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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
rivenheart
♀ Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 5:17 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

when the WS is involved in an LTA, it requires a huge amount of deception, secrecy and they get good at it. It's much easier to lie that 1000th time.

Well, maybe my FWH's just talented. He didn't have to lie 1000 times. He nailed it right off the bat, mostly just through concealing it. Didn't have to do much overt lying. I didn't know and I didn't suspect, so he was never asked about any of it.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
sable1120
♀ Member
Member # 14404
Sad  Posted: 10:50 AM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know ONS are supposed to be easier to get over (not at all). I kinda lost it friday when i was talking to my H on the phone. Had a bad afternoon with his daughter (my stepdaughter). Just wondered if I am wasting my time with her and him. told him that. He wanted to know why, I said because both you and her lie and cheat. We talked for a long time. I just go through these moments sometime and cant understand how if someone loves the other so much why its so easy to just throw it all away for a f**K. I know he is very very sorry he tells me all the time. One thing he did say that made alot of sense was. "I cant change what happened in the pass, I am so very sorry I hurt you, and if I could I would take the hurt away, I do love you and have always loved you all I can do is concentrate on the Now and the future and prove to you how much I am sorry and that nothing like this will ever happen again, and I am changing to become a better man." I know he is truthful about everything he says, but man it still hurts, when it raises its ugly head out of nowhere Everyone of us has to be strong if we want our relationships to work, I'm trying.


ME-BW;53
HIM-WS;39
MARRIED;7YRS
TOGETHER;8
KIDS;HIS;G-14
ME-B-20
DDAY;2/14/07 HAPPY F*****G VALENTINES DAY
2ONS IN NOV.2006

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: TX
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 12:11 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hmm...i wonder if our FWS got the same phrase and quote from some source somewhere. they all say the same thing. yes it does sound good and yes it does feel good, but dammit, it doesn't change the facts. and i've got a pint-size reminder for the rest of my life...that isn't going to change or go away. so...BLAH!

Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
kirstyka
♀ New Member
Member # 13726
Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, June 11th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all
So glad this thread is here.My FWH had ons in january 03.Tha bitch infofmed him 2 weeks later she was pregnant and threatened to tell me unless he paid her any amount she asked for.I didnt find out until august 04 when boy was 10 mths old .To say my world ended that day is an understatement.Up until then he paid money towards child.Then when I found out I stopped him thinking that if baby was his let her take him to court for money ,she hasnt looked for money since.She hes moved to another county about 5 hours from me.It doesnt make it any easier.I will always wonder if child is his,will always wait for knock on the door.The majic is gone from our relationship.Every single day it haunts me,wanting to know the truth ,but afraid also of what it might bring.CrazedNconfused you are so brave in such a shit situation Keep posting and happier days ahead for us all

Posts: 22 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Ireland
roses are red
♀ Member
Member # 14925
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, June 13th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello,
My husband had a ONS with a co-worker. They'd gone to a bar and she had suggested they go someplace else. She drove to her house and he followed. He tells me he didn't know they were going back to her place.
Then they have sex and he leaves. She persues him but he tells her no - a little too late for me. Meanwhile, I'm at home 8 months pregnant.
It hurts a lot that he did that and risked everything for one lousy fuck.


Me 37 Faithful
FWH 39
Married for 11 years, 3 kids
Confessed 4-4-07 to ONS
Reconciled.

Having a new bambino in June 2009!


Posts: 370 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: USA
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to send hugs and say hang in there.

Whatever happens with your M, just remember to take care of YOU. Do something just for you. Something that will bring a smile to your face even briefly.

(((hugs to you all)))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
whyus
♀ Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, June 27th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why are one night stands allowable, but long term affairs not? How many one night stands add up to a LTA? Am I the only one wondering?

How could someone in multiple one night stands ask their partner to overlook their transgressions because, in their opinion, they never gave away thier heart?

How can someone who has had multiple ONSs claim intimacy with their partner when the so freely gave it away to anyone?


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2007 | From: southeastofdisorder
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, June 28th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish I had an answer.

((((((whyus))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
whyus
♀ Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still struggling... -

1 ONS, a 2Ns, and then two (2) other ONSs...

Can anyone keep count?

Has anyone experienced this?


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2007 | From: southeastofdisorder
hurtnconfused16
♀ New Member
Member # 14877
Angry  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am thankful fot this thread. I often feel that my situation doesn't quite fit some of the other threadss. But it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. My H auctioned himself off to the highest bidder on the internet, and I guess he found a winner. But not only did he have sex, he brought a trophy home, in the form of pictures he could look back on with triumph. In the end, I guess I wasn't(was) supposed to find them, but why would you put the person you say you love with all your soul through this type of torture. Now, I not only have photographic evidence, but a constant reminder of his transgression. Now, what am I supposed to do? Stay?


BS(me): 27
WS(him): 30
M: 3 years(together 8 years)- 4th anniversary coming up this month(ugh!)
Kid: one darling son (3)
Dday : 4/5/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Nashville, TN
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((hurtnconfused16))))

I can't tell you what you are supposed to do. That is up to you and only you. I chose to stay. My WH is working with me on our M. We have our good days and our bad days. We are doing well in R. My D-day anti-versary was yesterday and I got through it in one piece without having a breakdown or allowing his actions to rule my day. What do you want to do?


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whyus -

How can someone who has had multiple ONSs claim intimacy with their partner when the so freely gave it away to anyone?

That's the whole point in a nutshell. They can't experience intimacy with anyone. That's how they're able to pull off the multiple ONS and chalk them off as "just a thing".

My H had over 50 ONS during his 7 year "escape". That I know of. He added an LTA to the mix too which he claims was basically a series of ONS, just with the same person.

I know my H fears intimacy, fears that someone will actually see him for what he is -- a worthless nothing. They can pump themselves up with the conquests, minimize it as less important than a quick hand load because they lack the empathy, compassion and conscience genes.

Why is the subject of many years of therapy.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
hurtnconfused16
♀ New Member
Member # 14877
Helpless  Posted: 1:56 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((karma)))
I guess that is the million dollar question. My heart says to stay. I still love my WH, and we have invested so much into each other. But my head says run!!! See, my WH has always been selfish in all his pursuits, and thinks little of how his actions may affect someone outside of himself. It used to be little things, like not picking up after himself, or not calling when he was running late. But, then it progressed to staying out late without any explanation and finally this ONS. So, it seems like a common pattern that has progressed. Common sense tells me that I need to get off this train before it progresses even further. But my heart, my hope for my family, makes it hard for me to step away.
Right now we are for all intents and purposes separated, but remain in the same house. We only communicate about the baby, and maintain our own space. I hate living in limbo, but afraid to pull the trigger and make a mistake.


BS(me): 27
WS(him): 30
M: 3 years(together 8 years)- 4th anniversary coming up this month(ugh!)
Kid: one darling son (3)
Dday : 4/5/07

Posts: 34 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Nashville, TN
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:05 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We've all had the same feelings. You are not alone in this struggle for peace and sanity. I know how hard it is to be in the same house as someone that you love but not speaking to that person like you used to. It's very difficult and it breaks your heart. No one knows what tomorrow brings. Know that things will change and it will be for the better no matter what the outcome. You will come out of this stronger. Hopefully you are getting out of the house. Leave him with the baby and go out even if it's just for coffee, to the bookstore, drugstore, whatever. Tell him you're going out and that you'll be back later. You need time to get all of this straight in your head so that you can get it straight in your heart.

((((((hurtnconfused16))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
McKenziesWish
Member
Member # 11970
Default  Posted: 12:56 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am struggling too. Last night we had a knock down drag out equivalent in intensity to the days following D-day (one year ago on July 10th). I hit him so hard. I can not believe the intensity of my emotions right now! How stupid of these foolish people to take a perfectly good relationship and add so much pain and agony through an encounter that lasts a few hours and ends with the exchange of body fluids. I just can not understand it! I worked so hard to provide a good home life, exciting/interesting sex, playful laugh filled fun, and planning for our future together...all of the things that are supposed to keep a love affair alife. 17 years of hard work and tons of good times and he ends it with a drunk and a drunk whore he picks up in a hotel bar!!! Now I am SICK AND TIRED of hearing the "oh I love you so much, I've always loved you, I'll never stop loving you. I dont know how I could have done it but I ALWAYS loved you!" I've grown from a woman who truly loved and admired her mate of 17 years to a woman who despises the very sight of him. I used to be in awe of his capabilities. I believed I was married to the most handsome man alive. NOW??? I think he is stupid. I think he is selfish. His thinning hair makes me sick. His face is wrinkled beyond belief and I get sick to my stomach when he tries to french kiss me. I do however continue to see that my 10 yr old daughter ADORES her dad. She loves him so much. When I tried to suggest that she and I move she totally panicked. She was terrified. I know that divorce is not an option for me right now. I just have to live in the house with this man who makes me sick. I have to pretend to be "normal" when my daughter is around so she does not see that my anger and animousity has finally taken control of me. This man used me up. He took everything good I had to offer and then he took up a sleaze bucket for a few hours. He is a taker...period. Well..he will NEVER take anything from me again. Hell I will not even wash his dirty underwear anymore. He is taking it to the cleaners. I told him I had worn myself out making sure to never take him or our marriage for granted. I wore beautiful lingerie and sexy undergarments for years! I did all kinds of little special somethings just to let him feel my love. The ONLY thing he had to do was work. I did EVERYTHING!!! and he could not turn that whore down for me? He has taught me that he is not worth anything I did for him and I will not waste my time anymore. I spend my days now laying around the pool at the club drinking cokes and watching the younger men swimming laps. I do not cook...I take my daughter out to eat. I have a full time maid now. I buy myself beautiful lingerie and clothes but NOW they are pink and baby blue...things IIII like...NOT black and red! I spend a lot of time with my headphones on blasting out music so I am not thinking about being stuck in the house with that nasty old man I am married to. Me and my daughter play games all the time so I am not forced to sit in the same room with the grandpa that I am married to. Anyway, ONS are NOT like LTA's or EA;s. They are their very own special kind of monster. with the ONS monster you find out just how little you really do matter. It would have been just as easy for him to finish it off in the toilet bowl and kept our family intact. Instead he used a woman as if she were a toilet bowl and reduced his family to nothing more than toilet bowl cleaner! He makes me sick. He does not even have the ability to say, "well she was my friend...I was in love before I realized it!" He just took the good I gave him and brought another woman into my life without even consulting me. Nope..he will NEVER get anything good from me again...NEVER!


"He is a


Posts: 712 | Registered: Sep 2006
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, July 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((McKenziesWish)))

Wow. What a powerful post. I admire your strength and courage. Good for you for making him do his own laundry and cater to his own needs.

I hope that you are doing o.k. emotionally. I know it must be hard to be in the same house. You are a good mother.

((((((McKenziesWish))))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, July 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for starting this thread...hopefully it will continue!
My story is similar to many of yours...drunk at a bar, etc. The big difference is that I had contact with one of the women involved (yes I said one, he was aiming for a menage a trois.) My silly man gave her a business card with our e-mail address (he is computer illiterate) but must have forgotten as he got wrapped up in his fantasy. What really, really hurts is HE TOLD THEM HE WAS SINGLE AND RAISING HIS TWO SONS ALONE!!!!

Ouch. The women (one had sex, one said no when he offered) felt really badly and I could tell they were sincere. She was worried about me and we e-mailed back and forth many times. I got the WHOLE story...one of the first things she told me was that there was no way this was the first time he did it, that he really had his "game on". She told me he was on her friend at their hotel room, that he turned around (while f**king the other woman) and said "your next" with a smile.
Sometimes I think that it would have been better not to know all those awful details. Like he took a shower before and after. Then came home to me at 2:30 a.m. and said I'm sorry honey, my cell phone broke. Said he was hanging around with "everyone" and when questioned about women said "who would want me in my stinky work shirt" Holding it up as evidence.

Wht I realized from this situation is that at some point in our relationship (most likely after the baby was born)my mans personality split in two - one the adoring hard working husband and father, and the other a stupid 18 year old with simply a desire to get laid.

He tells me now that when he drinks he doesn't give a crap about anyone. Obviously, he has stopped drinking. Now I think about how that night when he came home resembled so many other nights, stumbling in way past closing time, saying he was only hanging with the guys...and realize that if I had not found out, I would have just thought it was like any of those other nights.

Now I look at every single time (and there was quite a few) that he went out and got hammered, and think - Who did he F**k that night?

Trust is way lost. This is a depressing post, and I have hope. But I had to get the story out. Feedback?


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
foreverchangedwi
♀ Member
Member # 15368
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my husband was "outed" by his ONS turned 2 year affair, he swore she was the only one, the only time. Two weeks later I find a card from the ex wife, hidden, and when I threaten to call her, he admits to sleeping with her while we were dating (They were divorced before I ever went out with him) He stopped sleeping with her, when she called my house (he was in the process of moving in with me) and told me, stupidly I didn't believe her, and believed him when he denied it. Stupid me huh?

So then after I lose it over that little bit of information, he admitted to 2 other women that lived or he met on his route, he is a mailman, that he "paid" to have sex with. The last one that blackmailed/threatened he didn't pay, but was curious about sleeping with an obese black woman. She turned the table on him, and to be perfectly honest, I don't blame her, if he was low enough to lay with it, and she played him, he got everything he deserved. He is so tight with money and ended up giving her thousands of dollars for "doctor bills from the botched abortion" of a kid that "couldn't" have been his anyway, that is karma enough for me. The icing on this pile of shit will be when I leave.


BW-me
FWH-him
D-Day-1/24/06


The measure of a person is not based upon the words that they speak, but upon the choices that they make- {Borrowed from lieshurt}


Posts: 1557 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Florida
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 1st (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((healingtree)))))(((((foreverchangedwi)))))


wanted to reach out and give you both hugs. I hope that you are finding support here.


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 8:59 AM, August 9th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope everyone is doing well on their own personal road to a better relationship with themselves and/or their WS.

((((ONS Support Thread))))


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
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