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I Can Relate     Print Topic    
User Topic: One Night Stand Support Thread
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, May 23rd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that have directly been effected by ONS's.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
stillpissed
♀ Member
Member # 10259
Default  Posted: 5:20 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I asked for this thread so I guess I'd better post! I am over 2 years out on a ONS my H had with a stranger in bar. I sometimes find it hard to "relate" to others who are suffering through spouses who have had real relationships outside of the marriage (LTA's or otherwise). I always get my nose out of joint when I read someone posting that if their SO had a ONS they could understand or get over it easier or blah blah. I always look for posters who's situation is as close to mine as possible, maybe to re-evaluation my own mental health (see if they're coping better than I, in light of our circumstance). If anyone else would like to post here I am interested in hearing how you're doing and how long it's been for you. If no one else posts than I guess this wasn't such a good idea and I'll go back to general as SI suggested.


DDAY #1-NOV 21ST, 2004
(ONS occured but H denied)
DDAY #2-APRIL 28TH, 2005
(ow spilled the beans)

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Lake
blind-sided
♂ Member
Member # 12240
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the ONS thread is needed, but there are less ons apparently. MY WW wanted to dismiss her thing as a ONS.....but since we'd only been married 1 friggin week......I could not get over it.........


Now Happily Married to no. 2, "the good wife"!.

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2006
blind-sided
♂ Member
Member # 12240
Default  Posted: 7:37 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by blind-sided at 4:21 PM, April 29th (Thursday)]


Now Happily Married to no. 2, "the good wife"!.

Posts: 1090 | Registered: Oct 2006
SoInLove
♂ New Member
Member # 14755
Frustrated  Posted: 7:54 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, nevermind.

[This message edited by SoInLove at 7:56 PM, May 25th (Friday)]


Posts: 17 | Registered: May 2007
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with you SP and BS. I have found that there is a gap in how to deal with this.

My H had a ONS at a conference when he was drunk with a co-worker. Has no idea how it happened - Look at my profile.

Next morning it repulsed him - they did not spend the night together and he told me immediately when he returned home shattering my world. Yes it was not an full blown A or the anguish of an EA - he did not lie to me, or deceive me. He was honest and has worn with remorse what he has done to me.

The pain nearly two years out is lessening, PTSD symptons are lessening but boy it is still there. My trust for him is tested really only at the conferences and now he is not drinking at them my heart knows he will not slip again, but my head questions what if?

For that moment I was not important and whether that situation occured for one night or a year - it occurred and we BS's have to deal with it.


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
ididntknow
♀ Member
Member # 9407
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, May 25th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mr idk called 12 whore houses before he found the one whore house that would send over his "type" of whore

this is the only time admitted to & the only one i know for certain about

HOWEVER, i do know he was a frequent visitor to AFF & other lovely sites such as that

he also pleasured himself several times a day with porn & his hand

i also don't like reading anything about "if only my spouses affair were an ONS"

pisses me the fuck off

but lately so do a lot of things


Posts: 8516 | Registered: Jan 2006
txtrueblue
♀ New Member
Member # 13832
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am very glad that this thread was started. I haven't posted in a very long time. I am almost 6mths out from finding out about my husbands ons that happened in 02. I really need this. I am having a very hard time w/trust even though my h is/was very remorseful. He didn't spend the night w/ his ons either but he still had sex w/ her and that one fact right there has changed my world forever. How do you move on & try to live life like before????????? ons still hurt...

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Texas
kajsa
♀ Member
Member # 12031
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, May 26th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SP my H had a ONS with an escort, hooker, whore (whatever) a little over 9 months ago. Just like idk, this is the only one that I actually know about, the only "incident" that he will admit to. Although it was only a 2 hour commitment, for those 2 hours being with her was more important to him than I was, and that's painful no matter how you slice it.

Posts: 1319 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: NJ
saddestbug
♀ New Member
Member # 13517
Default  Posted: 1:30 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm glad you started this thread. I'm6 months out from dday (thanksgiving weekend!) but I still am having a hard tiem. My WS is NC with OW but he has known her for several years. He was drunk, of course, and we had had a fight earlier in the day but I know that there is never any reason for a partner to go and have sex with someone else. My heart is still broken. I still think about moving out often. He is remorseful but just the thought of him with someone else, the sex, talking, intensity, and then knowing that he must think about it occasionally makes me crazy. Just the fact that his actions ruined something in us that didn't have to happen. There are many things that he has taken from us by his ONS that were good....and that may never come back.


"Gradually she came to find that life on earth was unavoidable" - Carl Jung

Posts: 35 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Arizona
hurts
♂ Member
Member # 9444
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only thing I see as different with a stright ONS and one the is not related to a EA is the fact that you don't have to deal with the emotional connection. Other than that, the tauma you suffer as a BS is just as intense. To all here who have been there, we understand.

I know I do feel for those having to deal with the emotions. BS and WS alike. I watch the wayward side and see some of the WS struggling so hard to find a right path. It is the rending of the heart that makes it so much tougher. They too have a hard lot to hold.

I have had to deal with a long term EA and a ONS. Different persons. I found it easier to live wih the ONS than the EA. It doesn't make the ONS any easier to deal with though, just different emotions. And i still trigger from the ONS. More now than prior few months. Just sensitive right now.

Good to see the thread.

SoInLove - it's your place also. Post your thoughts. I have found that even in vents, so many can identify.


Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
--- Charles M. Schulz
SO if I check my pulse, and it is not there, do I get the day off?

Posts: 8381 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: At Home
Hope and Faith
♀ Member
Member # 14757
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for starting this thread. Not sure if I fit in here, WH's ONS were escorts or hookers or people placing online ads for "no strings attached" encounters. He admits to about 5 the last 2 and a half years. We've been married five. Not sure how many really...seems hard to believe he could just do this once every six months or so if he was willing to take the risk to do it at all. Dday was only a week ago and I'm very new here. I do find it a little harder to fit into SI because of the ONS situation and not an EA or LTA. But I am in a way relieved not to be dealing with that. It's kind of sick that that should make me "happy."

I agree with kajsa...it took time away from us and trying to help our relationship be what it could potentially be, so it still hurts. And WH put time into shopping around for someone, planning, plotting, and being secretive. So it's still the part that is the deception and the lying in this situation for us. Now I don't know how I'll ever feel okay about an out of town business trip, him working late, or even using our home computer while I'm in another room or asleep. I don't know how I can trust him again to make good decisions. He says he was mainly "just looking" and "curious" and that got this started. I am learning it probably goes way deeper and he sought couseling immediately and we are working on R. It's still painful. We have 2 small children, and I don't understand how he could do this to us and them.

My guess is that there are more of us who's WS have had ONS. I think they are just a little bit easier to cover up. It seems that LTA's have two people and lots of time that eventually someone trips up and discovery happens eventually.

I'm doing better than I thought. I'm pissed, I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm depressed, but I realize I love my H and I wasn't very loving all along. ONS's were not my fault, but we both were to blame for terrible communication. I'm going for IC (starting later today) he's doing IC, and once we get a handle on that we'll do some kind of MC.

It sucks to have to be here at SI at all no matter what the situation.


FBW 41
FWH 39

Committed to R?
DD#2 now...not sure


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
sable1120
♀ Member
Member # 14404
Default  Posted: 12:29 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I want to say thanks for starting this also. My H also had 2 ons. Still hurts very bad but we are working through it. Our relationship has grown even better. He to was drunk and out with friends. He no longer has the freedom he had in the past and he is ok with that,because he doesn't want to loose me or his lifestyle.


ME-BW;53
HIM-WS;39
MARRIED;7YRS
TOGETHER;8
KIDS;HIS;G-14
ME-B-20
DDAY;2/14/07 HAPPY F*****G VALENTINES DAY
2ONS IN NOV.2006

Posts: 71 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: TX
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 1:57 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. My FWW's infidelities were all ONS's as well. The thing that hurts me the most is that so much was gambled for so damned little. There was no emotional attachment to the OM, no pining, no fog. Just down and dirty quickie sex. It all seems so pointless.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
gonecrazy
♀ Member
Member # 12884
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím on the bus with rest of you folks. DDay was 15 months ago 2/9/06; ONS and I caught them red asses in my own building. It has been a long few months, but we are R, he to was drunk off his but. That still does not make it right in my book. I donít think I will ever be able to trust him again, anyway not for a long long time. The only thing that has saved the marriage was the fact of it being an ONS. I am having so much trouble getting past this; he was my best friend, the ONLY person in my life that I thought I could trust. Lots of things have changed he does not have the freedom that he once did, nor will he ever. I guess time will tell, what will happen to us.


Me BW 50
Him WH 63
D-DAY 2/9/06 ONS, one of 3
Separated 3-08-09
Back together 06-11

Posts: 86 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: SE Ohio
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:17 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my H went the hooker route for who knows how many (well over 40) ONS, guess I fit here, but he also had an LTA during this time too.

Frankly I don't know if I can actually say which hurt the worst. Maybe if it had been one, but then there's the "all those years tossed aside for one piece of strange" dynamic.

My H's wanderings STARTED with the professional ONS (it even seems weird calling them that since it was a whole HOUR). So yeah, it was a predetermined, premeditated, choice on his part to destroy us. Can't even say, "well, he HAPPENED to be standing outside this brothel and hit on." No, he researched, hid the money, chose a damn disgusting USED piece of trash over his wife of 15 years.

[This message edited by weepy at 2:18 PM, May 29th (Tuesday)]


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
twinnie1
Member
Member # 14640
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for starting this thread. I felt like I was the only one dealing with a ONS. My H got drunk and had sex with a woman he met in a club. She was looking for a man, any man and unfortunately she got mine. Unprotected sex. I am dealing with it as best I can. At least he is very remorseful and is guilt-ridden (as he should be!). He was honest and told me about it right after it happened. That is the only thing that is saving our marriage is the fact he was honest and feels awful about it, but the pain is still horrible. People just don't understand unless they have been there.

[This message edited by twinnie1 at 11:41 AM, June 19th (Tuesday)]


I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.
Phillipians 4:13
He said "I can do all things ..."
He didn't say it would be easy.

"Forgiveness is not about forgetting. It is about letting go of someone's throat"


Posts: 258 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Somewhere between Heaven and Hell
karmasnmf
♀ Member
Member # 12370
Default  Posted: 2:56 PM, May 29th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH had a ONS one year ago from Sunday! He was drunk (like that is an excuse!) and out of state. She gave him her contact information. He called her when he returned from his trip. The calls and e-mails continued until I found out on July 9th.

I thought that Sunday was going to be a very bad day for me but I told my WH prior to Sunday that he needed to do something to "re-claim" the day. We had a really nice time together and are working hard in R. We are working toward communicating more effectively. I think he finally hears me and is not just listening and vice versa. The triggers still occur. There are still days where I question whether or not our relationship will stand the heat. But deep down I know that we will.

I am very grateful for this thread. To US, a ONS is just as hard to deal with as a LTA. Our spouses still cheated on us whether it was one night or 7 years. We are still emotional wrecks because of it.

(((stillpissed))) thanks for suggesting this thread!


Posts: 2603 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: New York
stillpissed
♀ Member
Member # 10259
Default  Posted: 6:40 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank goodness someone else posted along with me.
I was just reading another thread DI started about "if an attractive woman offered a man sex, would you blame him?". It had me so angry and made me feel so stupid.
According to my H, his ONS approached him in the bar, made small talk, asked him to dance (he refused), then after 1/2 hr or so of small talk asked him to take her home (her car was broken down) stripped off her clothes and the rest is history. I would have bet anyone I knew my H would not have let another woman in his vehicle much less go home with her to screw. The whole story sounds a little too much "penthouse forum" to me. The OW never said anything to dispute his account but Geez, am I an idiot for thinking it might be true? Does it even matter if it is the way it happened. She was attractive (real attractive). But I still always wished no matter what, if a super model propositioned my H I would have expected him to say "Thanks but No." period. Damn.


DDAY #1-NOV 21ST, 2004
(ONS occured but H denied)
DDAY #2-APRIL 28TH, 2005
(ow spilled the beans)

Posts: 272 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: The Lake
babyblueeyes
♀ New Member
Member # 14603
Default  Posted: 10:45 PM, May 30th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SP I scour the website looking for similar situations. I hear you about the supermodel......

Never thought it would happen to me, sadly it did and I see now I was foolish to think that I was immune from it.

I know my H has got it, I know he never wanted this situation, but yes he did it and I have to deal with the possibility it could happen again if his boundaries are not set in concrete.

No one can walk him to his room, he cannot drive people home.....

Today at work another secretary he despises at work came and gave him a hug today. His boss is on his back because he keeps to himself too much now (wonder why They do not know at work). He feels violated but knows his boss will say to him that this secretary is like that with everyone and everyone loves her.... Yeah well if my H was a woman, and a man hugged her at work we would be hearing sexual discrimination from the human resources dept

Thanks for opening the thread. Appreciate it


BS mid 40's FWH mid 40's
D Day 30 July 2005
Married 23 years together 26 years
3 Sons 2 adults and one teenager

Posts: 18 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Australia
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