I have also considered tattooing rings on our fingers some day but if he cheated again after that I would have to cut off his finger. Oh well...
SurvivingInCa - you say you don't believe in blessings and rituals, but you seem to be in need of a ritual The first thing that came to mind was a thorough cleaning. Maybe you and your spouse could light a candle, say some nice words, and put the rings on eachother's fingers?
ETA: I don't think he stopped going to church because of the A. I'm not sure why, actually, but he's been getting disillusioned with it all.
[This message edited by EmptyCup at 4:27 PM, October 8th (Thursday)]
Nothing much but love to give you, even less have I to hide - Tim O'Brien
[This message edited by Recoveringwife at 3:21 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]
Always admired the fact this thread existed, but honestly never felt the need for help in this department. I fit the criteria and all, but just never made it down here.
Any-hoo, wanted to share this excellent secular Christmas song by one of my favorite entertainers from Australia (their best kept secret IMO) Tim Minchin. This song is called White Wine in the Sun and its quite moving and witty:
Happy Holiday Season
I find myself WANTING to belive again. Tomorrow is Easter. I would love to believe in something higher. But I just can't see it possible.
Does that ever terrify you all? I hate thinking about death, that this is all there is. I think about it all the time, especially now. That this life is all BH and I have - so we better make the best of it.
[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 10:46 PM, April 3rd (Saturday)]
I get so sick of people's attitude that since I am an atheist, that I deserve every bad thing that has happened to me. How un-Christlike can you get?
And another thing that gripes my hide, is "Putting it in God's hands." The ULTIMATE cop-out.
*edited for grammatical errors
[This message edited by doodley at 12:06 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]
the thing that makes my head explode (and then brings on the creeping self-doubt of a recovering catholic) is when people in my family say two things:
first my parents blame all marital problems on the seemingly "godless" inlaws. my WH husband wouldn't have done this or be so confused if he had a proper religious upbringing... I shut that down quickly with facts: his parents have been married for 35 years, raised him lutheran, and his mother plays bells and sings choir at about 4 different churches. (btw - at one time, my korean SIL apparently caused my brother's raging alcoholism with her cultural differences and arguing).
now i'm getting this... "i just don't see how this will ever get better without WH putting Jesus in his heart." that's it. the sum total of problem and solution, made so very evident by statistics. you know, the ones that show that if you are saved, you won't cheat and impregnate an OW...and if you are both saved, together you can save this marriage and handle an OC.
ARRRRRGGGGGGG. sometimes i feel like it's the only camp to offer me any "hope" that i can save this marriage. part of me is still hanging onto this "meant to be" dream i have, and so i fall back on "well, maybe they are right, maybe i can only save this marriage or have a successful one if we go to church every week."
but i can't do it, the thoughts don't feel authentic. right now i'm more vulnerable than i've ever been, so of course i'd be tempted to go back to another abuser? i always felt so guilty and powerless and wrong in the faith of my FOO.
i guess i want someone i trust to tell that me religion or lack thereof is not the reason this has failed. i want to stop feeling guilty for wanting to leave without, i don't know, going to retrauvaille and "learning intimacy using the bible and by praying together."
incidentally, my catholic parents totally support me either way...made easier and brought to you by (breathless pause)- The 7th Commandment and the fact that i have grounds for annulment.
i've never seen myself so cynical. i'm usually a pretty romantically minded person, hoping there are such things as reasons for things, challenges given and destiny. that was the first thing to leave me, and probably will be the last to return. i miss my dreamy sense of romance and destiny...always kept in check by a pretty level, nerdy head. the bleakness without it is crushing. and i suppose i see people use religion to fill that bleak view and brighten it. i want something else to do that for me. i feel so lost. to be expected i suppose.
life must be rich and full of loving--it's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone - j. kerouac
It's not that I have trust issues, it's that you shouldn't trust some people!
Luckily, I haven't had any well intentioned people trying to offer religion as reason or salvation from my situation. But it has been a major concern for me while seeking out my IC.
To me, and even through all of this, the world remains more beautiful, meaningful, and deeply profound without religion as a personal practice.
I will engage in the argument when I have to. But I prefer the route of mutual respect when the subject of religion (or lack thereof) comes up.
Although I must admit it is always nice to find a place where you can relax.
So, um, yeah.
I have found that the counselors who are willing to provide religion free sessions are quick to present themselves and will go a bit out of their way to make sure you understand they are willing.
I wish you lots of luck with this and hope that it helps.
[This message edited by doodley at 9:19 PM, May 21st (Friday)]
Just writing this makes me aghast to realize my own emotions running so.. wherever.. and I eyeball religion.
Regardless of believing in the religion, I think that there is an authority and difference of seeing the world that it's natural to think about or crave. Especially when you were raised to understand the RCC. And when you are raised RCC, the church tends to extend open arms back to you. Which I totally get the allure of that. Even if it would only result in momentary sanctuary from everything you're going through.
I also get the feelings of hypocricy surrounding the urge. And I would just say not to be too harsh on yourself for it. There's nothing wrong with what you're feeling or considering.
And there's nothing wrong with a decision to go or to not go. I think one of the hardest things is to let yourself be where you are when it's exactly where you don't want to be.
I hope you know and can feel that there is a lot of support here for you. And that you can make it through all of this.
BTW, I was raised RCC, too. So if I'm projecting my feelings about it onto you I'm truly sorry. I guess what you said just echoed in me quite a bit....
I've found that strangely a lot of my very religious friends have been quite thoughtfully supportive through all of this. I suppose that's why I really don't have much of a problem with religious people, just religious zealotry.
And I totally get the authoritative support. I am finding that mostly in my IC. Right now it's both exactly what I want and need as well as something that is sort of difficult to take. The unconditional interest in my well being.
It's good, though. And I know I need it. I say get it wherever you healthily can.
It's nice to know other people crave this and need it, too.
Thanks to you, too.