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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
confusedbeyond
♀ Member
Member # 33462
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 23rd (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ughhh- I guessI have to join this one too. Recently discovered my WS started 4 years ago with EA #1 for 1 year, "crush" with OW #2, EA #3, and mot erntly EA #4 which ended with 2 physical incidents of manual stimulation. All along I had no clue. Sickens and angers me that I was the perfect stay at home ,dinner on the table, smiling idiot.


BS: Me 35
WS: him 37
3 children 5,3, 3 mons
D day 9/23/11
still getting trickling info but WS is acting remorseful. both in IC, MC

Posts: 115 | Registered: Sep 2011
Edie
♀ Member
Member # 26133
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 24th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@notmetoo,

Have sent you a PM.


Maybe a long walk in the Hindu Kush would do it?
BW (me) 52
FWS 55
Together 29 years; 2 DDs 15 & 12
Dday Dec 08 (confessed) Feb 09 16 other OW confessed. OW17 tried her unedifying hardest until Aug 09. R'd.

Posts: 4960 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: UK
tryingtolive23
♀ Member
Member # 32639
Default  Posted: 1:34 AM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had affairs with 4 OW that I know about throughout our marriage. So I guess I am also a member of this group.


BS: Me
Married: 11 years
Together: 20 years

We will all reap what we sow, so trying my best not to sow revengeful bad seeds.


Posts: 79 | Registered: Jun 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 7:13 PM, October 26th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tryingtolive
Welcome to the club none of us wanted to join. Unfortunately I seem to be a member of many of the clubs here on SI. Trying to R though not sure if I can put what my WH has done behind me.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
iamsurviving
Member
Member # 23478
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, November 20th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just found out in the last few weeks that H had multiple affairs as well. 1st EA back in 2001, 2nd EA in 2003-2004, 3rd EA/PA 2004-2007. What a mess. I'm so bad off right now - I can't think straight - asked H for details and got them - probably more than I bargained for - almost destroyed me - blood pressure rising, chest pains, light headedness - just a mess - thank God H retired and is out of that place but it doesn't stop the pain or the anxiety/panic and the stress is overwhelming at times. Holidays upon us is not fun at all - just trying to get through. Thanks for letting me vent. God bless all here. We are trying to R for the 2nd time but I'm no youngster and it's not easy at all. 2nd EA/PA was with a woman who wanted to know if her implants were big enough so ask H to 'feel them'. I'm sick about that one - sorry for the mental picture - I'm having mental movies that are destroying me.


Me: BS (61)
Him: WH (64
Married: 41 years
Kids: 3, Grandkids - 6
EA/PA - 6 years -
DDay - 12/16/07
DDay - 10/20/11
DDay - 8/15/12

Posts: 265 | Registered: Apr 2009
danni
♀ Member
Member # 30257
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great thread my H has had 3 full blow As and 1 EA so count me in.

I have no idea why I am still married to him. having more thought of asking him to leave lately. I dont think a can put on my happy face much longer


Danni 47 BS
him WS 47
Married 28+
3 children 21,22,26
1st D-day I was 8mths preg with last child
2nd D-day 4/13/2010
2OW same time frame

R'ing ?? yes, no, maybe, I dont know

This is not the end, this is not the beginning
linkin park


Posts: 320 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: massachusetts
greenmoose
♀ Member
Member # 32727
Default  Posted: 1:20 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt I will know all of the affairs he has had. I suspect five possibley six. He admits to four. All of these have to be addressed at some point. Right now we are working on the latest one.


me BS 43
him WH 36
M 15 yrs
4 children, two still in the house
multiple affairs thoughout marriage (five that I know of)
currently R

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2011
Opheliapain
♀ Member
Member # 33596
Default  Posted: 4:18 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too. WH had sex with 6 women, went out on dates with 7, got phone numbers in bars for 7, and internet flirted with another 5.

He did this all while traveling for work. I had ZERO idea. And I am trying to put my life back together with paste. Let's hope it doesn't rain.


Me - BW 38
Him - WH 33
Don't fuck with me fellas! This ain't my first time at the rodeo!
DD - 3/28/11

Posts: 173 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Indiana
NoMorDeceit
♀ Member
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 11:40 PM, November 22nd (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm in this boat too. My H has had at least 5 affairs that were confirmed. Probably others, in fact I'm sure of it. Nice to know I'm not alone.


BS
Three D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 402 | Registered: Apr 2009
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, November 28th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finally got up the nerve to look at the timeline my FWH had written out for me.

Somehow it seemed worse seeing all the As written down on paper.

The first betrayal was a month before we got married and consisted of having sex twice with the GF of a friend. He then was actually faithful for 9 years before he started on his series of As that continued with brief timeouts until I found out ithis July which was 25 years after the first one.

The question I keep asking myself is "why am I still here trying to make this M work?" His track record is terrible, how can he possibly change after all these years of acting out? He swears he will never do it again, that he was sick, that he's disgusted with himself and what he's done. I want to believe him but .... I guess only time will tell.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 2:49 AM, November 29th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi all

Right here with you. Tough isn't it?

Big HUGS to you all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 9:16 AM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else here wonder if they are shortchanging themselves by staying in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly cheated on them?

Until I was in this situation I always thought that if I was ever cheated on, even once, I would kick his a$$ out and that would be it. Now that I KNOW that I have been cheated on repeatedly I don't understand why I am still here giving my FWH a second chance. I wonder if I am just being a doormat. Prior to D Day, If someone else told me a story like mine, I would think them crazy to stay in the M. I'm asking myself if I can still have self respect if I stay. Maybe this is why I'm in this mess because I'm too much of a doormat. I just don't know anymore.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
64fleet
♂ Member
Member # 18710
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, December 1st (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Does anyone else here wonder if they are shortchanging themselves by staying in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly cheated on them?

Yep-I know I feel shortchanged...


time wounds all heels

Posts: 5359 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: deliverance land
Tropicalblush
♀ Member
Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, December 5th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its horrible... I feel shortchanged too... My H has had two As (that I know of), one ONS (so he says) and one 18mth LTA... and then HUNDREDS of online As. four fake email accounts with over 1000 contacts between them. Sickening...

And I'm stuck in limbo-land... should I stay or should I go... but that's another story.


Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 5:02 PM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Triggering badly right now. Just realized that this time last year FWH was in NYC for a course and decided to pick up some slut in a bar for a ONS. His usual practice had been to take his LTOW with him to courses but I guess she wasn't available this particular weekend so he had to improvise. What an a$$hole.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
foolishpeach
♀ Member
Member # 34053
Frustrated  Posted: 8:59 PM, December 21st (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, punch my membership card for this club too.

POS has a porn problem. He joined various adult and cheating websites a number of years ago. He chatted/flirted online and had cybersex with many.

He used prostitutes. He used tranny prostitutes. Probably about a dozen all told.

Then when that got expensive, he got physically active with the members of the adult websites (women and at least one man). Those numbered around 8.

Now, he's having an affair with a slutty coworker (he says he's not in love with her and that she's not very good in bed so I have to question WTF he's with her). In fact, he's celebrating an early Christmas with her tonight. Happy holidays to me!


Me-45
DDay 11/18/10
Sadly enough, still hating life

Posts: 99 | Registered: Nov 2011 | From: Desert Southwest
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((((foolishpeach)))))

I truly feel for you. I don't know what I would do if my WS wasn't at least remorseful and trying to make things right. I don't have any words of wisdom but know that you've been heard and have the support of here. Are you seeing an IC? Keep posting and venting when you need to.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:04 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

foolishpeach

HUGS honey. I know it is so hard.

Stay strong.

Love Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
greenmoose
♀ Member
Member # 32727
Default  Posted: 7:13 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not sure how many affairs my husband has had over the last 15 yrs of marriage. I know of at least five PA and one EA, which I suspect is was a PA as well.

He is a police officer and apparently this makes having an affair pretty much acceptable as evryone can say "oh I understand why he has affairs, he see a lot of things. It's typical of them.". That kind of BS. He doesn't drink much and that's supposed to be "typical" of police too...whatever. I was a police officer as well. I have not had any affairs.

Anyway, from the start he was cheating on me, but he didn't leave me for her so I thought it must be true love..right.

For the next seven years everything was fine that I knew of. He worked ALOT.

Then about five years I discovered a EA. Then a year later, a full blown PA. This time we seperated for several months. He filed for divorce and the very damn second I started moving on without him, he suddenly wanted his family back and cut ties with her.

Then after things settled down, about a year later, he started acting out, staying out all night. I worked nights, so I didn't know for awhile. I'm pretty sure he was seeing the OW from the previous affair during this time. I think they ended up parting ways again and he became in involved with a person I will call SB.

(both of the previous affair parnters were dispatchers. the EA was with a secretary he worked with)

during this time, I was digging around trying to find out if he was having another affair, I discovered a couple of past affairs.

We began Christian marriage counseling. He was still involved with the currant OW, SB, but I couldn't prove it. So basically our entire MC he was lying and even had the counselor convinced that I was paranoid.

Then the bottom fell out and my neighbor told me SB had been at our house. I asked him to move out and he did. Right into her house.

Again, when he saw that I was moving on, he came back wanting his family back. This time was different. He went to IC. He is remorseful. He is transparent. He is truly wanting R I believe.

I let him move back in and DAMN it if he didn't fall back in with SB OW about four months later.

Folks, I can barely write how ashamed I feel for letting him back AGAIN! My pride hurts to say it. He seriously broke my spirit and I just didn't fucking care anymore.... He could have left, he could have came back. he could have killed over dead, I could have died. I just didn't care.

I want to say also that during this time, he ran our finances in the ground. We lost our home. He damn near lost his job. His head was so out of the game, the he was almost killed at worked and he minimised it. Another time, he was having sex with OW in a parking lot (on duty) and the store clerk turned them in. WTF! He lost his mind!

It's been a year since that second Dday with SB OW. And I do feel better. He is doing the work as I can see.

I am BITTER at the world. Probably depressed a little. I love him and I love our family. I am just getting into the acceptance stage and not as mad at him, but to OW and innocent people that annoy me...I am rude and have no tolerance. I'm terriable.

I have not shown my face at his department. I hate all the dispatchers. Of course it's not their fault, HE is responsible for his actions but if I can find a way to blame I do. I'm sorry to all the good, decent dispatchers and police officers in the world. I know you are out there.

Now I'm just rambling. This is the first time, I've really been into that much detail. There is so much more. I can't even begin to process it all, mch less write it all down.

Anyway, that is the jest of our story. In a nutshell, I love him and I love our family. I struggle with taking him back. He is doing R much better than I am. I consider leaving him daily and yes it is possible that this last time with SB OW was the dealbreaker.


me BS 43
him WH 36
M 15 yrs
4 children, two still in the house
multiple affairs thoughout marriage (five that I know of)
currently R

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2011
Notmetoo2011
♀ Member
Member # 32912
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, December 23rd (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

greenmoose

I can identify with so many of your feelings.

I got a phone call one week before my 25th weeding anniversary from a man telling me my H had been having an A with his wife for several months. I was totally blindsided as I thought I had a ( for the most part) great marriage . I thought my H had met the OW at a social dance class we were taking but when all the details came out he had actually met her on Ashley Madison. Why they arranged for us all to take this dance class together is beyond me and just goes to show how sick they both were.

Anyway, as devastated as I was to learn about this A, it turned out to be just the tip of a very big iceberg. When my WH finally confessed all the sordid details it turned out he had been fooling around on me consistently for the last 14 years of our marriage and had a couple of brief indiscretions prior to that. All in all he's had 4 As ranging in length from 6 months to 6 years. Two of those were with OW I considered to be friends. One was with an employee. He also had at least 3 short term flings also with people I knew and several ONS.

I never thought he would cheat on me. He was always loving and telling me how great I was etc. Until the last few years when he used to take OW with him away on courses, I don't know how he found time to carry on these As. We work together and spend most of our free time together. He claims all his acting out was driven by his porn addiction and BDSM fetish and was never about leaving me for someone else. ( No kidding. Why would he when he could have his cake and eat it too).

My D day happened right before my 85 year old mother was coming to stay and a large group of extended family were going on a trip ( to celebrate our anniversary ). Because of this I told no one and continued on as if everything was okay. It the timing had been different I wonder if I would have kicked him out. ( I always thought infidelity would be a deal breaker for me).

Anyway, here I am 5 months out still wondering everyday if he will do it again. We think he may be a SA and we have finally found a CSAT about an hour away who he has an appointment with in January. (He has been going to an IC).

I constantly question my decision to try and R. I ask myself what kind of person would stay with someone who has done this to them? I don't want to leave but I almost feel like I should because I feel if people knew they would think me pathetic to stay.

We also have 4 kids. 3 are still at home. WH is a good Dad. I don't want to destroy my kids world but I will if he crosses any of my boundaries again.

greenmoose, are you or your WH seeing an IC? Can he identify what leads him to act out?

This is a tough time of year to be dealing with all this crap. Hope everyone out there has a happy holiday. Hugs to you all.


Me-BW 47
SAWH 48
Married 25 years.
4 children
D-Day 26/07/11
Multiple PAs, ONS,

Posts: 262 | Registered: Jul 2011
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