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User Topic: When A WS Leaves For Their OP
smn117
♀ New Member
Member # 15091
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, July 1st (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH separated from me in Feb '07...he thought maybe absence would make his heart grow fonder of me and realize why he loved me in the first place and if he'd miss me. But soon after him leaving, I found out the OW basically lives with him...she also works with him. A few months ago when I talked to him he said he was going to date a bunch of people and he's having a great time. It has only been this OW though and he is getting "in" with her family...I am not sure if he brings her to his side of the family's events, but I highly doubt it since he is ashamed for what he is doing, yet he won't stop. My issue is, I have 2 young children that love this OW and they tell me all the stuff they all go do together. Just last week my WH came into my room at 3 AM to apologize for hurting me and we talked for 2 hours and it seemed like the fog was lifting and he said he needed to get away from the OW so he and I can figure this out, but he hasn't. It really bothers me that he does stuff with her family. If he's getting that involved, do you think it is possible for him to want to R with me someday? I keep going back and forth with what I want. I am alone here as my family lives many states away, I moved here to be with him and bc i have the kids, i can't move back "home"...if I'm going to be here I want to be with him. I get so lonely. I have friends, but I miss my "family"-his family. I miss him too...just not "this" him. Anyone's WH R after being so active in the OW's family?


Me BS 30 y/o
Him WH 32 y/o
Married nearly 7 years
Together for 12
Kids: 2.5 & 5
WS lives with OW
Separated 2/07
****************
My sun will always shine even though some days may be cloudy.
****************

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: PA
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 2:59 PM, July 2nd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((smn117))

I don't think he is coming out of the fog. I think he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. He is cake eating and stringing you along. I know this is hard to hear and hard to accept. My X strung me along for a year, promising NC and all sorts of things.

You story is very similar to mine -- met in college, thought he was the love of my life, then 20 years later he "fell in love" with OW. But he was not ready to let go of me. He wanted both of us.

It sounds like your WH also wants both you and OW. Because he knows how much you love him, he is playing you. But he LEFT you to be with her. He LEFT his children to be with her.

You need to be strong right now. Try to eat. Try to get some rest. You don't have to make any decisions right now.

((hugs))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 10:23 AM, July 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick update.
WW dumped the OMM (or is it POS - I'm still learning the acronyms). She hasn't come back though and is showing no interest in trying again with me.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
hargreaves
♂ New Member
Member # 14910
What?  Posted: 2:21 PM, July 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some days I wonder if him leaving for her is God's way to avoid me any more pain. If he decided to R right away, then I would be so tempted to work on our marriage and try to make it better, but I know it would be a long long road ahead, so some days I wonder if this is God's way of making it easier to move forward and avoid any additional hurt. Not sure if that sounds crazy...???

When I first found out about my wife's affair, I was angry at God for causing me all this pain. Like why didn't he warn me a long time ago not to get involved with her?

But your message has actually opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe he's doing it now. Maybe there's a future pain that is worse than this. Maybe it's better for this to happen to me at 30 than at 40 or 50.


Me: BH 30
Her: WW 31
Married: 7.5 years, together 13
D-Day: 06/08/07

Posts: 30 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Stockton, CA
clickgo
♀ Member
Member # 14748
Default  Posted: 8:31 AM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long was the A pre d-day? EA for 1 mo, PA for 3 1/2 mo.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation? Tried to but realized that it was a false R. NC was never established. If so, how many months of trying? less than 2 mo.


3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?
Almost 3 mo. WH doesn't live w/ her yet but I have a feeling they'll move in together soon.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?
OW's divorce will be coming through in Sept. Wouldn't be surprised if WH marries her after our D goes through since she's "the one".

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
No. I gave it my all and there's been too much damage done at this point.


BS (me) 35
WH 42
D-Day 4/17/07
Separated 6/2/07
d-day # 2 7/2/07 NC was never established
3/17/08-Lawyer just called and said it's official DIVORCED

Posts: 185 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NY
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 1:44 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Just a quick update.
WW dumped the OMM (or is it POS - I'm still learning the acronyms). She hasn't come back though and is showing no interest in trying again with me. "

Nope, I was wrong. They're planning on getting back together now.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17109 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
mer1ins
♀ Member
Member # 11607
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, July 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long was the A pre d-day? It's impossible to say. According to WH he's loved OW for years. She was a friend of the family (isn't that ironic?) who use to tell me that WH was like a brother to her.


2. Any attempt at reconciliation? I tried. He claimed he wanted to but then I found out he was still in contact with the skank.

If so, how many months of trying? I got confirmation of the affair in March (just days after our 27th wedding anniversary), kicked him out of the house in May (when I discovered he was still in contact with her), let him come home two days later and then kicked him out again in August when he refused to call OW in front of me and tell her it was over. He moved in with her the same night.


3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP? 17 months since D-day and on 8/2/07 he will have been living with her for a year.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids? OW was separated from her 2nd husband at the time I became aware of the affair. She had left her second husband in Alabama to move back in with her first husband here. After a few weeks her second husband (first ex-husband) kicked her out. That's when she hooked up with my WH. I don't know whether she's legally divorced or not. She has no kids; is unable to have them. Guess she thought she was getting a ready-made family when she hooked up with WH but none of our kids want anything to do with her and they have very little to do with WH.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?
Sadly, yes. I would take him back. I'm angry at myself that I'd even consider letting him back after all the crap he's done and said but a 28 year history is hard to just walk away from.


The truth may set you free, but first it will shatter the safe, sweet way you live - Sue Monk Kidd

Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less. (Rabbi Julius Gordon)

BH/WH - 51
FWW/BW - 54


Posts: 1225 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: FL
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
Default  Posted: 9:25 PM, July 11th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I love you but I am not in love with you"....What the hell is that garbage. That is like "I have to go to the bathroom but I don't have the urge to go."

Sorry, venting here. My wife currently has been having an EA with "sum yung guy" for about 2 months now. All of a sudden, she takes a trip to L.A. (He lives in Pheonix). Now with that being said. She had an affair 6 years ago, and I took her back. Now, she states that I haven't trusted her for 6 years and she cant take it anymore. Now wants a divorce because she didn't like the fact that I accused her of having and EA with someone. Being half right/half wrong....Wrong person but EA with said person above. Looking like it is now turning to a PA.

The worst part is that my daughter is in the middle. She only gets attention when the WW wants it. Otherwise it is "I am on the computer, leave me alone." She was talkin to him in the car on speakerphone and she didn't want to, and got yelled at for it. She is told by her mom continually to keep secrets and not to tell me. Now, I warned my wife not to get her involved because it is not healthy for her and one day she will not like her for it. I also said that if she continues, it is going to force our daughter to choose a side.

Well too late. My daughter is tired of listening to her and has picked a side. Against my wishes.

I am not the best person in the world, not by a long shot, but know how to change. I have been making strides for bout 5 years tweeking myself to be what she wanted me to be (until she started chatting again and talking to sum yung guy)--my mistake. I should have said I am changing for me and if you don't like it...Tough doo-do.


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
jaykaydee
♀ Member
Member # 14855
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, July 15th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ketch,
So sorry to hear about your situation, and your daughter.


ME- BS 41
HIM - WS 39
OW - employee of WS
DDay 2/9/07



Posts: 628 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Manchester, CT
TotallyFaithful
♀ Member
Member # 14417
Default  Posted: 1:58 AM, July 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hugs For My You My Cyber Friends))),

This has not happened to me but I just wanted to say to each of you how touching your stories are. My heart really breaks for each and every one of you. This is so grossly unfair!

I commend each of you for your strength, dignity and wisdom.

No one escapes anything in life. The people that have betrayed you will pay for this in some form or another. When it happens, I hope that you hear about it, feel better and thank yourselves for refusing to be disrespected and live your lives, with them, down in the gutter of life.

May God bless and keep you all.

Totally Faithful


Posts: 482 | Registered: Apr 2007
lra90
♀ Member
Member # 9281
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 17th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1. How long was the A pre d-day?

It started Jan '05, our d-day was Dec '05.

2. Any attempt at reconciliation?

Yes, for about 6 days and then he had to call her and they started up again.

3. How many months has it been since D-day, have they been w/ OP?

It's been 19 months and they are still seeing each other. They have sleepovers once or twice a week at her friend's place. He goes with her to pick up her kids from their dad's.

4. Is the OP married, leaving their spouse, single, have kids?

Yes, SHE is still married to her BH. They have been separated since Oct '05. She has 3 kids who live with their dad 2 states over from ours. She recently just started getting them every other weekend-only after my WH started making her feel like a loser mom for not seeing her kids more.

5. Would you take them back today if they came back begging and pleading? Have they tried?

No. I would have last year, but too much time has past and WH has said too many hurtful things to me. He's not the man I thought I married. He's never tried to either.


Posts: 18129 | Registered: Jan 2006
Grandall
♂ Member
Member # 11169
Default  Posted: 9:22 PM, July 22nd (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW left me for the OP. I caught her walking the beach with him 6 yrs ago. We were divorced June 5th I moved out July 1st leaving her and my kids. He stayed the weekend last weekend sleeping in the bed me and my son shared for the last 12 months. I was out of my house for just 2 short weeks. The kids don't even know him. They were out with him all day today. She told me she loved him and that she was going to marry him. He is a coworker.

[This message edited by Grandall at 9:23 PM, July 22nd (Sunday)]


Me 46 WS Online EA
XWW Many EA's and PA. Married OP.
T 26yrs. M 20yrs.
Divorced 6/5/07
3 Great Children, G 21. G 15. B 11.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish & deceitful.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: MA
queequeg
♂ Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS walked out to continue her infidelity with the OP.

I do not drink, was never abusive, and never cheated. Just the "usual" marital problems.

Within a year or so of the divorce they married.

I am still astonished that she could find someone so willing to marry her, while she was still married to someone else.

It took me years of being single and dating other people to find somebody who was interested in marrying me and who I was willing to marry.

How do these WSs do it?

I mean cheating and finding someone willing to marry you while you are still married.

That is completely inconsistent with my experience of the world.

Anyone with any thoughts???

[This message edited by queequeg at 12:52 PM, July 23rd (Monday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Grandall
♂ Member
Member # 11169
Default  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 23rd (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quee,
I think they do it by 1st becoming friendly and then sharing intimacy's they should only be sharing with thier spouce. The other thing is if the op is single then that is a recipe in it self for distruction of the marriage. Married people should not be sharing intimate parts of thier marriage with a single person. Married people should be socialising with other married couples.


Me 46 WS Online EA
XWW Many EA's and PA. Married OP.
T 26yrs. M 20yrs.
Divorced 6/5/07
3 Great Children, G 21. G 15. B 11.
Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but the kisses of an enemy are lavish & deceitful.

Posts: 611 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: MA
queequeg
♂ Member
Member # 15395
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Grandall:

Thanks for your thoughts.

I am more or less aware of the scenario of how infidelities begin. After my divorce I began dating, and the same scenarios occurred in building those relationships. They did not lead to marriages. It took many relationships and many years afterward, to actually find somebody who cared enough for you and who you cared about to make another marriage.

The WSs who leave for the OP seem to be able to find someone else to marry right away with one relationship (while they are still married).

This is what amazes me!

Perhaps it is the sneaking around and clandestine meetings that heightens the intensity of the OP relationship.

On the other, hand dating and building relationships once you are single takes place in the open and is not clandestine.

Still wondering......

[This message edited by queequeg at 9:45 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 1030 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: maryland
Ivette
♀ Member
Member # 6884
Default  Posted: 10:00 AM, July 24th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hands up he's still with her there made for each other

[This message edited by Ivette at 10:01 AM, July 24th (Tuesday)]


Rather have no company than bad company.

Posts: 1810 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Massachusetts
griefnloss
New Member
Member # 14771
Default  Posted: 2:11 PM, July 29th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in this awful boat also, and am wondering if most of you in this poistion have told people about the affair, and gone into more detail than saying something like 'things just didn't work out." I am trying to decide if/who to tell. i know it is all very dependent upon personal circumstances, but am just wondering if more people who have been left for OP end up telling most everything. It seems like it might make it a bit easier to heal?? Thanks so much, you are all godsends!

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2007
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

grief,
I have told everyone everything. Well, maybe not everyone. There are a few folks who asked about X and I told them we split. And they were clearly uncomfortable so I did not say anything else.

But most people know what the POS did to me and DD.

((HUGS))


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17689 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
roadlesstraveled
♀ Member
Member # 13501
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, July 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am in this awful boat also, and am wondering if most of you in this position have told people about the affair, and gone into more detail than saying something like "things just didn't work out."

I have told everyone the truth. It isn't a long drawn-out explanation either. I simply say that my WH abandoned me while we were living in France and came back to continue his affair with a co-worker. Then I say that he is still with her and we will be getting a divorce. End of story!

I think that what you tell others depends on your comfort level and it is entirely at your discretion what you disclose to others. In my case, I feel that I have nothing to hide. Why shouldn't people know what a horrible thing WH did? It is because of my WH's poor and destructive choices that we are D, and I think that friends/family have a right to know the truth.


"Life is what happens when your plans go astray."

Posts: 617 | Registered: Jan 2007
knutsmi
♀ Member
Member # 14673
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, August 4th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess it is time for me to join this thread


Me-38
Him-38
3 kids, girls, 14, 12, 10
1st d-day (that I knew of) 1997
2nd d-day 5-11-07 (half of it)
3rd d-day 5-19-07(the whole truth)
ONS, Last 2 years OW,EA,turned pa
R is on the way! Thank you God!

Posts: 210 | Registered: May 2007 | From: MI
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