Granted, it cost me a pretty-penny (of my personal funds) to replace it all, but hell. No WAY was I going to spend the rest of my life "wondering" if this shirt, or these jeans, etc.
I can't decide if I want to have him agree to throw them away (knowing that I'll be upset if he refuses), or just get rid of them myself after I figure out what he was wearing (knowing that he'll probably be angry that I did something irrational and destructive).
I wish he said, "the thought of the whole thing makes my skin crawl, and I never want those clothes on me ever again. I'm tossing them this instant."
I suspect he won't do that, though.
I suppose this, too, shall pass.
[This message edited by Wind Knocked Out at 9:24 AM, February 2nd (Monday)]
Actually - REALLY FUCKING pisses me off!
He fucking wore it on my birthday last week out to dinner with me and just doesn't get it!
DDay - 12/01/2008
If a piece of clothing is bothering/triggering you, toss the damn thing. (Replace as needed.)
Do you think for one second that I "asked permission" to toss the suitcase and it's contents? No f'n way. Just did it. No regrets.
[This message edited by Devestatedx5 at 8:35 PM, January 30th (Friday)]
Retrieving the shirt for a burning! Yep, the thing will be burnt probably tomorrow night on our deck in OUR fire...
And he wants to do it now. I'll be back...
And apparently he agrees with my wants and is prepping the fire! God, I never seen this motivated of a man...
Paradoxically, it wasn't until I really began to examine and focus on what I wanted and needed from the marriage, did the reality of the condition of the marriage settle in for me.
If you don't mind my asking, how far were you into R when this occured. For me I think it was at about 1 1/2 years into it. Perhpas it was because the shock had worn off. The majority of the anger was gone and there was no place else to turn except inward.
And inward is really the only place where true healing occurs.
At first I waited for my FWH to understand that the clothing he was wearing while he was hooking up at the bar was a trigger...and yes he said - but its my favorite!
I washed it and other triggery clothing for several months waiting for him to understand.
The day I went through his closet, took out every piece of clothing (bar t-shirts, etc, AND the favorite thing) and tossed it in the trash and said "I just can't look at these frigging things anymore and I shouldn't have to!!!!"
That is the day he got it.
I don't really know where I'm going with this, but just felt the need to get it out.
Guess I'm not as far along in my healing as I thought I was, huh?
Just lots and lots of hugs.
During his POS phase...my H actually told me he thought it was okay to flirt at bars...that he would never "DO" anything...
He said that "all men do this...not to be with that person but just to check and make sure they've still GOT IT".....
I disagreed, and disapproved, but because I never thought he would cross that line, I didn't worry about it.
Give me another
Sorry, I'm rambling again, and the more I talk about this, the more it worries me. Like I said, I think we need to have a talk about this very soon. He is honest to a fault, so I think I can trust what he tells me, but what if this is just so ingrained that he does it without even realizing? Plus, here's another fact: He believes that the ONS was an anomoly, a perfect storm, and not something that indicates any underlying issues he needs to address. Can that be true? Should I be worried about that?
[This message edited by rain7 at 1:09 PM, January 31st (Saturday)]
rain, you definitely need to talk to him.
i am so so glad this thread is getting more activity now. even though the wound is just as real and hurts just as much, and i hate that you all have experienced it, it helps to know i am not alone.
so, i went and met my h on his layover this week. this is the first time i have actually been able to do this (with kids, and my job, etc. the last time we tried, i didn't make it cuz flights were canceled). after some concern with whether i would even make it or not, due to canceled flights, i did make it and actually joined his flight on the last leg of the trip, barely, with no time to spare (the flight attendants were even joking about how they were holding the flight for the first officer's wife (me) not actually true, since they were holding for passengers on the flight i came in on, but...)
anyway, we got to the hotel, and both were tired and laid down to rest for a bit before going out.
well, what does one do when in a hotel room with their s? i don't know about you, but...
we were getting, ahem, physical. and, what just wouldn't leave my mind was the picture in my head of him with her. (happened in a hotel room, on a layover, with a flight attendant). during the two legs of the flight, i kept getting flashes...(please, no offense to flight attendants...but...since that is who it happened with, and, of course, there were flight attendants on the flight...sorry, trigger, but manageable. the flight attendants were all very professional and took good care of me).
anyway, i had to stop. he was wonderful about it, just held me and told me it was okay. he didn't even have to ask what was wrong. so he held me, we took a nap, then got up and went walking around the waterfront, then to dinner.
later that evening, after he drew me a hot bath, then we went to bed, things went much better...
hopefully this means i have taken hotels back from her. we'll see, i guess, next time i go.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...
Wow. I truly thought we were doing so well, talking things out and working towards R.
Turns out I was wrong. Last night, as I got home from work, he was dressed and had a backpack full of clothes. He told me that he'd been of two minds about whether we should stay together or not, and up until now, his gut had always said to stay and try. Now, though, he said his gut is telling him that it won't work.
He left to stay somewhere else for the weekend (probably his brother's) and is planning to move out as soon as he can. He's giving me some rent so that I can decide what to do with our place, but made it clear that this wasn't a break or separation, but it was just the end and wasn't going to change.
After the emotional roller coaster since D-Day, I hate to say it but I didn't have a tear left. I was calm, and am still calm now. I didn't sleep at all last night, other than dozing off for a few minutes here and there.
What kills me is that as a result of ONS, I've really been doing some major soul searching about our relationship and my role in making it not what we wanted. I really think that I had not been taking ownership along the way and should have been a better listener, been more willing to compromise, been able to talk to him without making every issue into an emotional gauntlet. I've been thinking of all the ways to change these behaviors in myself, including IC and MC.
But I'm too late. The best thing that ever happened to me is over because I couldn't see it before.
I don't recognize my life, I can't imagine my future, I don't believe he's gone, I can't believe I let this happen.
I am SO SORRY to hear that! I wish there was something I could say or do to make you feel better, but I know there's not. The only advice I can give you is not to take on so much of the blame for this. Don't beat yourself up for the way you reacted to what he did. You should have had the chance to get through this however you needed to. It's not your fault that he couldn't give you the time.
HUGS. This just sucks so much and I'm so sorry you're going through it.
Please don't blame yourself. I wish I had something wonderful to say that would take away your pain.
I am just so sorry. I wish I could hug you IRL right now.