1) the most reliable predictor of a person's future behaviour is his relevant past behaviour
2) for every rat you see, there's 50 you don't
I found it more difficult to find out the infidelity for long ago!
I asked myself, was I do clueless and didn't see the signs? Were the signs there and I chose to ignore them?
My fwh never acted any different during his infidelities which makes it so hard to get over the fact that he could lie so easy and not have any guilt feelings.
Take things a day at a time!
Healing myself is now my top priority.
The decision to R or not is so hard. How can I be with this man? Is he rotten to the core or did he make a series of mistake for which he is now truly remorseful?
Is he rotten to the core
I so identify with this. I have been betrayed in other ways in my life that have scarred me forever (molested, rape, DV by ex-boyfriend) and I see my WH similarly now.
I do not see him as the innocent, good guy, there for his wife and family, loving, kind, none of it. I used to.
Now I see him as untrustworthy and like a monster. I hope that with time and his continued actions towards R will help subdue that viewpoint.
The mind movies do stop eventually xx
This past month the husband of the woman my H met in a hotel between their shifts, has them followed. Her husband is furious and eventually somehow gets this woman to file rape charges against my H. Didn't work... too much evidence that it was completely planned, including sexting and emails, phone calls recorded. Then her crazy husband threatens me and my teenage girls because he seeks revenge. I am at a place where I still love my H but he's out of the house... trying to reconcile but I doubt it will happen. Too much damage.
WS's IC says he scores too low on the SA assessments so it's not that. How can there be so many prostitutes and affairs if it's not an SA? Are WS who commit multiple acts of adultery a different beast than the one-timers?
I also group the different groups in my head by the Dday as I feel slightly different about each type of betrayal. We have two small children so I have to compartmentalize sometimes but some days I still want to kill him. How long till I know that my desire for divorce is legit and not just my initial shock and anger?
My psychiatrist gave me advice based on his experience of many years in his practice.."one infidelity is a serious 'mistake', 2 infidelities...'this is serious and A BS should think about leaving". But 3 infidelities, and you can be certain the cheating spouse has a pathological problem and you should bail."
In my opinion, the one-timer IS a different beast than the repeat offender.
You are still in the very early days and my heart goes out to you with having 2 little ones to tend to while you deal with this. Your world must feel like it is spinning out of control.
While I am in no position to give advice, I say you 180 him. For me, I had to set a future date in my mind by which I would file for divorce if I did not see consistent remorse and change. Having that date comforted me, made me feel I had some control.
Someone on here advised me in the early days not to file for D too quickly. That turned out to be good advice.
That being said, the date I picked back then has come and gone, and we are in R. But I reserve the right to still D if I ever need to, because the affairs may turn out to be the dealbreaker at ANY time!
I too am struggling to understand if my wife is a sex addict (I think yes) or just a multiple cheater for some other reason. She says she is just a broken, insecure person, not a sex addict. I think she is sexually compulsive. In many ways I hope she is an addict, because that means there is a chance for recovery, and therefore reconciliation. If she is just a f-up, then we're done we're too old (she is almost 49) to deal with this like some problem she can resolve in therapy, especially since she's been trying to do that on and off for our whole relationship. Plus, she is a very together person on the outside everyone in my life was just as shocked as I was about all this sexual behavior outside our M, including our couples therapist that we had seen for years before and all during this insane 10 month cheating period.
Here's what happened and keep in mind we are in couples counseling before and during all this stuff...
July 2012, she went to her HS reunion and ended up in bed w/ some guy, she swears they just messed around for 10 mins, no sex (sure). She has an email relationship w/ him where they talk about spiritual stuff (turns my stomach, he has a wife and 2 kids too, and they are emailing like they are so spiritually evolved... gross). I call this a "minor EA/PA."
While she is at reunion she connects with an ex-boyfriend who she later ends up sexting with (she swears it was just during a few days she traveling for work in Feb 2013, don't buy it) and otherwise texting with, including one I read that said he was going to be flying into our town (swears she didn't see him, and if she did it would have just met to say hi). I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and just call this a sexting affair. If she had sex with him while at the reunion or when he was in town I'll probably never know.
Also while at reunion she gets a phone number of an ex boyfriend that she has been periodically obsessed with. I was aware of her love for him all these years, and it really didn't bother me that much because he lived across the country, and ultimately she chose me, right? Well, wrong. She begins an extremely intense EA with this guy over the phone, and I never knew it. She plans a business trip/vacation in his town, and gets everything lined up including a city bike tour, beach trip, and other outings. When she returns, for whatever reason (testing the waters?) she tells me she saw him, had lunch w him and his girlfriend. I was furious just at that I couldn't believe she saw him w/o telling me ahead. I kept saying, "that is so dangerous, if he would have come on to you I know you couldn't have resisted..." I was so hurt). Well, of course it was much more than lunch, they stayed overnight together. I saw an email to her sister where she said she tried to get him to have sex and he wouldn't, they just laid entangled in the bed (ugh). I am pretty sure they didn't have intercourse, but it was still physical. She clearly writes in her journal that she was/is obsessing about him, and that calls and texts from him are like a jolt to her brain - total addiction. I call this a major EA/PA.
Next she sleeps with a woman, in our own living room, while me and our kids and her female parter and their kids are all asleep elsewhere in the house. I call this fling #1.
Finally, the weekend before I caught her she was traveling for work, hooked up with a guy in a bar who took her to a baseball game and then screwed her in her hotel room. This was fling #2.
I also learned that she messed around (swears no sex) with another different ex-boyfriend in 2010, and I know she messed around with him very early in our relationship before we married. About 5 years ago, she also told me she had sex with a female professor of hers during the first year we were together before we were married. I was really hurt about it, but I figured it was early on, and that things were different and better now... never thought it would happen after we got married. This should have been a huge red flag, but I just didn't even have a concept for infidelity... who does this???
So that's the whole story. Thanks for letting me write it out. What a total mess.
"I don't understand the world today I don't understand what she needs I gave her everything she threw it all away" tom petty
Just saw your question. I kept asking and asking if there was more. Something in my gut said there was. It was about 10 months after Dday that she admitted to 3 more A's I didn't know about.
She had to come to a point where she needed the freedom of complete honesty to continue to grow. She had done a lot of work over those first 10 months but hit a roadblock holding secrets.
I think being on here and reading about polygraphs didn't hurt either.
ETA: Broevil just reminded me that just before she came clean about everything I started sharing with her some of my deepest darkest secrets. Take to the grave kind of stuff. I guess showing my own vulnerability and courage helped her show some of her own.
[This message edited by Chicho at 10:40 AM, July 3rd (Wednesday)]
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
Has anyone ever heard anything like this before? That repeatedly cheating on your spouse is a way to "pinch" yourself to see if you're still alive. It seems so bizarre to me that I can't relate to it at all. Is this just a cop out, or is this logical for someone who has repressed his emotions?
My partner who is a serial cheater has said that cheating makes him feel alive, helps with his bored etc.
In my personal opinion with MY partner, it's a total cop out. I feel he is a sex addict and possibly a narcissist. Our couples therapist has told him he feels he may have a sexual addiction, but the moment it's said my partner shuts down and gets defensive.
Yea, it probably IS a way for them to not feel dead inside, to feel if they are still alive, to get some thrill, but there is more to it, that calls for a deeper issue in my opinion.
The acting out was not caused by the marital issues. The acting out was not caused by the marital issues. The acting out was not caused by the marital issues.
Your H acting out was 100% caused by your H internal issues. IC sounds like a great start to get to his issues. Does he share with you his progress in IC?
1 he needs to work on himself
2 you need to work on yourself
3 together you need to work on the M
All three need to happen for R and in that order.
As for compartmentalizing the multiple A's. I do kinda put them all together into one long horrible betrayal. If I looked them as individual instances it would be overwhelming.
Most recent indiscretion was while on business travel last week. Although he emphatically denies that there was any sex involved. He says just drinks. I really can't buy into that given the evidence that I found.
My biggest problem is in deciding to walk away. My IC says that we should separate. And he should get IC and we go to MC. I told WH I was moving out and he wants me to stay. Says we haven't done all we can to fix our marriage, says he is sorry, says he just wants me to listen to him, to pay attention to him, to be affectionate towards him. Watching him say these things, while he's crying, was gut wrenching. He hurts inside, I can tell - he's a very broken man. But should I stay? Should I continue to try to work on this relationship knowing that there hasn't been real fidelity in a years and that there hasn't been openness and honesty in years? I'm leaning towards telling him I'm moving out unless he will start to be open with me now, including telling me all of his secret email addresses, passwords, what online sites he's using, what he did while on business travel, how many women, etc. I just don't know what else to do.