On June 17, WH confessed to six A's during the past six years--all in one fell swoop.
Four of the APs were administrative employees at the factories he ran. He picked low-life skanky alcoholics (most of whom were older and less attractive than me) who needed to be rescued. The other two were people he picked up--one in a bar and one in the bank drive thru.
So much on this thread applies to me. WH finally confessed after he lost his job (possibly, in part, to the fact that top executives found out about his activities). He said the guilt was killing him. Once he started with the first AP in 2002, he couldn't stop.
I made him draw a bar chart/timeline of all the A's and he did it. It was sickening but he's a quantitative guy who believes he sees patterns when other don't. Too bad he didn't see his own sick pattern of behavior.
It has been almost one month since D-day and he has done everything I said he would have to do in order to R. IC, SLAA meetings, AA meetings, 12 steps with sponsor, NC, complete transparency, etc.
I don't know if I love him or if our R will be successful. I would like it to be but I don't know if I can ever trust him again. Plus, the mental movies of him planning, plotting and preparing to be with other women are pure torture. He always complained about having too much to do. What could our marriage have been like if he would have given all that love and devotion to his wife instead of letting it leak out his dick to the APs?
He was an asshole before and is like a different man now--kind, loving, supportive, remorseful, compassionate and willing to do whatever he can to support my healing--but I can't help but wondering if he's faking it. After all, he faked our marriage for 6 years.
And I had no clue what he was doing. I just thought I was giving him "space" by not nagging or complaining or even standing up for myself when he treated me in that cold, abrupt and defensive manner that so many of you describe.
It just makes me sick. I guess it will just take time. While I wait to find out if I can love and trust him again, I will get a post-nup that protects me. This was actually his idea and I'm doing it.
He knows that he will have no more chances. I just hate the fact that I have to be the honesty police. Ugh!
Sending hugs to all...
try bein a Man ROUND HERE!
now, that'd be a REAL minority!
not that it's a political season, er nuthin, but hey!
who's the minority leader, anyway?
Never be afraid of the truth
given the gender disparity, i'm thinking of this as MA'S thread.
you know, Multiple A - Survivors!
Seriously, like what you said about being a survivor. That is the most important thing to remember. We will all make it through this no matter how horrific out story is. As time goes on, the poor actions of our spouses will not define who we are
The truth may hurt but a lie is agony.
There are no degrees of honesty.
If it were not for hope,the heart would break.
That we don't need to see another MC because it was over two years ago and by now I should be able to let it go. But I'm not!!! To me it's like I just found out in January
I heard this too, fortunately, we had an MC at the time that drilled this fact into his head... I am on a different healing path from him #1 because I'm just finding out and #2 because he KNOWS what was going on in his marriage and I don't.
Honestly, I don't think there's ever a "getting over it" in multiple cases, there's always the "they did it so often before and got away with it, how will I ever know the next time?" I don't know when the hypervigilence goes away, maybe when we finally absorb the fact that we can't control them, only ourselves.
My IC told me that if I never "got over" it, I should leave him. That it was only hurting ME to stay (believe me she didn't care that my not "getting over it" was bothering him)
Accept the fact that you will never know everything. Unless you had a first hand look at all the interactions, you are only relying on the word of a liar and manipulator (both OW and your H).
Does anybody have any advice on how to get this picture out of my mind or how to cope with this. I can't tell him about this because he just gets mad that I can't just let it go. I find myself pulling away and I am so scared. If I continue to do this I'm afraid that he will cheat again. I need your help!!!
Be true to yourself. I found that his reassurance went only so far. If I wanted to be with him, I was. If I didn't, I wasn't. If I fell apart during, I did. Sure he got mad, but the anger is really at himself, sweetie. You distraught reactions remind him of what he'd done. And it's "so unfair" you keep reminding him of it.
No, he has to live with it the same way you have to live with it. Or don't. Both of you have that choice.
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
Have you been to the healing library - upper-left corner link?
I copied this from "BS FAQ's"
I'm sorry for your suffering, but the folks here are wonderful - just know you're not alone & keep posting -it helps.
like weepy said, be true to YOU! #11 on that link is about what we call the 180.
While reading it - remember, it is about YOU & YOUR healing.
We will survive this!
[This message edited by strongone555 at 6:40 PM, July 20th (Sunday)]
So, we live with the unknowns because it doesn't matter if we ask, they cannot answer us honestly. They cannot face their shame and pain. They think they will die (literally).
It's not our job to help them figure it out, to "get it". Unless they want to, they won't.
I consider my H now a "dry drunk". He won't cheat, doesn't mean the desire isn't there. That the craving for the "new" fix isn't there.
He doesn't think about them in any positive context, except I figure when we have another unsatisfying sex romp. I mean, he was with them because they made sex fun, intriguing, sensual, dangerous, and we aren't.
BUT we also won't kill them, stalk them, ruin their "real" lives. WE won't lose them their jobs, their kids, their home. There's no risk with us. And now unfortunately, they know they've ruined any chance of sex with us being that way again.
I don't know about you guys but I won't play those "games" any more. The seductress, acting out the fantasies, sex designed to make him feel like a stud.
The question is, do they value those "romps" weighed against what they've lost? I doubt it.
I felt so depressed and felt I deserve every good and every bad thing that have happened to me. It seems one affair is hard enough. Looking at the numbers of just how many came after me...
How is this time any different?
How am I special out of all of them?
How do you all here deal with so many "Others"?
My H is remorseful and doing everything he can, however there are times when I feel maybe it is a deal-breaker for me, I'm just afraid to admit it.
He is there and a changed person and continually changing for the better person. He is becoming who I've always thought I was married to and who I said "yes" to.
I feel insane staying in this M, I feel insane if I leave. It's hell moving forward either way. But those are the only two options I have.
Have a trial separation of a week or a month helped anyone here?
I feel I need to re-commit or just call it quits for all our sakes even our daughter.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Hoping to start a discussion on some of the unique problems we face as survivors of multiple As.
My FWH is one of those who has completely changed and is a differant person today. He has done 1 1/2 years of IC and is involved in a very intense program in our church.
I on the other hand am still struggling. There is a good thread in inspirations about obsession. This is my problem.
I can't seem to stop the investigating. Not about now, but about the past. In the year after the last D-day, I found out so much by investigation, it was the only way I could get any information about the past As.
I spent $$ getting access to email accts, phone records, ect. and was able to get some of the truth that way.
It is like I get some kind of power, or feeling of safety from being able to check out every woman I am still unsure about (I have multiple email addresses I still suspect were OW....he says he doesn't remember them) It is like I can't rest untill I check everything out. Maybe it is because everytime I got access to one of the suspected womens emails, I found another A.
Even the ones I know all about, I still check their emails, like it gives me some satisfaction....all those years those women knew about me, were in involved in my personal life and I did not know....being able to spy on them now gives me some kind of weird satisfaction. I know this is sick and I want to stop it. All this energy wasted that I could spend on something more constructive.
Years of As and trickle truth and a false R have made me feel so screwed up, like I have PTSD or something. Sometimes I say to myself....what does it matter if it is 5 affairs or 20...why can't I let it go and move on.
Is there anyone else out there that has these types of problems a couple of years out from discovery????
Right now my plan is to start a Bible study in the fall....I know I need to give this all to God as I am just not strong enough to fix this on my own.
Sorry if this is so rambling....
Giving it all to God helped me a lot. I still keep tabs on the known OM though.
I think it all boils down to trust. Through all this I lost trust in my wife, and in myself. By keeping tabs, I feel that I have a little control here.
Heres another thing...
The feeling like FWH "owes" me something for all the years of poor treatment(aside from the As) and all the As. Something more than changing and being a good spouse now. I know this is wrong...I know that nothing he can do will change what he has done.....but something in my mind says....he should make my life alot easier now to make up for all the years I suffered.
Feel free to bash me.
I don't see anything bashworthy
What you feel is perfectly normal and makes perfect sense. I feel the same way sometimes. The thing is, I don't think there is anything they can do to "make up" for what they did. All they can do is be a better spouse from here on out.