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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
devastated07
♀ Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, March 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone on here have a WS leave you and tell you that you did NOTHING wrong?

Don't overanalyze this. This person was taken out of your life for a reason and one day that answer will be revealed to you. Someday.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
10/04
♀ Member
Member # 16505
Concerned  Posted: 8:18 PM, March 7th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes-he still says that I didn't do anything wrong---but he married her anyway. It is so hard to understand

Posts: 124 | Registered: Oct 2007
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

amireallyhere - 5 months is not alot of time to heal from such devastation, however you sound like a strong woman. People told me that "the pain will eventually subside" and they were right, but that did nothing for the excrutiating pain I was feeling then (which you are feeling now). I dealt with it the best I could, and if I had to do anything different, I would have had my friends come and stay with me. I hated being alone. Yes, I had the kids but they can't console mommy. I had to console them, when I felt used up and empty inside. However, my shrink, my friends and anti-depressants got me through it.

And yeah, my XWH said I did nothing wrong, it was all his fault, he never meant to hurt me or the kids (yet continues to by living with her and never seeing his kids). He's even cried in front of me about it, which just irritates the shit out of me now.


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
sinkingship
♂ Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, March 28th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by sinkingship at 9:03 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
sinkingship
♂ Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did anyone's WS not 'fess up to having an A after being asked, but ask for a divorce before leaving the house?

While she was asking for the A I was feeling so guilty about what I'd done to make her want to leave, not knowing what was happening.

Anyone have a similar experience?


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
hesgone
Member
Member # 12619
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

aokmom, my husband's crying also irritated me. It was like he was feeling so sorry for himself without realizing the effect his actions had on me and the kids. He wasn't sorry enough to take responsibility and try to fix things. It was like he felt like the whole thing was something that happened to him and was out of his control! So what did he do? Continue to hurt everyone without ever owning up to the fact that he was still making the decision to do so. Every day he's gone he makes that decision again.


Posts: 626 | Registered: Nov 2006
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hesgone - you make a very valid point there:

The unremorseful WS's that leave are not willing to do the difficult work of self-examination. It is easier and more comforting for them to shift the responsibility for their actions onto everything under the sun.

That being said - the choice was still theirs that they made and they have to convince themselves that they were justified and they know this. Since they are unwilling to admit their mistake they will continue into a cycle of making self destructive choices in effort to prove they were right. Each poor decision they make will propogate the cycle even further - they've committed themselves to a downward spiral and are too proud to escape it.

[This message edited by SerJR at 11:37 AM, March 29th (Saturday)]


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17093 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
aokmom
♀ Member
Member # 18610
Default  Posted: 4:07 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Amen hesgone! My XWH always projects this "poor me" bullshit demeanor whenever I see him...like he couldn't help it either. I have learned that people like him do nothing but project because it keeps them from examining themselves and what is really going on inside. So that helped me separate myself from being so attached to him...it was part of my problem, too. I grew up the responsible child and therefore subconsciously wanted to "mother" someone. He and I were a perfect fit...until his demons caught up to him.
I could still get him to cry to this day if I really wanted to because I have grown...he has not. He is still stuck in the same position, only now with someone who has more mental problems than anyone I know. Oh well. His downward spiral in in full force and effect!

[This message edited by aokmom at 4:10 AM, March 30th (Sunday)]


Me (BS): 39
WH: 39
Married: 14 years
Two beautiful kids: S-10, D-7
D-Day: 5/9/06
Divorce final: 1/18/08

Posts: 137 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: CA
brokenandlost
♀ Member
Member # 18148
Default  Posted: 6:25 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH packed his things Friday morning telling me he needs to be 100% committed to me like I am to him and until he sorts his feelings out for her...he cannot do that...
SO he MOVES IN WITH HER??? He can't afford an apartment and his mom doesn't have the room. I'm am broken and lost...what do I do now? I can't sleep, think, eat or be strong for my girls...how long will it take him to make his CHoICE...this is not HIGH SCHOOL..we're supposed to be adults here>!

Posts: 175 | Registered: Feb 2008
downunder
♀ Member
Member # 16631
Default  Posted: 7:09 AM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the 'this is really hard for me' - like moving in with OW and abandoning his 4 children was totally beyond his control.




Posts: 609 | Registered: Oct 2007
roadlesstraveled
♀ Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got the 'this is really hard for me' - like moving in with OW and abandoning his 4 children was totally beyond his control.

Yeah, I heard versions of this too...mostly in the form of: "sorry that things turned out this way"...as if he had NO control over his actions/decisions. He never took responsibility and owned up to anything!!

It's interesting that many of you mention the "downward spiral" because my xh uses these exact same words to describe his life. When he got a DUI a couple of months ago, he actually emailed me about it and said, "the downward spiral continues"....it's still all about him though. His unhappiness, his mistakes, etc. etc...it was never about ME or US.

I've reached a point where I don't care half as much as I used to. It's almost as if a burden has been lifted- he is no longer my responsiblity and I don't have to stand around and watch the train wreck that is his life.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
sinkingship
♂ Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 1:24 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am still curious as to how many BSs went into a separation not knowing their XWW/XWH was in the midst of an A?

Did that make you feel guilty when they asked for the separation and you didn't understand that an A was behind the request?


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
CAguy-inAZ
♂ Member
Member # 18210
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out that the OM is pretty much living at my house now. I moved out to be nice because she thought that space would make her miss me.

Now that shitbag of a man is fucking my wife in my bed while my daughter sleeps in her room! Stupid woman! She has no idea that I know, thanks to PI got irrefutable evidence. Stupid whore . . . sorry I am a little angry right now.


Divorced on 1/9/09
me BS 30
ex WW 30
three year old daughter

Posts: 121 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: AZ
steelcity1
♂ Member
Member # 17437
Default  Posted: 8:54 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Divorce final as of tomorrow.

WW is now with her OM, sort of. It is a total fantasy relationship, that has been going on as an ea/pa for 1.5 years.

He is the big boss at her work, they are still keeping it hush/hush, its all about the sex for him. It will end soon. They have been on maybe two real dates.

Most of the time (based on a good source) she goes over there, gets drunk and screws. Hmmmm. Does not sound like a good start? Whatever!

I am getting on with my life. I have met so many women that value me and are fun to be with! It still hurts a little, like when you recover from a broken bone, but soon my "fracture" will be healed and I will be happily on my way in my journey!


DDay: 09/30/2007
Me: BH: 43
WW: 46
One child: age 10

Divorced: March 18, 2008.

I recommend all BS get a "Livestrong" bracelet and wear it; its helped me tremendously!


Posts: 299 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: South Florida
burnt_toast
♀ Member
Member # 16891
Default  Posted: 9:20 PM, March 31st (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sinkingship... raising my hand.

I need space, not sure anymore, am depressed, blah, blah, blah

But my body gave me the hint I needed after only 2 weeks. The rest is history.

Thanks Ser for posting about the downward spiral. You know the matter touches me these days.

I hope I can reach the place where you stand, Roadlessraveled. After 6 months, somedays I am there, some days I am still sinking over his stupidity.

My worst nightmare right now would be seeing him come to me to cry on my shoulder. Bleeeetch. Thank god for NC.


It is what it is.

Posts: 4699 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Quelque part
devastated07
♀ Member
Member # 14288
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH packed his things Friday morning telling me he needs to be 100% committed to me like I am to him and until he sorts his feelings out for her...he cannot do that...
SO he MOVES IN WITH HER???

"Sorts out his feelings" means that he wants to date her to see if it works out with her. Don't buy into his bull. Please think of yourself and take action.


You will survive this. It is not a matter of if, but when.

Posts: 5752 | Registered: Apr 2007
mariusa
♀ Member
Member # 13541
Default  Posted: 4:24 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just reread this entire thead. It really sucks!!
I feel everyones pain and know it well. The betrayal, rejection and dispicable treatment by the WS's. I always say it will never cease to amaze me what they were/are capable of and have become.

Somewhere on this site someone posted that adultery takes up two of the ten commandments. That stuck in my head.
Why is that? Murder didn't get that much attention!

I am very close to a settlment with my POS STBXH. He is "giving" me a lot mainly because of his guilt. That is the extent of his admitting any wrong-doing. It's always all about money with him.
My chldren and I will be the ones living with these scars....I know they run very deep.

I truely beleive that once the WS, some of them anyway, leave they really don't look back. They morph into the new life they have created whether it's good or bad. Our life together is a distant memory that they have accepted is gone.
I think the a lot of the unremorseful ones may never realize the damage they have caused because they completely compartmentalized it away. It's history...they truly live in the now.
That's what I see with my POS. I don't think he ever thinks of what he's done and I also think he thinks I will forgive and forget in time too. Water under the bridge and all.

I hope there is some sense to this sometime, somewhere. It is way too much pain to inflict and no consequenses to face? Oh sure, life isn't a bowl of cherries for him now. But it doesn't compare to what he/they did to two families.

I'm not religious, maybe a little spiritual, but I hope someone is watching!!!

[This message edited by mariusa at 4:25 PM, April 2nd (Wednesday)]


BS(me)45 now 48, WH (POS)45 now 48
M 24trs, DD14, DS15
POS OW - then 24, now doesn't matter
D-day 1/2/07, Divorced 11/13/08
ôLive without pretending, Love without depending, Listen without defending, Speak without offending."

Posts: 2058 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: NY
sinkingship
♂ Member
Member # 18787
Default  Posted: 11:16 AM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mariusa:

"I think the a lot of the unremorseful ones may never realize the damage they have caused because they completely compartmentalized it away."

I think the unremorseful run away WSs are the most emotionally immature, self involved, conflict avoiders.

The damage they cause is not even a thought, because only their personal version of happiness counts for anything.

Only someone who is emotionally shallow enough to blame all the unhappiness in a particular marriage on the BS, and believe they have no responsibility to work to fix a marriage could run out on a spouse.

Damage! They couldn't imagine damage to anyone else or promises to anyone else count for anything, unless it meant damage to their personal little world.


Posts: 54 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: wash, d.c.
tigerlilly
♀ Member
Member # 18913
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are certainly times that are still hard, but today was not one of them. My STBX came by to pick up my son for baseball. And there he was, this 42 yo man still wearing his hair in a pony tail, (He weras it down for her b/c she thinks it really cool). with his pitiful excuses as to why he was too busy to forward me baseball practice info and I just Laughed out loud, right in front of him. He just looks like such a loser to me now. Don't get me wrong. I was devestated when he left and wanted more than anything to save my marriage, BUT I fell in love / him when I was 20yo. He was everything I needed at 20. Now, emotionally he is still 20 and I am so happy that he is no longer in my life like that. I realize how much of my married life (17years) was spent pleasing him. It will be interesting to see how these 2 adolescents will do in the long run, but he is NO LONGER MY PROBLEM. And that feels great!

PS My STBX gave me the "sort out his feelings" crap too. What he really meant was, "I'm going to see if I can talk her into leaving her spouse, too and then I'll get back to you."

[This message edited by tigerlilly at 1:11 PM, April 5th (Saturday)]


M -18 yrs. S16 S13
DDay 12/18/06, divorced.
OW (former) friend and neighbor
"The problem is not moving mountains, but digging the ground that you're on." Jakob Dylan

Posts: 358 | Registered: Mar 2008
980003
♀ Member
Member # 18884
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mariusa, this hit the nail on the head with my STBX:

"I truely beleive that once the WS, some of them anyway, leave they really don't look back. They morph into the new life they have created whether it's good or bad. Our life together is a distant memory that they have accepted is gone.
I think the a lot of the unremorseful ones may never realize the damage they have caused because they completely compartmentalized it away. It's history...they truly live in the now.
That's what I see with my POS. I don't think he ever thinks of what he's done and I also think he thinks I will forgive and forget in time too. Water under the bridge and all."

I honestly think he does think he can avoid it until it all "blows over". He actually said to me the other day that he can't wait until I "get over this", so we can talk like normal.

It has only been 3 wks & 2 days since he told me of his affair. I didn't realize there was a time limit on this sort of thing.


BS (me) - 30
WS - 29
Married almost 11 years, together over 13
3 children
D Day - 3/14/08 PA
Separated - 3/22/08

Posts: 64 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: Oklahoma
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