We are separated and I am still struggling as i did throughout this mess to accept what he really is....I have made one step by separating and cutting all contact except by phone.
Did anyone else have the same struggle to face reality? Just wondering....
Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.
I remember talking to one of H's cousins whose marriage had just broken up. She was going on and on about how she'd uncovered 5 APs, and her reaction was one of total incredulity. All I could think of "Man, I could handle if it was 5, how do you handle 50?"
Well, you handle it by making it two separate entitities, his hookers (the 50) and the LTAP. So I'm still multiple, but it keeps me from throwing up every day.
Staying married to him is the toughest challenge I've ever undertaken. Sometimes I don't think I'm strong enough to do it. Separation and divorce run through my mind now and again, just haven't made the step yet.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Good on for you for sticking it out, as long as your FWH is doing the work too. I just couldnt handle it any longer but find it hard to move on, its as though he has some spell over me and I am fighting to break it.
We're currently living apart with the exception of one or two days a week (long story). He wants to R. I want out.
That pretty much sums it up.
As you can see, we are divorced. I didn't waste anytime. I had to file so my kids and I would be ok financially. I am not sorry I divorced him. I am sure in time more and more of his activities will come out.
I am having difficulty dealing with all of it. I still feel like I love him and cannot figure out why in the world I feel that way. I am hoping in time to reach indifference toward him.
Although I see him for what he is, I also see a very confused individual. He has compartmentalized his whole life, thanks to a very dysfunctional upbringing. Lots and lots of counseling and reading have helped me empathize with his situation a bit -- this is the first time he's ever faced the fact that his past has affected his present.
However, now that we both know what we know, I told him that he can't use it as an excuse anymore. It's time for him to be a grown-up and make some choices -- no more double life!
Honestly, he tells me that he's not sure if he can do that, and he'll only ask to return to our home if he knows he can. I'm not sure I even want him back at this point, although I do miss him dearly (does that make any sense?)
Until then, I have learned to try and worry only about the things I can control -- me and the kids -- and stop trying to change him. He's got to worry about that! Easier said than done, I know, but that's where I am right now.
Multiple D Days: Still reconciling after all this time!
Reconciling after 1 D Day that revealed multiple affairs. So far, so good.
We never dealt with any until now. I left for 6 weeks after A #1 and returned. It has been a long haul and I am finally to a place where if there are anymore then I will be kicking his butt to the curb.
I am proud of my strength and courage and see myself as a woman of grace.
Anyone feel the same? Advice?
After 15 years of marriage, I found out that my STBXH had at least 20 ONS. Some hookers, but mostly bar sluts and co-worker sluts. I had no idea, but PLENTY of red flags. He is also an alcoholic, so I assumed that when he “passed out”, he really did pass out. Wrong. I didn’t find out all at once, but within about 2 months (5 here, another 3 there, oh, and a hooker here, and there, etc.) I can barely remember the first year or so after D-Day, but I got stronger day by day. My STBXH on the other hand, decided that he was so depressed by what he had done, that he couldn’t work, nor could he show me any action on his part to make up for anything. But he wanted to R and gave me all the talk about how sorry he was, and how guilty he felt, etc. I didn’t know what the hell I wanted but he made it easy for me by not doing a damn thing, literally…he laid in bed for a year while I worked.
So for the past two years, I have been working on bettering myself, getting strong. My STBXH wants to R, still. I want out. I deserve so much more than he could ever give me. And he is still making it easy for me. He is now in jail for is 3rd convicted DUI. What a relief! My only concern now, as in the past, has all come down to money. Hindsight is 20/20. I should have divorced him 2 years ago, but wanted to wait until he was better (after playing the victim). I am way too nice. I really need to stop being nice. I am worried that when he gets out, he won’t have anywhere to go. So I’m using this time of peace to enjoy but also to build my strength so that I can shield myself from him.
Anyway, I am so tired, but wanted to get this posted. This is a very, very short summary, but wanted to put myself out there in case I could be of any help to someone who has just started going through this. I know I couldn’t read enough that first year.
I was just thinking today that I hope I am not an idiot for staying. Is there something wrong with us for still loving our WS and staying after they have betrayed us so much???
[This message edited by cleo at 7:22 PM, April 13th (Friday)]
I have left, the right thing for me i guess, although I am fighting the emotional dependence on him every day. I still love him, but for me it just was destroying me to stay.
There also appears to be some here with multiple affairs with multiple ddays, and then those with multiple affairs but only 1 dday (so far) for all of them. The latter is my situation, so I see it as giving my WS a "second chance" since he kind of got all his "charges" lumped in together under one umbrella case. If it got to the point of multiple ddays with new activity, then I think I would need to move on for my own mental health.
How do ever live the rest of your life never really knowing the truth or any shred of the truth? He would never talk to me.
I'm sure my STBXH had multiple affairs based on what evidence I did find on my own, but he has never admitted to anything. The first OW he was involved in was a co-worker in 1994 and I caught him on the home phone. He said he just talked to her, but based on the events that occurred that year and afterwards, I know it continued and I have to believe it was more than that based on the intensity and obsessive nature of it. I have found signs over the years since then of other inappropriate relationships with women, but he never confessed to anything.
He works out of town Monday-Friday, so he always had plenty of opportunity to do whatever he pleased without anyone finding out. He could live a double life without a problem. He was staying in hotel rooms during the week for most of marriage. Too easy for someone with his addictive personality. He used to brag about everyone going to strip clubs after work and getting drunk all the time. Our marriage was damaged so greatly from the first EA/PA? since he never took any responsibility for the affair at all.
To this day, he still hasn't told me that the reason he left is because of his current affair. I found out everything on my own. I don't know how or where he met her, although I am 100% positive it was on a job he was working in 2003-2004.
I wonder if I'm better off never knowing exactly how many, because I obsess about it as it is and any more knowledge would probably destroy me at this point. I expect the worst.
[This message edited by miadianna at 1:29 AM, April 16th (Monday)]
I dont believe you ever find out the real truth, never. That is part of the reason why I too left.
Well, at least in my case I still uncover lies after 2 months of separation....no reason for him to lie now but he does anyway.
Heck he still argues about the number of YEARS.
Like incrisis, I have had to lump all of them into a group, or groupings. The LTA stands alone as one issue. The first prositute is another. And all the others are wrapped up into one gigantic group. Because most of them were hookers, I can do that because he could do that. They were never individuals to him, says he never "repeated" or if he did, it was unintentional. The first experience he seems to be able to recount with a horrifying clarity, so that's why that stands separately.