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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well I have been 4 weeks separated (he moved out) and after the first week he was back in contact with OW. They discussed their situations. She is getting divorced, and well we are separated. I just cant believe that after 14.5 years of marriage, he is thinking of leaving for HER. It burns me, it consumes me. It is like she has won. How do I handle this, how do I move on? Any suggestions. I DONT want her to be my children's step mother.


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
devastated07
♀ Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I DONT want her to be my children's step mother.
If he's serious about leaving you, get to a lawyer NOW and start putting provisions in place so his (and OW's)contact is controlled and supervised.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

JW - I would make it very clear that he can either commit to the marriage or you will move forward with divorce and I would stick to that strategy. If you make empty threats, set boundaries you have no intention of defending, and only "pretend" to move on he'll continue to take advantage of the situation and manipulate you.

I suspect that he probably wants to have both you and the OW and that the OW is forcing his hand. It could be possible that he just separated to appease the OW. I suggest that you start letting him deal with the real life consequences of what he's doing. Get your lawyer involved. Close him off financially. Cut him off emotionally. Expose the affair. Once he sees that people will not approve of what he's doing and that there will be definite impacts on the quality of his life, then, and possibly only then, he might come around to wanting to work on the marriage. He might try to not make a decision, but in doing so he'll have chosen not you. Keep up with the 180 to rebuild your sense of self.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 9:01 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have given him a deadline. Gave it to him two weeks ago. He and I are sitting down tomorrow alone (if he has not forgotten - although I will remind him) and are discussing this whole thing. SerJR, you are correct, I think that the OP might indeed be forcing his hand. Tomorrow I need to find a way to stay calm but to tell him that he needs to committ to the marriage or leave. I am due to give him half my wages tomorrow as we share expenses, but he is not getting a cent. I have exposed the affair but the two of them dont seem to care.

Devastated07 - depending on the outcome of tomorrow I think I will see my lawyer because I am NOT letting her near my children - in particular my baby.


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, June 25th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hardly am ever on SI anymore, but I want to tell you that this happened to me AND I am ok, way better than ok. You can get there too.

A little more than 2 years ago, my husband of 18 years left me for someone I thought was my best friend. They almost immediately moved in together. Now they have a nice house 1/2 mile away from me.

But I don't spend a lot of time thinking about it anymore. They lost most of thir friends, most of her family (his accepts this). The kids all get along, but my kids will NEVER think of her as their step mom. They are cordial to her face, but call her 'the weed' behind her back.

I think my ex is a complete ass and she is vile. I wrote that so you would know, it is NOT one of these situations where we are 'all friends' again.

What I do want you to hear is-
My life is good. They do not consume me anymore. I am closer to my kids than ever. I am finding new friends. I have found that I LOVE hanging out w/ my family (sibs,in-laws, mom). My world has gotten so much bigger and better and I would NEVER want to switch places w/ her, never.

PS-probably not what you want to hear right now, but I hope if you need it someday, it does.

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 9:08 AM, June 25th (Thursday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
tanyaread
♀ Member
Member # 20635
Default  Posted: 4:42 AM, June 26th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find it hard. Do these things work? My STBXH left me for 'It' (OP). He has been a serial cheater all his life. I was naive to think that I would be 'different' just because I was the one who managed to marry him (and thank god I did cause he has to pay financially and can't just walk away).

What are the statistics? They have been together for a year, 8 months really if you count WH's 'transition' period from poor, downtrodden me to 'It'. AND they are already about to be parents together? People, please tell me this is a recipe for disaster.

I don't want a karma bus, I want a karma torpedo.


Me (BS): 30
WH: 44
OW: 35
Married: 1 year
D/d: 4 July 2008
Status: Divorcing

Posts: 58 | Registered: Aug 2008
rivergirl81
♀ Member
Member # 22899
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tiger....your words are very comforting. I spend a good portion of each day trying to make sense of what has happened to our family.
WS would not sign separation papers until he saw it in writing that I would not get him for adultery/desertion. He looked me dead in the eye and promised that he was moving in with his sister. As far as I can tell, he has spent every night with OW. DD20 happened to ride by her house, not realizing that was where she lived, and saw all of her dad's vehicles parked there.
Stranger still...she is a bulimic/anorexic who has been hospitalized numerous times. He says she needs him. ??? He has lost 80 pounds in the past year, in an attempt to keep her company, I guess.

Two disturbed people thinking they are going to help each other? Please...


BW (me) = 51
WH (him)= 52
together 22 years
2 children - 21, 17
D-Day = February 3, 2009
His mid-life crisis turned him into a needy, pathetic stranger
Divorced 12/09

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: the South
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two disturbed people thinking they are going to help each other?

It's very common River. When someone's having difficulty dealing effectively with their own life, they can relieve their insecurities by attaching themselves to those who are worse off. They feel better in relation to them which temporarily strokes their ego. A lot of it has to do with him viewing himself as a knight-in-shining-armour (KISA) wherein he feels that he is a hero who is idolised and adored. It is definitely not a very solid structure to be building a foundation on.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
rivergirl81
♀ Member
Member # 22899
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

SerJR - you are so wise. Intellectually, I know that she makes him feel wonderful. He is definitely her "KISA." And not to jest at the seriousness of anorexia....I guess their weekly grocery bill is very small!
What I just can't get is why he thinks his children don't need him....why he has to lie to them repeatedly about where he is and who he's with.
Forget what he's done to me. How can you do your own children that way? Jackass.


BW (me) = 51
WH (him)= 52
together 22 years
2 children - 21, 17
D-Day = February 3, 2009
His mid-life crisis turned him into a needy, pathetic stranger
Divorced 12/09

Posts: 116 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: the South
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, June 29th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's lying to the children to protect himself. He can't very well be the noble knight if his actions betray the opinion he wants to have of himself. As for him not being there for the children... in his mind they're already there... there's no 'extra' validation perceived by investing more

Be a good mother to those children. Demonstrate for them that, although change does happen, we possess the capacity to rise above it.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
AlwaysSomething
♀ Member
Member # 24421
Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 8th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Be a good mother to those children. Demonstrate for them that, although change does happen, we possess the capacity to rise above it

I too am trying to rise above it. Just hard to do with the OW is going to be living in the same house. Well, actually, STBXH is moving in with her. Even showed the kids the empty bedrooms for them. And STBXH has been gone for 3 weeks. Glorious.

Ugh.

Rise above. Kids are #1!!


alwayssomething seems to leave out words when types. Personal pronouns are something doesn't need...

Posts: 701 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Eastside of Lake Washington
Jasmine
♀ Member
Member # 16946
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, July 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read each and every one of these threads today, and now here I am joining the thread. I would have thought I would have been one of the ones who made it and triumphed over OW, but unfortunately, thats not how my story ended.

xWS affair started in 2003, first d-day was in 2004. I divorced him in 2005 and went through several (false) reconcilations, about four times too many.

xWS was kicked out on May 15, 2009, married his OW on in a quickie courthouse wedding on June 25, 2009 = Michael Jacksons death date.

I just thought of something discussed earlier in the thread, why do they leave us for the OP?

My opinion the OW is always the "back-up" plan for our WS. If BS kicks him out, If BS finds out again, WS knows he/she has a place to stay... a cushy pillow to land on, so a WS will keep his/her OW on the hook as their own (selfish) safety net, in case the marriage goes bankrupt.

I hate you xWS. Please get hit by a train soon. kthxbai

[This message edited by Jasmine at 11:24 PM, July 14th (Tuesday)]


The trick you said, was never play the game too long...

Posts: 2154 | Registered: Nov 2007
cantbreathe09
♂ Member
Member # 24600
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, July 14th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW and I were separated for 4 months after I found out about her 4 month EA and 1 month PA. I thought the fog had lifted and she said she wanted to work on our marriage and she said the kids and I meant the world to her and that she loves us. Little to say less than two weeks into a false R, she broke NC and started texting OM again. After I told her I knew about the broken NC, I told her if she keeps him in her life there can and will never be an us. Now she has left again and will not reply or answer to my text, phone calls, e-mails, and most of it is about the kids(6&4) which have been with me the whole time. Plus we were supposed to be moving and there is a lot of things that her mom and grandmother gave her and I ask if she is still moving with us and should I take and have everything moved, again no reply. I know I should be doing a 180, but she is doing it to me, the BS spouse. My question is how should I go about this, I want her to still move with us and try reconciling again, plus she has told our kids that after 4 months of her being gone that she was coming home and moving with us. Now they wonder where their mommy is. She broke NC and I told her she must have absolute NC or it will never work between us and now she is pissed at me!!
So, I believe she chose OM, still texting and calling him, but not talking to me or our kids. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated.


Cry now...smile later.

Posts: 66 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Holloman AFB, NM
taintedzodiac
♂ Member
Member # 24726
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, I believe she chose OM, still texting and calling him, but not talking to me or our kids. Any words of wisdom would be most appreciated.

If she wants to ignore you, she will. Don't let it eat at you because what you want (what's best for your kids) is not what she wants at this poing. Stick to your guns, she broke the rules you set in place and now all you can do is keep yourself and your kids as your focus.

Here's hoping for the best, no matter what it really is.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
scorpio1
♀ Member
Member # 6445
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, July 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH moved to another state with the OW going on two years. You should have seen son chasing after his car as he was driving away. The kids refused to speak to him for five months. During that time, he was miserable and screaming at OW's kids so much that they were afraid of him.

OW latched on to another man and WH was left to piece the information together. He soon left and started living on his own. The kids started speaking to him again, but it's never the same. He comes to visit the kids every three months but they miss out on having a father.

Of course, it hurts them that he didn't love them enough either and moved away. That is something he will have to deal with.

But I wanted to tell you that life goes on. When he left, I was happy to have the chaos gone from my life. I started back to school and will be graduating next semester. Meanwhile, he always blamed us for his not being able to attend school. Which is not the case. But when he finally started school, he was absent too much because of his sickness. He was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and still suffers a lot.

Just move on with your life and find your own happiness. Because no one has a perfect relationship. When WH moved, I said on the board that sometimes when you lose, you win. I won my freedom. What did OW win? A man who is a cheater, a liar, etc. I don't think that's a nice prize.


If a situation requires a lie, you are standing on the wrong side of the issue.
Me-BS 41 years old
STBXWH-37 years old
3 kids D-18; S-15; D-5

Posts: 1891 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: South Florida
taintedzodiac
♂ Member
Member # 24726
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion the OW is always the "back-up" plan for our WS. If BS kicks him out, If BS finds out again, WS knows he/she has a place to stay... a cushy pillow to land on, so a WS will keep his/her OW on the hook as their own (selfish) safety net, in case the marriage goes bankrupt.

This has inspired me. I've been considering trying to contact my WW (breaking the 180 I've been trying to uphold) but this reminded me that she has to lose what she feels for the OM before I can ever hope for R. Instead I'm going to have to remind myself that I should be moving on without her and planning my life on my own.


Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: PA
wannabenormal
♀ Member
Member # 19772
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, July 22nd (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My opinion the OW is always the "back-up" plan for our WS. If BS kicks him out, If BS finds out again, WS knows he/she has a place to stay... a cushy pillow to land on, so a WS will keep his/her OW on the hook as their own (selfish) safety net, in case the marriage goes bankrupt.

This was the case in my situation...but I think added to that was XH was never remorseful. Leaving for OW was EASIER than staying to fix what was broken.

That's fine. They are 'happy' for now anyway. It was worth it to XH to leave, you know?

I don't think it'll last. Do I care if it does? Not anymore. Maybe they'll get married, maybe not, but I think however it ends up...it's not going to be a true happily ever after. So good luck with that.

And you know what, maybe she does become their step-mom, there's not a whole lot you can do about it. I don't know, my kids are making up their own minds about OW...and how Dad is when she's around, so all I can do is be MY best for them when they're with me (most of the time).

You do get to a point where you won't sweat it so much, like I haven't 'accepted' it and am okay, but I'm accepting enough that I don't worry about it so much anymore. I will never be this woman's (loose term) friend or anything, but I may as well 'accept' what I can't control.



Posts: 14310 | Registered: Jun 2008
devistatedmom
♀ Member
Member # 24961
Default  Posted: 7:51 PM, September 5th (Saturday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that's the hardest part...thinking of my kids meeting her, and coming home, saying Daddy has a girlfriend, we like her! I will so want to tell the kids that she is the slut that broke up our family....daddy move out on us to be with her, and all those nights you called to say goodnight and he didn't answer were because he was in bed with her....

I know I can't say these things. But the thought that my children might actually end up liking the witch just turns my stomach.


BS(me) 46, Two wonderful teens.
He is no longer my best friend. Repeat until it sticks.

WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.


Posts: 5359 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Canada
JW123
♀ Member
Member # 21265
Default  Posted: 5:48 AM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it is now official. I caught them together He says he loves her, she loves him. They plan on being together. Interestingly enough he has never been to a lawyer. I have now been to one. I have the papers. It just seems that I am now handing him over to OW. Please help me........I feel so overwhelmed. She has won. I am the loser. Why was I not good enough?


Him (WS)43
Me (BS) 43
3 beautiful children
D -Day 13 October 2008
He moved out - 1st June 2009.
Divorced - 29/11/2011
He lives with OP now
Married 15 years. Known him 21 years
(Although I suspected, denial is quite a thing)

Posts: 488 | Registered: Oct 2008
goingkookoo
♀ Member
Member # 25488
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, September 16th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry - I sent you a PM before I read this.

I am overwhelmed with sympathy for you and your situation. I don't get them. How do they just change overnight?

There aren't words that can even explain it and I am just so sorry. I keep holding on to it's ain't over till it's over but these stories of being left for the OW/OM certainly don't help....


Me (39)
WS (44)
Married 11 years
4 amazing children
D-Day's- Too many
8/2010 - Filed for D

Posts: 226 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Florida
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