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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I honestly think he does think he can avoid it until it all "blows over". He actually said to me the other day that he can't wait until I "get over this", so we can talk like normal.

I know this is what mine is waiting for and he just doesn't understand why that time hasn't come yet....it's been well over a year, why won't she at least talk to me??


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 8:27 AM, April 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He actually said to me the other day that he can't wait until I "get over this", so we can talk like normal.

"Get over this" translates to a combination of "none of this is my fault" and "I should still be the most important thing in your life".


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 11:12 AM, April 20th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yuk, I just got my son's soccer schedule and he plays OW's son 4 times! Help, I SO do not want to have to see her. I think that my strategy will be to say nothing, but not avoid eye contact. I hope she is very uncomfortable. I don't understand how she can live w/ herself. I also will try to have some of my famly come for support.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
2trusting101
♀ Member
Member # 16353
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It amazes me how the same crap comes out the Ws mouths. I got the "need my space", "Can't stand looking at the pain I've caused you", "You'll never be able to forgive me for what I've done", blah, blah, blah. I often wonder if they read books to know what to say if they get caught or is it just a common thought process of people who cheat.


Me (BS):46
Him(x-fiance):47
DDay #1: 08/11/2007

Posts: 84 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: MD
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post. Oops

[This message edited by SerJR at 7:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

They just borrow a line out of the Fictionary.

Cliches are often used to sound like you're making a valid point and readily accepted by people who have difficulty thinking for themselves. Most often, if you keep asking them "What do you mean by that?" you'll end up with a blank stare.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
sinkingship
♂ Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 8:51 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2trusting101:

When a WS says:

"You'll never be able to forgive me for what I've done",

The appropriate response is:

"That's my call and you never asked for forgiveness. So you are a self serving, unremorseful, low life with very little character. How I ever missed all that when I said, I do, is my problem."


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I finally realized this is where I belong.

The rejection and replacement burden has been huge for me... and denial is a wonderfully insulating thing! My H of 21 years has been living with OW for 18 months... some of it covertly. Last month H's mom purchased a home with the OW so the two love birds would have a place to live. This went over well with our two teen boys (grandma did what?). I loved this man so much. Depended upon him, followed him around the world in support of his career... yada yada yada...
and it ended with the "I love you, I am not in love with you"... "I know what I feel"... "I do not want to bring you pain" (as he keeps doing what he does with OW)... on and on.

It is such a disease of the head.. .and I do believe it is both heads! In my sitch, the OW seems to really dote on my H... but, H is her 3rd married fella in a row. I am putting bets on the table now, that after our d is final, she will bail on my (then) XH.

Oh.. and our boys.. teens 17 and 18 now... meh. They do not want to see their dad. But eldest is "kissing up" in hopes that dad will help pay for college. Seems to be doing a mind trip on our eldest.. he hangs up the phone and wishes his father dead. It really is awful.. this rejection and replacement stuff.

FINALLY, I am to a place where I recognize that I am better off without such a diseased soul. So, as much as I am not keen on divorce, it begins next week.

Sad... all of this.


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
sss456
♀ Member
Member # 19222
Question  Posted: 4:27 PM, April 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my WS told me he'll stop by on fridays to give me his check, and he'll continue to maintain the house. also, divorce is my choice or not, because of his insurance. i can see him doing this. it's only been a week, but i think i'm relieved he's gone, and i think i think i'm happy he found someone


I have nothing to lose but my mind, and everything I always wanted. Breaking Benjamin

Posts: 222 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: maryland
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:42 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cliches are often used to sound like you're making a valid point and readily accepted by people who have difficulty thinking for themselves. Most often, if you keep asking them "What do you mean by that?" you'll end up with a blank stare.

AMEN!!!
And a godd thing to remember not only for our WS, but all the thoughtless people around us who use those empty formulas because they don't really know what to say.

[This message edited by burnt_toast at 6:43 AM, April 29th (Tuesday)]


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone of you guys on good terms w/ your X? We are completely cordial, but haven't had a meaningful conversation in well over 6 mos, not even about the kids. I have just found him so unlikeable since I have seen him in a different, lying, cowardly way. Not sure what, if anything to do about this.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
luv2swim
♀ Member
Member # 13154
Default  Posted: 11:32 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has been out of the house for 18 months. Meaningful conversation is nearly impossible. But that was true the moment he feel for OW. I assume it is a mind gone sour (mine and his!)
I also think depression is involved. His midlife whatever. Then the trauma of being rejected replaced in me. Truly, I never saw this coming from this man.


Me: BS
Him: NPD WS
Married 24 years
incredible kids
D day: 2006 ... he left to live with OW.
Divorced: 2009
WS + OW: Married 2011

Posts: 350 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: US
devastated07
♀ Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone of you guys on good terms w/ your X?

We are cordial but only speak very briefly at each encounter and only about our daughter. We are not friends.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 12:00 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see any friendly feelings for my WW in my future.

She is a remorseless ass who has hurt me terribly and continues to do so.

We have 50/50 custody but she wants to pick up DD from school every day because she is worried DD grades will slip when I pick her up!

I told WW, listen, I have a doctorate degree, I think I can handle fourth grade!

What an ass! I cannot stand the sight of her. She acts hurt when I don't make eye contact or be nice to her. Really? Tough.


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
Beautiful
♀ Member
Member # 4723
Default  Posted: 12:08 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I barely speak to my ex. After he left and before the D was final, I gave him the scenario of how it was going to be. I told him, "I'll be cordial. I will never accept what he has done to me and our family. We will speak only when necessary and only about kids. We will spend the rest of our kid's childhoods doing parking lot transfers and determining visitation. As for your girlfriend, she is not welcome ANYWHERE where I am. I didn't ask her to interfere in my life, my marriage and my family. She had no business getting involved where she doesn't belong. She is not welcome - ever."

ex exclaimed, 'WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?!'.

I answered, "Because that's what divorced people do. I don't want to be divorced, but since I had no choice in the matter, this is how it's going to be. We will NOT be the happy divorced couple."

I am not his friend and I sure as heck am not speaking to his girlfriend - I refuse to acknowledge her presence - ever. He's lucky I speak to him at all.

and luv2swim, I hear you. I NEVER expected this from my husband...

Yanno, another reason is this - If it were ME that did what he did, I can guarantee that he would NEVER speak to me again. He would've thrown my posessions on the front lawn, locked the doors and moved to another state, making my life miserable.

He's damn lucky I am a such a nice person.

[This message edited by Beautiful at 12:18 PM, April 29th (Tuesday)]





Posts: 1256 | Registered: Jun 2004 | From: from the land of steady habits
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 6:20 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone of you guys on good terms w/ your X?

Considering the way he kicked me in the face while I was down because of his betrayal, friendship or even contact, unless strictly necessary, is out of the question.


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OK, that helps. I am dfeeling much better about just being cordial. Thanks.


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
980003
♀ Member
Member # 18884
Default  Posted: 7:31 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I barely speak to my ex. After he left and before the D was final, I gave him the scenario of how it was going to be. I told him, "I'll be cordial. I will never accept what he has done to me and our family. We will speak only when necessary and only about kids. We will spend the rest of our kid's childhoods doing parking lot transfers and determining visitation. As for your girlfriend, she is not welcome ANYWHERE where I am. I didn't ask her to interfere in my life, my marriage and my family. She had no business getting involved where she doesn't belong. She is not welcome - ever."
ex exclaimed, 'WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE THIS WAY?!?!'.

I answered, "Because that's what divorced people do. I don't want to be divorced, but since I had no choice in the matter, this is how it's going to be. We will NOT be the happy divorced couple."

I am not his friend and I sure as heck am not speaking to his girlfriend - I refuse to acknowledge her presence - ever. He's lucky I speak to him at all.

I basically had the same conversation with my STBXH a few weeks ago.

He thought he'd do this, I'd "get over it", and then we'd be best friends or something. After all, he wants to "be there for me, in case I need to talk".

He didn't understand that from here on out birthdays & holidays will be separate events for us. My time with the kids, and his time. He honestly thought he'd still come to their birthday parties and for Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc (including at MY family's get togethers!!). Uhhhhhh, I don't think so???!

I told him that his "current girl" is NEVER welcome at ANY thing that I host and it wouldn't be very fair to make her sit in the car while he goes inside.

He really, truly does not get it. At all.


BS (me) - 30
WS - 29
Married almost 11 years, together over 13
3 children
D Day - 3/14/08 PA
Separated - 3/22/08

Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Oklahoma
SecondChance
♀ Member
Member # 18366
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, April 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just read a bunch of the postings here, and it's amazing how many XW spouses act the same. Before we got D, my XH actually thought we would be great friends forever and he would be my wing-man. Isn't that an insane idea!!

He just finally got the hint to not discuss anything with me that doesn't pertain to the kids. But of course he didn't get a clue until my therapist talked to his and she in turn talked to him. Thank god he at least listens to his therapist and does what she tells him to do.

They are so stupid!! Sure, go ahead and stab me about 100 times in the heart, stomp all over me, and leave me for the OW. We can still be best buddies!

I keep telling myself that kharma exists and all of our XS will get what is coming to them sooner or later.


Me: BS 32 (now 40)
Him: WS 34 (now 41)
OW: was M & worked w/ my WH. Now OW and XH are living out their fantasy. Good luck with that!
M: 10 yrs, together 14 yrs
2 sons: Now 12 and 13
D-Day: 9/8/06, failed NC, false R
Divorced: 1/3/08

Posts: 245 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Northeast
hesgone
Member
Member # 12619
Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, May 1st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what's wrong with me. After all he's done to me and continues to do, I still feel happy after I talk to him, and I'm more depressed than ever if I don't talk to him for a while. Maybe this is related to the fact that I can't seem to reach the anger stage. Maybe it's because he was my best friend for so long, and I don't have any other friends. I guess I'm just lousy at being separated (and forget the 180).

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