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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wh2m, sounds like progress.

i'm trying really hard today to be positive. i am feeling better than yesterday.

i think in a bit i'm going to go out to the bookstore and look for a book or two. i haven't read any of the books talked about so much on this site. maybe it's time.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Amandilla
♀ Member
Member # 20347
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband had 6 ONS. He would troll Myspace and Yahoo profiles looking for sluts, start chatting with them for a few weeks, then there would be a couple of phone calls to make them feel at ease and then on he would meet them for oral sex or intercouse ON THE FIRST MEETING!. Most of these women were married. One had a 2 year old daughter sleeping in the other room. She has this stanger (my husband) whom she;s only chatted with on myspace and text messaging come to her home to perfomr oral on her with her baby there and he could have been a physcho killer or pedophile rapist! I do not understand these people. One woman just pulled down her pants in a commuter parking lot and had him do oral on her there. Disgusting! One he brought to our house and fucked in our bed One he had a few weeks of chatting with and met out a few times...he really liked her a lot. Probably wouldve been a full blown affair If I hadnt found out. He did manange to fuck her tho the day after I found out....he somehow mangaged to squeeze that in. I have to not think about what my husband did. It makes me want to puke and it makes my want to end it. I have to block it out of my mind. Its just too disgusting.


Me: BW:47
HIM:WS:39 in treatment for SA
Married 16 years
several ONS
internet flirting
1 year long distance E/PA
1 beautiful son
DD1 7/14/08 False R
DD2 8/9/08 OW exposed False R which ended A. Thanks Jen!
Our new love story in progress

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: East Coast
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((amandilla))))

ugh


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 3:12 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

double UGH! (((((amandilla))))

its - I'm at that book stage too. Let me know what you find in the way of books, I'm right there with you, wanted to get some for awhile, but we don't have a 'real' bookstore in town... and the one we do is crummy and knows my family, so I couldn't go there even if it was fabulous.

I've decided a couple of things for me... me hashing the hell out of it, doesn't change IT. That I would rather use that persistent energy to focus on the trouble our marriage was in when IT happened instead. For now.

Of course, I could trigger at any moment and become the laundry lunatic (that is what i've coined myself at 9 PM when i'm ready to hit it and there is laundry not put away!).


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Flame  Posted: 3:44 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw:

I did better than I thought I would. Her BH works for a big travel center along the interstate highway. We always stop at one in the same chain. I couldn't stand to go in this time...

I tried to concentrate on seeing the grandbaby. The trip down always causes some triggers for various reasons.... Focusing on the baby really helped.

I want to run into her, though! I want us to see her. Because I want her to see him with me. She had no right to even be with him alone! For gosh sake, she was married! And she was crying on his shoulder about how her hubbie treated her and how my man was so good and sweet and caring... just makes me sick.
If you have a problem in your marriage, then by God don't turn to another man!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She knew his ego was damaged and she knew all along what she was doing.

Not that he's innocent. But what a Slut!

So, I just want to see her. I want us to be together & RUN INTO HER!!!

[This message edited by dbjl at 3:47 PM, February 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dbjl, i get that, i do.

haven't made it to the bookstore yet. but, i am pathetic. i rescheduled my 5:00 client for monday so i don't have to deal....


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 5:06 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DBJL,

I can relate to that. I don't know your whole story, but its shameful that another married person would venture down that road.

In my situation, the OW didn't know my WH was married... I think she was a decent person, so I can only be angry at my dumb ass.

Happy almost Friday!


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 6:02 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Amandilla))) Are either of you in IC or MC?

itsjpw...I am finally out of my self-help/relationship book phase. Good grief I spent a ton of money and don't even remember half the books I read.

Having said that,I know every book I read likely helped me to heal as well.

dbjl...

And she was crying on his shoulder about how her hubbie treated her and how my man was so good and sweet and caring...

I guess it's all part of the illusion they create. I've read so many times on SI when the FWS rewrites history of their M, by saying they are badly treated so they can further falsely justify an A. Yet so twisted because they see our H's as the KISA (knight in shinning armor) who 'cares', but yet is being unfaithful. I understand it, but I don't.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:17 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gosh. Several of you responded! Thank you.

Ohpuhlease: She's a drama queen. Her poor husband had been laid off & was going through the training program in another city with a new company. He was working his butt off while she played. She claimed he was a cold fish. Still... if you find yourself attracted to another man, you need to run the other way.

My DH was warned about it at the time by another "friend" as well as by me (whom he was dating at the time.)

Now.. something else is brewing. The another "friend" I just mentioned was another person he kept me a secret from and I've told him what I want him to do to compensate for that. After hesitating, he said ok... but nothing yet. It's because he has to contact her and he's embarrassed about it.

We see the MC Monday. I will be bringing this up. I'm very put out with him that he stalls at everything. He says he will do ANYTHING... but only after I get pissed off about it.

[This message edited by dbjl at 6:21 PM, February 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whathappened:

My DH was divorced. The OW was married. They were "friends" from church of all things. She & another woman & my DH "hung" out. He and I were dating. We had met, he had walked away from me because he wasn't ready for a relationship... says now that he was so scared because we fell for each other so fast and so hard.... but he came back to me on his own & wanted to start the relationship back up & move on with it.

But, he didn't end it with them. Not with her until she moved away. He kept me secret from them.


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you all... Thanks for the support.

Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DBJL - I DO remember your story!!!

SHAME SHAME SHAME on her!

hugs!!!


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, February 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease, what books did you read?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:31 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'll try and name the top books.

After The Affair, The Four Seasons of Marriage, The Five Love Languages, The Journey From Abandonment to Healing, The Art of Happiness, CoDependent No More, The Road Less Traveled, Broken Open and almost anything by Miguel Ruiz, Wayne Dyer, Dalai Lama and Louise Hay.

Not all of these books had to do with our M. Some I read to deal with FOO issues, which of course come out in your M anyway.

I would have to say the Five Love Languages gave our M the most help. My H read it as well.

On a more personal and intrinsic level, Broken Open was the best for me. That could just be because I read it a few months ago too and I've already come so far. If I had read it at the beginning, I may have felt differently.

[This message edited by ohpuhlease at 7:32 AM, February 27th (Friday)]


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok, what is FOO? I wish someone had time to add and update all of the new abbr.

Happy Friday all.... hope you have a positive and peaceful weekend!!!

I'm going to try to be positive and not angry at WH all weekend...


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, it's a Friday. I always hope for a peaceful weekend.

Do you sometimes not want to forgive? Not want to forget?
Is that normal? I want to keep punishing him.

So, I need to try hard to make this a peaceful weekend.

Hope you all have a great Friday!


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
dbjl
♀ Member
Member # 22878
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ohpuhlease:

Is that book The Five Love Languages the same one by Gary Chapman?


Posts: 216 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: The land of pain
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 8:34 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FOO is Family Of Origin. Alot of people get stuck on that little abbreviation. Both H and I had FOO issues that had an effect on our preA problems.

Gary Chapman is the author of The Five Love Languages.

Happy Friday right back at ya!


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were given 5 languages by our pre-marital counselor... wish we had really 'gone' through it more... we've recently... well, I'VE recently re-read, and am trying to be more appreciative of what my H is capable of giving.

Thanks ohpulease!

Our MC on Wednesday talked about our dating 'time'. He thinks my expectations of H 'changing' (not ONS specific but other behaviors)...are normal, as we put our best foot forward in the wooing stage... he asked me too (if my expectations, etc. and that's why H is having a harder time and maybe being passive aggressive)... anyway, I said, I haven't changed at all... I let him see from the beginning who I am. I didn't wait this long in my life (married at 39) to pull the wool over someone's eyes and I know I'm a pain in the ass, and why we 'clicked' so well was because we were opposite to some extent. And if something had 'changed' (him viewing me differently or my expectations) I had a RIGHT to know by my H.... instead here we are because he chose to have an ONS.

Also, I do have FOO problems, but sought therapy years ago on my own. As I'm typing I wonder how much of my abandonment issues and being so independent add to the equation.

hmmmmm. sorry for reflecting in here, but sometimes you all help me see or hear things differently.


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, February 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have a cool story about The Five Love Languages. When H and I were just starting out in R, we both went to the bookstore but at seperate times.

That night we compared what we bought and it we had bought the same book.

I've read it 3 or 4 times and each time I've read it, I get something more out of it. The first time I read it, I was kind of focused on what my love languages were and not overly attentive to what his were. The second time I read it, I was far more focused on his language than my own. For example, his main language is physical touch, so I walked over to him and gave him a huge wet willy and then we wrestled for about 30 minutes. It was alot of fun and I darn near peed my pants. Even with physical touch, it doesn't always have to be sexual.

As far as my FOO issues, well I thought I had those under control as well. I've learned that I do during the good times, but toss in a bit a chaos and I go straight back to abandonment issues, etc...

My H had FOO issues as well so it helped me understand him better that way as well.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
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