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Newest Member: ThrownAwayTwice (43226)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
brokenwings
♀ Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, April 5th (Thursday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was wondering how many of us are separated or divorced now?

We are separated and I am still struggling as i did throughout this mess to accept what he really is....I have made one step by separating and cutting all contact except by phone.

Did anyone else have the same struggle to face reality? Just wondering....


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 7:46 AM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dealing with numbers I have, there's no choice for me but to look at his activities as "the affair period". Maybe it's compartmentalization on my part, maybe it's the only thing keeping me sane, going into a little bit of denial I guess.

I remember talking to one of H's cousins whose marriage had just broken up. She was going on and on about how she'd uncovered 5 APs, and her reaction was one of total incredulity. All I could think of "Man, I could handle if it was 5, how do you handle 50?"

Well, you handle it by making it two separate entitities, his hookers (the 50) and the LTAP. So I'm still multiple, but it keeps me from throwing up every day.

Staying married to him is the toughest challenge I've ever undertaken. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Separation and divorce run through my mind now and again, just haven't made the step yet.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
brokenwings
♀ Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 4:02 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy,

Good on for you for sticking it out, as long as your FWH is doing the work too. I just couldnt handle it any longer but find it hard to move on, its as though he has some spell over me and I am fighting to break it.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
wildbananas
♀ Member
Member # 10552
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here, too... STBX had several EAs, but thinks they don't count because he didn't have sex with them. He had one PA and one he won't cop to but I'm convinced was more than he's admitted to. All of this occured over a six-year period.

We're currently living apart with the exception of one or two days a week (long story). He wants to R. I want out.

That pretty much sums it up.


Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

Posts: 15281 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Just a Cali girl
NoTurningBack
♀ Member
Member # 11984
Default  Posted: 6:14 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My X had 3 affairs that he will admit to. One was 4-1/2 years, one 2-1/2 years and one 2 years. I have heard there were many others going back to the beginning of our marriage. It got so ridiculous I finally told people I didn't want to hear anymore. I knew enough.

As you can see, we are divorced. I didn't waste anytime. I had to file so my kids and I would be ok financially. I am not sorry I divorced him. I am sure in time more and more of his activities will come out.

I am having difficulty dealing with all of it. I still feel like I love him and cannot figure out why in the world I feel that way. I am hoping in time to reach indifference toward him.


Me BS (50)
Him XH (48)
T 24 years
M 23-1/2 years
2 Wonderful Sons (22 & 19)
D-Day 9/2/06
Filed for D 9/7/06
Divorce final 10/23/06

Posts: 189 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: Arkansas
brokenwings
♀ Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 6:39 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is what I am struggling with, how do you stop loving them after everyhting we have been subjected to trying to cope with MA? Should we not automatically hate them for this repeated betrayal and emotional battering?


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
singintheblues
♀ Member
Member # 12897
Default  Posted: 7:23 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH has admitted to at least 5 As over the past 17 years of marriage. Like brokenwings, I am still hanging on and probably living in denial a bit. We are separated, but because we have 3 young kids, we see each other all the time.

Although I see him for what he is, I also see a very confused individual. He has compartmentalized his whole life, thanks to a very dysfunctional upbringing. Lots and lots of counseling and reading have helped me empathize with his situation a bit -- this is the first time he's ever faced the fact that his past has affected his present.

However, now that we both know what we know, I told him that he can't use it as an excuse anymore. It's time for him to be a grown-up and make some choices -- no more double life!

Honestly, he tells me that he's not sure if he can do that, and he'll only ask to return to our home if he knows he can. I'm not sure I even want him back at this point, although I do miss him dearly (does that make any sense?)

Until then, I have learned to try and worry only about the things I can control -- me and the kids -- and stop trying to change him. He's got to worry about that! Easier said than done, I know, but that's where I am right now.


Me - 45
WH - 47
Married 21 years

Multiple D Days: Still reconciling after all this time!
3 children
Reconciling after 1 D Day that revealed multiple affairs. So far, so good.


Posts: 129 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Ohio
dancin-gal
♀ New Member
Member # 6814
Default  Posted: 10:20 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

married 38 yrs., H had many A's and ONS'S for over 33 yrs.
first D-day-23 yrs. ago H told me he had an STD...forgave him too fast...many lies. 4 1/2 yrs. ago D-day 2 H asked for MC...I agreed he has been a changed person...actions speak louder than words ...his actions have been positive and loving ..even 4 1/2 yrs later. tomorrow is our 38th anniversary and he ordered many vases of flowers for me telling me how much he loves me...loving action.:)

Posts: 11 | Registered: Apr 2005
verythankful
♀ Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here too. My wh has had three A's. We have been married 22 years and the first one was after 7 years married and A #2 was after 11 years, a ONS in year 13 and then A#3 in year 19.

We never dealt with any until now. I left for 6 weeks after A #1 and returned. It has been a long haul and I am finally to a place where if there are anymore then I will be kicking his butt to the curb.

I am proud of my strength and courage and see myself as a woman of grace.


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
verythankful
♀ Member
Member # 8958
Default  Posted: 11:34 PM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wonder if I will ever trust him again? I wonder if I will ever let him fully back into my life?

Anyone feel the same? Advice?


Me bs
Him ws
Married 22 years
dday's 2/27/05 & 3/1/06
Working on R

Posts: 342 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: CA
tomswife
♀ Member
Member # 6369
Content  Posted: 1:29 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am more than 2 years past D-day, and in the process of divorcing. When I first found SI, there were not many posts that I could relate to. Congrats to SI for creating the “I Can Relate” forum!!! I usually don’t post, and only visit SI occasionally, but I just had to post something to this forum for all those who feel like they are the only one who has such a messed up story.

After 15 years of marriage, I found out that my STBXH had at least 20 ONS. Some hookers, but mostly bar sluts and co-worker sluts. I had no idea, but PLENTY of red flags. He is also an alcoholic, so I assumed that when he “passed out”, he really did pass out. Wrong. I didn’t find out all at once, but within about 2 months (5 here, another 3 there, oh, and a hooker here, and there, etc.) I can barely remember the first year or so after D-Day, but I got stronger day by day. My STBXH on the other hand, decided that he was so depressed by what he had done, that he couldn’t work, nor could he show me any action on his part to make up for anything. But he wanted to R and gave me all the talk about how sorry he was, and how guilty he felt, etc. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted but he made it easy for me by not doing a damn thing, literally…he laid in bed for a year while I worked.

So for the past two years, I have been working on bettering myself, getting strong. My STBXH wants to R, still. I want out. I deserve so much more than he could ever give me. And he is still making it easy for me. He is now in jail for is 3rd convicted DUI. What a relief! My only concern now, as in the past, has all come down to money. Hindsight is 20/20. I should have divorced him 2 years ago, but wanted to wait until he was better (after playing the victim). I am way too nice. I really need to stop being nice. I am worried that when he gets out, he won’t have anywhere to go. So I’m using this time of peace to enjoy but also to build my strength so that I can shield myself from him.

Anyway, I am so tired, but wanted to get this posted. This is a very, very short summary, but wanted to put myself out there in case I could be of any help to someone who has just started going through this. I know I couldn’t read enough that first year.


Me - 33
H - 34
2 awesome kids B-13 G-6
Married 14 years together since we were 15.
D-Day - 1/13/05 - "whole truth" 2/9/05 - multiple ONS - maybe the real "whole truth", who knows.
3/19/05 - another "whole truth" 2 more ad

Posts: 126 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: California
mlpw62
♀ Member
Member # 12579
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still have a hard time believing that I belong here. After I caught my H in his last (and most serious) affair, I finally got it out of him (slowly, over 7 months) that he has been unfaithful at least 6 times during our marriage. The first was when we had only been married for 1-1/2 years with a 6-month old baby at home. Who knows if I know about them all? I will never know. I found out there is a saying in the military, "what goes TDY, stays TDY." Wish I had knew that sooner, maybe I would have been watching out. I have thought about seperation, mainly to see if I can wrap my brain around all of this, and maybe he would really see what he almost ruined, more than once. But, trying to reconcile. Sometimes i am optomistic.


BS (me) 50 WS 49
Three children, 22, 12, and 10
Married for almost 24 years.
Dday #1- June 19, 2006
Dday #2- Aug. 1, 2006 (found out they were still in contact)

Posts: 136 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Montana
beadmaggie
♀ Member
Member # 11925
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate - FWH had 2 affairs with 2 different women. One was a "series of ONSs" with a so-called friend, the other an EA/PA/midlife crisis. I'm not sure which one is worse, to be honest, because we're still dealing with the fallout, but at the moment the first one is skeeving me out a bit more.


Me - BS, 55
Him - FWH, 55
Married 32 yrs, 2 children
D-day #1 - Dec. 14, 2000 (OW#1 - "friend with benefits")
D-day #2 - May 31, 2005 (OW#2 - EA/PA)
D-day #3 - Sept 19, 2005 (OW#2)
R'ed

Posts: 2305 | Registered: Sep 2006 | From: NJ
cleo
♀ Member
Member # 9000
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess those of us dealing with multiple As are a minority....not too many posts here.

I was just thinking today that I hope I am not an idiot for staying. Is there something wrong with us for still loving our WS and staying after they have betrayed us so much???

[This message edited by cleo at 7:22 PM, April 13th (Friday)]


BS(me)54
WS(him)52 - diagnosed SA in 2011
Filed for Divorce 11/12 - he is still chasing women
Disclosed 14 affairs beginning 1 year after our marriage in 1986

Posts: 748 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Texas
speedreaux
♂ Member
Member # 12460
Default  Posted: 7:34 PM, April 13th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess those of us dealing with multiple As are a minority....not too many posts here.
after one, if you have stayed what does it matter the number? WW has had 3 confessed to, 1 not confessed but seriously covered up, and at least a couple EA's that didn't (as far as I know) take root and grow to PA. I am here.......because........sometimes i'm not sure either. When does another shoe drop....


where there's a will, a way
where there's a wheel,a flat

Posts: 84 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: texas
brokenwings
♀ Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 12:01 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that we all live our lives differently, I dont think there is one right or wrong thing when it comes to staying or going, I guess it is up to the couple.

I have left, the right thing for me i guess, although I am fighting the emotional dependence on him every day. I still love him, but for me it just was destroying me to stay.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's definitely an individual decision, depending on what you can accept and whether you feel you have sufficient other reason to stay with your WS.

There also appears to be some here with multiple affairs with multiple ddays, and then those with multiple affairs but only 1 dday (so far) for all of them. The latter is my situation, so I see it as giving my WS a "second chance" since he kind of got all his "charges" lumped in together under one umbrella case. If it got to the point of multiple ddays with new activity, then I think I would need to move on for my own mental health.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
miadianna
♀ Member
Member # 10516
Default  Posted: 1:28 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

How do you ever find out exactly how many when you are never allowed to talk about or ask any questions?

How do ever live the rest of your life never really knowing the truth or any shred of the truth? He would never talk to me.

I'm sure my STBXH had multiple affairs based on what evidence I did find on my own, but he has never admitted to anything. The first OW he was involved in was a co-worker in 1994 and I caught him on the home phone. He said he just talked to her, but based on the events that occurred that year and afterwards, I know it continued and I have to believe it was more than that based on the intensity and obsessive nature of it. I have found signs over the years since then of other inappropriate relationships with women, but he never confessed to anything.

He works out of town Monday-Friday, so he always had plenty of opportunity to do whatever he pleased without anyone finding out. He could live a double life without a problem. He was staying in hotel rooms during the week for most of marriage. Too easy for someone with his addictive personality. He used to brag about everyone going to strip clubs after work and getting drunk all the time. Our marriage was damaged so greatly from the first EA/PA? since he never took any responsibility for the affair at all.

To this day, he still hasn't told me that the reason he left is because of his current affair. I found out everything on my own. I don't know how or where he met her, although I am 100% positive it was on a job he was working in 2003-2004.

I wonder if I'm better off never knowing exactly how many, because I obsess about it as it is and any more knowledge would probably destroy me at this point. I expect the worst.

[This message edited by miadianna at 1:29 AM, April 16th (Monday)]


Me: BS 52
Son: 27 years old
Daughter: 24 years old
D-day(s) 9/23/94 - 1/31/05
Divorced 4/10/08

Posts: 7390 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Illinois
brokenwings
♀ Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 2:14 AM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((miadianna)))

I dont believe you ever find out the real truth, never. That is part of the reason why I too left.

Well, at least in my case I still uncover lies after 2 months of separation....no reason for him to lie now but he does anyway.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 2:15 PM, April 16th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Since my H was a consumate minimizer, I have chosen to believe the worst. Since he "can't" confirm any of what he says, he allows me to assume whatever I want in relation to the number of women he was with during that period.

Heck he still argues about the number of YEARS.

Like incrisis, I have had to lump all of them into a group, or groupings. The LTA stands alone as one issue. The first prositute is another. And all the others are wrapped up into one gigantic group. Because most of them were hookers, I can do that because he could do that. They were never individuals to him, says he never "repeated" or if he did, it was unintentional. The first experience he seems to be able to recount with a horrifying clarity, so that's why that stands separately.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
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