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User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my h is a pilot, so he travels all over the country every week.

his ons was on a trip, with a flight attendant.

i am getting better with him traveling, but not there yet.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
3mtnlabbie
♀ Member
Member # 21948
Helpless  Posted: 3:18 PM, January 19th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marlye - My H is also out of town and left Friday morning and won't be back till late tomorrow night.

I triggered really bad yesterday at church when I saw so many couples holding each other and then imagining all the Hs having sex with another woman... Made me sick to my stomach.

And then the blind trust thing started running through my head. My H shouldn't have my blind trust for a LONG time, period. I love him and sincerely believe that he will never do this again but we just don't pick up where we left off! Six years down the drain. It's like we have been together since D-day. So wow, blind trust after 50 days - I don't think so.

I told my H that this trip was WAY too soon. He could tell I was super down yesterday and just hurt and he felt bad. I know there is no way he can pull anything stupid let alone want to on this trip but he is away and I am alone. I'm a very independent person, no joke, but I guess I just need him here. He was very understanding on the phone last night and said that I do need to give him more trust as time goes and that I couldn't keep him in a cage. I then totally freaked out and told him if I wanted him in a cage, that is where he would be until I was ready... I then apologized... Woops.

So yes - I don't like trips unless they are with me. We are a couple and this wasn't something he HAD to do, it was something e wanted to do.

On a side note - I bought new pots and pans last night in addition to a new carpet cleaner. Used one of the new pans last night and although I want Al-Clad, they are much too expensive on a teacher's salary, so I got a box set at Sam's that is made by Wolfgang Puck and super pretty! Also broke out the new carpet cleaner and got the entire living room done and the carpet looks bran new!

It is absloutely beautiful here today so I should really get off my duff and enjoy the day, but H isn't here...


Me: BW 27 (January 1982)
Him: WS: 29 (June 1980)
Together - since 12/10/2002 (almost 7 years)
Married - 09/03/2005 (4 years - and kind of surprised we made it this far...)
Children - 3 (all fur babies)
His ONS - 11/29/2008

DDay - 12/01/2008


Posts: 90 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Rocky Mountains
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 7:35 AM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H gets back tonight from being two weeks away. He will be home for a week and then gone again for two weeks.

Someone said to me the other day 'I don't know how you do it.' It actually got me angry and I don't know why. All I could think was 'thanks for nonsupport'.

When a S works away, it puts alot of additional stress on he relationship I think. My H has been working away from home for over 4 years, and although our M wasn't perfect before, it was pretty darn good. With them working away, it completely shifts the household when he isn't there and when he returns. It was only through alot of communication, reassurance and support did we get to where his working away has finally been manageable. It's not just a ONS I would be worried about as I don't want that shitty M that we had in the months leading up to it again either.

This last time he went away has been the easiest. If it were a test, I think both H and I would've passed with flying colors. It's taken us 2 years to get here but I hope what we've learned will be able to sustain us too.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 1:30 PM, January 20th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

3mntlabbie, i have had may triggers at church. i hate it.

my h left yesterday morning for a 4 day trip. 2 day trips are not a problem (he's only actually gone one night) and three are usually doable (gone two nights). but four days are extremely hard still.

seems like a lot of us here have s's that travel.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
1Marley
♀ Member
Member # 22281
Default  Posted: 9:03 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

itspjw-- I haven't been a part of this group very long but I've been amazed at how much a lot of us have in common.

My H comes home tonight from his trip. It's been a hard few days and sleepless nights. I haven't been worried that this would happen again, but any alone time seems to get my mind spinning.

I guess the main thing I've found myself doing over the last few days is grieving over the loss of trust we had. He checked in with me multiple times a day, called me every night before bed, printed out his schedule, etc. and while our counselor would be quick to say "doesn't this show you how committed he is to the marriage?", the reality is that I'm sad that he needed to do these kinds of things in the first place. I'm sad to be the wife who cannot trust the man she married to keep her safe.


Posts: 80 | Registered: Jan 2009
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,
I know exactly how you feel. My H is being amazing and wonderful and loving and sensitive....however, every time I think about IT I spin out of control and think how did we end up here.

He's not there yet as to why... and realy will he every be?


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley,
I know exactly how you feel. My H is being amazing and wonderful and loving and sensitive....however, every time I think about IT I spin out of control and think how did we end up here.

He's not there yet as to why... and realy will he every be?

When he leaves town... I am lost in all the thoughts of why am I staying???

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 9:31 PM, January 21st (Wednesday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, January 21st (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1Marley, i also see how much we all have in common.

whathappenedtome,

My H is being amazing and wonderful and loving and sensitive....however, every time I think about IT I spin out of control and think how did we end up here.

He's not there yet as to why... and realy will he every be?

i am right there with you.

i am having a hard time tonight, since he is out on a 4 day trip.
((((hugs to all))))


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 12:21 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D oany of you feel that it was better not to know? Why couldnt the WHs handle it on their own simply because it was a one time thing which they had no plans to repeat?
I sometimes keep thinking that the confession was to not to take any more guilt, unburdening of their mind and souls and now that has passed from their shoulder to ours...now the onus is on us to deal, heal, decide if we want to end it just for one time only? ....and because they are not in love or grieving the OP they carry on with their lives with some amount of relief that its OVER...but for us it living hell.....


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
whyus
♀ Member
Member # 14733
Default  Posted: 7:03 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello. I wanted to say hi to you all on this thread. I have lurked and couldn't help but post finally since it seems we have so much in common.

A little about my situation. I am a FWW and also a BW. My H is a pilot who has had multiple ONSs. I had a LTA. Dday for us was a little over 2 years ago. H discovered my LTA and then confessed to his multiple ONSs. We are in R now and doing great thanks to a great therapist and total committment to each other. I am actually expecting a new baby in the next couple of weeks.

It is very hard when your spouse travels out of town - I think that is what makes ONSs possible and so easy. I would have NEVER known if H hadn't confessed. I had some indications because he acted guilty and there was some 'evidence' that I chose to deny. When I asked him, he lied and said nothing happened. I chose to believe him and live in denial.

I think the fact that alot of our FWHs confessed makes a big difference. Once it's out in the open, and we know what signs to look for, it is harder for them to repeat the behavior. Remember, they didn't have to confess. They could've hidden the secret and continued this behavior and we'd likely have no way of ever knowing for sure.

My only advice is to hang in there while your spouse is travelling. Keep up communications with them. Have designated times to touch bases on the phone, instant messaging, texting and Skype. Skype is a great way to keep in touch if you each set up webcams on your computers. You can actually see each other when you talk. It helps to be able to look each other in the eye - even if it is over the internet.

Anyway, I just wanted to say 'hi' and share some tips I've learned on this journey through R.


Posts: 81 | Registered: May 2007 | From: southeastofdisorder
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Frustrated  Posted: 11:52 AM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Having a 'ugh' day.

Nothing bad actually happening. WH is being wonderful. Thoughtful. Caring. Understanding (is counseling co-worker who's wife is being awful about everything...co-worker saying he doesn't know how long he can 'take it' and WH telling him if you love your wife and kids... as long as it takes). Loving. Remorseful.

He is doing everything right.

I want him to suffer. I have not said I love you since it happened. He says everyday that he hopes I will say it soon. He says he knows I love him or he wouldn't be 'here'

I made him re-tell me the details (which all he will say is we had sex). he can't stand it. He groans and gets weepy. He hates talking about it and I want him to have this discomfort.

Maybe TMI....At 1:30 AM today he woke up in pain (which woke me up). He had a vasectomy last month and one of his balls is hurting really really bad. When I woke up I was instantly thinking about 'them'. I said well karma is a bitch. Maybe you were having a dream about her. HOW MEAN AM I??!!

Anyway, he couldn't sleep so he went to the couch (HE NEVER DOES THIS). Weird.

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 12:04 PM, January 22nd (Thursday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my h had a vasectomy at the end of october...about a month and a half after dday.

i felt mean, too, but i felt almost...glad? i dont know what exactly, but i didn't feel sorry for him.

guess i'm mean, too!


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 9:23 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weird its! My WH's vasectomy was a month and half after d-day too. We had it planned prior to the ONS, but I made the statement before that he didn't have to do it, because I wasn't certain I would stay with him.

Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

whtm, we had always talked about a vasectomy for him when we were sure we wanted no more kids.

since the time came after dday, i told him he had to decide if he wanted more kids, since what was going to happen with us was still up in the air.

it is weird, huh?


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, January 22nd (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Every time I read here I realize what a unique beast a ONS is! Hs were drunk, they travel a lot for work, blah, blah, blah. It just trips me out.

Rainbow, I felt what you were saying for a short while, about why did he have to tell me? Of course, he had unprotected sex, so I guess he had to. But as I said before, for awhile a felt like he told me so I would leave him. I no longer believe this, most of the time, and our M is better than it was before, so far. Hope it stays this way.

Have any of you ever triggered while your H was out of town, and you couldn't reach him? It happened to me a few weeks ago and it was awful. He could only be reached by text message (he was hunting in the boonies), and his phone was silent and on the charger and he didn't check it until hours later. He felt terrible, and I told him from now on if I can't reach him, he doesn't go. Period.


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
rainbowlittle
♀ Member
Member # 22334
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have any of you shared or plan to share to show or discuss this thread with your WH for them to better understand things?


Bad marriages don't cause infidelity; infidelity causes bad marriages.
-Frank Pittman


Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2009
survivinglies
Member
Member # 19376
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have shown things to FWH from this site from time to time. It has helped. He also knows my login- so if he wanted to some on here and read my posts he could. He normally doesn't come on here much. He said this site makes him feel like he's being slapped in his face with his ONS.


BS (me)
WS (him)- ONS 1995, 3 month EA 0708
Married: 18, Together: 20, DS & DD
"Onlies" until ONS
95-98 trickle-"we didn't have sex"
D-day #1 (1/23/2008- EA OW#2)
D-day #2 (5/1/2008- ONS OW#1)
Isaiah 40:31

Posts: 1397 | Registered: May 2008 | From: U.S., just a few miles south of insanity
whathappenedtome
♀ Member
Member # 21695
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine registered here. He hasn't posted anything (and may not ever), but he has been reading in wayward. I used to print lots of things for him to read. He hates reading, so I told him this step was a huge thing for me, because it shows he is really trying.

Other than that, I concur with Rain in that our marriage (as far as effort by WH) has never been better. He is in IC and we are talking about how (and why) he didn't have any boundaries. I saw somewhere on this site someone said something about their spouse never believing (oh, I think it was Dimple) that they were capable of cheating, so they didn't have good (or any) boundaries. I think that hit the nail for my WH. I guess I do believe him that I don't think he will ever do this again.

But meanwhile, I'm left hating, angry and hurt beyond belief. Hate is an emotion I try to stay clear of and that is frustrating how easy it is to hate now.

[This message edited by whathappenedtome at 10:18 AM, January 23rd (Friday)]


Posts: 289 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Way UpNorth, California
ohpuhlease
♀ Member
Member # 13679
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

have any of you shared or plan to share to show or discuss this thread with your WH for them to better understand things?

My H knows my username and password so he can read anything I post. I don't know if he has ever looked but I would guess he has. I'm okay with him knowing anything I share on SI.


Those who know others are intelligent. Those who know themselves are truly wise. - Lao-tzu, Tao Te Ching


Posts: 5714 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: *Proudly Canadian...Eh!*
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've printed things and showed them to him, mainly to give him some perspective on how I was feeling at various times, and so he would know my reactions weren't that unique to me...almost everyone feels the same basic emotions going through this.

Whathappened, you just struck a chord with me on what you said about boundaries...that was my H to a T!!! He NEVER thought he was capable of cheating. This thing has shocked him as much if not more than me. He didn't really have to worry about boundaries before, but he sure as hell does now! I never worried about giving him any, or very few, but that is another total 180. Now I find myself being jealous of other women in his life, mainly work acquaintences, that never even phased me before, and I really resent it! He is a boss and part owner of his company, so he has to deal with all the employees. Although a point he made is that SINCE he is the boss, that leaves him with really no room for any inappropriate talk, flirting, etc. Not that that would stop some people!


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
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