"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." But what truly matters is what *you* think." Dr. Seuss
AP #1 - EA with a "friend" and coworker. We had been dating 3 years at that time. Lasted a few months.
AP #2 - "Sexting" with a girl he met online more than 13 years ago (before we met). She would text him about her sexual exploits with other men (not H though), and H became "intrigued" by her discussions of sex acts that I wouldn't do with him (and he says he wouldn't want to actually engage in either). He confessed to this one freely when I learned of AP #3. To my knowledge, he has ended that affair and cut her off permanently.
AP #3 - OEA with a girl he played video games with over the internet. Their EA lasted around 6 months before I caught him. He has been struggling to go NC with her. He stupidly thinks he can still be friends with her, and just go back to "how it was with her before the EA". But he does it in secret... which means he's still cheating! Hoping he wakes the eff up before I give up and leave.
Fully in R! (and successful Retrouvaille "grads"!)
I just don't know how anyone could find the time!!
Looking back at dates, 3 of them overlapped. 3 OW plus me. That's a crowded room, let me tell you.
Good God... I just can't believe it although I know it's true.
It's been a long, rough road.
Glad there was a pot of gold.
Many woman over a period of 5 years. They were mostly not "significant" until the last one who he had a real affair (he says E/A only, I am not convinced).
I have not the "teeth" to insist upon the truth at this time but will do so in the future, I think.
How are you all?
Self-deception- is literally a matter of deceiving oneself- and thus raises unique questions.
How can one deceive himself-unless he already knows-what it is that he is deceiving himself about?
It seems that my H having been with so many other AP's that it makes it almost impossible for me to get past them. There are just so many women to have them about. Grrr!!!
~ From my pain comes wisdom ~
If he is sincere, the first year is the worst, I think so you might have gotten through some ofthe worst but...some people have more PTSD than others.
Are you in IC? A good book is by ORTMAN, PostInfidelity Stress Disorder. I am five years out but had 2 d-days and a lot of TT and a lot of difficulty with H, but it is finally better, but still sometimes have nightmares. depends on a lot.
No, I am not in IC any longer. Was for a while and reached a point where I felt comfortable quiting. Perhaps I need to reconsider that... .
My H has been extremely remorseful and is doing everything "right" (transparency, accountability for where he's at, etc), yet I still find myself struggling with mind movies and sometimes a lot of anger.
I will look for the book that you've suggested and see if it can help shed some light. I know the greatest healer is TIME, but just wanted to see if what I'm experiencing is still within the "normal" range...if there is such a thing.
Again, thanks for your response.
He did recently admit to another ONS about 17 years ago..I was pregnant with our 3rd son.
It has only been a week and I feel like I don't care about ant of them. I am numb. I am not angry or hurt like dday 1.
Maybe that will change but I am not sure that I can even attempt to R right now. I am just in a holding pattern and he is trying to show me he has changed and gets it. Not likely.
FOR FUCKS SAKE!
April started searching in earnest took until July to find everything I felt was enough to confront with.
I recovered the "c" drive to find everything that was deleted, downloaded and de-coded the Yahoo IM archives. Figured out the security question answers to 1 of 2 email accounts. Found emails, IM's, pictures, Opened every folder and found everything.
Hit him between the eyes with it July 18th 2010.
I then proceeded to email all of the OW's and introduce them to each other and I introduced myself as the cold-hearted bitch that he was was forced to put up with. Wanted them all to know he wasn't that "lonely" as he had so many "friends" he was being kept company by. Oh and hacked the cell phone as well although couldn't get into the voice mail and text messages. But #'s were stored from and to.
Made him cancel email account, get new cell phone and #. Made him delete everything off computer, Delete all profiles, etc. Took until recently for all of this to happen. He kept dragging his feet. Felt he was doing enough..etc, TT on and off. Kept digging because 1+1 didn't =2.
Couldn't understand and still doesn't really why I need to talk about A. Why I need details etc. Of course it's my fault I was cold, our relationship etc. Well WTF I was in same exact relationship...I didn't cheat.
Recently found more IM archives but couldn't de-code them they were corrupt files on old computer but were from 05 & 06. So this has been going on for most of the time we've been married.
He says no sex, only fondling, kissing, talking etc...YEA RIGHT!
Really, is that ALL it was?!!
He says he's trying. I see some changes but not enough for me to start believing again. And why am I now all of a sudden so special and not the Demon spawn from hell that I have been ?
I doubt everything especially my own judgement. I trigger constantly, at this point the sadness is almost gone and have just been mad as hell, I wake up some days just wanting to spit nails and shit razor wire.
I've lost 20lbs, I've had a bad case of shingles, not to mention the tension headaches and stomach issues from the stress.
I snap at my poor DS sometimes and have almost no patience. I feel like shit after I holler at him. we have tried to keep things from him but it's hard in an apartment,
DD is at College out of state and has thankfully been spared the drama.
Thank goodness I am employed and like my job or I would have lost my mind without it.
I'm sure I forgot a lot but ask away if you want more info.
P.S. My brain will run way ahead of my fingers so I may edit a lot.
Hugs to you. It sounds like your WS is still defensive and blaming everyone else but himself. Please read up on the 180. Please know that your husband is trying to avoid the deep shame he is feeling about having to set up a profile for himself on Tagged: issues of pride, shame, self-dislike must all be at play. But they are his issues and you are not his mother. Now it is really important for you to detach and realise he was trying to fill a void, (literally that - an absence of self) in himself, and that nothing you could have done would have filled that. Focus now on what you want from your life, and who you want to be. It is of course important for all of us BSs to try to walk a mile in our WS's shoes (not literally) to try to 'understand' and accept. But that understanding is their job, only they can do it. Your WS does not yet realise how much he 'effed' up something precious - himself, as well as your M; for now, you can only be precious to yourself, and for yourself: his actions, now, and then, do not define you - YOU define you. Day by day, one step at a time. YOU are still there, even in absolute darkness, you and all your senses and you can breathe, and you can even sing. And you can listen. Listen well, you can learn many things.
My WW has had at least 2 PAs that she admits to (because I caught her)and tends to confuse friendships and EAs. I spent waayyyy too much time putting out fires and decided it was not worth it. We are still married, but only because she is classic cake eater, text book in fact and I can't bare to hurt my kid and since my lawyer told me I would never get them unless she gives them up, I am temporarily stuck in limbo. In a way I don't mind, my life is richin other ways and my kids deserve a chance at happiness, so I can put mine on hold for a while.
Don't be afraid to reach out when you need help, I used to be, but it is better to have support.
Have a lawyer if need be, hoping for a better tomorrow
We have been separated since the discovery and in MC with a very wise and helpful nouthetic counselor. I have my ups and downs and some days reconciliation seems possible and others it doesnt. Its definitely a rollercoaster of emotions and I wish it could just be more clear whether or not I should reconcile. The problem for me is, even if he legitimately changes and becomes the man I thought I had and who I need and want, can I go back to the relationship knowing what I know?
"Pain if inevitable but Misery is a choice"
Two beautiful kids with a third on the way
1 PA, numerous online incidents
What are you willing to accept?