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Newest Member: PhoenixWife (43212)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
Rose 45
♀ New Member
Member # 31215
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, February 17th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also a member of this club! My WH had multiple online A's with strangers, two ONS's (supposedly a year apart, but same OW-drunken bar slut ). And in the aftermath of finding out about these anonymous A's, I learned there was also at the same time a LT (2 yrs) EA with his high school gf, who had tracked him down via FB. That was the worst one, because he already had a history with her, even though it was over 20 years ago. What started out as 2 friends catching up, quickly progressed into explicit email, texting, IM, phone calls, etc. and finally to her trying to convince him to visit her, which didn't happen but only because she lives 800 miles away.
He claimed the online A's were pretty much the same to him as buying x-rated magazines or videos (so buy a magazine, for God's sake!) We have been in R for 13 mos. with one (that I know of) backslide 6 mos ago. Everyday is a new challenge, some days I want to hug him, other days I want to beat him with his golf clubs. I still check up on him almost daily and haven't found anything in a long time....maybe he's really changed, maybe he's just being more careful. Who knows?


Me--BW 45
Him--WS 42
DDay--1/22/2010
Married 20 yrs
ONS, EA
Reconciling
Somedays are better than others

Posts: 4 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: toledo,oh
mc2010
♀ Member
Member # 29939
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, April 19th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone out there who has successfully R'd after multiple affairs?? Could use some positivity right about now...

Posts: 118 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: Washington
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 3:15 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi mc2010

Can't say we've reconciled but things are looking good at present. I'm feeling Very optimistic.

Good luck to you

HUGS

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
ThePilotsWife86
♀ Member
Member # 31596
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, April 20th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly I'm a member of this group...4 that I know of in the last 3 yrs. Now that I think back...I do believe he has been doing this all along. It just sickens me!


Me 49
WH 59
2 Daughters 17/22
D-day 11-8-09
D-day #2 1-4-10
"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes."

Posts: 178 | Registered: Mar 2011
Miss.ery
♀ Member
Member # 32030
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, April 29th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am on this list. I posted it what I know in "my story".
It SUX!


BS - me 42
WS - 36
M-9.5 years
DDay - 3/22/23/24 & 4/25 2011
2 kids - age 8 & 5
Status - Finally Known - Separated

Posts: 89 | Registered: Apr 2011 | From: CT
Just-a-Statistic
♀ Member
Member # 31244
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm here too. Three over the space of 6 years, all cumulative. Details in my profile. Not sure but suspect there were others that did not leave a trail of emails behind. It sux badly. As one of my friends who happens to be a multiple offender himself said of my situation when I talked to him, "better three than one", it means that they did not mean anything to him (my H).
Is that supposed to make me feel better?
I responded with "oh, gee, thanks for that perspective! now I can go home and tell him to keep going - the more the better! That way I know he loves ME while he is fucking them! it's a good news story after all!"


Me: 50; Him: 52
DDay 6/1/11; 3 known OWs

Posts: 550 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: far away
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, May 2nd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a survivor of multiples and after 4+ years from the final d-day we have a strong marriage minus the occasional triggers and questions that still come up. After more than 6 years of A's with more than 5 women and many of them EA/PA's there are a multitude of triggers.

I'm not in lala land either. My FWH has done a ton of hard work through IC,MC,etc.etc.etc. and I've seen lasting changes, consistent for 4 years. Of course, I pray that I won't have to eat those words one day.


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
whatRwords
♀ New Member
Member # 32123
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, May 18th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

[This message edited by whatRwords at 1:49 PM, May 18th (Wednesday)]


BW-45(me)
WH-47
Married 21 years
Kids: 13,16,18 (girls)
Final DD: 02/13/2011
OW# 1,2,3,4 (PA/EA,MC,IC,NC)

Trying to Repair...

Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2011
whatRwords
♀ New Member
Member # 32123
Default  Posted: 12:55 PM, May 18th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How can one heal with so many multiple affairs hanging over ones marriage? It's bad enough to think of just one OW having Sex w/FWH. Now, I focus on all of them. How can one forgive after so much damage to a marriage? I have lost so much. My kids have lost so much! How do I repair, knowing that my FWH has had 4 partners during our 21 marriage? My pain runs so deep..I live in a small town..Ow #2,3,4 live in my town. FWH continues to work with Ow#3,4. He still loves Ow#4. (NC)of course! What a long painful journey....

[This message edited by whatRwords at 8:21 AM, May 19th (Thursday)]


BW-45(me)
WH-47
Married 21 years
Kids: 13,16,18 (girls)
Final DD: 02/13/2011
OW# 1,2,3,4 (PA/EA,MC,IC,NC)

Trying to Repair...

Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2011
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh dear. Found out last week WS is still in contact with OW4 - phone calls and texts. Found out today WS is having inappropriate contact with yet another woman. I have been suspicious of this person, a business associate, for a while, but he denied anything inappropriate.

I think only one of the OWs was a PA, although number 2 was/is a "masseuse" and touched him for money.

I don't think this latest one is even an EA, just wholly inappropriate flirting - she calls him darling and he signs his texts to her with xxx. I believe his addicted to this form of secret interaction; he has several secret phones. It is not quite sexting, but it is all very flirty and intimate. And utterly, utterly heartbreaking for me.

Not good. Trying to do 180, but also wanting to berate WS. Which won't help me. I wish I could just walk out now this minute, but I can't, and my reasons for staying right now are good, sensible and well thought out. And I need to remind myself of that.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
whatRwords
♀ New Member
Member # 32123
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TO:Whispering Willow

Honestly, I can't speak for your husband. However, from my experience..I have seen many TT DD's. It would make your head spin if I included all of them. I believed WH almost every time he denied PA's & some EA's. Even when I had solid proof with texting/phone logs. I kept at it and finally WH broke down and told the truth with all of the AP's. OW#1-was a bonus. No Idea about that one!

My point is...(even though you really want to believe he had no real PA's). Be alert and watch for the signs...I see some of those signs in your blog. I have lived TT days/and many,many lies too. There is a pattern here...Keep digging if you must. That was so hard for me..But I knew there was more to his stories.. The truth hurts, but the lies and deception are far deeper wounds to heal. I know you want to believe WH..we all do. Just be true to yourself and trust your gut.

[This message edited by whatRwords at 3:09 PM, May 19th (Thursday)]


BW-45(me)
WH-47
Married 21 years
Kids: 13,16,18 (girls)
Final DD: 02/13/2011
OW# 1,2,3,4 (PA/EA,MC,IC,NC)

Trying to Repair...

Two Steps forward..Three steps Back.


Posts: 3 | Registered: May 2011
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, May 19th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks whatRwords, and sorry to hear about your painful journey.

The PA was with OW1 for 4 months, back in early 2008, plus the paid for massages with OW2, in, which I count as PA even if not actual sex - it was physical intimacy.I think that WS thinks that if he isn't putting bits of him into bits of these women, then it isn't an A, which is how he justifies the secret liaisons as being "nothing" because they are not sex.

However, that said, I do take on board what you say, I do need to know the truth, but I am now at the point where I am not sure I believe anything he says.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
takilasunrise
♀ Member
Member # 29786
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, May 23rd (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Though I've discussed it in the other sections here on SI, it feels a little "safer" here, admitting to being married to a "serial cheater" and still wanting to stay in the marriage.

My WH is now living with OW #3, but there have been more OW than that. This has basically taken place over a 2 year span. The first was a one year LTA. We had separated for a few months a few months into the affair, which is when they got their own place (she divorced her husband for him). He returned home after things weren't working out, but the affair continued. After he got caught red-handed (D-Day #1) we attempted R, but then Oct. of last year, about 3 1/2 months after D-Day #1, he decided he wanted to separate again because he couldn't handle how I was handling it. But about a month after D-Day #1, I could tell he was back in "cheating mode". Sometime after the beginning of the year, he moved in with ONE of his OW while probably still seeing others....but NOT me, though through the little communication we had, he told me he still loved me and wanted to work it out, but no actions to back it up. Then in April, he and the OW he was living with must have gotten into something (she contacted me afterwards and said he was still in contact with the LTA OW, though I think it was to cover up his contact with me and the other GF), and she got an RO against him. I found out about the RO and confronted him with it and he still denies the real reason for it (more lies, of course). She told me he moved in with the other GF, which I had already found out through my other resources. Again, I subtly bring it up to him....lies and denials. He lives about 80 miles away, so it's easy to maintain his lies, at least in his mind.

Anyway, between the RO OW and the current "roommate" (which that one has been going on since last summer), he must have started feeling regrets and for about 2 weeks, he was actually starting to talk about reconciling, but then, "poof", he stopped because he slipped right back into the fog.....

I absolutely know I'm doing everything wrong. I try 180, but then I start having anxiety issues after a couple of days of no contact, then I break down and contact him. I filed for divorce in March (first hearing next week, takes 6 months to be final in my state) but that didn't rock him at all. I kick myself everyday for not sticking to what I should have been doing from the beginning. All because I still love the man that I married, not the man that he has become the last 2 years.....

[This message edited by takilasunrise at 6:34 AM, May 23rd (Monday)]


BW - Me, 49 years old
WH - Him, 51 years old)
D-Day July 2010 (several D-days to follow)
Divorced February 7, 2012

Denial isn't the way to forgiveness. The Karma for screwing over a good girl is the Bitch you end up with.


Posts: 978 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: WI
phoenix_vs
♀ Member
Member # 29193
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, May 26th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I'm here, too. I don't have anything much to add, I'm just really, really sad today. Add to this he's an alcoholic. A charming, handsome, kind (on the surface) alcoholic who needs occasional fixes of attention from other women. Probably not PA anymore due to the effects of treatment for prostate cancer. But who knows. Today is just a sad day for some reason.


I'm not sad that you lied to me. I'm sad that I can never believe you again.

Well, I'm sad that you lied to me, too.


Posts: 371 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Great Falls Montana
Whisperingwillow
♀ Member
Member # 24550
Default  Posted: 3:53 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double whammy. WS spoke to OW1 & OW4 yesterday. He didn't tell me, I found out by checking his call history. He denied and lied until the truth came out.

Just after things started to seem better, after some good MC and a bit of QT and mending, he has to sabotage everything again, risking so much for so little.

So yes, my trust for WS did seem to be coming out of its coma, but it was a just some reflex twitching, false hope. The life support machine may well have to be switched off; time will tell.


Me: BS 57 Him: WS 57 Child: DD 20
Multiple DDays/TT 28 April 2008 onwards. OW1 -PA 5 months, EA 2 years. OW 2 a prostate he paid to touch him PA. Then there was inappropriate friendship/flirtation with OW3. Current EA with OW 4 since 2010 whic

Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: London, England, UK
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 4:33 AM, May 31st (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi to all here

Haven't got any words of wisdom or encouragement just want to let you know you have been heard.

I too am a little sad tonight

HUGS to all

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
Ghostwalker
♀ Member
Member # 31991
Default  Posted: 6:39 AM, June 4th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your club has a new member... After six weeks of TT, and my uncovering more incriminating information, WH now admits to 4 sexual affairs in 2 years. I'm still not sure I know all of it.

I thought we were on the road to R, when I discovered the 4th OW, which he claims he "forgot". I died a little because he had claimed full disclosure. Now I know I can't believe a word he says and I'm back to feeling hopeless. I told him this would be a dealbreaker, so now what?

I told him I want a divorce, but the truth is I just wanted it to work out. My therapist told me I'm too angry right now to make any permanent decisions, so I'll wait. WH seems crushed -- and it snapped him out of the fog, for sure. He doesn't want to end the marriage and said he'll do whatever it takes. I want to believe him.

Thank you for all your stories. It seems an impossible hurdle to overcome multiple betrayals, but I'm happy to see some are doing just that. It gives me hope. And hope is what I need right now...


This is the Hour of Lead --
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons, recollect the Snow --
First -- Chill -- then Stupor -- then the letting go --

Posts: 1089 | Registered: Apr 2011
timestandsstill
♀ Member
Member # 29921
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, June 6th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why do I still care and why does a new A still get to me?

I *know* that the only route for us is divorce between the multiple As and the verbal abuse.

It's still so hard losing someone I once saw as a partner, closer to me than anyone else. He agreed not to be involved with anyone else while we were still living together, but went ahead anyhow. After those nights (I didn't know until a few days later that it had turned into another PA), he would come home to me and try to get me to make love to him, which we haven't done since D-day #3.

It seemed ridiculous that he would have so many A's; deciding to D became the obvious answer - I didn't even have to think about it. I was doing ok, trying to plan things out, but D-day #4 has really rattled me.

It just feels like everything has gone wrong, like this was never the life that was *meant* to happen. We have a wonderful DS together, and I just don't understand why WH would do what he did, again and again, knowing how much it hurt.


Me, BS 37
Him, WH 40
DS 12
Together 17 years
2010-2011: Serial As and false Rs
Sept 2011: Moved in with latest OW, 21
OC born June 2012

Posts: 159 | Registered: Oct 2010
Laura28
♀ Member
Member # 28997
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, June 8th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

timestandsstill

Just read your profile

HUGs honey

Laura


Married 30yrs Me BW 57Yrs Him FWH 59yrs
OWzero 1988 EA?/PA? Gaslighted.
Dday May 28 2010.
OW1 1994(6mths PA, EA til dday).
OW2 2002(8yrs PA).
OW3 2009(1Yr PA).
Others???? Status: Not Divorcing..but.."You can't unfuck the goat"

Posts: 2729 | Registered: Jul 2010 | From: Australia
markswife
♀ Member
Member # 6719
Default  Posted: 1:48 AM, June 9th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hahaha! Geez. I think I have most of you beat. Let me see. W
I know of at least 7 affairs. My husband was a pretty busy man. They were almost all LTAs. Can you believe it?!

I'm finally getting serious about divorce. I feel better than I have in a long time.


Wondering what is wrong with me. Why don't I leave?

Posts: 353 | Registered: Mar 2005 | From: Allen, Texas
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