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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 11:42 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey everybody (Hi Weepy ), I haven't ventured in here before because I have been mostly hanging out it LTA but I just read the last couple of pages and was amazed how many of your statements rang true. My H, Emptyone in Wayward, has been unfaithful to me since before we were married. Until last year, he has been with 15+ different women, two LTAs, etc. I found out about all of this when he confessed last August. Obviously, my world dissinegrated in that moment. He is in intense IC to understand why he did what he did...here are some of his revelations.

1. Although he asked me to marry him, he realizes now that he did it to not lose me not because he really wanted to be married. We were living in separate cities and I just either wanted to work on being together or move on. So he "locked me down" through marriage but continued to feel entitled to sleep around because he was resentful that he was "trapped".

2. He has HUGE abandonment issues due to FOO and intimacy is very scary to him. Very much a strike first mentality.

3. He was very immature and very selfish. The whole world was all about what HE got out of it. He had almost no natural empathy. However, he was a fabulous actor and had everybody (not just me ) fooled about what a great guy he was - how much integrity he had.

4. He had very low self-esteem and completely fell for the ego stroking of being "wanted". He also had no idea what marriage was because both parents were drunks and fought visciously all the time.

5. He was an alcholic. Will probably always be but has (for the most part) stopped drinking. He was supplied booze and drugs by his older brother since before teenage- hood. His older brother and friends thought is was funny to get him high (on shit like heroin for christ's sake ) when he was 12.

6. He was exposed to sex at a very young age. He shared a bedroom with his older brother who would bring women into the room when my H was "asleep" and fuck them in the bed next to him. Obviously, he has some sexual issues...borderline SA with some other crap thrown in.

He is completely remorseful and is working as hard as possible on himself. I actually think he has made great strides. However, I am still waiting to see if I can move forward. I want payback, I want revenge on the LTA OW, I have a lot of anger and a lot of sadness. At least I have SI.


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo, thanks for the warm invitation. I am 1.5 year out of remorseful and redeemed FWW. We are reconciled 150%!

Before I got involved with LT xOM, (beside the fact that my PA was open to Mr.beach) I had a profile in AFF for total 4 years (2 years before and during) and 2 years after that. I had two ONS (with same person) after I ended with xOM thinking it would help me to forget xOM, but it only gave me the empty feeling inside of me. So…. I think, my sitch is qualified to contribute my insight and hope it is helpful for all of you.

I had abandonment issues from my childhood. My parents are critical of me and I was not good enough no matter what I do. I always worried about what other sees/think of me.

I never went to 12 step program or IC to overcome my core issue. Reading and posting here and abandonment support forum, helped me. Oh and the books that helped me were "Sex, Women and addiction" by Charlotte Kasl and "Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson.

I am 1.5 year out. My lifestyle changed and I am much happier. My boundary wall is up high. It gives me creepy feeling, if any guys looks at me in the sexual way now. I don't want any turn heads. I have no desire to go back to where I was.. I am not empty inside anymore and I can feel love is generating for me, thus I don't need any external validation anymore. I feel blessed every day. Starting with respecting and loving myself, appreciate what I have helped me a lot!!!

The way the OPs made FWSs feel. Many stroking egos....My XOM was out of league (younger, artistic, lean athretic, musician looks). Over time, I made him up as a fantasy boyfriend. Even though I was married, but I was thinking of myself as a wife and I was a royal girlfriend to xOP at the same time and I wanted to be connected with him 24/7. XOM's telling me we were hot looking couple and that having xOM being into me made me feel I still 'got' it, didn't help. It made me fell like I was acting in the fantasy world. Acting out with the ideal fantasy lover in the limited time, sex became intense and leaving me the feeling of wanting for more and looking forward to the next meeting. It gave me the high and was getting addictive activities for me.

Speaking from my own experience, when most FWSs were not in the normal 24/7 relationship with xAP and not in the marrieage where there is no domestic responsibilities, taking care of kids, or paying the bills, most WS tend to rominticize xAP looking through the rose colored glasses and think xAP is ideal person in their view. Limited time meetings/communication fuels the fantasy world and it enabled FWSs to perpetuate the fantasies and became the intense meeting/chat session and look forward to the next session.
I hope this makes sense.

*Healthy love isn't a secret
*Healthy love doesn't deceive anyone
*Healthy love doesn't leave you in a state of confusion

*Healthy love doesn't cause resentment
*Healthy love doesn't have you 'waiting, just in case'
*Healthy love isn't bits and pieces of your partners time

*Healthy love doesn't have you lower your expectations


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome beach and shirley... now maybe we'll get some real action going in here.

I think it's obvious our partners were struggling with demons, where they came from is beside the point. And I think, beach, my H feels quite the same as you do now. He's not looking for strokes from anyone else. However, he's not giving them to himself either. I can hear it when he talks. Even last week.... almost 7 years since his A ended, and 3 years since his last "alone time with a woman" he still hates himself so much.

I'm finding great help in the "how to fix your marriage without talking about it" book, along with the Harriett Lerner "Dance" series. They've helped me more than 2 1/2 years of MC that's for sure.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
disappointed007
♀ New Member
Member # 20371
Default  Posted: 2:42 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It has only been a little over 2 weeks since I found out about my H have 7 PA's that doesn't count all the EA's which I will never know because he doesn't think there is anything wrong there. I am having a hard time getting past the fact that he did this to me. It started 4 years ago after our D was adopted. Now I am struggling with whether to stay or go while he works in counseling.


Married 6yrs
7 OW in 4yrs
1- 4yr old daughter

Posts: 38 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: OK
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks for your input beach...great stuff about healthy love.

(((hurtshirley)))

Im glad your H is in IC. My FWH learned so much about himself and the whys there.

Sometimes I look at all his progress and I am so happy about that, but also I realize just how stuck I am.....he is moving forward and I am stuck.

I say to myself...just accept the things that have happened...you can't change it, and there is nothing that FWH can do to take it back ....I really can't think of anything he could do that would make it all better for me. He is doing all that he can.

But I struggle along, pushing back the bad thoughts and memories, comparing myself to the OW and coming up short, fearing everytime FWH has a bad day that he is slipping back into the old behaviours.

I just want peace....I am praying for it. I don't want all these crappy memories and hurtful feelings.

[This message edited by cleo at 4:15 PM, July 31st (Thursday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

weepy....I am going to look at the books you suggested....I also am going to do the Beth Moore Breaking free studies as soon as I find a church that is doing that.

((((disappointed007))))

So sorry you find yourself here.....2 weeks is such a short time ago, you are still probably reeling and it is hard to make decisions when your emotions are up and down. keep reading here and posting. There are lots of wise people here.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
hurtshirley
Member
Member # 16197
Default  Posted: 4:31 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I say to myself...just accept the things that have happened...you can't change it, and there is nothing that FWH can do to take it back ....I really can't think of anything he could do that would make it all better for me. He is doing all that he can.

But I struggle along, pushing back the bad thoughts and memories

Cleo - this is exactly where I am. He can't do more but I am stuck. I think he "owes" me but when he asks what he can do I don't have an answer. I just want everyone to suffer as much as I am. Not very nice but the truth.

D007 - at your stage I couldn't even function, type, eat. I had to remind myself to breathe. You are so fresh. He will take time to come out of the fog of who he was and what he did. The fact that he doesn't think the EAs were a problem tells me he has a long way to go. (((((D007)))))


"Forgiveness is the grace by which you enable the other person to get up, and get up with dignity, to begin anew" Desmond Tutu

Posts: 2170 | Registered: Sep 2007
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:35 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, cleo and thanks for the welcome, weepy.

(((disappointed))) I am so sorry.....


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
beach
♀ Member
Member # 7533
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was responding this to someone and I thought this maybe insightful....

I was in the cocoon (having a celibacy from former A lifestyle) phase to prepare to be virgin again for my H. I even avoided all sexy stuffs (sex scene on TV and movie) that triggerd/reminded my wild A lifestyle. For the first 6 months, if I see those reminder, it made me miss the xOM, after that 6 months period, it made me sick. I finally regained the thought about looking nice for me and my H. What helped me was I just needed to reconnect myself and need to be able to feel comfortable in my own skin. And then I was able to learn how to love and respect myself.


ETA: Oh and I changed my lifestyle, such as uninstalled IM, stopped watching junk TVs (dramas, primetime soap), because it perpetuated the junky mind.. That also helped me.

[This message edited by beach at 11:57 AM, August 1st (Friday)]


If you don't find peace with yourself, you cannot find anywhere else.
Appreciate and cherish what I have.

Posts: 8680 | Registered: Jul 2005 | From: midwest
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:52 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for sharing that beach.

I know my FWH has made some lifestyle changes and boundary changes that have reshaped the way he looks at life and himself....for the better.


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, August 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, I have been thinking about the concept of lumping all the As into one to cope, but I guess the problem I am having with that is this covers almost 10 years of my marriage(the women I know about anyway)

I really mourn all those years, and go back and forth from wanting to excise them from my memory...but then all the good things with my kids happened during that time too.

I also think it is hard for me to do it because with two of the OW I found out and he promised not to do it again. But he went ahead and had As with more women anyway. So there is that extra measure of conscious thought that went into the decisions on his part.

Anyone have some other successful coping measures in regards to dealing with this??


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
b3tr4y3d
♀ Member
Member # 19369
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, August 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I belong here. I found out this weekend that my H has been cheating since we were newlyweds. :( I'm not ready to rehash everything I learned this weekend.. but I know you all can relate so I wanted to drop in and say hello!


"It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end."~Douglas Adams

Married 13 Yrs
Me-BS 39 (EEK)
Him-WH 41 (D1rtyCh34t3r)
2 Boys 6 & 8
Ddays- April 28, May 2, August 1 & 2, 2008
Status: Reconciliation in progress


Posts: 1592 | Registered: May 2008 | From: Houston, TX
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 9:37 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((b3tr4y3d)))

I know you are hurting...hang in there


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
Simple
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 7:57 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Cleo and others, "feeling owed" is really big on people who is BS and especially if they have to deal with multiple EA/PA's after so many years.

However, this can be destructive in the R process. There is NOTHING they can do to make it up. All WS can do is be the spouse they are supposed to be from here on out.

11 years is a lot, if you know my story, I share the same with you. However I try to look at it this way, my H and I have many more years ahead of us especially if you include eternity if you believe that families are forever.

The love bank just needs to get filled and that takes time. Plus we have to make sure we allow our WS to actually deposit in it. Give them an environment so they feel they are investing in something good. Positive reinforcement is good for the heart. It helps our WS with their motivation to do what's right.

Don't get me wrong, I have the same negative thoughts and vengeful feelings like others. I just want to share what I try to argue in my mind to hopefully stem the nastiness that I know is NOT me and will never be the new me.


Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.


Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
vengefulbiatch
♀ Member
Member # 20473
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in my H has been with 5 OW in our 13 yr marriage that I am aware of as far as PA I suspect other EA's as well 4 were just flings 1 was a 2 yr LTA


"I Never Dreamed Home Would End Up Where I Don't Belong...I'm Moving On"
Me 37 BW
Him 37 WH
Divorced 2010... Tried to reconcile in 2011 currently separated

Posts: 246 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Alabama
2Lost
♀ Member
Member # 21087
Sad  Posted: 7:56 PM, October 1st (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here, too. In the 21 years that my husband and i have been a couple, there has to have been at least a dozen girls. i don't think that all of the affairs resulted in actual sex, but that doesn't matter, does it? enough of them did!

The last time I kicked him out for about 7 months or so, and after the initial 3 months, he started to really act like he screwed up and knew it. So, eventually, i let him worm his way back into my heart. And, honestly, these past 5 years have been wonderful. I did have some depression and anxiety issues and then some problems being sexual with him (gee, go figure!) but eventually, I worked through it ALL so that we could recommit. I was so happy.

Then, last December, I found some pix from a girl at his office. She was wearing a white tank top w/no bra. The pix were obvious in their intent. I blew a fuse! He said then that he sees that he was getting ready to fall into the same patterns, and thankfully he didn't and it's over and how could he and omg. i also phoned her and demanded that she realize that he was married, she was married, and take this chance and run with it.

fast forward to a few months ago when their 'flirtation' started up again on cigarette breaks at work. oh, and let me mention, he only goes into the office 2 effing days a week. well, on august 7, she invited him to her sister's apt. so that they could fulfill their fuckfest.

her husband let me know on sept. 11. my world is a shambles. i cannot believe that he fucking pulled the wool over my eyes AGAIN. what does that say about me?!? I believed him!~ I wanted to believe in him.

Now, he is out of the house again. our 8 year old realizes that his daddy 'broke a big rule in marriage'...this is the first time he is looking for help from IC, this is the first time he is trying to see my pain. but, when do you get too the 'just too damned late' point?!? i honestly think i should have crossed that point YEARS ago.


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
careerlady
♀ Member
Member # 16958
Default  Posted: 2:23 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

this is where I belong as well. Although I only now for sure about one EA/PA, I'm now certain that other "just friends" were also affairs. I thought he was a flirt (who I tried to educate) but that he would never take it that far. I don't get how a man who everyone says adores me, treated me so well (otherwise!), and constantly planned for our future together could have been systematically pursuing (at least he did the OW that confirmed the PA for me) and seducing multiple women all this time. What is the motivation? He doesn't even seem to care about the? I'm not even sure these type of WSs could be trusted to stop, because if not one it's another, right? So for those in R, how do you know he's really changed?


Me (BS, 35); The Snake (WS, 36) 13yrs together; 1 baby boy (DOB 7/12)
Serial cheater-Multiple OWs, Multiple D-Days
Divorcing! Stupid in house separation though

Posts: 864 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Northern California
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 9:09 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but, when do you get too the 'just too damned late' point?!?

2, my point is if I see ANY questionable or objectional behavior around women. I mean a ride home, touching, talking without my presence... anything. That's my "enough" point right now. I will not allow myself to be fooled again.

career, I know my H has changed because his attitude has, for the most part. He has his slips and his avoidance and his anger issues still. But instead of getting a response like "oh dear, what can I do to fix this for you, what did I do to make you so angry and upset, what do I need to change?" He's now getting met with "Your problem" from me. I've had to force him to face that it's HIM making issues, not me.

I just keep an eye on him. And he makes himself as transparent as he can.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
2Lost
♀ Member
Member # 21087
Default  Posted: 9:31 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah, Weepy, thanks for the response!

i'm so stuck right now. how do i think about R with a man who consistently flirted with, kissed, called, emailed, FUCKED other women? How do I consider R with a man who, for years, put me down, 2nd, fortieth, effing LAST on his list??? how do i stay in love with a man who has forsaken me, my love, OUR CHILD for the cheap thrills of a dirty whore? How could i possibly still be in love with a man who told someone other than me (and with him, it was many someones) that he loved them... whether or not he meant it????

but, how do i walk away from the man i have loved these many long, tiring years? how do i start over at almost 42? how do i give up everything i fought so vehemently for? uproot my son? go where...to my mom's house?!?

sweet Jesus, the pain in my heart is so intense...i know i don't have to tell any of you about it.

and, then, look at his posts (Ipsiad) and the way he is FINALLY striving to fix what is wrong with himself. Fix what he did to our family. FINALLY trying to see the absolute and horrifying pain that I have lived in for all of these years.

i'm exhausted. i wish that it was easier. i thank you for just listening and being around!


(me)BS 47
(him)FWH 44<Ipsiad>
together 26 years, married 18
Beautiful DS 14

Trying, once again, to make a go of it.


Posts: 369 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Hell
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, October 10th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

2, I think it is very telling that he's on this site. He won't get coddled or be allowed on if he's acting inappropriately. Believe me, this former WS are smart. Rarely are they fooled. If he suddenly doesn't think SI is the place for him, then I'd say that was a red flag.

I don't know how you really look at the multiples, the years and ever think "Now, isn't he just the greatest?"

I was talking to a dear, dear friend last night who has known my H for over 40 years. I said to her "you are my hero. you left your good for nothing first husband with two kids to support, no house ( because her H put it into forclosure ) fought alcoholism and won, beat lung cancer and found an amazing man at age 48." Her second husband loves her, she loves him, and on top of that he's loaded. I told her she gave ME hope.

I found out about my H's affairs when I was 51 years old. We'll be married 30 years next July. My ONLY family is his family. My kids have 18 cousins, 16 aunts and uncles, the only grandparents alive and you know what? If he did it again, I'd walk in a minute and I'd walk with my head held high and I'd TELL why. He knows that now.

I vowed I would never allow my children to grow up as I did with a father that ran around and a mother that was alternately angry and weak. She threw him out finally and the hell afterward was just as bad. So I stayed initially because of that vow to myself to take care of my kids' futures. He knew that was the only reason I stayed at first too.

But you know, he was grateful that I stayed for whatever the reason. He knew he screwed up big time, he knew he deserved me leaving, telling the world, taking his kids and I think for over a year was profoundly shocked that I stayed. I think he even tried to push me into divorce because he felt undeserving of an intact marriage.

Our spouses risked everything for nothing. They know it. And remember they have to live with that too.

Give yourself some time alone, read the 180 rules, try to focus on yourself and your child, don't rush into anything right now. Let him prove to you for as long as it takes that he's changed. If he gives up, you'll know his true character. The one thing I give my H credit for is that I blasted him every single day for over a year. Every day and he stayed and took it. That's what gave him his chance to stay. Because he absolutely refused to give up.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


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