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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its)))

Your post didn't give her another dday...her H did that to her when he had the A.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:09 PM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks, ohp. i do know that, but i still can't help but feeling a little bad.

on the other had, it got more truth out of him, and that is a good thing, even though she is in pain. he should have told her the whole truth before now. i sure hope she does get it all now.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having another dday has always been one of my biggest fears/nightmares.

I've always said that it would be the final straw for me. I don't believe I could be strong enough or patient enough to go through another and to try and R again.

I feel so badly for those BSs that have had several ddays.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Friday all,

((((its))))) just reading your thread... sorry, sorry, sorry. My H is in a line of law enforcement, and with his travels he and his co-workers have the perfect opportunity. He says he knows of no one in the 5 years he's been on this detail that A's have happened, but I don't buy it. In fact, I plan to bring it up in MC next time we attend.

OP - I totally agree, if (when) another dday arrives, I know I won't/can't get through it.... I keep asking H if there is more (EA's, potentially ONS, etc.) and he says no.... but something bugs me, I just haven't figured it out yet.

I wonder though if that is why I can't commit to the R completely. I keep waiting for 'something' bad to happen.

I'm going to enjoy my last spring day off (although I'll be at my shop). The sun is shining again, I should have had one of my girls' cover and go do something with my Bug.

My Bio-dad is in town today for a minute (lives an hour north east). I'm sure he is bringing my D another stuffed animal (although I begged him not to this time). H's mom is coming down as well (lives 30 minutes due north). MIL is bringing H's kids hopefully (nice save of a trip and gas)... we've been having problems with the 18 year old daughter.... I will be surprised if she shows.

Oh, I'm rambling.... I hope everyone has a lovely weekend full of sunshine, treats from the Easter Bunny and a great day with family and friends.

Easter Blessings


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if (when) another dday arrives, I know I won't/can't get through it.... I keep asking H if there is more (EA's, potentially ONS, etc.) and he says no.... but something bugs me, I just haven't figured it out yet.

I wonder though if that is why I can't commit to the R completely. I keep waiting for 'something' bad to happen.

I felt like this for a long time too. Actually if I have a bad day, which is so seldom, that is where my mind goes.

I don't think it made me fence sit in my commitment to R, but I do know that for me it is a boundary.

If there was more (and I truly don't believe there was it's just my insecure and hurt side talking) but *if* there was, I've learned this....

As much as I love my H, I would need to love myself more. After this long in R and to suffer another dday, I would not stick around. Even if it meant being alone for the rest of my days...I would rather not be with someone who would continually hurt me.

I think perhaps it's because I've learned so much about myself in this entire process as well. I'm stronger in so many ways.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:14 AM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i don't think i could handle another dday, either. the trickle truth i got last week was bad enough.

i have to go to work for just a bit today, then i have to go buy easter stuff. even though my its are 19 and 15, they still want to color eggs and they still get easter baskets. last year we even still hid eggs and did an easter egg hunt! not sure if they still wanna do that this year, but if they do, we will!

h is on a trip--left yesterday, returning tomorrow...

the its are out of school today, big it home from college, both still sleeping...i'm going to let them sleep! the house is very quiet right now!

i hope you all have a great good friday!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
foreverchangedwi
♀ Member
Member # 15368
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, April 10th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't know if my situation meets the ONS criteria,but when I read about how the WS is in a FOG or leaves or says ILYBINILWY, it doesn't fit.

So, what would you call "flings". That's what he called them. His last one, the one that woke him up, because of her blackmail tactics became a long term affair because he was too chicken shit to tell her NO!! But the minute she exposed it, that was that last time he ever spoke to her. He would tell me every time he saw her in the hood.

I guess I just can't understand how someone can "fake" sex and feelings for someone and be able to turn their back on them so quickly.

He has worked very had to make me secure and trust in him again, and shows me how much he values and loves me. I just don't understand his "type" of affair I guess. Nothing about his is common. Figures


BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}


Posts: 1557 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 6:02 AM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey all-

I've mostly been posting in the divorced/separated forum because...well, because.

We have been growing more detached and separate from one another, and the time came to broach the subject of splitting up. I am ready.

We told the kids on Sunday night. It went pretty well. She let me be the heavy and do all the talking. I felt I said most of the right things.

She opened her mouth once to tell them that she had done everything she could to please me but nothing would make me happy. I can right a book on that one. It would be called "Projection".

But, I ignored that and simply told the kids that we each had done a lot to try to please the other. They have eyes, and know what's what.

She took the kids on a vacation the next day. I was never seriously invited. so begins the separation.

She brought up her fling the day before, telling me it wasn't the reason we were taking leave of one another.

True, but interesting coming from her. After about three weeks after D-Day, I stopped discussing it with her. She was too vulnerable, and I decided it was a burden I would mostly carry on my own.

I told her she was right, it wasn't the reason, but it had been a powerful catalyst.

She didn't apologize, but told me she was with the wrong group of "friends" (to her credit, she dropped them), and was looking to cut loose. Okay.

Then she added, "and because you were fucking me at the time, I decided to fuck you back". Whoa. I repeat. Whoa.

At that moment, my decision was strongly reaffirmed. She would not get through the rage and bitterness that propelled her that weekend, and made sure I found out just what she had done. All the work and counseling I had done with her and on my own never mattered. She is stuck in a whirlpool of rage.

BTW. The movie of our marriage I remember was one of me chasing her frantically at the time trying to keep my family together. Going out with her friends every weekend, whom I never was crazy about. Throwing her a surprise party, and professing my unwavering love, buying her nice gifts, and telling her I loved her all the time. The fucking her over? Go figure.


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi foreverchanged and pugwash.

Foreverchanged...

So, what would you call "flings". That's what he called them

Talk about trying to downplay and minimize his A by saying it was a fling. IMHO, doesn't matter what you call it when the end result is being unfaithful.

I'm so sorry.

I guess I just can't understand how someone can "fake" sex and feelings for someone and be able to turn their back on them so quickly.

Because he was very good at compartmentalizing. It's amazing how quicky people can realize what can be lost and all for a ONS. As I asked my H a few times way back then 'Was it really worth it?'

((((foreverchanged))))


pugwash5...

Then she added, "and because you were fucking me at the time, I decided to fuck you back". Whoa. I repeat. Whoa.

So was she saying that because she was angry with you, it justified her to have a ONS?

When I read this part The movie of our marriage I remember was one of me chasing her frantically at the time trying to keep my family together. Going out with her friends every weekend, whom I never was crazy about. Throwing her a surprise party, and professing my unwavering love, buying her nice gifts, and telling her I loved her all the time.

All I could think is she doesn't have a clue what makes her happy. If she couldn't accept how good you were to her and went to have a ONS because she was angry, she has a ton of work to do on herself. I'm so sorry.

(((pugwash)))


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:38 AM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((((foreverchanged))))))
((((((pugwash))))))

good morning all!

or, morning at least...

ds (19), dd (15) and two of dd's friends were in a car accident last night...

everyone is okay....but really shaken....you can see my post in general if you want more detail...

i love my kids and their friends and am soooooo relieved they are all okay.


but this really is the last thing i need right now...

[This message edited by itspjw at 1:38 PM, April 11th (Saturday)]


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its and Pug... so sorry to you both. Thinking of you.

I had a straightforward conversation with my counselor in the weeks after DDay. I asked him if he was one of those 'save the marriage at whatever cost' types or not, because if he was I didn't want to be talking to him.

He assured me he wasn't and we talked a long time about all of the levels of trust that are broken in this kind of betrayal, one of which being the trust in my own instincts (since I was so blindsided by this).

Pug, I think that's exactly what you're doing and knowing when to say it's not worth it anymore is one of the most important realizations through all of this. Even though it hurts. All of it does.

On a lighter note, I was voted teacher of the year at my school yesterday. As I walked through the crowd to take my seat of honor, all I could think was 'maybe Wife of the Year would be more appropriate'


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats! 1Marley! Wow! WTG!

Its! So glad everyone is ok.

Sorry to every one for what you are all going through.

I've been having several pretty good days. Triggered yesterday and had to really work to stay out of the funk.

But... for the most part.

No one will be here for Easter. Kinda sad over it. Miss my sons a lot. (They are old, but still miss them...)
Weather is supposed to be bad, but maybe if it isn't, we will drive into the Hill Country to see the wildflowers...

My best to you all....


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
compaq23
♀ Member
Member # 20270
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hope I'm allowed to post in this thread.

I cheated by meeting someone online just for sex. I feel incredibly dirty and as if I was an actress in a movie. I don't even know what I was feeling. I did know what I was doing but I could not see the consequences with a clear mind. It's haunting me so much.

I have not told my boyfriend (over 1.5 years) yet, I am thinking of telling him next time I see him which is in 2 days.


Posts: 90 | Registered: Jul 2008
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((its and family)))

Hi Compaq

Of course you're allowed to post on this thread. I'm just so sorry you find yourself here. In some way, we are all trying to heal.

I hope you do tell your BF. I can only imagine it will be alot easier for you both to move forward once you've been honest with him.

If we can help in anyway, please let us know.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 10:28 PM, April 11th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compaq-- please tell him. It will be hard, but it is the right thing to do.

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
compaq23
♀ Member
Member # 20270
Default  Posted: 1:15 AM, April 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've decided not to tell him. I'm leaving the relationship. I was not happy...for so long...it's a toxic relationship. He would have left me anyway. He will know that I was unhappy and I was a quitter. At least he won't be hurt and think it was his fault for me also being a cheater....

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jul 2008
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:51 AM, April 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Compaq

I read your previous posts and I know this isn't the first time you did something like this.

You are only 21. Not that I am old enough to be your mother, but if I could give motherly advice, it would be to ask you to stop meeting strange, random men before something bad happens. Women get killed this way. God knows what you can catch and what could possibly happen to you.

Whether or not you want to tell your BF is up to you. I truly hope you do because if you think it's not hurting him, you are very mistaken. You talk about drama...well, you are keeping a few very hurtful secrets from him and I would bet your guilt is likely contributing to that. Whether or not you stay with him, he has a right to know. It would be much better hearing it from you than from someone else after you've broken up.

Lastly, please, please get some help with this. Meeting men on line and then having sex (protected or not) is so very dangerous. Get into some good quality counselling.

(((compaq))) You deserve so much more out of life than to be treating yourself so badly.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 6:53 AM, April 12th (Sunday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
compaq23
♀ Member
Member # 20270
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone I will not do this sort of thing again. Sorry I am not feeling well my post is very short.

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jul 2008
Pugwash5
♂ Member
Member # 10430
Default  Posted: 3:54 PM, April 12th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ohpuhlease and IMarley-

Thank you so much for weighing in. Had a week without kids or future-ex to decompress. Missed the kids alot.

IMarley, your thoughts about trust being broken on a fundamental level is right on target. The issue here is not that I haven't forgiven (I have partially), it is that her basic feelings that led her to her actions have not changed. As you said, Ohpuhlease, she hasn't figured out what she wants, and she won't anytime soon. Perhaps this is ajolt that she will need. But I will not be there as her spouse to see it.

Compaq-many of these people have fresh, lucid and totally on-target viewpoints.

I respectfully disagree with Ohpuhlease, however. If you are ready to leave the relationship, do it. But I do not feel you should tell him about your infidelity, as well (unless you feel you may contracted an STD).

It is an added layer of hurt and rage you will lay on him. Just leave.

I do strongly agree with Ohpuhlease about not meeting guys at bars and starting something with them. No god will come of that...

Take care of you.

Pug


It matters not how strait the gait, how charged with punishment the scrolls, I am the master of my fate, the captain of my soul...

The Present is the living sum-total of the Past.

Filed for divorce 8-4-10
Three incredible kids 18,14, 11
Her:


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Northeast
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Concerned  Posted: 8:23 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is the day. His appointment with MC is at noon and the hypnosis is supposed to happen.

Will it work? I feel guilty. Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I don't have to know the answer to these questions. Maybe it will cause him too much pain. Maybe it will cause him feel overwhelming guilt.

Am I wanting too much? He's doing everything right.
Am I being selfish? Am I wrong in doing this? Am I just asking for too much? What IF it's something I don't want to hear?????

I am terrified.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
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