And, I know it's all confusing. And actually, these are old relationships that I recently found out about.
After many tears today & much prayer & thought, I realized that he will do what I want him to do ... somewhat reluctantly, but he went through a huge ordeal last night to get the EA woman's email address. I don't know for sure it was an EA. Yes, I think that they were attracted to each other, but nothing I read was out of line.
Because of that and because I know there was no PA with her, I told him to hold off on it. I took the notepad he wrote her address on.
We will... the two of us send her a Christmas card in December. He can write her a note in which he rights his wrongs... and the card will be from both of us.
In the meantime, we are going to work on making our marriage good again. We will work on trying to get through this.
It's a decision. I've made it.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of crying. I'm so weary and I know he has to be, too.
He has to be tired of never knowing what to expect when he gets home...
Love is a decision.
So is forgiveness and moving on.
I have to make me heal. He may have done the injury, but I'm the one who has to do the healing.
dbjl-- I hear you and understand exactly what you mean about wanting to choose love, forgiveness, and moving on. It is a choice, a hard one. But I do think that with a husband who realizes what he has done to hurt you is wrong and resolves never to do it again, it is possible.
Life for me is going okay. Our counselor "graduated" us to twice monthly sessions as opposed to weekly sessions. I don't spend as much time consumed with images and sadness. I'm even starting to look back at our time overseas and remember all the good times and not this one awful thing.
It's been six months since that horrible night, and while we tested negative right after I found out about the ONS, we are going in for HIV testing tomorrow to be 100% sure we are in the clear. We are talking seriously about starting a family, which is scary and wonderful.
I appreciate everyone's thoughts and encouragement.
I said a prayer for you as I read your post. I pray that all is well...
I'm happy to hear that you are moving on, too.
Yes, it is a tough decision, but I love him. I know he loves me. And I don't want to live like this again.
Moving on & trying to be trusting sets us up to be hurt again. It leaves us vulnerable. I know if I can stay busy, I can keep my thoughts about it at bay.
Maybe this will work. I pray.
of course, that it easier said than done.
it is so hard. i have to work at it daily.
but it is getting easier.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
1marley - I hope you have good test results.
Sorry to be the downer on the thread this am with all of the positive moving forward, but I'm having a setback.
Ok, first know that I am completely PMSing, so I may be over the top, but with H on a TRIP is it wrong for me to be upset when not hearing from him in over an hour ... he said he was at dinner – I am just so WEARY of spelling everything out to him. Seriously. The ONS was the ultimate act of selfishness, this crap just brings it all back and tells me he will always be selfish, which then makes me feel unsafe and I’m not willing to let my heart be on the chopping block again.
[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 11:15 AM, March 4th (Wednesday)]
Please hang in there.
Here's a hug:
i know where you're coming from.
due to the change in the month and his schedule, my h had a three day trip, was home for two, then left for a four day. it's hard for me when he's gone, and even harder when it works out like this where he is home a very short time before a four day trip.
we had had a great weekend together, though, and on monday i sent him a loving/supportive text--which is not something i am in the habit of doing yet. i felt like i put myself out there emotionally by doing it. i knew he was in the air when i sent it and wouldn't answer til he got on the ground, and that was okay.
well, he landed, rode the van to the hotel, laid down and went to sleep without responding. i know it's petty and stupid, but it hurt me that he couldn't at least send me a quick response before going to sleep.
when i called him on it, he immediately apologized, and i think he understands why it hurt me. however, it is a setback for me in that i feel like i put myself out there and got stepped on, so it will be a while before i can do that again.
i'm trying really hard to keep my mood up and not give in to the depressive thoughts while he is gone, but it is really hard. the longer he's gone the harder it gets.
hang in there...i'm trying to!
[This message edited by itspjw at 1:19 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]
My daughter called upset
I wasn't off the clock yet
I was driving.
He swears he didn't drink (but it sounded like he had).
he texted me later and said, why would he make things worse?
[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 1:44 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]
No matter how long it takes.
[This message edited by dbjl at 3:01 PM, March 4th (Wednesday)]
you are so right.
Last night, having a very late dinner, I told him that even though I've made this decision, it didn't mean that a switch had turned off the pain. I will still have to work hard every single moment... day to make this happen.
In my mind, there's these different lists of things...... List 1: He wouldn't have bought me the nice jewelry, wouldn't have paid down on such a nice house, wouldn't have included my children in his will, if he didn't love me and want me.
List 2: I've gotten heavy. Somedays I'm a basket case and he never knows how he will find me. If he didn't love me, he would move on.
List 3: He is handsome, slender, smart and successful, funny, witty, admired by so many, extremely talented... I have dropped the ball on all that. He could have anyone. He is still here with me.
But then there's this huge curtain or wall of what he did and didn't do ... looming over me.. wanting to invade my thoughts, my heart....
He says... leave that curtain closed. Leave it out there...keep pushing it back because it will never, ever happen again.
He still says that he will do exactly what I want him to do.. that he will do anything to help me with it. That he will reassure me, love me, do what it takes.
We are going on a weekend trip and leaving Friday. He's actually taking the whole day so that we can leisurely pack & make the drive in a leisurely fashion. It will be about a 4 hour drive...
He says that he is different. He has made the decision to be different... that he realizes now what he never realized before and that is the connection between he & I and Christ.
I pray that it's true.
When we had our sacramental marriage in the Catholic Church, he sang a song he had written to me that meant so much...
Lying became second nature to him. He could be lying to me now & I wouldn't know it. He swears that he is telling the truth... that there is no one but me.
Sorry this is so long!
[This message edited by dbjl at 9:22 AM, March 5th (Thursday)]
that's great that you two are taking a trip. i hope it's a good one and helps you reconnect.
my h and i haven't taken any trips per se, but i have gone to meet him at his layover---actually flew on his plane, even...and we have decided to do that more often.
next week the kids are on spring break and we are going to try and all go meet him somewhere.
my h could be lying, too, for all i know, but i don't think he is.
it is a struggle daily, though, to keep working on that decision to forgive and love again. and to trust again and to put this behind us.
i had a meltdown last night for no apparent reason. and today i am still down, but i am sitting out back in the sun, it is nice and warm here today, with a nice breeze. i am going to take a walk in a little bit. (i've put back on all the weight i lost, and it's time to do something about that. i'll also help my depression, so i'll be killing two birds with one stone.) i'm going to do something fun, like play mario kart. maybe i'll find something funny to watch on tv or on the internet. in just a minute i'm going to head down to f&g and find the stupid picture friday thread. that's always good for a laugh.
i should do some cleaning and some laundry, but i am not going to beat myself up if i don't.
guess i'm starting to ramble, so i'll stop now.
have fun on your trip, db.
We have something else in common.
And... it's warm & pretty here, too.... breezy
Will write more later. Have lots to do to prepare for the trip
i cleaned it out...
Do you have to tell yourself every day - today I will forgive. Today I will love?
I must be in a serious anger stage, because I am emotionally exhausted and want to be down with the up and down. I don't want to spell it out that I need a receipt for peace of mind. I don't want to spell it out that I want him to check in regardless of who he is with and what he is doing. I want him to do it because he knows it will settle my stomach and that he loves me and puts me FIRST.
I am in a funk too with my looks and weight... I am going to quit talking about making time for me, and just do it. Regardless of time.
maybe some endorphins will lighten up my anger.
I must be in a serious anger stage, because I am emotionally exhausted and want to be done with the ups and downs. I don't want to spell it out that I need a receipt for peace of mind. I don't want to spell it out that I want him to check in regardless of who he is with and what he is doing. I want him to do it because he knows it will settle my stomach and that he loves me and puts me FIRST.
[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 2:32 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]
I recently heard a talk on healing. It was in a church. The priest who gave the talk gave some insightful ideas on how to heal & they seem silly, but they have helped me... and.. I realize that just in the name alone of Jesus, is unbelievable power.
So, that's been a real help to me. I'll share for anyone interested.
Hang in there, sweetie. The good days come and good days go and ... maybe.. hopefully.. they will soon change from days to hours, to minutes.
sometimes every hour.
we all have those times where we are just sick and tired of being sick and tired.
hang in there, hon. it will get better.
[This message edited by itspjw at 3:25 PM, March 5th (Thursday)]