She thinks I should just get over it.
ruby44 I don't understand how they can walk away from their children. stbxh also says that he was unhappy for most of our marriage. But I know this is not true.
While he remembers only the bad things, I remember only the good things.
I asked her if she felt any remorse she said "I cry in the shower"
Now that your W has left, and a good amount of time has passed, how did their relationship end up with their AP?
Are they still together? Married? Do they seem happy? Do they try to be friends with you. Do they ever seem like they realized they did the wrong thing?
I have been D for almost two years and s for 3+. My DDays were 2010, I moved out in Dec. 2010 and left my XW the family home. She moved OM in about six months after. I moved out of town for six months but was able to move back thank God. I have 50/50 joint custody of our 3 kids and so have to continue a relationship with XW.
My last real interaction with XW was in the midst of the crap: the gaslighting, blameshifting, all that. She lied and was as mean as a person can be blaming me and destroying my self esteem. Immediately after I was in survival mode and fairly delirious during our interactions. We eventually settled into a pattern. She is friendly, helpful, and a good coparent and I am luckier than most. But I still suffer from 1) no apology, remorse, or even recognition that some pretty heavy shit went down and she moved her AP into my old bed/house/life, 2) she tries really hard to be friends. My current SO thinks she 'gets' something from me still and something else from OM. I have since put up stronger boundaries to minimize any benefit she may 'get' from a 'relationship' with me.
I still wish there was some justice or apology or 'karma' (there is no karma, guys) but there isn't. I am very healed compared to how I was 3 years ago but I still struggle with the coparenting, overlapping families thing. For example, my girls' big ballet performances are this weekend and XW and OM and his kid are all there and my SO. On the surface it looks like a successful coparenting/divorce, and in many ways it is, but I want to hang a big sign around their necks saying 'they're fooling you' or something.
That's the gist of me, 3 years out, and much, much better each day.
Some of you might have read this, but for those who haven't, please do:
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
I truly believe that articles such as this only perpetuate the false hope for accountability and closure that simply do not often exist. I see these articles as doing more damage than good, in the long run. I appreciate that it is helpful to consider that not all affairs end well, but to suggest that wrongdoing ultimately is resolved is misleading, outdated, and simply obnoxious. Some people can and do 'deal with' or 'internalize' all the repercussions that come from affairs. If you tell yourself something long enough you believe it.
I am sorry if my opinion offends people or bursts anyone's bubble.
Yes there are people out their who just don't care because they are out for what they can get and to hell with everyone else or what they think.
They figure "thats life", all is fair in matters of the heart, follow your heart, read self help books for Children of Divorce and all will be well, the family will have to learn to deal with us, only our opinion matters, can't ignore such a rare connection, we are in love, something keeps bringing us back together.......blah blah.
OW says the issue is ME. I am playing victim and need to stop blaming others for my unhappiness. She says I am codependent.
So...its me. I'm a victim, co-dependent and can't meet his needs.
Voila. They walk off into the sunset together. With a path of destruction in their wake. (They are oblivious to)
Fine. I needed to not be married to someone who was ACTIVELY CHEATING on me, so I filed for divorce (she was quite clear that she was not planning on stopping the affair any time soon). Win/win. We both got our needs met.
D day 3 weeks ago. H having EA with a work colleague which turned PA the MINUTE i tell him to move out (possibly a few days before he left).
He exits our door & enters hers....
To rub salt into the wounds she is very unattractive & butch. I joke that I am twice her age & half her size (my H & I are 43, OW is 30). But I know it's not about the looks & more about his selfish ego being stroked because of his low self esteem.
To think his ex of 6 years cheated on him & his father cheated on his mother for 7 years & he resents the comparison to his father. What a hypocrite.
H turned into a monster literally overnight. He's unrecognizable. I don't know who he is anymore as there is so much weird out of character behaviour (in addition to the affair). I wonder if he even knows who he is? Like most, I was the cause of all his unhappiness & he could recall only bad memories of our 12 year history together! Whatever!
MLC or dark horse - loses his mother who he adores 2 years ago, career change 1 year ago & Harley Davidson 6 mths ago.
Like most I can handle the break up, it's the rejection & betrayal that hurts so much. And me beating myself up for trusting him & questioning my judgement.
Oh & the gutless coward still denies he is having an affair! Why continue to lie now that he has moved out?
I hope the guilt kills him, but who am I kidding, what guilt.
I hope the A fizzles out as quickly as it started & they can both hang their heads in shame at work, wishful thinking maybe.
You think you know someone & they end up being a wolf in sheeps clothing. He loved me so much, or so I thought :(
Can't believe I didn't find this thread before.
My dday was 11/25/12.
I found text messages, he was sending her. He had been treating me with such disdain and disgust for a couple weeks before I found the text messages. The affair started the beginning of August.
He asked me to leave the house when I confronted him, and I did. I was in a state of shock. Found out he was having an affair and wanted me out of the house within one hour.
They got engaged in June. We have not even gone through mediation yet. She's living with him now.
I was devastated by his affair, I had no idea he was cheating. So angry about the lies and deceit. I still don't understand why he chose to kick me aside for his new toy. Doesn't make sense to me and I realize that it will never make sense to me.
I am still angry but not as full of rage as I was. Not to the point of forgiveness and I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive.
Now, I just want to move on, build a life for myself, heal my heart and learn to trust again.
I didnt find this out until a few months ago, 2 years into false R.
I wish he had left for ow#1. It would have ended all this nonsense years ago and would not given me the option of R. Which hasnt been successful.
He really should have told me this fact before moving back home. It does make a difference to me because now, I know I'm just the back up
Its so hard to get beyond the pain of knowing your spouse cares not a whit for the pain they put you through after all the promises they broke.
I've been in here before but not for a while. But I have an update.
My WXW left for OM in Sept 2011. Dday was Jan 2011 and she never broke it off - usual horror story of lies, blameshifting and what felt at the time like outright cruelty, including the hell of in-house S.
So - three years on from dday and what's happening? They are bust. I don't know why and I don't much care. I said right from the start that this would happen and it has.
Thing is, there was a time I really really wanted this to happen, but that time has passed. Don't get me wrong - I am more than happy that scumbag OM is not going to be around my kids anymore as that has not always been peachy, and I still wish him nothing but misery.
BUT - destablising WXW is NOT in my interests and God forbid he comes knocking my door again. Now I also have to wonder who will be next in line - her picker is not good, so I'm not hopeful on that score.
Nevertheless, this one can also go down with the statistics about endless failed As. My view for what its worth is that there is simply too much pressure on these relationships. In my sitch, as many others, two young families were blown apart. Blown apart by a 'relationship' based on fantasy and deceit. Ending that relationship for both means facing the reality that it was all for nothing - guilt and shame perpetuate many of these relationships way beyond their natural lives.
Now I am very clear that I would much rather be in my shoes than hers (or his). I was hurt and damaged beyond what I could have imagined (and it keeps coming) but I didn't create such destruction for nothing - that must feel desperate
But they must 'love' each other. They are still together.
Our kids spend little time there. They see her as some sort of housekeeper rather than a mother.
If this is her bliss, she's welcome to it. I just wish she would let me go. Every 30 days, writing fresh, large checks to her re-opens the wound. And there is nothing to be done about it other than to endure it and get my kids on their way in life.
She's a parasite, nothing more.
How do all of you do his, month after month, year after year and have anything left of yourself, your heart and your soul?
Her: WW/56 Me: BS/62, 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11