I have been highly suspicious, and rightfully so, since my h's ons.
One of the reason's he believes that our marriage was so crappy and got to be crappy was because he never voiced his feelings, he hid things from me such as denting my car, and regularly turned to internet and movie porn to satisfy himself sexually. Needless to say he didn't value me as his wife and I was constantly compared to other women in his head (that is my belief).
On Friday evening after a long day of two jobs, I got home and we were going to bed and we just got a new TV up in our bedroom that de-scrambles digital TV that we don't pay for so we get movie channels, digital, and HD stuff for free (please don't tell Comcast!).
I was being a smart ass and told him to show me the channels where he watched his porn. He got really silent as for the past two months he hasn't looked at it and has vowed not to. He then told me the channels and I asked him the last time he had watched it and it was two nights ago! He swears that it was the first time since the ONS that he had but it HURT me SO much.
I view porn as CHEATING on me! We have both read a book that was recommended to him called Every Man's Addiction.
He thought that if he watched it he would somehow test himself and not have to masturbate. Well what the FUCK. He obviously failed.
I think it is disgusting that he would feel the need to masturbate to the image of another woman. He has me and had sex with me less than 24 hours to his failed test.
It was like ripping off the scab to the wound he created.
Such a set back.
I'm sorry if somebody else feels otherwise, but there is no need to watch porn or masturbate if you have a spouse and center your sexual desires around that individual.
What a set back, and it even pissed me off more that he wasn't forth coming about it and was again hiding something from me.
FUCK IT. I HATE THIS AND I HATE HIM FOR DOING THIS TO US!
DDay - 12/01/2008
no advice, just hugs.
my h had looked at internet porn on a few occasions. i don't believe he is doing it any more, but i can imagine how that felt for you.
i am so sorry.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
While I personally don't equate porn with cheating, I do believe that if you are so strongly hurt by it that your husband should respect that. ESPECIALLY in light of all you've been through.
I always just figured that my husband looked at porn... I always had the "every guy does it" mentality and thought it was okay. After finding out about the ONS, I feel differently. Especially since he described his feelings (or, what he remembers of the ONS) as being "like porn". Now, I see porn as something that desensitizes people to the nature of true intimacy. It trivializes what should be a sacred connection between two people.
Please talk to your counselor about this (and report back!) I'm interested to hear what he/she has to say about this topic.
Your husband needs to understand that now, more than ever, what is best for the BOTH of you and not just HIM need to take the forefront. Perhaps he can think of that the next time he's channel surfing.
It basically equates the way that men view women in general. They get sexual satisfaction from their mind, their body, and their eyes. When men are getting sexual satisfaction from their eyes, they don't need it from their spouses.
If our H's are being sexually satisfied by their eyes from another woman's image, why the hell do they have you?
And the book is great on explaining that men's minds do look for sexual satisfaction with everything.
There is no reason why a man should be finding sexual satisfaction from their eyes on another person's image. Period.
Sorry for such a strong viewpoint. I too had the mentality that most men do look at pron and it's a guy thing. But after this ONS I have really figured out that all Porn does is poison what men think of as being with just one person, making love, and sex. My husband had a whorped view of sex and our love life was existent for him. He was never meeting my needs, it was simply for his satisfaction.
In the past two months he looks at me differently, talks to me differently, and is in tuned more to me.
You can create fantasy for yourself in your mind and imagine your partner for the fantasy. There is no need to have a fantasy that is created for you on the TV and it is simply for him.
H get's it now. I think he is disgusted with his own behavior and he needs to be not only honest with himself but with me. I didn't have the view of pron as cheating because I was never aware of his behaviors with it. He was doing something and hiding it from me, and at the same time physically satisfying himself without me. There was basically no need for me sexually and that is something that a marriage needs to survive, being with each other in every way.
I think he is having to change for himself too. He is ashamed of his behavior and hasn't even been honest with himself.
Thanks for all the support you all!
I asked him for some space - I guess that is called a separation.
Sorry its. huge hugs.
WH was away on business trip out of country. Was involved in heavy drinking and late night bar hopping. 23 yr old woman starts paying special attention to my H. Long story short group would go back to hotel room and continue to party. She stayed and bam happened three other times on trip. You tell me what an idiot he was. One of last nights she comes up to my H with language translator and asks for money. "That's the way the work it down there.: So my H was an idiot. We are struggling with R big time. I can't move past it. That is my big question of the day. If I pretend or put it out of my mind, I can rebuild or act like I'm trying. But the moment I "go there" about the circumstances of him planning to meet me on the way back and what he did I shut down. We are in MC. He has recently gotten sober. Is there anyone out there willing to tell me what a dumb sh**t he was? My heart is broken. D-Day was in October 08. He is trying but honestly......You're never the same are you?
crushed and tnkr, hugs for you both!
I'm sorry you find yourselves here but I'm happy you found SI as a resource.
He's moving out on Thursday. The past week-and-a-half have been hell...he's staying out late so we don't cross paths, but that just means I think about where he's staying and who he's been with. He also told me that he's "avoiding" dealing with all of this stuff until he's on his own, and the result is that it's like a switch...he's now really cold and matter-of-fact.
I know that these are things he's doing to protect himself, but they still hurt.
I'm trying to build my own life, start yoga, reconnect with old friends. Things that stem from the personal growth I've been doing in response to this breakup. I'm not so strong yet, but I can see it coming down the line.
I just wish that after taking this time to clear his head and think about things, he'd realize that he DOESN'T want to do this, and that we really can work out the things that were wrong (I'm already far along the path as far as my own behaviors). I wish that he'd see what a treasure our relationship is and that he'll change his mind and we'll get to know each other again. I can only be patient...no begging or pleading. But I have this terrible feeling that now that he's chosen this path, he will refuse to deviate from it even if he desparately wants to. He's stubborn, and the idea of going through the pain, or the complicated issues associated with reconciliation, etc. will seem too great and he'll decide it's just better to start over.
Does anyone have a crystal ball? Does this ever actually happen after a breakup?
Does anyone have a crystal ball?
I wish I did.
If you are into reading at all, try the book 'Broken Open' written by Elizabeth Lesser. I found it very helpful. Just be warned that she does speak about when she had her own A but I found her viewpoint very helpful.
from the company he worked for when he had his ons.
i was doing well today until i came across that.
he is out on a trip--his ons happened on a trip.
edited because my key doesn't work and i had to cut and paste my d's
[This message edited by itspjw at 5:01 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]
My H works away too and it took me so long to not let it bother me, particularly when I would trigger.
He is normally gone for 3 weeks then back for 4 or 5 days. This last trip at about the midway point, I was having a particularly shitty day and it felt like that heavy dark cloud over me again.
I had to fight my way out of that funk kicking and scratching.
I know what your saying, so I'm happy you could post to get some of the poison out.
[i'm skipping caps for you ]
i'm sorry you are triggering.
i've been lurking for the last couple of days - unable to form a sentence to talk about my recent dilema.
i asked him to move out for a bit. he of course thinks everything is final. i said no, i just needed some space and time to think. he isn't GETTING it... so i thought too, this would be an opportunity for him to think about things. i told him... maybe you will never get it, and that is OK - i just need to know for me. he wants to GET it... but he wants ME TO SPELL IT OUT FOR HIM. HELL-F-ING-O... excuse me, but i don't think so. i don't want to tell you what to do. i want you to know what you need to be doing.
anyway, after spelling it out, loud and clear and making it known i wanted him out... monday we got back from city and he had to go deliver something and i told him to back an overnight bag and stay with his friend (since he would be up there anyway). he said, can i just go tomorrow? i was too tired from the trip to deal, so i said whatever.
on tuesday, i asked him not to pick up our daughter when he got off of work - i would do it and he should be gone by then (an hour or more to get his stuff etc.) when i got home HE WAS THERE.
daughter of course loves her afternoon daddy time and was jabbering and hugging on him... then i saw his face and it was red. he was crying and then he just held her and was sobbing and of course it KILLED me. so after all was said and done HE STAYED.
ugh - he did this, why do i feel bad? and i do want some space, but deep down, i didn't want him to go. i told him i didn't want him to go, but that every time i cave on something it feels like he gets in this comfort I DON"T HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT stage.... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
ohpuhlease, i can't imagine him being gone for 3 weeks then only home 4-5 ays. my h is gone 3-4 then home 3-4. at the time of the ons, he was gone about 18 ays, home about 12 (that was ba enough!)
whathappenedtome, i am apparently skipping d's now too, unless i copy an paste them! my d key oesn't work right now!
are you an h in mc?
h thought that what i wanted him to communicate was the ons. i told him, when i want to know something about that i will ask you specifically.
what i want is for you to talk. for you to open up your big fat mouth and talk to me. for you to tell me what is going to be different in our m so we don't end up here again.
because.... a year plus ago i said to him... you're lying... lying leads to more lies... you're lying about stupid shit, stupid shit lies will lead to bad lies, and bad lies will lead to an affair (i don't even think i believed he would do this, but i did say this).
more soon.... boss back