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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told H that I am going to call OW & get her to answer the questions.

What was his reaction?


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His reaction... is what it has been all along. "If you think it will help, then ok."

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

friends need some advice on setting boundaries...
my WH has a work collegue who is no longer in the same office but was there before and was an inspiration (i think) for my WH's visit to the sex parlour..as far as i can gather WH said that this collegue too uses the parlours and of course his wife doesnt know any of this and life is business as usual for him....
something has been floating in my head for long....this friend is on his Facebook page...i feel although professionally they may need to be in touch but on a personal website WH should remove him from his friends list and at least agree with me that he is a bad influence. As obviously all this is my thought should i tell WH to remove the colleaugue from his list? will this be an invasion on my part? or a forcible complaince which he will resent?
Also my second question is there are quite a few soft porn stuff which we both together viewed sometimes (now i am even scared to think about them) ...i sometimes feel did i make him more tempted towards these things by giving him a signal that it was ok by me?
actually it didint bother me when we saw it together...and i didnt know he does see it alone too when i am traveling. so know what do you suggest? should i tell him to get rid of all of those?
Maybe those affected him differently that they do to normal guys who see porn within limits....
he has said he will feel bad thorwing them out.
Also he had asked me why i am saying its not good fro him to watch them when sometime back i did it my self with him?


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 4:25 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you need to set the boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable about something, he needs understanding of that.

He is the one who has done wrong.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In response to the comments about SI making things worse sometimes. When I get off here I often argue with my SO. He asks "what just happened" because everything was fine before.

Recently in general I asked a question about something & instead of just focusing on answering that the other posts were questioning his past before me & if I should take that as a warning & that my question was the least of my worries & a woman from an affair before he met me was not as much at fault because she was young.

I felt like I either had to keep defending him & my decision to stay or to believe them that he is a bad person that can't be trusted & I should leave.

In that thread I only wanted the opinion I asked for.

I am appreciative that they would take the time to comment & that they were probably only concerned for my well being but it made me feel worse & question whether or not to continue to R.

The other thing this site does more generally is make me very negative & untrusting....like it is inevitable that he will do it again.

I have also received a lot of support & good advice here so I don't want to quit.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think we all are going to go through lots of negative stuff while we heal, with or without si.

i think it is up to us to make sure we are not letting si hold us back. i know that for me, si is my sanity.

i do at times avoid certain threads, or even entire forums (haven't been in jfo or wayward side in a while) so that i am getting what i need and not reading posts that might have a negative impact.

of course, i say all this after i just posted in general about having doubts!

anyway, we all have to do what works for us.

as for an update on me: we did not end up having the conversation the other night about him thinking about it before he did it. i guess we are going to have to eventually.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:30 PM, March 28th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its! Have been wondering about you!

You are absolutely right! I've actually spent the last couple days reading the inspirational things & more positive things.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:42 AM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

db, have you seen moo in a pink dres yet?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:05 AM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. where?

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rainbowlittle

You named two things that were bothering you. His coworker on his facebook page and porn. Now you need to figure are these things that you really, truly bother you or can you continue to R with these two things in the picture.

This isn't about whether he should have this friend or view porn or not. It's about whether or not you can live with it.

dbjl said it perfectly...I think you need to set the boundaries. If you feel uncomfortable about something, he needs understanding of that.

It doesn't really matter that you didn't have concerns about it before. You do *now*. It's like if you used to fit into a size 0 dress and now have to wear a size 4. You can try to squeeze into the size 0 but, It. just. doesn't. fit.


Also he had asked me why i am saying its not good fro him to watch them when sometime back i did it my self with him?

Maybe because before you didn't realize how harmful it could be to your M and now you do.

You've been around SI a while so I know seen all the posts just like I have when a BS says 'before the A, porn wasn't a problem. Now it is out of the question.'

Good luck but please set your boundaries and stand your ground on this.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

good morning all.

checking in on everyone...

our church is showing fireproof today, and i went but ended up leaving. it is a good movie, i have seen it, and want to see it again, but since h was on a trip i was there by myself, and it just seemed weird.

db, you can find moo "pretty in pink" at

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=286554

you know what's funny though? i don't remember posting that last night...i had already taken my ambien!

but i did sleep very very well!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 6:01 AM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease and dbjl, thank you for your support....sometimes i feel i am not thinking rationally or overreacting maybe....seems silly in retrospect....but this mess has truly changed all of us....
i thought deeply about what disturbs me more....actually its not the coworker's presence in his page or the viewing of porn....

Its the NEED to do it which bothers me....in the sense..its indicates that he in some deep recess of his mind LIKES the association with his coworker whose character is flawed. and he ENJOYS porn MORE THAN normal.

I think its more about the EFFECTS it has on him rather than the presence of these things right?

As far as living with these or not is concerned i actually have reached the conclusion that i NEED CHANGED PERCEPTION on HIS END meaning how he views porn or how he views friends who are not really family/marriage oriented .....that is what i want. So how do i get these changes in him?
Is IC for him the answer?
Do i discuss these with him?


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its! I don't take ambien... but my son tells me his carpet stands up & talks to him !

I'm doing fairly well today after a weekend. We had a huge discussion Sunday. He is so sad by it all. He wants us to turn a page & he IS doing everything right now.

We go back to MC on Monday & he is adamant that he will be hypnotized & will find out. The MC says it may possibly not work. H will try anyway.

H says that he can't think, he can't work, he's having so many concentration problems and it's really getting to him.

I ordered the book called How Can I Forgive You ... The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom not to. And The Five Love Languages. I'm praying these books will help me to forgive & quit obsessing.

It probably has gone from justified anger to obsessing & it needs to quit.

Rainbowlittle: my situation is so totally different from yours. I don't know what to say because I know so little about it.

I'm sorry to be so little help to you.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:49 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((rainbow))))

are you and h in mc? are you in ic? it thinki mc for you both is must, and ic would be good for both of you too.

my situation is very different than yours, too, but know that i am here for you and thinking about you.

((((db))))

my carpet has never talked to me...but i have seen a purple fish floating in the air in front of me! that was on sonata, though, not on ambien. i know better than to take it before i am actually in bed, but sometimes i think i'll take it just a few minutes before so that by the time i get in bed i won't think, i will just sleep. at least i didn't post anything crazy!

i'm glad to hear you are doing well today after the weekend, and it sounds like your h really wants to give you what you need. that's a good sign.

hugs to all!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Frustrated  Posted: 10:27 AM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good morning everyone,

Sorry I haven't been very present or supportive.

IWILL -

In response to the comments about SI making things worse sometimes. When I get off here I often argue with my SO. He asks "what just happened" because everything was fine before.
This is what was happening with me - I actually noticed it. My H would never say anything because he says he is so thankful we're still together.

((((rainbowlittle)))) we are still defining boundaries. I'm very clear now in expectations. I no longer (after painful MC sessions) assume that my H gets 'anything' - I just spell it out and sometimes dummy it down for him (not condescending, but in a way I know there is no wiggle room for the "Oh, I guess I didn't understand..." scenario).

Hello OPulease. I'm always thankful for your wise postings.

(((DBJL))) I hope things are better for you. How is that grandbaby??

its, i've been thinking about you (my SI doppleganger). i commented your

want to be done
post. i'm so 'there'.(((((its))))) i hope you are having a better day.

I've really numbed to 'it' lately. Have been focusing on my business, our home building (paint, paint and more paint), and trying not to obsess about it every minute.

It has worked for the minute by minute pain, but when I'm with him, I look at him and wonder if I can do this. Sometimes I feel like I'm building this house for someone else to live in.


[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 10:28 AM, March 31st (Tuesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi all...

bad, bad, night last night.

i totally lost it.

i posted in general.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, March 31st (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry itspjw


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i had a horrible fight too..and worse i sreamed and raved at my 4 yr old too....she was cowering...i felt so so bad....
please please dont scold me just need some understanding....
too upset to write more...but will a bit later...


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whathappened... so good to hear from you.

Grandbaby is fine. Our 4 year old has been here all week. That's nice. She's fun.

I guess I need to stress to everyone that SI has been more than beneficial to me. It's been wonderful. The people are so compassionate, the articles are really good. There's a wealth of help here. Someone is always ready to comfort, support & be here for us.

I think that I have two problems when I spend time here. 1.) I become so saddened by the troubles of these people. There are only a handful of you I have posted back & forth with, PM'd etc. But those posts I am reading break my heart and sometimes I even cry for some of these people.

Lastly, I seem to be obsessing over my own problems. It isn't just SI that I feel this way about... my own journal does the same thing... because I'm never happy with just adding to it... I have to read back through it.... so it keeps me down & obsessing over my sadness and grief.

I am trying to break away ... not from SI and not from my journal, but breaking those behaviors that I have within the journaling and the SI'ing that causes me the obsessing.

Make sense?

[This message edited by dbjl at 9:09 AM, April 1st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, April 1st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DBJL - complete sense! I know exactly what you mean.

I think I was also feeling overwhelmed by the stories and how devasting they are. It has to have an effect on you at some point. I try not to go into JFO for that very reason.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
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