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User Topic: Multiple Affairs
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

do those of you in R with a multiple affair husband use condoms during sex? It seems the risk of HIV would be much higher (as I prepare to go get tested. Although R seems SUPER unlikely at this point, if we did R I'd be terrified he'd slip and I'd end up with HIV...


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 863 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
2Lost
♀ Member
Member # 21087
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Weepy, for everything! Your story inspires me.

I do think it's a good thing that he found SI (on his own, right around the time I did!) and I do think that he is being completely legitimate in his posts.

i think that my conflict is that i had always said after the last time that if he effed up again, that was it. i didn't realize that in the 7 years since that last affair, we would grow so close and i would fall in love with him all over again.

and, this is the first time that he has been so diligent in getting help for himself to fix what is obviously broken. he is not pinning a damned thing on me or the relationship. so, do i owe it to MYSELF to give that another go?

i know that i have to come up with these answers for myself. it's just so difficult when my heart is so smashed into shards. i know that you know what i mean!


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i didn't realize that in the 7 years since that last affair, we would grow so close and i would fall in love with him all over again.

2, we also had that, but it wasn't the revelation of an affair that caused it. That's what makes this so much sadder... 3 years wasted that could have been great. Well, on top of the 10 he wasted.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 11:57 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Careerlady,

My wife did not use protection with any of her OM

We have both been tested, and by the grace of God are clean. We were able to R


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35284 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
kiko
♀ New Member
Member # 20461
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I, i am a rookie + i speak a poor english but i really need the wisdom of some you.

I have 2 questions:

1. Did your spouse cheated in the beginning of the relashionship ? I mean the first 3 years.

2. I feel that i'm stock with a serial cheater and even if he is promising me and doing the right thing i am scared to fing xxx PA many years from now. The problem is that i am not sure. I'm doubting my own jugment all the time now.

I am sure that serials cheaters are extremely really good manipulators.

So can you please give me tips to break this pattern now before its to late ? You guys know them really well so how can i just break free ?

Thank you in advance

[This message edited by kiko at 2:45 PM, October 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2008
2Lost
♀ Member
Member # 21087
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

bonjour, Kiko!
for me, my husband did cheat on me before we were ever married. at that point, he was only 17 or 18, so i thought it had to do with him being immature. evidently, he never grew out of it.

is your husband willing to go and speak to a professional therapist to get help? Unfortunately, my husband never did that, but he IS doing it now...which is the only reason I am still even entertaining the idea of reconciling with him.

i am sorry for you. i hope that i was able to help a little bit.


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Kiko

My wife cheated on me within our first year of marriage. We had known each other for about 4 years by that time. She had some unresolved issues. Now that she has worked on them, she is a different person


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35284 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
shyguy
♂ Member
Member # 18281
Default  Posted: 3:00 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust your gut feelings.


Love stinks yeah yeah(J. Geils)

Posts: 5866 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: tulsa
kiko
♀ New Member
Member # 20461
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks you,

Well in my case. For what i know, he cheated the 1st year of relationship 1 PA and 1 EA. And i tought it was because he was imature. But the last time, i saw the signs and he denied it until i found proofs and call the other woman. So i left him for a couples of weeks. He want to reconciles but do not want to see an IC. I'm trying to tell him that if he don't fix his problem he will do it again. He thinks that because this time he really understanding how his A hurts me that he won't go back to that road.

Most of the time i believe him.

But, some times like today i think that i'm dealing with a serial cheater and that i will found my self in the same place in 15 years.

So thats why i need advice.

[This message edited by kiko at 3:04 PM, October 10th (Friday)]


Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2008
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kiko,

You are correct. If he doesn't figure out the real reason why he cheated, there is a strong possibility that he will cheat again. Not everyone needs IC to accomplish this. What's he doing to prove himself?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35284 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 12:53 AM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wife did not use protection with any of her OM

We have both been tested, and by the grace of God are clean. We were able to R

Sorry, no offense, but how do you know you are not playing Russian roulette. What if she backslides? How do you KNOW you are safe to have sex with her?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 863 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:47 AM, October 11th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kiko, my H broke off an affair within 2 months of our wedding, but I didn't find out until I found out about all the others.

I made MC and IC a condition or I would not stay. We're still both in IC.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
kiko
♀ New Member
Member # 20461
Default  Posted: 8:15 AM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wifehad5

I don't really know what he's doing to prove im self. We don't leave together so i'm not with him. He's begging me to give him another chance...He's going at church and making the effort to share and confess with other brothers. Thats about it.

Its not enough for him i want him in IC.


Posts: 30 | Registered: Jul 2008
wifehad5
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 7:19 PM, October 17th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Kiko,

What does he say about IC?


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 35284 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Amandilla
♀ Member
Member # 20347
Default  Posted: 8:35 AM, January 11th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong in this group. We say that my H had 7 affairs. 6 were ONS and 1 was a year long -long distance affair. But there were also lots of women he chatted with and texted, some for a few weeks but there was one he texted for 7 months sporatically. He says he would have hooked up with her if he could have but they only texted...so is she a number 8? He also put personal aids on Craigslist. He chatted with a few on there as well. One of his ads he said he would do small plumbing jobs for sexual favors. One stripper said she would give him a blow job if he installed her dishwasher. He installed it but said he didnt get the blow job...but the flirting the banter back and forth is that number 9? There are SO many women he flirted with on myspace and texted that he doesnt even remember who they are or how many...Do we count those? If we count those then we probably have a marching bands worth of other women! But as it stands now, we are only counting the ones he touched.

We are reconciling and doing very well. But reading all the posts here in this forum is freaking me out. I believe my H has changed and I believe we have a fighting chance.


Me: BW:47
HIM:WS:39 in treatment for SA
Married 16 years
several ONS
internet flirting
1 year long distance E/PA
1 beautiful son
DD1 7/14/08 False R
DD2 8/9/08 OW exposed False R which ended A. Thanks Jen!
Our new love story in progress

Posts: 503 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: East Coast
dire straits
♂ Member
Member # 22350
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, January 23rd (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like wives who have multiple afairs are a relative rarity (compared to men who cheat over and over). In my case there were many, many other men (see my profile).

It seems my wife did not have any emotional attachment to most (perhaps all) of these scoundrels. People have suggested she could be a sex addict. The thing is, she has incredibly strong will power. When she decides to do something, it's done. If she wants to lose 10 pounds, done. She quit heavy smoking (2 packs a day) while in college, cold turkey. So I don't see an addiction ruling her. If she wanted to stop cheating, she'd have done it.

Rather, I think she simply enjoyed it and her conscience never bothered her. Now that she's been caught, she really wants to keep the marriage alive. I'm not certain she'll never cheat again, but I do believe strongly that if she wants to stop, it will stop.

My biggest issue is how she treated me with zero respect all these years. For me, respect is the most important ingredient of real love. People talk about compartmentalization, but still, in order to compartmentalize, she needed to shelve me, over and over, an action which reeks of disrespect. So the affairs did have something to do with me, whether she admits it or not. I don't buy into the whole double-life theory, because the "shelving" is so disrespectful, and for the average person, so unimaginable.

Now she's been caught, she's saying all the right things, and I think she'll really stop. But she's demonstrated such supreme selfishness with these acts, that even if she does stop I'm afraid her nature will just come out in some other nasty way instead.

Anyone else out there with this sort of situation? Huge number of cheating episodes with many different partners, but all just on a whim, because s/he simply felt like it at the time? Casual flings with random people met online, but no real sex addiction?

I see so many of you are reconciling with serial cheaters. My hat's off to you; I'm a jealous man and don't know how I possibly could.

[This message edited by dire straits at 4:08 PM, January 23rd (Friday)]


All the king's horses and all the king's men...

Posts: 215 | Registered: Jan 2009
brokenheart10
♀ Member
Member # 23603
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, April 13th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Married 13 years and found out he's been having affairs over the last 10 years. He finally admits there have been many. He's going to couseling and now tells me that he's not addicted to sex but to the high of being wanted. He's been told he has classic signs of a narcassist. Now what do I do?


me:42 BS
him:44.serial cheater
DD:12
Married: 16 years
Too many affairs
Too many false R's
D final: 10/17/11
he remarried 10/29/11

Posts: 227 | Registered: Apr 2009 | From: So. Cal
iwantamiracle
♀ Member
Member # 22812
Default  Posted: 9:41 PM, April 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

kiko.....

my wh began his first affair before i ever met him...she was married....and he never ended it, so he continued with her thru d-day, had another lta, 12 year one that also ended on d-day, and then another confirmed one that started 1 week prior to dday....

serial cheater or just a "CHEATER" and a "LIAR"...serial might work in situations like soaps, murders but not in affairs......each and every affair is a choice, and its a choice they make everyday they are in the realtionship or hide the relationship.....serial is a word that just may not fit.....but just plain simple "CHEATER'...with no excuses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


i am taking my life back, one step at a time!!!!!

Posts: 5994 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: looking for my rainbow
Zinnia
♀ Member
Member # 21679
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, April 19th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

dire straits...my WH/STBXH is very similar - he slept with many, many women throughout the last half of our marriage, some of whom were escorts (very much on a whim) and some of whom were longer-term affairs with women he met off adult dating sites or Craigslist.

The woman I ended up catching him with he claimed to be "deeply in love with" (or so he said on a rant & rave on Craigslist, bragging about how great the results of his ad in the casual encounters section was). So my situation runs the full gamut of ONSs and EA/PA.

Just like in your situation, once WH/STBXH was caught, he said all the right things, but during the entire time he cheated he had no conscience whatsoever AND he treated me very badly.

I'm not willing to R and wasn't from the first moment I caught him with the first OW. My reason for refusing R was because he was emotionally abusive and treated me so badly throughout our marriage. So the A I initially discovered was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was only afterwards that I discovered how many there actually were (and I'm still finding out).

In our case, my WH/STBXH was diagnosed with bipolar II (among other disorders) which can result in hypersexuality/grandiosity during the hypomanic phases. My WH is on a host of medications and swears he has no desire to do any of these things again but that changes nothing for me. He's been on medication before, has been in therapy before, and I personally feel that his issues go far beyond anything a pill can cure.

I am certain that if I were to R with WH/STBXH, he would stop for a while, be a "good" husband for a while, and then eventually fall back into this pattern. It's the thrill of doing something bad that excites him. The illicit nature and secretiveness of it all. I don't believe for one second that he will stop for the rest of his life. If he didn't have a conscience during the entire time he was doing these things, then he doesn't have one now. He is simply embarrassed that he got caught and doesn't want to face the consequences. Maybe he feels guilty but it doesn't matter. Guilt doesn't equal love and respect.

If it all was truly the result of mental illness, then I wish him well in his recovery and dealings in future relationships. But I'm out of this marriage.

[This message edited by Zinnia at 10:43 PM, April 19th (Sunday)]


FBW (me) - 41
Two lovely daughters - 5 and 8
Happily remarried and have a baby boy with new hubby

Posts: 205 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Colorado
sikkend
♀ Member
Member # 23698
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, July 5th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy: finally I found another person who has been cheated on with prostitutes. This is my first post in here, I have little time for searching through here and reading. I have a one-year baby girl with my cheating spouse.

What is a PA and LT?

I know what you mean... I think in a way the prostitutes aren't as destructive as a LTA, we don't have to deal with any aftermath or resistance coming from the other person, etc. But like you said, how well trained are they? Sometimes I think we figure that because they are paid they are better.... that may not be the case my dear. Our imaginations are often worse than reality -- at least in some cases... unfortunately I did stumble across some stuff while searching for one of my man's whore's email addresses (I did email her, and she replied a few times).....

I ended up in a forum for men who use escorts, and saw some of the discussions. My cheater went back to one of them (I think she was the first whore he had) at least once that I know of, her name was Mystique, and she had good reviews, that hurt. Also found out details I didn't need to know though. The others.... probably average.

Reply back, please, or PM me... I really would like someone to talk to who has gone through the same thing.


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