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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
Her Blondeness
♀ Member
Member # 8977
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Miadianna wrote:

>>How do you ever find out exactly how many when you are never allowed to talk about or ask any questions?
How do ever live the rest of your life never really knowing the truth or any shred of the truth? He would never talk to me. <<

I'll never know the full number, really. I know concretely of a few, guessed at a few more and will never know the full truth -- especially since WS rarely tell the truth, KWIM?

Now almost 5 years out, I just tell myself he had lots of girlfriends for lots of years. I'm not sure exactly when he started - I guess around 15 to 17 years into our marriage, when I began to travel regularly for work. But knowing anything more now wouldn't change anything as we are long divorced. Also, I no longer run in that circle of sub-humans that he called friends as I don't hang out in bars and drink until they close. So, I don't even see any of those people and have to wonder if any of them were affair partners. Since our lives are on such different tracks now and the only connection we have is DS, it doesn't matter anymore.


D-day - a long time in the past
Today - happily living in the present and looking to the future

Posts: 621 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Land of Fruit and Nuts
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 5:39 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It takes such a strong person to stay and deal with all this crap.

Outsiders will/may think we are the weak and stupid ones.

But they will never know or understand the depth of strength or how big our hearts are to be willing to stick it out with our serial cheater.

However....the line is drawn in the sand at my house. If he croseses it, he will just have to keep walking. I have too much self respect to stay with someone who will cheat on me again.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6320 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
Her Blondeness
♀ Member
Member # 8977
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 18th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If ex had been even the tiniest bit repentant, or gotten himself into IC, quit lying to the MC or any of those things, I would've stayed longer than a year. But when I finally got strong enough to draw that line - once more and you're history, buddy - X just had to cross it. I guess he was doing me a favor of sorts as it made the decision easier, but nothing is more disgusting than hearing your STBX having phone sex while you're packing to move.


D-day - a long time in the past
Today - happily living in the present and looking to the future

Posts: 621 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Land of Fruit and Nuts
idealist
♂ Member
Member # 9462
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, April 19th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I am not mistaken, I am the first male to post here.

I'm sorry that we are all here. I imagine we probably share some of the same personal characteristics that kept us from fleeing.

I look forward to your insights and helping as much as I can.


Everything can be taken from a man or a woman but one thing: the last of human freedoms to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one's own way.

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Southern California
lilbebe
♀ Member
Member # 12335
Default  Posted: 9:09 PM, April 20th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im here also.. my husband has had I guess 3 affairs one which was PA. He says he is *recovered* now.. (rolls eyes ) I don't really think so.. but even if he is.. the damage runs deep and things will never be the same.


Me BS 41
Him WS 41
S 19
D 18
Married 20 years

DD #1 Feb 2002 then several more follow....


Posts: 525 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: CA
howsad
♀ Member
Member # 14381
Default  Posted: 12:26 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in
My WH had at least 9 affairs that I can prove there are more I just cant prove it so if I cant prove it, it must not have happened according to him.It really sucks not knowing the truth it really eats you alive somedays. Rat Bastard!

Posts: 52 | Registered: Apr 2007
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 3:35 PM, April 26th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How many BS out there are successfully reconciling after discovery of multiple As -

I was able to process the first A and move on but am having a hard time now at learning of a total of 5 As over 10 years.

My FWH is in IC and just started a 12 step program (he has a lying problem amongst others!) He is working on himself, but I fear I am too far gone at this point, too much hurt and lack of trust.

If you found a way to deal with it successfully I would love to hear.

[This message edited by cleo at 4:04 PM, April 26th (Thursday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
not_a_martyr
♀ Member
Member # 9518
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, April 27th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I fit here, too. I wish I could be more excited about that.

My H had over 12 EA's (online, phone sex, ex-gf's, colleagues, you name it!) over the course of 18 mths, beginning 6 mths in to our marriage. And those are only the ones I'm aware of and have confronted. With the exception of two, they were all terribly naive little girls (single) who thought they'd met the man of their dreams. It was sad to have to shatter that for them, but I am actually pretty proud of each of them (the OW's) that once they found out he was married they went away. Oddly, he never chased any of them. In our 1 MC session, he explained that they didn't matter, he didn't miss them, and someone else would come along if he was feeling needy again.

Our situation got more complicated in that after his final d-day, I completely detached from him and had my own EA. (If that makes me unwelcome here, please just say so.) What we deal with now is that he thinks my EA completely erases all of his transgressions. I don't entirely disagree with this because to me, cheating is cheating and it was all wrong. The good news is that we both do "own our shit" and don't blame the other for our bad choices.


me: 40
him: 38
us: in R


Posts: 5856 | Registered: Jan 2006 | From: Texas
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 9:38 AM, April 30th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi guys. This is my first post to this thread. Never thought I'd have to be here. Just had DDay #3 yesterday: 2 more disclosures. This makes four she has admitted to know. She claims the last one was in 1995. But how the hell do I know? Seems she is very challenged when it comes to telling the truth.

Anyway, just wanted to say hello. My heart goes out to all of you


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
KickedInTheHead
♂ Member
Member # 14367
Default  Posted: 6:49 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

WW had an EA with one man from 10/06 until 12/06 then a PA with another man from 12/06 until 4/07. Finally came back down to earth but holy cr*p how much can one man take??

[This message edited by KickedInTheHead at 6:49 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me BH 42
Her FWW 36 (SlowlyDying)
Kids 15,13,11,8
D-Day 1-31-07
Married almost 15 years

Reconciled...forgiving is relatively easy but forgetting is impossible


Posts: 341 | Registered: Apr 2007 | From: Arizona
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey gal's and guy's. I belong here as well. For me it's a relief to have all this out in the open. H and I can actually talk about all the PA's and EA's without too much emotion. That doesn't mean that I don't still get emotional. But, I will give myself one massive pat on the back for the progress that I have made in the past 2 years.

I believe that H has been as truthful as he possibly can at this moment. He attends SLA meetings on a regular basis and I'm sure new memories will surface as he continues the healing journey.

For myself, I'm doing well with my healing and have forgiven H. I'm currently working on forgetting that I have forgiven and keeping my positive emotions/feelings intact on a minute by minute day to day basis.

Reconcilation is possible. H and I are well on our way


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, May 2nd (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Did it again...double post

[This message edited by shenpa1 at 12:03 AM, May 3rd (Thursday)]


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
LucyBlue
♀ Member
Member # 9785
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, May 3rd (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too belong here....double digits that include three friends.

But things are going great, it hurts that I didnít have the marriage I have now the whole time. I finally am married to the man I thought I married.


Posts: 197 | Registered: Feb 2006
hibou
♀ Member
Member # 6025
Default  Posted: 4:57 AM, May 4th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mmmmm, lot of us here eh!

My first husband had an affair when I was 5 months pregnant. We parted soon after that and i became a single mum to an unborn and a 14 month old. Fast forward to 7 years after that. New partner (never quite trusted anybody fully after that so i never re-married), he moved in so we could start a family and once more, during my pregnancy he had an affair (as i found out 6 years leter when I uncovered his second and third affairs....). Its all too yucky to waste any more time on it.
Fast forward again to another partner - this time I do trust him (he has also been a BS) and we have a rule "infidelity = anything you do or say that you wouldn't do or say if your partner was stood right by your side" At the first sign of any wavering from this rule its curtains!!!! But we both know that so we have choice (not obligations).
I often wondered if I did anything or behaved in a way that made my first two partners cheat?


Loving life again after a period in exile.

Posts: 186 | Registered: Dec 2004
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 11:24 AM, May 5th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hibou, you did nothing to cause them to cheat. But I do think it's possible that we are drawn to flawed people who are more prone to infidelity. In my case, I've been cheated on in every significant relationship I've ever been in. I don't think that says anything about me, but it sure speaks volumes as to the type of people I'm attracted to.


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
woundedgirl
♀ Member
Member # 6846
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, May 6th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hi ya'll (waves)
I belong here too!
My WS has has 2 Affairs.
Both resulted in OC. While we seperated he lived with the OW#1.

We're trying to reconcile and WS has done a complete 180 so far. We are still struggling here and there and the rollercaoster is just beggining now that everything is out in the open and both women know its over.

Its very difficult to trust him, but we're trying to work on it and etc.

It hurts very much that someone has cheated more than once. A lot of people think that if you stay with a WS who's had multiple of LTA that makes you weak, I just think you have to walk in someone's shoes before you make judgements like that.


ME- BS 28 HIM- XH 29
8 Y.O. DD Married for over 4 years
1st D-Day 1/1/05- WS & OW#1
1st OC Born 11/12/05 (with OW#1)
2nd OC born in 07/06 (with OW#2)
3rd C born in 06/09 (with OW#2)
Divorced- 4/2008
Engaged to SO- 2/14/2010
Married SO -2/28/1

Posts: 1433 | Registered: Apr 2005 | From: Pennsylvania
LLady8
♀ Member
Member # 10284
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate to be part of this group, but here I am.
Gary Zukav writes some very enlightening ideas on sex and addictive sex. One of his books I recently read is called "The Heart of the Soul". He wrote a chapter about sex and addictive sex. He describes it as weakness drawn to weakness... That these are individuals who feel powerless, frightened and unwanted and that they look for targets like themselves to have sex with. They are using one another to create relief of their painful emotions and that they use one another to feel worthy. I think that there are various degrees of sex addictions, and multiple affairs may not always be an indicator of addiction, But they may be an indicator of some internal, deeper personal issues that is totally independent of one's marriage. I have recently come to realize that with each affair, WH may have justified his A's by our marital discord, but in reality, how could we have had a truly good marriage when he was living his secret, double life. How can a person truly put any honest commitment into his marriage, when he is putting energy into people outside his marriage?
Anybody else read any Gary Zukav and was it helpful for you? His words have been very powerful and enlightening to me in dealing with all of this.


BW - me; WH - him
In R since first dday

Posts: 123 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Florida
croman
♀ Member
Member # 11995
Default  Posted: 9:33 PM, May 7th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I meant to sign up to this group back in April but I guess the kids took me off the computer.
Anyway, sadly I belong to this group, but I know I am in good company.

R has been very rough. The rollercoaster has calm down a bit but I am still very resentful and GOD knows I can not say " I love you" to him, not even on text. The words just won't come out. I know deep down I do because there is no other explanation for putting up with this pain, but this has to be the hardest thing I have ever done.

The biggest trigger I have been having for the past months or so is that I still think about all these women and I know that they don't know who I am or what they have done to my life and my family. Also the 2 that I confronted and avoided me, have new "boyfriends" and are all happy, while I still suffer over what they did or didn't do with my husband.


Married 6, together 8
Me: BS 37
Him : WH 30.. ihatemyself
3 girls - 11, 6 & 2
D-Day 7/17/06.
continued 8/2/06, complete truth of 6 years of deception 09/17/06.

"Role playing is so much fun!" THEN PLAY DEAD!


Posts: 153 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: new york
LostandWidowed
♀ Member
Member # 10743
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

LLady8 wrote "I have recently come to realize that with each affair, WH may have justified his A's by our marital discord, but in reality, how could we have had a truly good marriage when he was living his secret, double life. How can a person truly put any honest commitment into his marriage, when he is putting energy into people outside his marriage?"

Amen to that! Thats what really pisses me off - we could have had a great marriage if the amount of effort he put into having and covering his double life was put into our marriage.


A double minded man is unstable in ALL his ways. James 1:8

Posts: 151 | Registered: May 2006
tputer
♂ Member
Member # 11353
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, May 9th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What hurts me so much is that we have been married 22 years; FWW began her ONS's 5 years into the marriage. I told her last night "thank you for holding out 5 years. I know it must have been tough for you". She continued doing this crap for 5 more years - that is a big chunk of memories that have been forever tainted .


Me FBH/WS: 48
FWW/BW (JP12861): 48
Married 25 years
Kids: 2 DD's 24, 20
My DDay: 7/16/06
Hers: 4/5/10

Posts: 20518 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: San Diego Area
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