Can't say we've reconciled but things are looking good at present. I'm feeling Very optimistic.
Good luck to you
I'm not in lala land either. My FWH has done a ton of hard work through IC,MC,etc.etc.etc. and I've seen lasting changes, consistent for 4 years. Of course, I pray that I won't have to eat those words one day.
[This message edited by whatRwords at 1:49 PM, May 18th (Wednesday)]
Trying to Repair...
Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.
[This message edited by whatRwords at 8:21 AM, May 19th (Thursday)]
I think only one of the OWs was a PA, although number 2 was/is a "masseuse" and touched him for money.
I don't think this latest one is even an EA, just wholly inappropriate flirting - she calls him darling and he signs his texts to her with xxx. I believe his addicted to this form of secret interaction; he has several secret phones. It is not quite sexting, but it is all very flirty and intimate. And utterly, utterly heartbreaking for me.
Not good. Trying to do 180, but also wanting to berate WS. Which won't help me. I wish I could just walk out now this minute, but I can't, and my reasons for staying right now are good, sensible and well thought out. And I need to remind myself of that.
Honestly, I can't speak for your husband. However, from my experience..I have seen many TT DD's. It would make your head spin if I included all of them. I believed WH almost every time he denied PA's & some EA's. Even when I had solid proof with texting/phone logs. I kept at it and finally WH broke down and told the truth with all of the AP's. OW#1-was a bonus. No Idea about that one!
My point is...(even though you really want to believe he had no real PA's). Be alert and watch for the signs...I see some of those signs in your blog. I have lived TT days/and many,many lies too. There is a pattern here...Keep digging if you must. That was so hard for me..But I knew there was more to his stories.. The truth hurts, but the lies and deception are far deeper wounds to heal. I know you want to believe WH..we all do. Just be true to yourself and trust your gut.
[This message edited by whatRwords at 3:09 PM, May 19th (Thursday)]
The PA was with OW1 for 4 months, back in early 2008, plus the paid for massages with OW2, in, which I count as PA even if not actual sex - it was physical intimacy.I think that WS thinks that if he isn't putting bits of him into bits of these women, then it isn't an A, which is how he justifies the secret liaisons as being "nothing" because they are not sex.
However, that said, I do take on board what you say, I do need to know the truth, but I am now at the point where I am not sure I believe anything he says.
My WH is now living with OW #3, but there have been more OW than that. This has basically taken place over a 2 year span. The first was a one year LTA. We had separated for a few months a few months into the affair, which is when they got their own place (she divorced her husband for him). He returned home after things weren't working out, but the affair continued. After he got caught red-handed (D-Day #1) we attempted R, but then Oct. of last year, about 3 1/2 months after D-Day #1, he decided he wanted to separate again because he couldn't handle how I was handling it. But about a month after D-Day #1, I could tell he was back in "cheating mode". Sometime after the beginning of the year, he moved in with ONE of his OW while probably still seeing others....but NOT me, though through the little communication we had, he told me he still loved me and wanted to work it out, but no actions to back it up. Then in April, he and the OW he was living with must have gotten into something (she contacted me afterwards and said he was still in contact with the LTA OW, though I think it was to cover up his contact with me and the other GF), and she got an RO against him. I found out about the RO and confronted him with it and he still denies the real reason for it (more lies, of course). She told me he moved in with the other GF, which I had already found out through my other resources. Again, I subtly bring it up to him....lies and denials. He lives about 80 miles away, so it's easy to maintain his lies, at least in his mind.
Anyway, between the RO OW and the current "roommate" (which that one has been going on since last summer), he must have started feeling regrets and for about 2 weeks, he was actually starting to talk about reconciling, but then, "poof", he stopped because he slipped right back into the fog.....
I absolutely know I'm doing everything wrong. I try 180, but then I start having anxiety issues after a couple of days of no contact, then I break down and contact him. I filed for divorce in March (first hearing next week, takes 6 months to be final in my state) but that didn't rock him at all. I kick myself everyday for not sticking to what I should have been doing from the beginning. All because I still love the man that I married, not the man that he has become the last 2 years.....
[This message edited by takilasunrise at 6:34 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]
Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.
Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.
Just after things started to seem better, after some good MC and a bit of QT and mending, he has to sabotage everything again, risking so much for so little.
So yes, my trust for WS did seem to be coming out of its coma, but it was a just some reflex twitching, false hope. The life support machine may well have to be switched off; time will tell.
Haven't got any words of wisdom or encouragement just want to let you know you have been heard.
I too am a little sad tonight
HUGS to all
I thought we were on the road to R, when I discovered the 4th OW, which he claims he "forgot". I died a little because he had claimed full disclosure. Now I know I can't believe a word he says and I'm back to feeling hopeless. I told him this would be a dealbreaker, so now what?
I told him I want a divorce, but the truth is I just wanted it to work out. My therapist told me I'm too angry right now to make any permanent decisions, so I'll wait. WH seems crushed -- and it snapped him out of the fog, for sure. He doesn't want to end the marriage and said he'll do whatever it takes. I want to believe him.
Thank you for all your stories. It seems an impossible hurdle to overcome multiple betrayals, but I'm happy to see some are doing just that. It gives me hope. And hope is what I need right now...
I *know* that the only route for us is divorce between the multiple As and the verbal abuse.
It's still so hard losing someone I once saw as a partner, closer to me than anyone else. He agreed not to be involved with anyone else while we were still living together, but went ahead anyhow. After those nights (I didn't know until a few days later that it had turned into another PA), he would come home to me and try to get me to make love to him, which we haven't done since D-day #3.
It seemed ridiculous that he would have so many A's; deciding to D became the obvious answer - I didn't even have to think about it. I was doing ok, trying to plan things out, but D-day #4 has really rattled me.
It just feels like everything has gone wrong, like this was never the life that was *meant* to happen. We have a wonderful DS together, and I just don't understand why WH would do what he did, again and again, knowing how much it hurt.
Just read your profile
I'm finally getting serious about divorce. I feel better than I have in a long time.