Thanks for your concern and your wisdom.
I am trying to integrate everything you say, because I know you are right.
I think venting and thinking about what you say helps the process.
Thanks again for taking the time to address the issues.
It is appreciated.
Good luck to you too, as you move ahead.
The reason your WH doesn't call you is because he can't stand the guilt. He's got you and your DD compartmentalized away so he can pursue his A. Someday the guilt will overflow and engulf him, but you can't wait for that. For now, just hang in there til January. I guarentee you will fell better then.
My heart goes out to you. Just know that I and others here care. It's so hard to be going through this during the holidays. Please keep posting.
[This message edited by Dad at 1:30 PM, November 30th (Friday)]
There were together for 3 yrs and know he wants me back.
On thanksgiving he called me crying that he misses his family. When he said that to me I told him your mom has a spare room. Then he called again and I said to him why do you miss us because it's thanksgiving.
I grew up with this man I know him for 30 yrs and I never even at his grandma funeral hear him cry like he did to me on the phone.
He even called his sister and she told him you made the choice of the woman you picked and you made the choice of moving to florida so it's your own fault.
Eventually they will come to terms of the hurt they caused us all here.
[This message edited by Ivette at 1:46 PM, November 30th (Friday)]
He left me a month ago to be with her. Well, he wanted to stay in the house and carry on his emotional affair on my dime, but I made him move out after he admitted he was in love with her and wanted to be with her.
He wanted to move in with her but she told him not until he got his act together (alcoholic bipolar). So, he moved to her city and just up the street from her. She got him a job working with her. Bully for them.
He called me this week--the first time since he moved there. I could tell he was with *her* because for the first time he was just mean and nasty on the phone--rude and blunt.
I'm sure she's worried about me--we slept together after he had agreed to faithfulness to her (and I told her), so I'm sure he was posturing to comfort her. Still. Ouch.
I'm taking comfort in knowing he's taken a giant step down moving from me to her...I am superior in almost all ways. The benefit of her?...she'll drink with him. She likes to party and he's an alcoholic.
I know it's for the best that the lying, cheating, cowardly bastard is gone, but it still hurts so much that he jumped right on over to her. She wasn't the first, she was just the final before the shit hit the fan.
LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08
I don't know if I'm even making any sense, but I keep finding so many posts that don't help because they're all about WS remorse, etc.
Do you think our spouses still had a fog and it was/is just too deep to come out of, or did they really not love us, as so many of them have claimed?
I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong. I just can't reconcile WH now with the man I married and knew for 3 years before I married him. Nobody else can, either. So how does this make sense??!!
[This message edited by incredulous at 9:59 PM, December 9th (Sunday)]
I am having a hard time not obsessing over every minute of our relationship to try to figure out where it went so wrong.
Me too & its been 8.5 months since he left. I don't even know what to say. I *wish* we had wayward spouses on this board who left for OP. I would love to hear their stories not just the WS who came back to BS.
What it feels like when WS chooses the OP:
When you're a WS that begins to have feelings for the OP, you lose all sense of control. The first tryst is wrong but won't hurt anyone, in fact it feels good. But that is where the vortex begins. Like a tornado funnel, the wind starts to blow circular in a crazy pattern. The WS feels that wind on its face and hair. The Affair continues now at a pace that doesn't make sense in reality, but makes perfect sense to the WS. The vortex funnel has now reached a speed of 200mph. The WS can feel himself slipping into the tornado funnel but not quite. They are holding on. Now the WS is in love with the OP and life takes on a new meaning, a meaning the WS doesn't yet understand but they know it feels different. The vortex takes on a life of its own, inside the funnel is darkness, chaos, confusion. The WS knows he created this monster tornado. The WS can peer inside and feel the wind blow so hard that if he were to ever let himself enter this tornado he would die. He/She knows that she created this monster but fears its power. When the WS chooses the OP, he/she throws the BS into the vortex instead.
This is what it feels like.
Me too. 1.5 years later and the divorce is also final. It will bother me for a long time to come. I'm only hoping it won't ruin any potential future relationships.
I do hope WH is miserable for the rest of his life and I hope the kharma bus broadsides him soon. I've been through a lot of emotional and physical pain that he did not have to experience.
One thing that WS don't think about is "playing" house with someone is different than "living" it with your spouse.
He completely abandoned our kids-he went a year and a half without seeing or speaking to our kids-he said the slut and her kid come first-he lets him call him daddy-the kid is 2 now.
Our girls are now 8 and 10-he spares them a couple hours each week on a Sunday-in court he didn't ask for anything with the kids-I have sole physical and legal custody.
He ended up marrying her in Las vegas-in November 06-7 months after our divorce was final.
I talked to her ex-husband-he told me they divorced-she was having an affair with her boss. He told me his ex father-in law apologized to him for his daughter's behavior. He told me her family knows what she is like. He was not surprised at all that she went after a married man-that is what kind of a person she is-her family is not happy about the baby and her brothers have almost nothing to do with her anymore-her ex husband is still friends with her brothers!
Anyway, I know I am rambling but even 2 1/2 years later, the pain is still so real. I have never seen her-although she did call me once and rub it in my face that he chose her and her child over me and his own kids.
Everyone said it wouldn't last-but they are still together. They have managed to rack up $28,000.00 in credit card debt-he has opened 6 credit cards since he has been gone-in both their names-he told me she was worse off then he was financially(told me this the day we signed our divorce papers). So now he is working two jobs because collection agencies are after him.
Why is he still with her? He has to know she is a skank-she was pregnant with another man's baby when they started their affair!!!! He knows she had an affair on her first husband!
I can't express enough how out of character this was for my xh-noone could believe what he had done-his family has nothing to do with him-he hasn't seen his brother or sister since this happened-he only sees his parents to pick up the kids-noone in his family has accepted her-he gave up everyone for this whore and a kid that isn't even his!
Someone please help me-I am still so sad all time and I hurt for my kids-they know about her baby and that their dad plays daddy to him every day but only sees them a couple hours a week.
I want them to divorce because of one of them cheating on the other-I want them to go through hell. This bitch stole my life-she didn't want to be a single mom so she made me one instead. my xh did NOT want more kids-that is why he had a vasectomy-yet he embraces starting over with her kid? He told me in court he never even wanted our kids-yet he wants hers?
Please help me understand all this-why did he throw his entire life away for her? I didn't even know there was anything wrong in our marriage-I thought we were happy! We had a nice home, he had a good job, healthy kids, summer vacations, wonderful families-he gave all that up for what he has now? A wife noone can stand, a wife that is a whore, they are in debt beyond belief, his family won't even give her a chance-her family has little to do with her because of how she is-what the hell?
Can anyone help me understand?
Sorry it is so long
Why is he still with her?
Because he has no where else to go. He can't go back to you. He is lying in the sh*t he created. That's why he's still with her.
why did he throw his entire life away for her?
I trusted him until the counselor told me he was having an affair, and he admitted it on 10/21. I asked him to leave, and we've had virtually no discussion since, though I have told him I wanted to reconcile. I believe he's moved in with OW.
This is so out of character for WH that nobody can understand it. He has his faults, but nobody would have said (before this) that he was dishonest or cruel. Yet, he has turned out to be both.
WH has no health or addiction problems, but has had a lot of tragedy in his life. His first wife cheated on him and left him, which was (as we all know) very traumatic for him. Their divorce was final in 2001. We met in 2002; his ten-year old daughter died in 2003. When we married, he had to move for my job. (only 30 miles, but it created distance for his teen-age girls who were with us half time, but spent more time with their friends after the move). After we married, he let the job he'd had for 12 years, and started a new job, which caused a lot of pressure. I'm not sure he ever completely processed any of these losses completely, and I think he just lost it.
He's now spiraling downward, risking everything -- his daughters, his marriage, his reputation, his friendships, his parents and siblings, and his church -- for a woman who has been divorced twice (because she cheated both times!) and was in a committed lesbian relationship when he met her. he was a man of such integrity when I married him, and he's obviously given that up, and for what??!!
I don't even want the karma bus to hit him; I still love him and worry so much about what he and his life will be. If and when he ever wakes up and realizes what he has done, I don't know that he'll be able to handle it.
I don't even want the karma bus to hit him;
Me neither. My exH is walking bad karma. He doesn't need anymore.
[This message edited by blackbird542 at 6:50 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]
[This message edited by blackbird542 at 6:48 AM, December 11th (Tuesday)]