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User Topic: Agnostic/Atheist Support Group
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For those that are personally dealing with this situation.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was a great thread about this a while ago that got lost--and it was helpful to hear from others in this boat.

Fortunately I don't have anyone who is advising me with religious ideas or solutions to this mess--it just isn't helpful to someone who goes to a nature preserve or looks at the stars to get away from my mundane self and get some peace. But I have to say that sometimes it seems as though it would be easier to really believe, to just throw everything into some god's hands, and look forward to an afterlife without any pain or trauma!

I had an experience when my dad died, at the service, the preacher was talking about meeting up with him again in heaven and how nice that would be. My sister had closed her eyes, was smiling and nodding, and looked so comforted, I was jealous. She obviously believes strongly and got solace from that. To me it's so not real to think that that will happen, but sometimes it's cold comfort to think that my memories of him will have to suffice in helping me.

Same way about this infidelity stuff--there is no mysterious reason why this all happened, noone is "not giving me anything I can't handle", it just is because we're all flawed humans and as flawed humans we have to try to help ourselves and our spouses muddle through as best we can--


Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
Deeply Scared
♀ Administrator
Member # 2
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

25...

Here is the original thread...it's now locked, but you all can still read it

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=122437


"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.


Posts: 197202 | Registered: May 2002
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! I'm pressed for time right now but I'm glad to see the thread started.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yay! We're back!


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 7:52 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, mods, for restarting this group.

Every time I hear those with faith speak, I wonder WTF is wrong with me. But then a VA Tech incident occurs and all my feelings are validated.


Posts: 5617 | Registered: Jul 2002
25wimsey
♀ Member
Member # 7816
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, things like the VA Tech thing are awful--no overseer of the human race would allow things like mental illness, bone cancers, etc. etc. to have evolved or to have been created.

Posts: 695 | Registered: Aug 2005
A woman lied to
Member
Member # 13020
Default  Posted: 8:30 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So happy to see this group started.

My Wh and I are atheists.

I agree w/ you, 25wimsey.



Me: BW, 27
Him: WH, 40
1st OW: High school f-buddy, 39
2nd OW: Married, coworker, 46
3 year old son
dday: 12-18-06
found out I was pregnant 12-20-06
Baby Girl born on 8/07
Went thru false R, MC
2nd A started around 10/07
Divorce filed

Posts: 1342 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: nebraska
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Semi-Vent

You know what chaps my hide? When someone with a Christian bent tells me one or more of the following:

Everything happens for a reason.
God doesn't give you more than you can handle.
God gives you trials to make you stronger.
This is all part of His bigger plan.
God wants you to forgive. (and when was the last time you talked to him?).

Maybe it would be easier if I believed in a higher omnipotent power. It would take a lot of the decisions, confusion, etc away.

PS You ever notice that they rarely cite the seventh commandment to a WS?


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
mer1ins
♀ Member
Member # 11607
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was raised in the church and rebelled against as soon as I was on my own. I didn't go back to church until I was in my forties. I probably spent 7 years going through the motions, claiming something I didn't feel and which didn't bring me comfort and then I rebelled again.

I've been reading tons of stuff about religion today and in the past and it sickens me how people have taken a reasonably simple thing and made it into a weapon that suits their needs and then used it to beat others with differing views over the head.

I'm glad this group is here. I hope to find time to post more often than I'm doing now. Sometimes my life just gets totally out of control and that's the case right now.


The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live - Sue Monk Kidd

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)

BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54


Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: FL
TwiceTorn
♂ Member
Member # 13895
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Growing up my parents made us go to church (Presbyterian.)
Went every sunday, was in youth club the whole deal.
It never made sense to me, I would ask questions from the time I was 7 years old because it didn't fit, it was logical. Noah built this boat that fit every animal in it? Man I watched wild kingdom every weekend theres a heck of alot of animals how the heck did he get 2 pairs of all of them on there?! But wait he lived for 950 years, huh how is that possible?! My sunday schools teachers answer "Back then people had a purpose." To which I answered what are we the left overs? It just didn't make any sense. Adam and Eve had 3 boys.. Um ok.. thats kinda an ending, unless there was some kinda incest, thats a dead end. I guess the way I rationalized it as a book, written about stories that were past down from generation to generation, trying to make sense of stuff they couldn't understand. Kinda like playing the came telephone, it starts out as one thing but by the time it gets down to the end of the line, passed person to person, the original message is lost.

So when I was 13 I told my parents I don't believe in the bible, I don't believe in that god they teach or preach. It just doesn't make any sense to me. After all I could watch an episode with Carl Sagan and it made perfect sense, logical. Science made sense, it could be changed as new stuff was discovered, it wasn't written in stone. Evolution makes perfect sense, its testable, verifiable.

Course through out my life If asked about my beliefs I was open about it. Some people thought or said its not to late you can be saved by christ, or etc. Basically trying to ram their beliefs as the only true way to think. I don't get the whole pushing your beliefs/religion onto someone thinking your saving them.

I have come to find my viewpoint on the the religion thing is rather rare. I remeber before I was Married we had to go to a Catholic wedding encounter type thing, basically descussing how to be married. They went around asking all the different couples what religion they were. Well I answered honestly Atheist, that is a real good way to become an outcast in that group, might as well have grown horns. They would pair us up with other couples that weekend to talk. More than once another couple would be asked to switch from talking with us. I was floored, I mean if your that insecure with your religion, and even the thought of talking to someone that doesn't have the same beliefs. You truly have lived a sheltered, shallow life..


You've got to trust your instinct
And let go of regret
You've got to bet on yourself now star
'Cause that's your best bet~311 All mixed up


Posts: 3597 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Minnesota
Still_Lost
♀ Member
Member # 14095
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all,

I'm glad I found this group. I have suffered so much over the last several months and found it difficult to find support.

I'm an atheist and obviously prayer is not going to solve anything. I love my friends and family but they are all so very religious. I needed some comfort and reassurance. I got so tired of hearing the following:

Everything happens for a reason. The Lord has a plan just for you.

God is testing your will and strength.

God will take care of you and your children.

Blah, blah, blah.

I know they mean well and trust that a higher power will come to my rescue. All they can offer me are prayers and more prayers during Sunday mass. Of course, I'm told that my life has not improved because I'm not a believer. Thanks, that's comforting.

I went through so much and I'm trying very hard to move forward. When I feel down and want to talk to someone, I only get "You are in my prayers."

Can I talk to a normal person? Is there a non-magical solution? I'm glad I found this website. At least, there are people who can relate to the A.

Ok, I feel better--a little.

[This message edited by Still_Lost at 8:01 PM, April 20th (Friday)]


Me: BW
Him: Deadbeat XH
Married 10 yrs
D10, D8

Divorced (not by choice)

Working on healing and recovery...


Posts: 144 | Registered: Mar 2007
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 8:28 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Still_lost

I know the feeling. Personally, I prefer the idea that I have control over my own life rather than being some part of a bigger cosmic plan.
I nearly slapped my aunt when she told me that 'everything happens for a reason.'
I cannot quote it verbatim, but one of my favorite shows "Scrubs" had a debate like that going on between ascerbic Dr. Cox and more religious oreinted Nurse Laverne. Cox says something like "So, you mean to tell me that AIDS, cancer, genocide, child molestation, Hugh Jackman, rape, all happen for a reason?" It cracked me up.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
rizzo
♀ Member
Member # 9289
Default  Posted: 7:12 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone!

I was not raised in a home that practiced religion, although I did go to church with my Grandma. I have never been a "believer" though.

My H has recently found God again, so it has been a strange ride for both of us. The stauch atheist and the born again believer. What a combination!

The only time it causes trouble for us is when he brings God into our relationship. I have made it a "God free zone", and while he is free to believe whatever he chooses, he is not allowed to cross that line into our relationship. Or at least I have asked that he not talk about God in that particular context.

Anyway, it's good to know there are others like me out there!


ME: 38 BS, FWS, OW
H: 37 FWS, BS
Married 15 years
D-Day October 6, 2005

Renewed our vows 7/30


Posts: 1194 | Registered: Jan 2006
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Red  Posted: 7:40 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This thread was started so that like minded people could support each other.

It should not to be used to debate or bash other beliefs or the support anyone has received at SI.


Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
7yrsbetrayed
♀ Member
Member # 10198
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Everything that has been posted here has been about someone's PERSONAL EXPERIENCE with being an atheist/agnostic and what we have to deal with from others. If anyone is reading in here and getting offended it's their problem. It's not like we're going into the Support through Prayer thread and bashing people. We're staying in our little world and talking amongst ourselves about OUR experiences. I don't understand the red flag. Unless, a mod has deleted something I did not see?? I thought the whole point of these threads was to provide a safe place for people in similar situations to talk about their experiences. Well, guess what? Being an atheist means that you get hammered on by people who think your lack of belief is wrong. We need to be able to discuss that in a safe place.


Me(44)
Him(46) arthurdent (rSA)
Married 12 yrs, together 15
Renewed Vows 12/19/08
One DD(8)
You can avoid reality but you cannot avoid the consequences of avoiding reality.~Ayn Rand

Posts: 2167 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Colorado
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, April 21st (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that the SI staff just wants to ensure that we use this forum to discuss the struggles that we face with infidelity as 'godless heathens' when we live in a culture where marriage is primarily defined by religious terms as well as recovery, i.e. forgiveness. We should be careful to keep it on our own struggles and not use it bash religious beliefs.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays 2006, and then numerous more
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15318 | Registered: Jun 2006
Hollow Inside
♀ Member
Member # 13123
Default  Posted: 7:56 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Glad to see this group.

I was raised in a VERY strict Catholic household. I never understood the religion. I questioned everything, and never received any sufficient answers. So I became agnostic. And STILL question evrything - I can't help it.

Now, I have everyone in my family telling me I should go talk to a priest. WHY??? First of all, I did not marry in a Catholic church. Secondly, what could a priest possibly know about marriage? Maybe it's just me, but I honestly don't GET IT.

On a side note, OW#2 is a big-time born again Christian. On her MySpace profile, she says that the most important person in her life is Jesus. Again, is it just ME, or is there something seriously wrong with this picture?!

Aaaaarrrggghhhh......


~~Divorcing~~
"Let the games begin...!!"

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Illinois
DaniL
♀ Member
Member # 13073
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Life long atheist, raised in an atheist home. H is also an atheist, raised catholic.
I do understand why religious people suggest talking to a priest, I'm sure some of them are intelligent men with a good deal of insight.
I don't understand why religious people sometimes feel that God is giving us a trial/test to make us stronger. What kind of sadistic being does that?


Me - BS - 33
Him - WS - 38
A - 2004
R - Going well

Posts: 153 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: MASS
answersplease
♂ Member
Member # 12106
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was born and confirmed Lutheran. Married in a Lutheran Church 25 years ago. That's the last time WS and I have been to church. I am now agnostic and agree with a lot of what others have said here. WS was raised and confirmed Catholic and still believes, although she does not attend church...and hasn't in 25 years, unless someone we know gets married or dies. I still wonder why we got married. I still struggle with the "why we even did it" question. I think it was just to ease family pressures to do so, and besides, we had already been living together for 7 years so I think it made us common law married anyway.


me BS/50
her WW/50
liver cancer survivor, transplant successful - 2007
kidney transplant successful - 2009
d-day 9/17/2006
1-son, 19

Posts: 527 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Upper Midwest
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