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Newest Member: Afwife4201 (43167)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Infidelity During an Illness or Chronic Illness
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. I had to stop and think about my health before and after d-day.

I had been battling stomach pains after I had our first child and it did put a dent in our sex life. It wasn't non-existent but it was limited because it would be painful. I was misdiagnosed for 8 years. After he had consumated his relations with the OW I was diagnosed with cysts, fibroids, endometriosis, etc... I had them removed as soon as I found out and our sex life was wonderful again. He was able to do things to her that he couldn't do to me because of my pain.

Ouch.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
beenhurt
♀ Member
Member # 11896
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

letting_go: sounds like you have been able to reclaim that territory!!! AWESOME!!!!

Not being able to do those things relaly is a big deal to the marriage. our sex life was severly hampered by my pain and fatigue and depression for 3 years. I know that had a serious effect on us as a couple. We probably had sex 2 times a month. He didn't have sex with her, but it was certainly on his mind- (sex with other women) because of the sites he was visiting.

KSDE- you're right, only the future will tell.


BW in 2006: My dday august 1 2006, he had a 6 month EA

-- now the WW- his Dday was Nov 6, 2007; I had a 4 week intense EA, mostly on-line


Posts: 1930 | Registered: Aug 2006
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Raising hand...

I've had breast cancer twice. *sigh*

Been there.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

KSA, I didn't struggle with not being good enough. I know I wasn't the wife I had been to him. I believed he deserved her not the sick wife I had become. Unfortunately, I now realize I was too good for him.

Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I fit in this category.

The first OEA was right after a miscarriage and resulting depression.

The second OEA was during my 4 month stint on bedrest, pregnant again.

This is probably the hardest thing about the affair...the timing. My body was betraying me again, I felt i couldn't carry a child safely and then he betrays me yet again, when I needed him the most.

I don't know how to forgive that.


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
I_used_to_smile
♀ Member
Member # 14113
Default  Posted: 2:43 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've had cancer twice since we've been married - thyroid in '96 and breast in '05. After my WH's A was discovered, I found out that he'd begun signing up on cheaters "dating" sites while I was still bald, sick, and going through chemo for the breast cancer.

He didn't have time to drive our daughters to school the day after my mastectomy. It was inconvenient for him, so I had to get out of bed and drive them. Then, during chemo he couldn't be inconvenienced once every 3 weeks to drop me off and pick me up from chemo. I had to drive myself.

He sure found the time, for, and was not inconvenienced by all the stuff in his A's. <insert swearword here> I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him these things.


"Activity and sadness are incompatible."

- Christian Bovee

"It serves me right for putting all my eggs in one bastard."

- Dorothy Parker


Posts: 1373 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: East coast
Clint
♂ Member
Member # 11711
Default  Posted: 3:43 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crohn's Disease for me, and my wife had breast cancer and has been cancer free now for almost 6 years. Stuck to each other like glue during the episodes.

Her affair happened after the medical tsunamis that hit both of us were long over.

What bothered me is the shared remembrance of fighting through some pretty adverse times did nothing to stem the rush towards the betrayal.


Posts: 3430 | Registered: Aug 2006
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Default  Posted: 9:30 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I knew there were more than a few of us here, but I didn't realize how many.

(((Hugs))) to all.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
letting_go
Member
Member # 13774
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 12th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Beenhurt,

I definately reclaimed my territory.

I now understand when my WH told me that the OW allowed him to do whatever he wanted to her. I couldn't even get upset about it. It was a very strange feeling. I now realize that our appetites were strong for each other but I couldn't take it. Geesh. What a messed up realization.

That has definately changed.


"To change and to improve are two different things."
Anonymous. German proverb.

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men." Frederick Douglass (1818-1895)


Posts: 3704 | Registered: Feb 2007
Nouveau
Member
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 2:53 AM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This part I don't get. What does the OP think he/she is getting when the WS leaves their seriously ill spouse for the OP?

The idiocy of this is unfathomable. Someone help me out with this one.


I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Default  Posted: 9:45 PM, April 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our case I think she thought she was "saving" him from a "life of drudgery" ect and so on.

*shrug* I haven't really given it any thought in quite a while. She's pretty much a non-entity to us anymore.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
Skye
Member
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 8:36 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nouveau, I understand your question. It seems to me, though, that the OW is always getting a POS. What kind of person lies, deceives, etc. Whether yor wife is sick or not, it is truly dispicable to be the kind of person who runs their life that way.

My husband's OW told my husband she wanted her son to grow up to be just like husband. Who wants to have a kid become a cheater? Duh!

I do have to say, though, that I doubt my husband told her I was ill. I don't think he was emotionally involved with the girl. Let's face it, if you become an OW, you can't have lots of sense.


Posts: 5584 | Registered: Jul 2002
RiotGrrrl
♀ Member
Member # 9046
Default  Posted: 3:27 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by RiotGrrrl at 6:31 PM, April 19th (Thursday)]


Me: BS (38)
Him: WS (39)
Married: Six years, D Day 11/8/05
Divorce final: Nov 06
Two gorgeous sons: 10 and 8

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: KY
DigDug
♂ Member
Member # 10117
Default  Posted: 3:23 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Hey everyone! It is exactly 10 years now since my liver transplant. Pretty good proof that I am here to stay right?

WW obviously did not think so as of last year.

Anyway, just wanted to share my exhuberance! Its a good day to be alive!

[This message edited by DigDug at 3:30 PM, April 17th (Tuesday)]


~DigDug~

A BS who is divorced after four years of giving it my best.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. ~ Cathy Carlyle


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2006
goodboyinDC
♂ Member
Member # 10377
Default  Posted: 6:24 PM, April 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i am amazed at how amazing all of us are.

we have survived so much worse than infidelity.

not to offend anyone, but I see God's grace and love and work in this thread.

love to us all,
gb


Don't tell God how big your mountains are. Tell the mountains how big God is. Thank you God for everything in my life. I find peace in You.

Posts: 3642 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Washington, DC
answersplease
♂ Member
Member # 12106
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was diagnosed with Hepatocellular Carcinoma (Liver Cancer) in May of last 2006. Large tumor, (9cm) unresectable. I also have Hepatitis C and Cirhosis. This cancer is very aggressive and kills 90% of the people who have it within a year of diagnosis. My only hope is a living donor transplant. I have had 8 very dear friends step forward to test to be a donor for me. All have been rejected. I am running out of time and also feel abandoned in the worst way. It is encouraging to hear comments from people like DigDug, who have survived well after transplant. I have been through 2 rounds of TACE (Transcatheter Arterial Chemoembolization) chemotherapy to attempt to slow the tumor growth and buy me more time to find a donor. Chemotherapy and contrast agents have now caused my kidney's to fail, so I now need a liver/kidney transplant.

WS blames the A on my illness...unbelievable!


me BS/50
her WW/50
liver cancer survivor, transplant successful - 2007
kidney transplant successful - 2009
d-day 9/17/2006
1-son, 19

Posts: 527 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Upper Midwest
DigDug
♂ Member
Member # 10117
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


(((Answersplease))) I PMed you.


~DigDug~

A BS who is divorced after four years of giving it my best.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. ~ Cathy Carlyle


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2006
KSA2
♀ Member
Member # 9474
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Answersplease))) I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.


No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So, what are we, helpless? Puppets? Nah. The big moments are gonna come, you can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.

Posts: 29360 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Mod Dungeon
dontdream
♂ Member
Member # 14303
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW had a 15 month affair while I was depressed and refusing to take antidepressants.

makes me feel like she abandoned me when I needed her to fight for me.

((hugs)) to all of you who went through something similar.


--
BH: almost 36 (me)
ExW: 35
DD: 15y
D-Day 2/10/2007
LTA: 15 months with former boss

Divorced on 9/2/08
Happy with myself - accepting of being single.
working on finding a new beginning.


Posts: 406 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Seattle
DigDug
♂ Member
Member # 10117
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear that dontdream.

The problem I am having, after 13 month out, is how will you ever be able to trust them again. If an illness returns. Are they going to run? Will you ever be able to get rid of this fear that they will, whenever things become difficult?


~DigDug~

A BS who is divorced after four years of giving it my best.

Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch. ~ Cathy Carlyle


Posts: 468 | Registered: Mar 2006
Topic Posts: 128
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