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User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, February 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ok have not posted here in awhile ... which is good I guess ...

But tonight after the super bowl was over and I was watching Drew Brees with his son ... and he was crying and then he teared up again when he mentioned him in his speech ...

triggered me onto the roller coaster again ... just WHAM out of the blue and there I was falling into sadness ...

that is all I ever wanted in my life was what was shining in Brees's eyes holding his son ... guess I hopes for wanted to much in my life ....

now I feel like I have to settle for school ... which I am excited for and a little nervous now ... I start in a week ...

but I all ever wanted was to be a mommy and have a man who loved me and my children ... just the simple things ... and seeing him with his son hearing him talk about him with pride and love in his voice ...

just brought it all crashing down that that shall never be for me ... It also hurts so badlt becausse the OW he left me for has 2 small boys of her own from her now broken M ... they are 4 & 6 ... so he has a ready made family ... *sigh*

and it hurts so badly ...

So last week on Thursday I believe stbx called me to talk about taxes and this was during the storm when we had no power for a week ... anyway he caught me off gaurd calling me and I wound up sobbing on the phone when we hung up ...

not what I wanted to do was to have him hear me like that anymore ... UGH !!!!

anyway he called me yesterday morning also to get my new address so he could ssend me my 1/2 and I did not cry that time ...

both conversations were very short and to the point no chit chat ... both calls were less than 10 minutes ... kept strictly to $$$ and dogs ... so that was good ...

anyway just an update on where I am at ...

hope you all are doing well and may you all find the peace and balance your lives deserve ....

have a great Monday !!!!

and YAY SAINTS !!!!!

just thought I would put all the faces at the end this time ... I don't know why ... to be different ...


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18781 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know how hard it can be to see those happy families reminding us of what we were supposed to have (but "what we were supposed to have" and "what we lost" are often two different things, no?).
Understand though, that your son is blessed to have such a strong, stable, and capable mother even in the face of such adversity. The very best thing you can do for him is to frame this in the healthiest way possible and refuse to become a victim by empowering yourself to rise above the adversity.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 7:13 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

serjr I am not really sure if your response was to me or not ???

but if it was we do not have any children ... sorry if it came across in my post that we do ...

I lost my only baby at 12wks in 9-03 ... I was just commenting on the was Drew Brees was with his son and how it feels like with this A and D that all that has been taken away from me ...

all I ever wanted in my life was for a man to feel that deeply about our children and me ... to be that touched that in love to have it show on national tv ...

what a truly wonderful man and father ... just feels like all that is gone and so far out of reach ... completely gone from my future ... and I know I have no idea what the future holds ... but I just don't see that level of happiness anywhere in my future ...

KWIM ???


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18781 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry boo-bear - I misread your post and I noticed in now in your tagline (they don't display when you're typing a post).

I do know exactly what you mean though. Just because things didn't work out with your H doesn't mean that you have to change your dreams... you just have to adjust the details


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 8:23 PM, February 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

is ok serjr ...

and I am moving the direction of changing my dreams and future ... just scary the big unknown ...


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18781 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
SpiritofLife
♀ Member
Member # 25264
Default  Posted: 8:45 PM, February 10th (Wednesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in here.
It is so hard to see my ex ws so happy (or supposedly so happy). We were divorced Dec. 15th due to adultery. Where we live (VA), you need to be separated for 1 yr if you have children, unless you are divorced due to adultery or abandonment. He was so desperate to divorce me he was fine with adultery and gave me sole custody (and his lawyer advised him against it). He was engaged to OW on Dec. 25th and they married Jan. 23. They have a blog where they write about their happy life and it completely drives me crazy. I guess I shouldn't look at the blog, but somehow I can't stop looking. I am glad he is gone, there is less stress in my life in many ways and I am having fun with my son, but I am still very angry. I want to move on, but feel like I'm stuck. I've been reading here a ton and finally decided to start posting.

Posts: 104 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: Virginia
booger bear
♀ Member
Member # 26584
Content  Posted: 9:53 PM, February 19th (Friday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hey all ... soooo school started for me on Tuesday ...

Just all orenitation stuff real school starts this Monday ...

I posted in O/T about my new study nest and I posted in D/S about finally hiring a lawyer ... very scary

anyway no knew news ... they are still together

stbxwh has applied to become a parole officer ... he is done with school for that ... he is going to wait till a position opens up in our home town so he can stay near and with OW

well that is all ...

hugs and all great things to ya'll


I am fiercely independent and I wonít apologize for it. I'd rather be single than settled.

Posts: 18781 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: OK - Hot as hell here !!!!!!
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, February 20th (Saturday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SpiritofLife - the best thing you can do for yourself is to step out of the crazy and put your focus on yourself. It's hard not to sit and wonder what your ex is up to, but you may as well sit in a rocking chair - it'll give you something to do, but you won't get anywhere. Check out the Healing Library and look for the 180 - it's a mechanism for you to start rebuilding yourself independently so that you can move forward to a healthier, more balanced future.

Booger - sounds like you're well on your way!


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
takinit
♀ Member
Member # 27150
Default  Posted: 4:01 PM, February 23rd (Tuesday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OP is STILL married. Hilarious.
Yet they still love each other. I'm just glad I'm not in that mess. I'm taking a seat and watching the entertainment in all of this. Its a comedy. And not a Shakespearean comedy either. More like a badly written cable comedy.


That was the past, this is Act II.

Posts: 109 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: ND
helies
♀ Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to hear from any BS if they are still in contact with WS, how successful was that relationship? Did the former OP have any trust issues knowing the WS cheated and lied to the former BS?

[This message edited by helies at 6:04 PM, March 7th (Sunday)]


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
invictus
♀ Member
Member # 21623
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like watching someone else's life in a really bad movie. Some of the stuff that happens is unbelievably stupid and some is sad... and some is just a relief.

WS left and moved in with OW less than 3 months after D-Day. By that time I had made my mind up that if he wasn't going to put forth any effort at reconciliation I was done anyway, and his move just triggered the avalanche.

Less than 9 months after D Day we were divorced and 10 months later I moved out of state.

It's been a learning process - I found out my family is here for me no matter what, and my kids really DO hold the values we (I) taught them as the standard, not the exception. They consider their father's behavior an unacceptable exception to the concepts of love, fidelity, trust and honor.

I'm no longer sure that even if he had tried to make amends there was too much damage to endure. It was literally a lifetime of deceit, my children's lifetime... and it would be nearly impossible to respect anyone who indulged himself and forsook his family ever again.

When they leave, it hurts. But it's also a relief. It's like a wave, and it hurts when it is crashing down, but a relief when you learn to ride the wave.

Somebody said, "This too, shall pass..."

They're right. It takes time. It is taking time.


♥ One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope. ~Steven Deitz

Posts: 1863 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Texas
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how successful was that relationship? Did the former OP have any trust issues knowing the WS cheated and lied to the former BS?

Sorry to say, they are still together 5 yrs later. I did hear ow is seeing someone on the side, I don't know if she has trust issues or not, but my ex? He doesn't...he thinks no one would ever cheat on him.

I do know that she is very insecure about me...don't know why, but he isn't "allowed" to talk to me, unless she is there. He talks via his work phone, cause she checks his cell phone.


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
helies
♀ Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to say, they are still together 5 yrs later. I did hear ow is seeing someone on the side, I don't know if she has trust issues or not, but my ex? He doesn't...he thinks no one would ever cheat on him.

I do know that she is very insecure about me...don't know why, but he isn't "allowed" to talk to me, unless she is there. He talks via his work phone, cause she checks his cell phone.

I posted more on the general board about my situation, but I was the OP in the BS eyes. In reality, I was told by the WS he was separating. We stopped dating though. Recently, we started dating again, and I found out he lied about the separation to me. It really was a fight between them, he left for a night then went home to get his ducks in a row. They are getting a divorce now though and we have been dating. I just don't know I do this? I feel like a BS already. He lied to me then. Do I continue this relationship as a "BS" and insist on full transparency? Is it healthy to begin a new relationship with doubts on whether you can trust your partner?


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
diditagn
♀ Member
Member # 3433
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all due respect helies, I can't understand why you'd come to an infidelity board in your situation. I just don't understand it. I'm thinking you might want to post on the wayward side.

You are the op.

To answer your question though....go with your gut. Generally speaking if your relationship starts as a lie, chances are it will have the same ending.

Divorce records are public, you can contact the county that he lives in. But if you are already questioning the base of your relationship.....it's going to be a pretty hard start.

My ex told every ow, what he knew they wanted to hear. Why would he move back to "get his ducks in a row" Why couldn't he just have courage and say it's over?

I'd check with one of the mods about where you should post...you aren't a bs or a betrayed SO, you are an OP.

And yes I do believe that some probably about 70% of op were originally lied to.


Happy people don't have the best things, they make the best with what they have.

Posts: 1556 | Registered: Feb 2004 | From: WI
helies
♀ Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 11:21 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

With all due respect helies, I can't understand why you'd come to an infidelity board in your situation. I just don't understand it. I'm thinking you might want to post on the wayward side.

You are the op.

I guess I never felt like an OP, because I was led to believe I was starting a relationship with a separated/on his to divorced man. I only found out the truth when we started dating again and he told me the divorce is in the works and I questioned him about everything. I came here because he did lie to me about his real marital status when we met and now I don't know how to have a relationship with someone that has come clean. I thoght I could find some guidance on how to do this from someone that is honestly trying to work on their marriage/relationship after finding out the truth. If the Mods feel this belongs in another thread, I have no problem with that. I am just not here as an OP as I never knew I was in that situation until now.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
helies
♀ Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 11:26 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex told every ow, what he knew they wanted to hear. Why would he move back to "get his ducks in a row" Why couldn't he just have courage and say it's over?

He needed to get his finances/living arrangements together. Remember, this is what he is telling me now. I do know the divorce is actually happening this time though, I have seen correspondence.


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 11:31 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helies, it does sound like you were lied to when you originally started that relationship. At the same time, this man was cheating on, and lying to his wife. You're the only one who can decide whether you can live with that in your current relationship. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend the entire relationship checking up on this guy, and policing him, to make sure he's not cheating?


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
helies
♀ Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, March 7th (Sunday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helies, it does sound like you were lied to when you originally started that relationship. At the same time, this man was cheating on, and lying to his wife. You're the only one who can decide whether you can live with that in your current relationship. So ask yourself, do you really want to spend the entire relationship checking up on this guy, and policing him, to make sure he's not cheating?

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.

That is where I am confused. It sounds horrible. I thought I could get insight from a BS on how to move on, how to trust again. I love him, and I don't want to just throw this away so hastily.

ps...your signature is one of my favorite quotes!!


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
inconnu
♀ Member
Member # 24518
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Helies, I'm glad you like my quote. It has special significance to me, and is a big part of my new beginning.

Now I'm going to be a little blunt here. I have moved on, and can trust again. But I will never trust my stbxwh again. He has proven himself to be a liar. I was astonished to find out just how much of a liar. And that's just the lies he told me. I have absolutely no idea what he was telling his OW, and that would be multiple OW btw.

Based on my experiences, I want to tell you to run as fast as you can, away from this man. But you haven't had my experiences, and I don't know what your relationship is really like.

So, the basic advice given here at SI is "actions speak louder than words" and "trust your gut."

What this guy does is more important than what he says. At this point, he's already shown that his words don't mean much. So watch what he does. Is he open and transparent? Does he offer information, or does he make you ask questions to get the answers?

Sometimes it is very hard to hear what your gut is telling you, because so much other noise is being thrown at you. Try to separate the other noise out, and really hear what your gut is trying to tell you.


Say what you wanna say and let the words fall out...honestly
I wanna see you be brave

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect


Posts: 12150 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: TX
helies
♀ Member
Member # 27866
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, March 8th (Monday), 2010View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inconnu, thank you for your advice. I have a lot of thinking to do (not that I already haven't been!) The toughest part is knowing he lied to me about our first relationship experience. It was long distance and that is why I cut it off originally. I believed him when he said they were separated and getting a divorce already. But on the flip side, at least this time I know he is telling me the truth about the divorce, and he waited until then to contact me again.

Knowing he lied about that just puts doubts in my head and and it breaking my heart...


Posts: 66 | Registered: Mar 2010
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