I copied the paragraph above from my profile. It's been so long since I posted I thought I should post my story. I'm so glad someone started this thread and, stillpissed, thank you for posting here! As I said, I am also more than 2 yrs since D-day and feel almost as overwhelmed as I did the night he told me. It is driving both of us insane, but the words, images, and anger just won't go away. Anyone have words of advice?
TIME that dreaded word has helped heal the wounds. I forced the images from my mind, they were haunting me to much. If they come now, I allow it and then make myself move on.
I tried to just stop dwelling on it all the time.
I am in a much better place, and have accepted it happened. My boundaries are set in concrete and a repeat will not be tolerated.
You have to find a way to let it go and move forward. Perhaps you need conselling to deal with your feelings.
The second year was still hard for me, it was after I was moving more towards three years that I began to really move forward.
remember there is no time limit on healing
I kinda feel like my fiance was involved in an EA with his ONS because she was his former girlfriend & they stayed in very sporadic touch even after we got together. My F says it wasn't anything like that & part of me believes him because one of the things I love(ed) about him is that he is so personable --- everyone loves him! I had told him back in November that I didn't like him being in touch with her, but he assured me that there was nothing to is except old friends keeping in touch every now & then.
The ONS happened the 4th of July. We had had a wonderful evening together, but he added her number to the Happy 4th text message he sent out to his kids/family. We had been drinking - him a little more than me - and from what he told me, the text messages got more sexually charged as they texted back & forth for a couple of hours. I was talking to my parents, checking emails & then went to bed. Anyway, 1 am I got up - he was gone. 3 am he comes back home & we talk. He gives me a story about going back to work for a party with the 2nd shift folks, but I knew in the pit of my stomach where he'd been. He finally confessed the whole thing the next morning swearing it was a drunken, opportunistic, dirty sex thing. Oh the other thing is that her house was being foreclosed & she's moved out of state. Maybe a goodbye f&*k??
We've been trying to work things out ever since. I've hit the wall being totally pissed at him & everything he does. He's giving 150%. Any words of wisdom you all could give me would be greatly appreciated!
My FWH also insists that his stint of ONSs were for sex only...no EA...to which I say bullshit. Two of the 3 ow I know about were co-workers, and their "friendships" obviously slipped beyond that BEFORE he had sex with them.
R'ing is tough, but if your man maintains his boundaries, and you are clear with your dealbreakers, that is a good start.
No female friendships...no "old buddies" no NADA!
My FWH is an alcoholic (came out of denial on d-day) and has completely given up the booze as well as the lifestyle. EA or not, it was an opportunity (for mine it was several) and they took it...therefore, those opportunity ridden situations are off limits
Or I am outa here.
It gets better...stay here, read alot, and do what you need to do for you.
Problem is, I like a drink every now & then myself & I don't feel like I can ask him to do something I'm not willing to do myself.
Well, to me, difference is - YOU weren't unfaithful, he was. Consequences for poor behavior.
My DH's ONS occurred with a group of guys, all of them drinking and drinking heavily. DH is no longer allowed to drink unless it is WITH me. I, OTOH, have now taken up drinking - with him, with friends and alone.
Yep. My H no longer attends "off site/off work" meetings or get-togethers. (Things like the company golf outing, professional get-togethers with others in his field, etc.)
Yes, it DOES bother me, and YES, I've told him how I feel. I DO encourage him to attend some of them, with the only a few conditions - no drinking, no women, no going to strip joints or other places of similar "ilk".
He still won't go.
Says he'd rather stay home with me and the kids. Says he "gets more out of" being with us than he could ever hope to get from these outings.
I still worry, though.
I worry that he's purposely hurting himself in business.
I worry that he'll one day resent the fact that he felt "pressured" not to go - even though I've encouraged to attend at least SOME of the events, etc.
For now, I can only take what he says at face value - that he really doesn't wish to attend and would rather be with us.
I, too, wonder what the "true" motivating factor is - is it, like you said, that he no longer trusts himself to be in a social situation without me, with alcohol and with the availability of other women?
I think I'll ask him point blank about that this week - and I'll get back to this thread with what he says.
At first I didn't want my FWH hanging out at all. Mainly because the guys he hung out were the guys he went away with when he had his ONS. After a while I was ok with him going out. I have a problem with him coming home drunk. If you are telling me that the reason you had a ONS was because you were drunk (which I don't believe was the only contributing factor), then you should not get drunk. Am I wrong?
I don't know for sure why, but it just really eats at me that perhaps he isn't doing certain things because he feels like he can't trust himself. He says he feels like he doesn't "deserve" to go out and do those things, or have fun without me. Now, that doesn't stop him from hunting his ASS off during deer season, which just started (bow, anyway). But I guess he feels that is "safe" to do. I guess it all comes down to my own belief system. I have never felt comfortable telling him what he should or shouldn't do. If I have to tell him, then it isn't coming from him. I want him to do, or not do, things on his own, for his own reasons, not because I made him. Even after his ONS, I still have a hard time asking for what I need. I guess that is something I have to work on. Lord knows HE never had any trouble telling me what I was doing wrong. I just never wanted to be the nagging wife, and I never was. But in doing that, I think I created a nagging husband! Okay, I have stopped making sense, so I will sign off for the night. Thanks for listening!
DDay- 14 Aug 08, 16 Sept 08, 22 Sept 08, 7 Oct 08, 27 & 28 April 09
Trickle Truth is Brutality
I am devastated. I was so sure MY pilot would not fall into that cliche. I was wrong.
He cut off contact with her immediately after it happened, but he kept the secret for 9 years, and it changed who he was. He has not been a nice guy since then.
I had asked him a couple of times if he had cheated on me, and he always denied. This time, I confronted him in MC session. We had been going to MC for other issues, including his dishonesty, and some of the behaviors that I now see resulted from what he did.
He confessed, he is super remorseful, he has told me everything. We are continuing in MC and trying to reconcile. The change in his behavior is like he flipped a switch. He can't do enough for me, and is understanding when I trigger, when I get angry, when I cry. He knows he did this to me and is doing everything he can to help me get past it.
It's hard for me when he goes to work, because I know he is on an airplane with and staying in the same hotel with flight attendants. Fortunately he hasn't worked with OW since shortly after the ONS, so I don't have to worry about her.
I am still on the rollercoaster. I am still not even sure I can get through this. Some days are okay, some days are really really bad.
there's just too much that time cannot erase
And the more I know, the less I understand
Because of you...I am afraid...