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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, June 1st (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

stillpissed,
my WH met his ONS at a bar/club also. He said he didn't initiate anything and I believe him but that doesn't make it any easier to accept.

Whether a woman is attractive or not, if she offered my WH sex, I would have thought that he would have and should have declined. We took vows. We are not two people that are casually dating. We are two people that are married and are committed to one another and our family. Wouldn't he expect me to turn down an attractive man that propositioned me?

Ugh!!!


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, June 2nd (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am really glad this forum finally exists. my FWH had a ONS...and about a year and a half later a beautiful 9 month old son showed up at our door step. you can read my profile and postings to catch up on all the "juicy" details. but it has a been a year out since D-Day and some days its bearable and somedays the anger and fury could drive me nuts. I wish it could just all go away and we could get on with our lives, but not so simple. He has made the decision to own up to his mistake and the existence of this child and play an active role in raising this child. His guilty conscious and his own sad childhood wouldn't let him do otherwise.

I wish this ONS would disappear forever...but in my case it exists to me everyday in the face of a beautiful happy little boy who turns to me and calls me "mama". :( It's not his fault...I know that. But sometimes I can't help but just to stare and see the resemblence of my H it hurts like hell. I am a working professional w/ a doctorate...I am a decent looking girl. she is a 200lb whale who lives on welfare...and she gave my H his 1st born son.

They say that because I have decided to stay w/ him I have to forgive him. How in the HELL do I begin to do that? Keep posting folks..only the ppl here can ever begin to understand what we have been through. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat r feel free to ask questions.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
pioneerspirit
♀ Member
Member # 14751
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, June 3rd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for starting this thread. My WS claims it was ONS, he would never even have admitted tot hat, to a PA ata ll after I found a woman's name and number in his wallet, except that he gave me an STD. An incurable one, which although many people are lucky enough not to be bothered by it too much--I'm not that lucky. I'm in extreme pain from it every freakin month, for a year now. And still get fevers.

How can I even be sure it was a ONS, my gut tells me it wasn't....


Me: BW 39
WH:35, srryntrying
D-day: June 6, 2006
Day he gave me GH: my birthday, 2006
Married 8 years-together 13
2 children (5 & 7)
OW: not sure yet, happened across the country, where he has to go regularly for work

Posts: 99 | Registered: May 2007
stillpissed
♀ Member
Member # 10259
Default  Posted: 12:52 PM, June 4th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PSPIRIT,
It is scary, I know. One of the enlightening things about this board is the similarity of the stories. My H swore, this gal in the bar hit on him hard. He claimed he tried to push her off on his friend, ignored her....blah blah. It took about a week for me to find out he left the bar with her, it took a few more months for him to admit that they'd kissed (and missed lips at that). He never would've admitted to having sex with her. She is the one who told. I still wonder about her motivation in telling me and I still wonder if it truly was a ONS.


DDAY #1-NOV 21ST, 2004
(ONS occured but H denied)
DDAY #2-APRIL 28TH, 2005
(ow spilled the beans)

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Lake
NotSoPerfect
♀ Member
Member # 14862
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to find this thread. I've done a lot of reading here in the last few weeks and noticed that most people are dealing with long term affairs or mutliples, which leaves me feeling as if alot of the advice may not apply to my particular situation (yet, much of it does).

At this point, I consider myself fortunate that it was *only* an ONS. I hope that I don't find out otherwise. To me, the emotional involvement would be more difficult to deal with than a quick, meaningless f*ck.

Don't get me wrong ... I'm devestated and trying to deal with it every day, BUT one of the details that I seem to focus on is whether or not there was emotional attachment. To me, that would put the entire incident in a whole different light and it might affect my thoughts on R.

I guess we each have our own priorities and that just happens to be mine. I see that some agree with me, and some disagree, but that's good. Maybe we can help each other through this ordeal.


Me - FBS (37)
Him - FWS (42)
D-Day #1 - 5/3/07 (just the texts)
D-Day #2 - 5/10/07 (the 'whole' truth)

Married 11 years, 3 kids


Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2007
scrapbooker
♀ New Member
Member # 14732
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH also had a ONS with a co-worker. Drunk like most of the other stories. Drunk or not there is no excuse.

The fact that it was a ONS is truely the only way I am able to move past it. Trust is sort of there b/c of his sincere remorse but at the same time it is not there. I've never had so many mixed emotions in all my life.

Regardless of ONS or a continuing affair the choice was made and that is what hurts the most.

Reconciliation is possible though if the WS is remorseful. We are only 3 weeks out from D-Day and I'd say that we are doing pretty darn good.


Me: BS - 31
Him: WH - 31
Kids: 1 Four legged
Married: 1997
Together Since: 1993
ONS: 4-24-07
D-Day: confessed on 5/17/07

Posts: 24 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Oklahoma
pioneerspirit
♀ Member
Member # 14751
Default  Posted: 2:20 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((stillpissed)))

Thank you. I do find all of the stories helpful, becuase they're similar, and when they're not I still always see another soul who's hurting in a way I can understand, we've been hurt int he same way. And I'm learning about what the truth may be, as I see how others have been lied to, and what similarities lie inour stories there too.

My freind kept suggesting this site (her WH screwed up a couple fo years ago), and this site helped her.

I had tried another forum after it first happened. I can't even rememebr what it was called, but people were so mean to me, when I wouldn't leave my husband right away. It was weird, I expected some support.

Maybe I'm stupid and weak for not leaving him yet, but is it going to help me to be mean to me?...anyway...

All this this to say how much I appreciate this site already.


Me: BW 39
WH:35, srryntrying
D-day: June 6, 2006
Day he gave me GH: my birthday, 2006
Married 8 years-together 13
2 children (5 & 7)
OW: not sure yet, happened across the country, where he has to go regularly for work

Posts: 99 | Registered: May 2007
NotSoPerfect
♀ Member
Member # 14862
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, June 5th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't told many people about what happened, but one of the few I told said something to me that just kind of blew my mind.

She said she respected me for having the courage to try to work through it instead of just telling him to hit the road. I had never thought of it that way. I actually thought I was just being weak and to me, R *was* the easy option.

Not to say either one truly is easier, it was just interesting that somebody commended me on sticking with it instead of telling me I was an idiot for not kicking him to the curb. Interesting take on it ...


Me - FBS (37)
Him - FWS (42)
D-Day #1 - 5/3/07 (just the texts)
D-Day #2 - 5/10/07 (the 'whole' truth)

Married 11 years, 3 kids


Posts: 57 | Registered: Jun 2007
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 12:52 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NotsoPerfect, I have told a handful of people - and I am glad I decided to stay. Not one person wanted me to leave my H, and all recognised the cleaner less messy emotional option for me would be to end the M, as opposed to trying to move on together.

I also think my friends were selfish... breaking up with your H changes everyones lives. I notice that at least one of my friends will take a long time to see my H for who he really is again and not define him by his ONS, and until it happens to them (and I think everyone is at risk of a ONS or A affecting their lives) they have no clue and no right to judge you or your S.

If I broke up with him I would have had to go through this grieving process regardless of staying or going. I would be facing the same trust issues with a new partner..... Staying with my H has definitely been the harder road to take for me, although it has been the best outcome for my boys. That said I totally understand the need for others to leave, and would not hesitate to do so if my life is affected by this again

Just a note I have terrible issues with herpes simplex have had it for 23 years. Since this has happened my face has been plagued by cold sores, (from stres) as I type I have three around my mouth now.... At least they are only occuring every couple of months now. I am so sorry you are suffering from GH. I know that I would be plagued by outbreaks if I had it.


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oops posted twice

[This message edited by babyblueeyes at 4:58 AM, June 6th (Wednesday)]


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Whoever said that it was easier to leave, was never in our shoes. It is very hard to stay and work it out.

I think that a ONS is unique in the sense that since it was a ONS, you always fear that it could happen again.

I know that everytime that my husband has a drink (even with me at dinner), my insides start turning. If he goes to a bar with friends to watch a game, my heart pounds a mile a minute for fear of re-living the last year of my life.

It's hard on us all when an A hits your family. But we have to remember that we need to be strong and put ourselves first. Our health, our emotional and spiritual state and if we have children, our strength to get up, dust ourselves off and continue on.

I wish you all inner peace and eternal blessings.

If nothing else comes out of what you've been put through, then I hope that you at least find yourself in all the mayhem.


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
stillpissed
♀ Member
Member # 10259
Default  Posted: 12:58 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before my H's ONS spilled the beans my H had already sworn to me he'd never set foot in a bar without me again.
The problem is that I can no longer go anywhere or do anything without him.
In 15 years of our marriage I had ONE (1) "girls night out" Period. He had guys night out every weekend in the summer months and occasionally in the winter. They didn't always go to a bar but when they did I was told that he just went because everyone else wanted to go and it wasn't a "pussy hunt". When I expressed jealousy or concern I was chastised like a child and one time when I expressed fear by saying something like....."well what if a pretty girl hit on you and you'd been drinking...what would you do?", He dismissed me by saying "things like that don't happen to guys like me....I don't flirt with, mingle, dance or even make eye contact with women when I goe out, its just the guys and we listen to music and mind our own business. I'll never forget his last statement was "well, if that ever happens (the pretty girl thing)....I'll call you.!!"
Funny thing I was always paranoid that he'd dance with someone (I saw that as a prelude to a relationship I guess, you know, you dance, ask each other your names etc)and I always asked him when he got home where he'd been and if he'd danced with anyone. I guess I was asking the wrong question.


DDAY #1-NOV 21ST, 2004
(ONS occured but H denied)
DDAY #2-APRIL 28TH, 2005
(ow spilled the beans)

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Lake
sable1120
♀ Member
Member # 14404
Shocked  Posted: 3:02 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know the sad thing all these ONS is it doesnt even have to be in a bar. One of my H's ONS was at our so called best friends house. He told me he was going to go have a few beers at so and so's house just up the road from our house. A friend of his wifes was there, got in the truck with my H and thats where it all started. The so called friends allowed it to happen in the front yard in our truck. so you have to be aware of any situation. the bitc*es will approch any one and every one to F**K them, and they dont care who it hurts.


ME-BW;53
HIM-WS;39
MARRIED;7YRS
TOGETHER;8
KIDS;HIS;G-14
ME-B-20
DDAY;2/14/07 HAPPY F*****G VALENTINES DAY
2ONS IN NOV.2006

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: TX
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 3:19 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't mind if he dances with someone else because I know the "once a year" girls night out, I might dance with someone else. (I love to dance) But, I know that is all that is going to happen, a dance. I know my boundaries. Unfortunately, our WH's step out of bounds while they were "drunk".

Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
stillpissed
♀ Member
Member # 10259
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, June 6th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I love to dance too. He doesn't. There were dozens of times I had a girlfriend in from out of town and we wanted to "go out". He always poo poo'd the idea and so we never went. (He didn't want to go) so we stayed home. He would have had a cow if I'd went without him. In his mind the difference is that when he and the guys go out it's always just a spontaneous deal, they never planned it out or got all dressed up and went. When us girls go we'd like to clean up and look pretty. He doesn't understand that and really thinks there is a difference between the two. I could be spontaneous and just slip out with the girls if I had a babysitter 24/7 like he does. arg. and kmf I know it doesn't have to be in a bar.....so many slutty women...arg arg!


DDAY #1-NOV 21ST, 2004
(ONS occured but H denied)
DDAY #2-APRIL 28TH, 2005
(ow spilled the beans)

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Lake
knifenheart
♂ New Member
Member # 13921
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this thread is here. I see how similar our ONS stories are now. It's hard to find information on this. I'm about 5 months out. My W got drunk and let her best friend's husband have her right at our home. BTW He wasn't so drunk. I caught them red handed. Since then she hasn't had a drop of alchohol and we both have made significant changes in our lifestyle.
I don't go out much anymore, but last night I went with a friend over to a couples house for a cookout. The couple asked if we would ride down to the bar with them for a drink. The guys W got bad drunk and kissed some stranger at the bar right in front of his face. Then, when he confronted her she denied it while she was grabing some guy's d*ck behind her. My friend and I took them home and got out of there. I just can't believe it. I saw a good man crying and his wife just didn't care. It really messed me up seeing that. Just had to tell someone.
I hope the best for us all.

Posts: 20 | Registered: Mar 2007
crazedNconfused
Member
Member # 11075
Default  Posted: 12:24 PM, June 8th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm really sorry you had to go through that. As much as the women on this forum do our fair share of complaining about men, I know that there are plenty of women who choose to live permiscously and tread that fine line also. I wonder and wish if there is a psychological profile or chemical imbalance in people who live with no fear of hurting others.

I know that there are good men out there...actually I know my H is a good man despite his mistakes. We can only hope that people learn from their mistakes.


Posts: 104 | Registered: Jun 2006 | From: Texas
hannahjex
♀ New Member
Member # 14929
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, June 9th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this thread is here. My fiance had a drunken ONS with a co-worker last November and it really upsets me when people say 'well at least it was just a ONS'. I'm sorry but it wasn't just anything! He cheated on me and it darn near killed me knowing that he'd risk everything we had (we'd been together 3 1/2 years at the time and for 4 yrs now) for one stupid drunken romp in an underpass with someone he barely knew! *sigh*, we're in R now, but I still find it hard. I still always wonder if I'm being naive by staying with him; if he did it once and 'got away with it' will he do it again, etc., etc.


I tried and tried to forget this
but Iím too damn full of resentment...

Posts: 5 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Bristol, UK
rivenheart
♀ Member
Member # 13838
Default  Posted: 1:03 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad this thread is here too.

My FWH had two ONS's, six years apart. That mostly covers the entire time we've been married. They weren't hookers and he wasn't drunk. Just two women who propositioned him while we were far away from each other. In each case, we knew the women before hand. I wasn't close to either one of them. But the second one he'd worked with previous to the ONS, and we'd entertained her and her (now ex-)husband in our home on several occasions.

I guess what's so bothersome about the ONS vs. a LTA is that there's so very little to go on. When you're a BS, all your senses and suspicions are on high alert. You'd KNOW if there was a serious emotional involvement or something long-term going on. Right? Or at least we think we'd know. But with a ONS, the infidelity can happen with no prior planning, with nothing after-the-act to cover up, no emotional involvement, no secret communication, and with very little time to account for. So how do we know for sure it's not happening again? It sucks.

My FWH travels a LOT for work. That makes it really hard for me. I want to believe he's on the straight and narrow, and there have been no red flags at all. And yet...I KNOW there's opportunity for him if he wants to make something of it.

We talk three times a day on the phone when he's away: morning, lunch, and evening. It helps a lot. But there's no way I can be 100% certain he's being faithful. And I can't trust my own judgment about what he's up to because I was totally blindsided by the discovery before. I never thought he was capable of that much compartmentalization and deception. Obviously, I now know that he's quite capable of it.

Another thing that's different about ONS's: there's less of a "lesson" to draw from them I think. Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends is excellent. But it's mostly geared towards the aftermath of LTA. She finds it useful for the BS and WS to discuss what the WS saw in themselves (and liked about themselves) during the A. This doesn't exactly work with a ONS, because the duration is so short. So I feel like there are fewer tools or guides out there for recovering after ONS.

BTW, just wanted to say I'm very grateful that I haven't run into the "ONS's are trivial compared to LTA's" attitude here at SI. But I can honestly understand how someone dealing with a LTA would think dealing with a ONS is easier. As a BW, I'd certainly choose to deal with a ONS over a LTA, or a LTA with a relative of mine, or a LTA with a relative that results in an OC. Let's face it, infidelity sucks, but some BS's have it worse than others. Not saying ONS's are nothing, but all things considered, I know others have much worse to deal with.


rivenheart ~ heartriven
Me: BW, 36 at d-day; WH, 40

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Mar 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, June 9th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess what's so bothersome about the ONS vs. a LTA is that there's so very little to go on. When you're a BS, all your senses and suspicions are on high alert. You'd KNOW if there was a serious emotional involvement or something long-term going on. Right? Or at least we think we'd know

As the BW of a FWH who had both ONS and LTA, I can tell you this is really not true. You'd think it would be. And I did know something was going on, but suprisingly, the only evidence I found previous to Dday was from the ONS. When I found the letter from his OW, I thought the motel receipts, condoms all related to her... none of it did. They were all from the ONS.

Yeah, you know something is up, but when the WS is involved in an LTA, it requires a huge amount of deception, secrecy and they get good at it. It's much easier to lie that 1000th time.

All infidelity sucks. And that's the truth.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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