many of the things you say are common to my situation. I don't think my cheater is a SA, and like your WS, I believe that if he says he will quit that he will. He has done it with smoking, and can be very self disciplined when it comes to building his physique. PM me if you want to talk, or reply on here, I just may not see it for a while unless I can figure out how to get email notifications, which I have had for other posts!
Hi, your comments to weepy caught my attention. You said your WS suddenly decided to get help and "stopped pinning things on you" or something to that effect. You may have a man like mine I'm thinking.
Can you tell me how he came to the realization that he needed to get help? My man won't listen to any of my concerns without pointing the finger back at me. On one hand he says he did the wrong thing in choosing to fuck escorts 6 times and one woman from adult friend finder, but in everyday conversations, all our fights are directed back at my behaviour, never his.
Just curious about your story. Post on here or PM me if you can please?
I love this!!
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off!
Made me smile today, this hard day... :)
You should check out the passive-aggressive thread on this ICR forum.
Your WS may be P-A. He is blameshifting. It is his way of avoiding the unpleasant feelings that come with taking responsibility for his own actions. I've posted extensively about this. My WS has been helped a lot by our MC.
Separated, divorcing, moving on.
I edit because I always make typos.
Thank you for your comment. I will search that thread out on here and read it. Blameshifting hey? I think that's what the counsellors we saw also indicated, although they didn't call it that and they didn't mention passive-aggressive.
Thanks again, I will read it.
He also told me that he didn't go through with it with the last one because his guilt was getting the better of him and he was realizing he had to stop...
PM me if anyone has had similar experiences, please.
As many of you I've been through all the circles of Hell dealing with his bullshit and lies! I have a lot of questions that most likely I'll never get answers too... and it seems somedays like he just expects me to be 'over it'.
Today is NOT a good day! I've had to start medication for depression and anxiety, which adds to my anger!
His last PA ended up being a psycho-stalker! We had to get a no contact/restraining order which she violated! We went to court yesterday for her pre-trial hearing and she decided to take this to trial. She called our house from her cell phone, police documented the phone number and arrested her, but she is prolonging this to get at me! I'm so tired of this shit! I take one step forward and two steps back! When does it end? This shit should have never affected me and my life and personal safety but his selfishness has brought this crazy person into MY life! UGHHHHHH I'm so angry!!!
WH comes from a long line of liars and cheats etc. His mother cheated, all of his brothers have cheated and they have been married numerous times. ALL of them have been taught to do what they want and when/if they get caught, to take the spouse for everything they can get.
We married when I was young. (Too young) He is 8 years older than me. Looking back, I do think he knew exactly what he was looking for in a wife. Love had nothing to do with it. Too bad I didn't see it that way then. His mother had groomed all of her sons to find a wife who would take care of them.
Lucky me! I fit the bill. I am a hard worker (That would come in handy since no one in his family likes to work) I am/was devoted. I am responsible (that also came in handy since none of them can balance a check book, or pay their bills on time, not to mention their/WH credit is for crap) Oh, WH is right up there with the greatest of bullshitters. If you met him, you would think this man is so successful.If people only knew!
Truth is, I worked my butt off to keep us afloat while he showboated around. I guess he thought no one noticed or knew.
All the OW (they all wanted to be provided for with no effort on their part) were around because he lied to them and led them to believe that he was the "$ucce$$ful" one. He told the OW3 that 1) he was the reason we were able to build our house. Truth is, his credit was so horrible that he isn't even on the mortgage note. 2) He told OW he had to buy another truck in order to pull the big ole 5th wheel he bought. Truth is, his parents co-signed with him to buy it "without my knowledge". Later the truck was repossessed. The 5th wheel is next. My credit won't be affected so let him and his parents deal with it. 3) He told OW that he was a land owner. Truth is, my family owns the land that he likes to tell others is his. In fact, the house is built on my family's land. Duh, guess OW never thought to check the public records. She was stupid enought to tell others that she would be living in the house with my WH.
I could go on and on. Most days, I simply tolerate the man. Once in a blue moon, I think I catch a glimpse of hope...unfortunately, if I wait long enough he screws that up.
For the longest time, I wanted him to morph into the man I thought he was a long long time ago. Now, I realize in all liklihood it ain't gonna happen.
[This message edited by iamsofedup at 12:17 PM, July 18th (Saturday)]
His first affair was 10 years into our marriage and we had one daughter. I'm pretty sure that one lasted about 2 years and he almost left, but couldn't do it. Back then, I was young and hung onto him for dear life. I was depressed for a year and just shut down completely. Our daughter was around 10 at the time and I still carry guilt about the way I handled myself. I was so pathetic and kind of ignored her emotionally. I still cry sometimes when I think of the damage that was probably done to her back then.
Fast forward to now, WH is in another affair with a woman at work. They have been going strong for about 6 years, as far as I can gather. Our second daughter is 10 and I think it started when she was about 4. At least, that's when I started getting a gut feeling about things. I finally had proof a couple of years ago. He cried, swore he would end it and promised to be a better husband and father. I thought things were going well, and then found MORE evidence. Had another D-Day about 4 months later and he "cried and swore he would be the husband that I deserved if I would just give him another chance." Well, here I am, and I have enough evidence to know that they are still involved.
It's so strange this time around. I think I have just shut my emotions down. Either that, or I truly don't give a crap any longer. I think it's the latter. Everytime I find something else, and I feel so disappointed, I don't even feel like crying. I'm just done. Is that normal? Is there something wrong with me? I know that I have totally fallen out of love with him. He has killed that a long time ago. Now, I just want to end this and walk through that ring of fire.
I am so scared that I can't even begin to think that I can do this. I went back to school when I discovered the second affair. I took my national cert. exam and failed it. I have to study again and retry. I haven't worked since we married. He didn't want me to. How funny, he wanted the traditional wife, but he screwed around with all the working women. What a cliche I am...SAHM with the WH who everybody knows about.
Anyway, that's my story and I hope I haven't bored you all to tears. I think that more than anything, I am hoping that someone can help me along with some advice on how to move past this fear. Are there any other previous SAHM's who got out of the M and got a job and are making it? How did you do it and have faith in yourself? TIA!
WH has had 2 A's, that I know of and still in LTA.
I'm not a SAHM, but I know there are several who have made it on their own. I would suggest you see an attorney and discuss your issue. Depending on your state, there are huge variations of what SAHM's are entitled to. An attorney can spell everything out for you
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
but that's how he attracts some of his OW too. flashing his parents money, (that they don't really have a lot of anymore thanks to the blood sucking kids)
but anyways, my SO had 5 As, as far as i know. does he care? i don't think so. he always says "i've already said i'm sorry." yea cause once is enough. and when i ask him how he feels about the As, it's all about him. nothing about how he hurt me. or even how he hurt the OW who didn't know about me (some kind of remorse for anyone other than himself.)
i don't know if i can truly move past it. i think he's a serial cheater and will never change. and the only reason he's doing this act now is because of my baby (can't wait until shes born ) his whole deal is he wants to appear as a normal, successful, yada yada adult. appearances are EVERYTHING to him. being from LA and growing up around the film industry i guess..... it's not about the appearances being tru. no. he can be whomever he wants as long as his appearances never change.
shallow asshole. (my 4th dday anniversarys coming up, can you tell?) seriously after seeing what the first one did why continue and find new ones?!
I know he has self-esteem issues, and these affairs revolved around being needed by these OW. He is deeply involved with OW#3, who is married, and desperately trying to get him to dump me and be with her. He is allowing this to happen as he is 'too weak to let go'.
I have asked him to leave and I am not sure at this point if I am willing to do anything to save the marriage. We have kids, but I don't think they will be too upset, as he has been living the 'single man trapped in a married man's body' lifestyle for several years.
Since he started these affairs, he has changed. He became cold, emotionally distant, angry at the kids and I about small stuff, selfish, and arrogant.
Now that he is out, I thought he would be happy since he could be with his 'soul-mate' but he is trying to come back. He thinks we will talk and he will be home in a week or so, but he is still in contact with OW#3. I really think he wants to keep us both, but I'm not willing to play that game and he is getting upset. I also don't trust him anymore, and I don't know if I even love him, after all the crap he has put me through. I'm planning on telling him to just get the rest of his stuff and go.
I wish I knew why he tries to make me feel guilty by telling me he 'wants his family back' when he is still lying and carrying on with OW#3. Was anyone else told that the affair was only for sex, not love, therefore it was meaningless? We were having sex regularly, so he was not going without. Not sure why he had to go elsewhere as well, unless its to do with his low self-esteem.
I'm just sick of all the drama and I don't know if I care enough to save this marriage.
I'm sorry. I am also married to a serial cheater. I am sorry you're going through this. Is this very recent? If so, make sure you read in the healing library to increase your chances for R if that's what you want. Sending you many hugs and prayers. You are not alone.
Multiple affairs are often a sign of sex addiction.
There's a forum for spouses & partners of SAs in the I can Relate forum. You may want to check it out. Also, if there's an S-Anon meeting or COSA group in your area, you will find lots of support there.
My fSAWH has been sober in SA & AA for 16 months. He is a completely different person. My S-Anon program is helping me deal with the grief and be open to the possibility of having a relationship with this new man.
Recovery is possible but there are no guarantees.
Hang in there. Feel free to PM me.
D-Day #2 was 11 months after #1, and I'm still in shock. I see no remorse or commitment to working on R.
I feel for you all, and I'm thankful that you have shared your stories. I find strength in your posts.
i had 2 lta, one for about 30 years and antother for 12, i also had a 15 encounter and the last one where i text lot and met up with ow 2 times in one week but made attempts almost everday of that week. only d-day stopped me from going further with last ow.
i also over my 20 plus years of marriage was unsuccessful with 2 ow. however, while i walk the street from and to the train or riding on the train, i would wonder if a women i am looking at would or who i smiled at would have sex with me.
also, real big, i fantisied in bed using my wife.
can anyone tell me if this sounds like a sex addict or was i just lost (without knowing it) in my issues.
God bless those of you who may be in or on your way to R. I envy you.