Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
Find a Local Couselor
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: brokenhearted730 (43224)

I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
lvmysens
♀ New Member
Member # 18028
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, July 1st (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just seen my post from Feb 11. God, I should have known he was lying to me!! He didn't have sex with a hooker, he used that to throw me off the scent that he slept with his ex wife in Nov. He says it was a one night stand. Isn't that when say you sleep with someone once and don't talk to them, didn't really know them before, and it ends at the end of the night??? He was talking to her for months, before and after. They were married and have kids together. Texting..so they think because they jumped in the sac once that is a one night stand??Am I crazy!! sound like an affair to me..But he freaks out if I say affair. Whats the difference he minipulated me, lied to me, and slept with her. Nothink worse then an ex who is always learking in the back ground. Tomorrow is our anniversary. I don't feel like doing anything. I found out on Mar 30th, from there Daughter. She thought I knew they slept together. I had found out 6 hours before that my grandmother died, and I couldn't say anything to him until the next day when she was gone, which would have been THERE 18th wedding anniversary....sorry for the rant..needed it

Posts: 15 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Kingston
cant_understand
♀ New Member
Member # 20208
Default  Posted: 12:27 AM, July 12th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

it has been over 3 years since i found out about it and it happen about 1 half year before. my h had a ons with my sister. we was at her house before we got married and i was downstairs sleeping and what i have been told and all that i have been told was she gave him a blow job. i found out my my sister who moved in with me and now husband got into a fight over her not helping around the house. and so she packed her and her kids up and left but before she left she said i needed to ask him about what happen with them at the beach at her house and then she left. so i asked him and he told me that she gave him a blow job and that was it and he does not remember anything else can not tell me when or why and she does not remember anything else they was not drinking or anything. when i ask her about it she just tells me she does not recall anything and says she put it out of her head cuz she was not happy with herself that she did it in the first place. the hard thing for me is we was never unhappy never fought or anything and me and my sister was best friends and never hide anything from each other and so was me and my husband we always told each other everything or i thought we did. i think it would help me heal if someone would just tell me what went on and why it happen and who started it

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jul 2008
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 2:46 AM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally found what I was looking for. I am new to this site, just registered today, and there does seem to be a distinct difference between ONS and LTA or EA. Oh god, I'm using the damn abbreviations now. My husband had a ONS, after getting drunk in a bar. He didn't use a condom. He is very repentant and pretty much is making himself a whipping boy and will do whatever I say or want. But here is the thing, he fucked someone who he found disgusting. But the fact that she was so into it and wanted him so bad, combined with how drunk he was, made him go through with it. I don't know if it would be better if it was someone hot, or someone gross! He said he would have never even looked at someone like her under normal circumstances. He is answering all of my questions and taking whatever I dish out, but I am having a really hard time dealing with how he could risk everything we have for something like that! I, too, like a lot of the other posts I have read, feel like a dumbass for not kicking him out immediately. It seems to be a pretty common ailment in this forum. I just found out last Friday, and the ONS happened last Tuesday, so this is all still very raw.


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
halfdestroyed
♂ New Member
Member # 19952
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, July 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWW and I are working on things through MC once a week now, but the pain of the ONS she had is terrible. It was 3 days after freaking Christmas! That will be a nice trigger. The Saturday before Christmas we had a huge romantic night with the best sex of our lives, then she screwed some drunken co-worker. I saw him at her job a day before she did this and something in my mind said, "you should go bash that guy's face in" but I had no reason to at the time. Man I wish I had a time machine. A ONS is huge to many people. To me it is worse. The WS is not having sex with someone that they know is clean, they just do it with someone who they know nothing about. She knows it was stupid and that is good. When I feel like at this time in my life I should be picking out colors for floor tiles, I'm instead waiting for STD results! I love my wife, but sometimes it is so difficult to not call her an idiot for doing something like this. I am trying so hard in R, but when someone that doesn't know asks, "how are you guys doing?" I want to say, "well my wife let some loser pound her at 2AM while I was taking care of our son, but other than that we're great!" Love her, but so much respect is gone now. Sex with her is strange, mostly when she takes charge. I feel like I could be just any dude at a bar.

Posts: 25 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: TEXAS
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't even imagine having sex with my WH at this point. Hell, I haven't even seen him in a week, as he is on vacation with the kids. He comes home tomorrow night, and I have no idea how I will feel when I see his face. I only found out the day before they left, and the pain of what happened hadn't even come close to fully sinking in at that point. I am very nervous about him coming home, and what kind of feelings it is going to bring out in me.


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
raginghope
♀ Member
Member # 11704
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, August 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two years since D-Day. Up front, let me tell you I feel like the biggest cliche on earth. Married 5 years, together 7 and my WS goes to a bachelor party weekend and hooks up with some complete stranger. He told me immediately upon his return and is definitely sincere in his remorse and humiliation. There is no contact...he didn't even know her last name. He was extremely drunk (no kidding, duh). He did not have intercourse with her, but they did things that I cannot forgive at the moment. It was simply a grown man acting the fool. I want to be rational about it, but cannot. Before, I had complete trust in my H. Never the W to say, "No. You can't go i.e. camping, drinking, snowboarding, etc." I enjoyed my time alone and never imagined he would be so stupid. Two years out, we have a new baby and I'm still unable to forgive him. I love him, but no longer believe in a happy ending.

I copied the paragraph above from my profile. It's been so long since I posted I thought I should post my story. I'm so glad someone started this thread and, stillpissed, thank you for posting here! As I said, I am also more than 2 yrs since D-day and feel almost as overwhelmed as I did the night he told me. It is driving both of us insane, but the words, images, and anger just won't go away. Anyone have words of advice?


Me BS: 36
Him FWH: 34
Married: 7 yrs
DS 5 months
D-day: 03/27/06
Working on R


Posts: 118 | Registered: Aug 2006
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 2:17 AM, August 18th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I made a decision to forgive 9 months after D Day - not to forget though. That helped with my anger a great deal.

TIME that dreaded word has helped heal the wounds. I forced the images from my mind, they were haunting me to much. If they come now, I allow it and then make myself move on.

I tried to just stop dwelling on it all the time.

I am in a much better place, and have accepted it happened. My boundaries are set in concrete and a repeat will not be tolerated.

You have to find a way to let it go and move forward. Perhaps you need conselling to deal with your feelings.

The second year was still hard for me, it was after I was moving more towards three years that I began to really move forward.

remember there is no time limit on healing


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
NewShell716
♀ Member
Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness I found you guys! I was feeling out of place with all the people dealing with LTA's.

I kinda feel like my fiance was involved in an EA with his ONS because she was his former girlfriend & they stayed in very sporadic touch even after we got together. My F says it wasn't anything like that & part of me believes him because one of the things I love(ed) about him is that he is so personable --- everyone loves him! I had told him back in November that I didn't like him being in touch with her, but he assured me that there was nothing to is except old friends keeping in touch every now & then.

The ONS happened the 4th of July. We had had a wonderful evening together, but he added her number to the Happy 4th text message he sent out to his kids/family. We had been drinking - him a little more than me - and from what he told me, the text messages got more sexually charged as they texted back & forth for a couple of hours. I was talking to my parents, checking emails & then went to bed. Anyway, 1 am I got up - he was gone. 3 am he comes back home & we talk. He gives me a story about going back to work for a party with the 2nd shift folks, but I knew in the pit of my stomach where he'd been. He finally confessed the whole thing the next morning swearing it was a drunken, opportunistic, dirty sex thing. Oh the other thing is that her house was being foreclosed & she's moved out of state. Maybe a goodbye f&*k??

We've been trying to work things out ever since. I've hit the wall being totally pissed at him & everything he does. He's giving 150%. Any words of wisdom you all could give me would be greatly appreciated!


Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
healingtree
♀ Member
Member # 15467
Default  Posted: 9:23 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Newshell)))

My FWH also insists that his stint of ONSs were for sex only...no EA...to which I say bullshit. Two of the 3 ow I know about were co-workers, and their "friendships" obviously slipped beyond that BEFORE he had sex with them.

R'ing is tough, but if your man maintains his boundaries, and you are clear with your dealbreakers, that is a good start.

No female friendships...no "old buddies" no NADA!

My FWH is an alcoholic (came out of denial on d-day) and has completely given up the booze as well as the lifestyle. EA or not, it was an opportunity (for mine it was several) and they took it...therefore, those opportunity ridden situations are off limits

FOREVER

Or I am outa here.

It gets better...stay here, read alot, and do what you need to do for you.


FBS 1st D-day 7-11-07, 2nd DDay Post-Breakup in 8-12
HIM - Doesn't Matter Anymore
The only thing we can change about the past is how we look at it.

Posts: 8329 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: Here and Now
NewShell716
♀ Member
Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, September 1st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, healingtree. We're also dealing with the alcohol issue. He wants to try to monitor himself & he's done pretty good, but I would really like for him to give it up completely. Problem is, I like a drink every now & then myself & I don't feel like I can ask him to do something I'm not willing to do myself. Mistake??? As for OW, I went to her house & she is definitely gone....check the email/phone logs & everything checks out. Just need to get through this anger!


Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 3:33 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Problem is, I like a drink every now & then myself & I don't feel like I can ask him to do something I'm not willing to do myself.

Well, to me, difference is - YOU weren't unfaithful, he was. Consequences for poor behavior.

My DH's ONS occurred with a group of guys, all of them drinking and drinking heavily. DH is no longer allowed to drink unless it is WITH me. I, OTOH, have now taken up drinking - with him, with friends and alone.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
NewShell716
♀ Member
Member # 20858
Default  Posted: 5:39 AM, September 2nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Point well taken Devestatedx5, especially when he swears that if he hadn't been drinking it wouldn't have happened. Guess that will be the topic of conversation tonight! BTW, last night he did not have 1 drop of alcohol -- I was so proud of him & told him so!


Me BF 47
Him WF 46
ONS 7/4/08 (or so I thought)
DD 7/5/08
False R confirmed 9/14/08
I'm done......
Tried R again 11/11/08
Lots of hard work/counseling - Married 1/28/09
Marriage is wonderful - still some triggers & bumps, but FWS is worki

Posts: 136 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: VA
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, September 6th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you guys ever feel like you want your WS to be able to still do the same things they did before, only be able to control themselves? My H had a drunken ONS, too. He hasn't drank since then (July 16), except for a couple of drinks on two or three occasions with me. He will not go to a bar. He doesn't even want to go to friends' parties unless I am with him. I understand his thinking, but part of me worries that it is because he doesn't trust himself to be in those situations any more, and that scares me! I don't want to be with someone who can only be faithful if he stays on the sidewalk, KWIM? This is something that has been eating at me since day 1. I know the ONS support thread doesn't get a lot of play, so I might post this in another forum tomorrow. It's just that so many of the ONS stories involve the WS being drunk, or at a bar, or at a party, that I can relate more to them. Am I wierd for not wanting to limit my H's activities?


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
Devestatedx5
♀ Member
Member # 16557
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, September 8th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((rain7)))

Yep. My H no longer attends "off site/off work" meetings or get-togethers. (Things like the company golf outing, professional get-togethers with others in his field, etc.)

Yes, it DOES bother me, and YES, I've told him how I feel. I DO encourage him to attend some of them, with the only a few conditions - no drinking, no women, no going to strip joints or other places of similar "ilk".

He still won't go.
Says he'd rather stay home with me and the kids. Says he "gets more out of" being with us than he could ever hope to get from these outings.

I still worry, though.
I worry that he's purposely hurting himself in business.
I worry that he'll one day resent the fact that he felt "pressured" not to go - even though I've encouraged to attend at least SOME of the events, etc.
For now, I can only take what he says at face value - that he really doesn't wish to attend and would rather be with us.

I, too, wonder what the "true" motivating factor is - is it, like you said, that he no longer trusts himself to be in a social situation without me, with alcohol and with the availability of other women?

I think I'll ask him point blank about that this week - and I'll get back to this thread with what he says.


FBS-me (49)
FWH(57) ONS 8.19.07
Dday: 9.19.07
Married +26 years
RE-MARRIED 4.28.11
----------
Proverbs 31:10-31
Sometimes people are SO open-minded that that their brains fall out.

Posts: 2598 | Registered: Oct 2007
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, September 9th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rain7,
No, I don't think that you are weird for not wanting to limit your H's activities.

At first I didn't want my FWH hanging out at all. Mainly because the guys he hung out were the guys he went away with when he had his ONS. After a while I was ok with him going out. I have a problem with him coming home drunk. If you are telling me that the reason you had a ONS was because you were drunk (which I don't believe was the only contributing factor), then you should not get drunk. Am I wrong?


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 1:53 AM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, thanks for replying! I hadn't even checked the last couple of days because sometimes it can be FOREVER on this thread. My H still goes to company things that he really can't avoid. He is an owner of his company, so he HAS to do some of that stuff. Hell, before this happened, I would tell him to go ahead and go to a strip club if that's what everyone else was doing, but he refused to do it. Now, I wouldn't want him to!

I don't know for sure why, but it just really eats at me that perhaps he isn't doing certain things because he feels like he can't trust himself. He says he feels like he doesn't "deserve" to go out and do those things, or have fun without me. Now, that doesn't stop him from hunting his ASS off during deer season, which just started (bow, anyway). But I guess he feels that is "safe" to do. I guess it all comes down to my own belief system. I have never felt comfortable telling him what he should or shouldn't do. If I have to tell him, then it isn't coming from him. I want him to do, or not do, things on his own, for his own reasons, not because I made him. Even after his ONS, I still have a hard time asking for what I need. I guess that is something I have to work on. Lord knows HE never had any trouble telling me what I was doing wrong. I just never wanted to be the nagging wife, and I never was. But in doing that, I think I created a nagging husband! Okay, I have stopped making sense, so I will sign off for the night. Thanks for listening!


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

rain7,
I understand what you are saying. No one wants to feel like they have to "mother" their spouse. I never had a problem with my FWH going to strip clubs or out with the guys. Strip clubs I'm still ok with but it's out with the guys that makes me nervous. That seems to be the time when he feels it's ok to drink excessively. We're not in highschool anymore so it shouldn't be a matter of "because everyone else was drinking". The guys that he was with when he cheated on me, do not know that I found out. So, I have to pretend like all is well when I see them when in reality I want to tell them that they are all worse than scum and hope that they all have their spouse cheat on them! ugh!! now I'm rambling.

Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
rain7
♀ Member
Member # 20336
Default  Posted: 5:40 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That would really SUCK to not be able to say anything to them, or just the fact that they don't know you know. I think I would have to let a little comment slip out! I'm bad. I know this contradicts everything I have been saying, but I would have a hard time with him socializing with them at all! My H was with an employee/friend of his the night he cheated, but his friend had already left the bar, so he doesn't even know what happened. My H has struggled with whether to tell him or not, because now when he goes to his town for business (plus that is who he goes hunting with) he gets grilled as to why he won't have a beer, or doesn't want to go out. It is getting harder for H to keep it a secret. Why can't you or your H tell his friends that you know?


BS: Me, 42.
WS: Him, 42.
Married 18 years on 11/03/08!
Together 20.
Two DDs: 17 and 13.
ONS 07/16/08.
D-Day: 07/18/08.
In R.

Posts: 390 | Registered: Jul 2008
PoorTwistedMe
♀ Member
Member # 20956
Default  Posted: 1:06 AM, September 25th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good Thread! My WH had 9 ONS's (that he will admit to) over the course of our relationship. 5 involved actual intercourse, the other 4 were "fooling around", etc... Its just so foul & disgusting. All but 1 of the encounters were the result of a drugged up or drunken stupor. Whatever!! He is in SLAA now & is taking charge of his "recovery' but still...
Its just a hard pill to swallow. Makes me feel like sh*t all the time!


Twisted

DDay- 14 Aug 08, 16 Sept 08, 22 Sept 08, 7 Oct 08, 27 & 28 April 09
Trickle Truth is Brutality


Posts: 150 | Registered: Sep 2008
itspjw
♀ Member
Member # 21268
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband is a pilot. He got drunk and slept with a flight attendant. It happened 9 years ago, but I just found out Sept 11 this year.

I am devastated. I was so sure MY pilot would not fall into that cliche. I was wrong.

He cut off contact with her immediately after it happened, but he kept the secret for 9 years, and it changed who he was. He has not been a nice guy since then.

I had asked him a couple of times if he had cheated on me, and he always denied. This time, I confronted him in MC session. We had been going to MC for other issues, including his dishonesty, and some of the behaviors that I now see resulted from what he did.

He confessed, he is super remorseful, he has told me everything. We are continuing in MC and trying to reconcile. The change in his behavior is like he flipped a switch. He can't do enough for me, and is understanding when I trigger, when I get angry, when I cry. He knows he did this to me and is doing everything he can to help me get past it.

It's hard for me when he goes to work, because I know he is on an airplane with and staying in the same hotel with flight attendants. Fortunately he hasn't worked with OW since shortly after the ONS, so I don't have to worry about her.

I am still on the rollercoaster. I am still not even sure I can get through this. Some days are okay, some days are really really bad.


no, I can't take one more step towards you...cuz all that's waiting is regret...

there's just too much that time cannot erase

dday 9/11/08

And the more I know, the less I understand

Because of you...I am afraid...


Posts: 14786 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 1000
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5 · 6 · 7 · 8 · 9 · 10 · 11 · 12 · 13 · 14 · 15 · 16 · 17 · 18 · 19 · 20 · 21 · 22 · 23 · 24 · 25 · 26 · 27 · 28 · 29 · 30 · 31 · 32 · 33 · 34 · 35 · 36 · 37 · 38 · 39 · 40 · 41 · 42 · 43 · 44 · 45 · 46 · 47 · 48 · 49 · 50

Return to Forum: I Can Relate This Topic is Full
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.