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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DBJL-- this is going to be a rough day for you and your husband. I'll be thinking of you. At this point I think you are fairly certain this is something you need for closure. Your husband is making a clear statement about how much he loves you in doing this, in my opinion. I would hold on to that as you go through the day.

I also think you need to prepare yourself for finding out more. Not just things you don't want to hear, but details that will make the ONS more real in your mind. Last night I found out a detail I didn't previously know-- a totally minor detail that was not significant at all-- and yet it gave me nightmares all night. So be prepared and realistic about it. And if you pray... pray.

I really hope you get the closure you need from this. I hope you and your husband get a sense that you have truly closed an ugly chapter in your lives today. I think all of us in this forum would be happy to be able to say that someday!


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Mar: Thanks for the response. I am so scared that I will push too hard & end up losing him.

I know he loves me. He is doing everything right as far as I can tell.

Sometimes I wonder why I need to know. What good will it actually be for me to know?

And.. of course, it may not work.

Thanks... And yes.. I do pray, but find it extremely difficult to pray in times like this. So, I ask the HS to intercede...


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((DBJL))) we will be thinking about you.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok. Here's what happened. The MC did put him "under." He said that he is very hypnotizable. It is a 2 step process. Today he hypnotized, made hypnotic suggestions, and then post hypnotic suggestions. (I think this is the what he said.)

Previous to the episode, he asked him what they are looking for. My H said so much more than what I specifically asked. When it happened, why she was there, why he didn't break off his friendship with her afterwards and what significance did a certain item play in the situation. (that's another story in itself).

I had just asked when it happened and why she was there ... figured that was all I could ever get...

So, while he was under, he had to envision himself walking down a path and in the middle of the path is a trunk... a chest of some type. That trunk contains his memories and he was to look inside. He did and he saw her and some other things.

But, the MC brought him out then. He said that for the next 2 weeks, memories will return in various ways. They may just pop out, he may dream them, he might want to spend some time writing down what he remembers.

Then he goes back to the MC & they do this again.

Someone in another stream said once that it never occurred to her that her WH was scared of losing her through this ordeal. I've had the same thoughts. I keep thinking that I'm going to lose him, but he's actually scared that I am going to leave him over it all. He begged me to not leave him. He told me he can't live without me.

Maybe that's why his memory is repressed. Maybe the answers are as bad as I think and he thinks that if I DO find out, I will leave him.

It's just time to lay it all out on the table and be done with it... to know why he put her before me....

After their ONS, they continued "hanging out" together with another friend. I asked him if he wasn't uncomfortable... he said terribly... Well, then for gosh sakes, why did he continue it???????????

So, hopefully over the next 2 weeks, the memories will trickle out... Shit... 2 weeks of this misery????

Actually... feel a little better now.. knowing how hard he's trying and that I may finally get the answers.

Thanks for your support.

Hugs to all!

[This message edited by dbjl at 4:55 PM, April 13th (Monday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl, i had jury duty today, but was thinking about you.

the next couple of weeks are going to be really hard as you begin to learn more detail. but the fact that your h is doing this, and was so insistent with the c that it be done definitely says something about his love for you.

i will keep you in my thoughts.

hugs


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:50 PM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its))) how goes it with you?

(((wh))) thanks!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl, things are pretty okay in the its house right now. i'm in a much better place than i was last week. mr. its is still doing all the right things.

jury duty today...spent the entire day in voir dire, then they decided to dismiss all 42 of us and start over with a new jury pool tomorrow! so, i feel like i really wasted a day and all i got out of it was a measly $6 that didn't even pay for my lunch! not to mention parking! i feel worse for the attorneys, plaintiffs, and defendant, though, because they have to start all over.

ah, well. i've done my duty i guess...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its: Yes, Jury duty definitely civic duty... at our own expense!

I'm glad you are having a better week. I am determined to have a good week. I was so scared yesterday.

We talked a bit last night. One thing I found out was interesting is that he doesn't remember many things that surrounded his friendship with OW & her best friend! So, he's repressing anything to do with them?????

Pretty cool down here this morning. I am waiting for it to warm up a bit & will go work in the yard...

I hope you all have a good day.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl, let's both have a good week!

i hope things improve with his memories.

i am probably going to work in my yard today, too...but first i think i'm going to take a walk...


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone... been around lurking, but not feeling too positive lately.

Have been having thoughts and thinking through about leaving H. Not even really sure if I really want too, but engaging in the thought process.

Everyday I ask for him to communicate and to talk to me. I think he thinks I still am wanting to talk about IT. Remember I asked him a while back to write out the night it all happened and the events surrounding that (his IC even said that was a GOOD idea then I could read it whenever I felt I needed to) - HE STILL HAS NOT. He made some lame effort to, but it was just that LAME.

Anyway I digress, so Sunday night he says (after I prompted him to talk to me - he had IC on Friday, but we had his son at the house and I try to not talk about it when the kids are around) "you know, at some point we need to move on"

I didn't even know how to respond. I'm still in my numb stage, so I don't say much of anything.

We haven't 'been' together in some time. He tried a while back and I had one of my throw him off of me and cry moments... so we are seeming to grow further and further apart.

I'm just ready to throw in the towel and become a single mother... and struggle through my financial crap and not have to worry about what he will or WILL NOT say to me.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oh wh big (((( hug)))))

I don't know what to say. I am fortunate that my H is remorseful & realizes it will take time.

It hasn't been long since your H's ONS....

Please keep us informed. I'll keep you in my prayers.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:12 PM, April 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((wh2m))))))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you.

I've determined I have this expectation of need from H and I don't even know what it is or if I've defined it in my head... so my homework is going to be to write out a draft of what I think I need and keep updating it as need(s)/event(s) arise.

Anyone want to give me some jumping off points?

Hope all is well in your worlds. We finally have sun again... although very chilly!


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh: Not ignoring you... thinking....

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks db... no worries

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting in this thread, and only my second day on SI.

I am 13.5 months from D-Day which was 11 months after my husband had a ONS with one of my best friends. Some days are easier than others.


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ABL: Welcome to our little club. Have you only just found us?

You will find a lot of support here. I'm sorry for what brought you here, but be sure and post as often as you feel the need.

We've all been in similar situations and had similar heartaches.

(((hugs)))


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh: My first thoughts are the regular ones...

Things we all need to get over this:

*Transparency
*Honesty
*Patience with our outbursts
*Understanding when we are standing in the kitchen with the water running, things boiling over on the stove & not knowing how to handle it.
*Holding us when we need to be held.
*Distance when we need it.
*Knowing the difference.
*Seeing over & over again that he is remorseful
*Knowing that he has NC
*Knowing that he resents the OW

What have you thought of?

[This message edited by dbjl at 8:47 AM, April 16th (Thursday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
AnnabelleLee
♀ Member
Member # 23636
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl,

I did just find you, and I'm so glad I did. I'm so tired of talking to people who haven't been in my shoes.

How has everyone else coped with mind movies? Those are really difficult for me.

Was the OW a good friend for anyone else? I think the double betrayal is the hardest part...


"Time has told me, you're a rare, rare find... A troubled cure for a troubled mind."
- Nick Drake

Me - BS
Him - WS thelateghost


Posts: 124 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: Massachusetts
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((((ABL))))))) - that's a cyber hug. Actually lots of hugs!

Sorry you are here. My H didn't know the OW - so I don't have that double betrayal. I'm sorry, that would make it even harder.

DB - thank you... great list... Iím still processing mineÖ more in another post.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
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