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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
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Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

happy friday!

op, thanks for listing the books. i will look at those.

db, i feel that way sometimes--i don't want to forgive or forget, because i feel like then he is getting away with it. the feeling passes.

i have decided that today is going to be a good day. i hope you all have a good day, too!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
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Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease: I'm so dense sometimes that I didn't understand what Family of Origin issues are. But, after this last post from you, I now understand! Thanks so much!

We do both have FOO and he's never dealt with his. I have been seeing an IC for several years now and am really starting to come to terms with it.

Something that is really strange, is that my old issues have "gone" (for lack of a better word) during these issues we are dealing with now.

Maybe because the focus is on something else.

DH... well... that's part of the whole problem. He has a problem with confrontations. The theory of our MC is that he would not end his relationship with the OW because he couldn't deal with the confrontation.

He does the same when the ex-wife calls. He will not stand up to her because of the confrontation...

Don't think he'll ever deal with this because he doesn't want to do the IC thing.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they ever remember all the information you want to know?

I see from all the other forums that it's common for the WS to not remember.

I have 3 questions about the ONS. I don't want to know all the minute details. I don't want to know how long it lasted, what they did, etc.

I just want to know why she was there that day, when it was and why he hid a particular item....

He can't remember. How do you get past that? The MC says that he has repressed the memory because of the trauma. He was so upset with what he did that he can't remember these things.

He can't even remember that I asked him several times about this item that he hid.

The MC is also a hypnotherapist & says that he could help him remember these things, but he won't do it.

Is there something I can do? DH claims he wants to remember....claims he tries to remember.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i have decided that today is going to be a good day. i hope you all have a good day, too!

Good for you. I'm taking off this afternoon to see my hubby for the weekend. He works away from home alot, so these special trips are very important to the both of us.

dbjl....I think with FOO issues, depending on how your personality is built to react in certain situation says alot too.

As you said, now that you are working on this crisis, it's taken the focus off your old issues. You are likely one of those people who are calm in a time of crisis.

I'm the opposite. I'm good except for at times of crisis. I would be the one standing there screaming for help.

People like me need people like you.

I know from my childhood, the home was so volatile and seldom a moment peace. My Dad was an abusive alcholic and my Mom was very passive. With the constant chaos I always feel very threatened and afraid when I *perceive* anything to be a threat to my security. I had to work long on hard on that.

Now combine that with my H's FOO. He grew up in a chaotic home as well where his Dad was very manipulative and his mother was even worse. His Dad was not a great provider for the family so my H made that his mission in life because he truly believed his success in life came from that. Every day he heard how his parents were going to divorce. That's how he figured you ended a conversation or an arguement.

So he would say that me. He never really meant it but it's how he learned to stop the communication. Of course it worked because I would freak because it was a direct threat to my security, etc...

Talk about having two polar opposites.

Our MC really helped us to see the horrible, vicious cycle we had become trapped in. I still remember the day our MC pointed it out to us. H and I went for dinner afterwards and just sat there completely stunned.

The good thing is that at least now we can laugh about it. I have a hard time even recognizing any of our communication back then. It was worse than 2 year olds.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
ohpuhlease
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Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do they ever remember all the information you want to know?

I don't know hun. I do know that after enough time had past, I even forgot those few questions that had lingered for me.

I believe I got most of the information but I also believe there are likely a few things he didn't want to share with me because either he was 1) protecting himself and/or embarrassed, or 2) didn't want to or couldn't remember.

I had difficulty with the not remembering since it was only the one time. I can accept if it was a longer A that remember all the details would be harder as it's over a longer time frame.

Now, I can't think of anything else that I would really need to ask or have the need to know. In other words I can live with what I don't know.

But please remember, only you know how important it is for him to tell you these things. That's your call and not his. Ultimately he has to put your needs above his own for this.

Hope that helps.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 11:57 AM, February 27th (Friday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
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Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP:You seem to be so together. Thank you so much for such insightful remarks.

My dad was domineering and knocked down my self esteem. I see now as an adult that he was insecure himself. Takes a lot to get over it though. Even when I succeeded, I hadn't. You know what I mean?

My DH was raised by an alcoholic father & a mother who was always covering for the father. DH was a showpiece for them. Smart, talented, show them what you can do & otherwise sit down & shut up.

He learned at an early age to minimize things and to avoid confrontation with his father being quite volatile.

He also went through avoidance by marrying someone from another country & moving to that country. (DH was from another country and 1st wife is American) MC suggests (I've thought this too) that he married someone from USA to avoid ... get away from situation there instead of dealing with it.

Since he kept me secret from so many people... including making his son promise not to tell the ex-wife that he was seeing someone ... I am adamant about certain things.

When his ex-wife would call, he would tell me, but she always calls during the day on his cell phone while he is at work. He says that he has allowed it because he thinks her calls upset me.

So, I want her to call while he is at home... so that SHE knows that I am aware of her calls. It's no big deal to her. It IS to HIM!

Same with getting rid of the relationship with OW & the other friend... never telling them about me... never sending them an wedding announcement... finally... seeing the other friend (the one he & OW hung out with) 3 weeks after we got married & that he didn't even tell her. Might make him uncomfortable...

So, his job is to stand up for us... to put me first. He doesn't know how....it causes him turmoil.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
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Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, his job is to stand up for us... to put me first.

Absolutely. If others can't be a friend of the M, then they are just not worth having. Keeping you a secret is avoiding conflict for him but only on the surface. His avoidance is a huge bandaid.

I hope he can learn through this that there is really no greater thing than to build that intimate teamwork and partnership in an M. When you can achieve that, it is truly such a blessing.

My H had a friend who used to send him xrated emails and it used to bother me. Finally my H told him to stop it and that he wasn't intersted in that. I cannot tell you how much that one small gesture did for our M. He made our M a priority. He put my needs before his own and he stood up for our team.

If you haven't seen the movie Fireproof, it would be a good one to watch. A part in the movie talks about parasites that feed off the M and break it down such as internet porn, gambling or alcohol. But I believe parasites come in a variety of ways. Sounds like your H's fear of confrontation may be one of those parasites too.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 12:18 PM, February 27th (Friday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
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Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

op, you do always give such good advice.

db, you are right on that his job is to put you first.

my h had a hard time remembering the details i wanted, but he did finally get there. his ons happened 9 years ago, and he has spent those years trying to bury it. we still have some more talking about it to do and i have a couple of new questions for him. probably do that tomorrow

h and i also have foo issues that we have not worked on. something i have been thinking about alot lately is doing some ic for them. i know i need to, but i think i'm scared. i don't want to open that box because i know what's in it and it's ugly. h's foo issues are not as bad, but he's got some.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
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Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WOW - this thread is awesome today.

DBJL

Do they ever remember all the information you want to know?

I obsess on the tiniest details.... He says he can't remember.

How do you get past that? The MC says that he has repressed the memory because of the trauma. He was so upset with what he did that he can't remember these things.

Do you believe that? Our MC hasn't said that, but I wonder if there is some truth to that.

I can clearly see that I need to ask him if he and his IC are getting to the bottom of his FOO issues!!!

Homework.

? to all: Do you feel yourself holding back saying ILY? He has noticed - I only say it when I'm truly feeling it.

The tiniest thing for him means a ton. I.E. when we fought the other night (the laundry lunatic at my finest)... when baby woke up in wee hours, I found them asleep on the couch together. I kissed them both and he has gone on and on about that kiss.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
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Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i do hold back on not only saying ily, but in showing it by doing things for him. i have always been one who would grab him a candy bar just because, or bring him a glass of lemonade when he's mowing the lawn. just little things. i don't do them so much anymore. but now he is doing them for me! i am slowly getting back to that, but i am a long way from where i was. and he's kind of like your h, wh2m, one tiny thing means the world to him.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its

i meant to say too, that often i feel like if i'm all happy and positive... then its like he got away with it.

that's such a hard one. i guess i'm still going to choose to be positive and happy this weekend and see what happens.. if he runs down the 'she is over it' road, then i'll revert back to ll immediately! haaa


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:01 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yup, i know what you mean. i think i've only had one really happy day since dday, and i have no idea why i was so happy that day. i have okay days now, but i think i am afraid to let go and be happy again.

tuesday after mc i was feeling really good...until my drama queen sil called about my father (that's a whole 'nother story that i don't want to get into). she kind of ruined it for me, but that's not going to happen today!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 1:26 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to take a break. He comes home from lunch. I want to answer this & then have to do some housework & will come back later.

op: He & I were going to his home back in November. We were at the airport & the ex called him. He told her that he couldn't talk to her because "We are leaving. We are at the airport."

During a weekday. I found out later that she thought "we" meant his co-workers & that he was going on a business trip.

He was proud of himself and I patted him on the back for standing up to her. But it got me because he didn't say "Wife & I are going on a trip & are at the airport." It wouldn't have bothered her in the least. She KNOWS he's married! But it bothers HIM!

Later, it came out in MC that I was upset about that.

You are likely one of those people who are calm in a time of crisis.

I'm the opposite. I'm good except for at times of crisis. I would be the one standing there screaming for help.

Naw.. not always..

whathappenedtome:

Yes, I believe it. My DH ... this is so ironic... is SO moral & ethical otherwise. Just has a weak resistance to women who says she wants to rip off his clothes, I guess.

EVERYONE who has EVER KNOWN him admires his integrity and ethical standards!

The MC (&I see it too) sees that he is truly, truly sorry. He has never been offensive. He's never had a "macho" way of dealing with it. I know men who would say, "look.. what's done is done.. get over it."

Never him. He has cried. He has told me over & over that he will do what it takes to bring healing to us. He is patient with me. He is loving. He is understanding. I screamed & cussed him on more than one occasion & he just takes it and says that he is so sorry.

Who mentioned the movie "Fireproof?" I bought it last week & we still haven't watched it. Guess that's a goal for this weekend?


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
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Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MC (&I see it too) sees that he is truly, truly sorry. He has never been offensive. He's never had a "macho" way of dealing with it. I know men who would say, "look.. what's done is done.. get over it."

Never him. He has cried. He has told me over & over that he will do what it takes to bring healing to us. He is patient with me. He is loving. He is understanding. I screamed & cussed him on more than one occasion & he just takes it and says that he is so sorry.

db, i could have written this! that's exactly the way it is with us!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One last thing before going. I am beside myself right now over this:

his ons happened 9 years ago, and he has spent those years trying to bury it. we still have some more talking about it to do and i have a couple of new questions for him. probably do that tomorrow

its: 9 YEARS???

I quit smoking 2 1/2 years ago. I'm still dealing with wanting a cigarette. But that's addictive.

My darling cousins who are all 10 years older than me told me the hot flashes never go away....

Surely this gets better!

I don't want to still be hurting & obsessing over this in 2 years! 5 years! 10 years!!!!!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no, no. his ons happened nine years ago, i just found out in september! i've only known for a little over 5 months

yikes, that would be a long time to still be hurting!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Who mentioned the movie "Fireproof?" I bought it last week & we still haven't watched it. Guess that's a goal for this weekend?

That was me. H and I watched it on his last days off. Make sure you have tissue cuz you'll need it.

Not because it is overly triggery, but I couldn't help emphasizing with both characters.

I won't say anymore about it until you've all had the chance to watch it.

Then, this awesome group of us in the ONS thread can disect it to pieces.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 1:37 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

its: But, his inability to face confrontations is keeping us locked in.

I learned later that he was emailing a woman... all this while we were first seeing each other. I feel 99% that he quit, but they were friends and were attracted to each other.

I understand that is ok...

But, she moved to another state and confided in each other. He told her a bit about me in an unflattering way. He later emailed her... after we decided to get married & told her his life was better... "sunshine on the horizon...." but never mentioned me.

He even told her he was planning a trip to Idaho ... (after we were engaged) and never mentioned that WE were going to Idaho... not just HIM!
He says he called her later & told her he was getting married, but never told her my name, etc.

So, I want him to send her an announcement of sorts to her. So that I will have won this. He did for the OW & the other friend.

Am I obsessing????

Am I asking too much?


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:38 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h and i watched fireproof recently. he is the one the rented it. we have the book, too, but haven't done anything with it.

i think i need to go get a few things done before h gets home so i can spend some time with him before i go to work for a little bit.

i'll check back later.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 1:40 PM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OHHHHHH! Ok! Mine had his ONS about 5 years ago... I found out for sure in August. Had been suspecting it for about 3 years.

We've been together just over 5 years and we've been married almost 4 years.

Now... for sure... gotta get the housework done.

(((((HUGS)))) to all!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
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