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User Topic: Multiple Affairs
♂ Member
Member # 17955
Sad  Posted: 1:43 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate here.

My WW had 40+ inappropriate encounters with 14 different men spanning over 3 years. She used an Adult online dating service to find guys to meet her on her lunch hour, or wherever for brief encounters.It is so sad to think back on the times she was going shopping and it just took a little longer, or the times she cut class at night to have an affair. It makes me ill thinking about how hard it will be to ever trust her out of my sight again.

Me: BS
Her: SAWW 30 Men/ 80 encounters / 7 years
Kids: 9 yrs
Married 11 Years
Round 1:
DD1- 1/8/08
DD2 - 2/8/08
Polygraph - Best $200 ever spent

Round 2:
DD1 - 1/30/11
Trying to recover

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Middle america
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, February 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

>>Did your WS have a good relationship with his father?

Interesting question. FWH really had very little relationship at all with his father, because he worked on a tanker many months out of every year. He was a drunk when he was home, though H says it was more of the "Will he embarrass me" type than anything violent. His father died a couple of years ago, and all he's really said to me about it is to occasionally say he's a little concerned because he really hasn't felt any grief yet. I know he'd say he loved his father, though.

Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:48 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ripped, I understand completely. The effort, the intrique all directed outward instead of inward.

Had the exact same thing... but he COULD spend 3 hours in Home Depot, so I was never the wiser either. He always had a plausible excuse. No red flags for years.

How's your wife behaving these days?

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
♂ Member
Member # 17955
Default  Posted: 9:54 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

<weepy> She is pretty awesome through it all. We are almost through our first month and she hasn't wavered. Not one ounce of deflection, completely transparent. Changed the phone number, canceled the accounts, dropped email, and some days she looks worse than i do when we are talking for hours.

I see what toll this is having on her and i admire her strength for enduring this. It isn't easy on me in anyway shape or form. A lot of what we have worked through is uncovering details to even her so as establish the timelines, it is really hard for her to see the whole picture instead of the day to day. She had deluded herself.

Today was a very easy day so it is easy for me to sound optimistic.... tomorrow I might answer this differently though.

[This message edited by Rippedtoshreds at 9:55 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]

Me: BS
Her: SAWW 30 Men/ 80 encounters / 7 years
Kids: 9 yrs
Married 11 Years
Round 1:
DD1- 1/8/08
DD2 - 2/8/08
Polygraph - Best $200 ever spent

Round 2:
DD1 - 1/30/11
Trying to recover

Posts: 216 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Middle america
♀ Member
Member # 17960
Default  Posted: 10:34 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, I belong here too! I know of 6, 1 longterm EA and PA and 5 other PA's all within a year and 1/2. I'm sure there are many more than that, but he deleted his email account before I could read anymore. He had some 4900 emails on the account!! It sucks that we have to be here!!

BS - 35 (me)
WS - 36
Dday 10/22/07
Married - 10 years, together 20 years.
4 beautiful children age:
14, 9, 7 & 6

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NH
♀ Member
Member # 10098
Default  Posted: 12:04 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yep...I'm right there with ya'!!!

You can read my SI Journal for specifices, But *He* (FWH) has admitted to 4 PA's.
Of course, I caught him red-handed in Nov of 2005, and *He* then confessed to 3 more back in the latter months of 1997.

We have been working on R, for about 1 1/2 years, He spent about 10 months in the "FOG", and on several occasions I was ready to walk, but too stupid to *just give it up and walk out on Him*.

So now that all the Drama has settled, and things seem to be getting back to normal...I guess I expect him to do a little introspection on himself, and work on the why- it happened to begin with. Which he has never attempted to figure out.

I very much feel that I deserve better, I feel that he has done the absolute bare minimum to get past this, has done very little actually in helping *MY* healing, and has managed to sweep the rest under the rug. The few questions I actually was able to ask, *he* answered, I think, as honestly as he could. But I really got very few of my questions answered, most of the time, he would just change the subject.

And I can so relate to the Arrogant attitude...I made him leave at one point, and that's when I saw the *Arrogance*, He was mean, cruel, and arrogant.

Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks.

D-day Nov.24 2005 M-13 together-18
He left that morning(went to his mom's) and came back home Friday night, at which time he admitted to 3 PA (nearly 10 yrs ago), In addition to this one

Posts: 547 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Tennessee
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 3:33 PM, February 26th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

the reason I asked about the relationship with the father is because it is after FWH's father died that FWH began the online porn, chats, EA's, PA's etc.

After IC, he believes that once his father died, he realized that their relationship could be better than it was. That is was too late. And IC feels he was in depression. He also never really grieved or cried. That is, until after IC when they delved into his past.

I'm sure this isn't the whole reason for the A's but it is part of a sick story.

I fit on so many of these I Can Relate forums - multiples, SA, online/chatting, etc., etc.

Can we really heal???

First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
♂ Member
Member # 17939
Default  Posted: 11:38 PM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out yesterday that I belong on the Multiple AP list. ugh!!!

Her 26
OM 38 PA abused her(6 sexual epis.)
All within four months.
OM 26 PA sex twice

Two boys

"The worst vice is advice". Al Pacino

Posts: 557 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: spinning my wheels all over
♀ Member
Member # 18174
Default  Posted: 11:55 PM, March 1st (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you can add me too. My WH fooled around with a woman just after we started dating, confessed to it 6 mo. in to our marriage. After we got married, he kissed or made out with 3 other women (one of which was my best friend) and lastly had a very short EA with an old friend from high school. I caught that one very early on, but have no doubt it would have blossomed in to a PA. He never had sex with any of these women, but it hurts just the same.

Although we're in R and it's going very well (and for the first time in many months I actually feel like we're on the same page), I still ask myself now and then why I forgave him so many times.

[This message edited by copingdaybyday at 11:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

BS: 28 (Me)
WH: 29
D-day (last of several): Nov, 2007
One beautiful son: 22 months old
Reconciling, going very well.

Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 10546
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, March 5th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like a fool every day for staying. My WH has had at least 5 LT PAs during our 13-year marriage that I know about and many more inappropriate friendships and flirtations. Since D-day, as far as I know, he's been entirely faithful but I've become this paranoid, snooping person who I hate. Our marriage, which I once thought was great, is now flat and lifeless but I'm terrified of leaving and being alone for the rest of my life. I'm so angry that my life, that I thought was so great, has turned out like this. I hate this!!!

Me: BS 42
Him: WS 45
Married: 17 years; together 22 years
D-day: 4/7/2006

Posts: 66 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: Belgium
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 8:33 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still here 395?

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 35284 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 15229
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, March 29th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Still waiting on answers to how many there really were.. I can only confirm 2 but I know in my heart there were more but of course, he won't confess to any that I don't know about. It hurts, because I just want the truth for once in our life together. How hard is that anyway??

A- 11/06-5/07
I believe more A's throughout
3 kids
together 16 yrs

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.

Posts: 249 | Registered: Jul 2007
♀ Member
Member # 18310
Question  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS had two women over a period of six months. He slept with one, four times. The OW he slept with one time. He would travel to a neighboring state once or twice a month.

He confessed a year after the last encounter. It has been three years this May since the first incident of infidelity and two years this September since I was told.

I am still up and down and sad and crazy. He called a number on my phone he was unfamiliar with and then hung up. He did this twice. When my male cousin told me this happened to him from my phone, I confronted the WS. He denied it three times, before admitting he did it. He said he should not have been checking up on me and did not want me to know he was.

Why is he checking up on me? I did not cheat! I am not cheating! I wonder if he is still cheating, so that is why he is checking my phone.

He does not work at the same place he did when the affairs happened.

Him- FWH

Posts: 1132 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: USA
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 30th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H does not snoop on me at all. I think he figures he's treating me the way I should be treating him, with absolute unconditional trust.

Well, leaving his last job, I find a bunch of phone numbers of employees from that firm.... only one female and both numbers are her private home and cell numbers.

I had to confront him on that and although he had a good "excuse", it's still inappropriate, but he doesn't see it that way. Of course if he found only one male phone number in my book and it was a home and cell from my last employer....

But no, my boundaries are in tact and I only have their work extensions... the people I still care to talk to and then, it will only be on business or computer assistance.

I have no need to rack up male friend conquests. You bet I'm going to be monitoring the call list too.

Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda

Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
♀ Member
Member # 18478
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, April 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just added my name to the double betrayal thread and now I realize I can add my name here too! My a$$hole WH had 6 OW with whom he had an EA/PA with best friend and the rest EA(some very sexually innappropiate TM's and phone calls) with the rest. All of this running concurrently for three years some lasting less than 6mos. I am still struggling with this. I am 6 weeks from DDAY.

BS DDAY Feb08 " ...I faced it all and I stood tall; and did it my way..."

Posts: 129 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ Member
Member # 20150
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, July 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So many broken hearts here.

I'm 21 days in from D-Day, 22 years happily monogamous, which is more than WH can say now. And he claims that that is one of his biggest regrets, that he doesn't get to say that.

He has major issues due to sexual abuse when he was merely very small (how do people survive that?), and he chose to bury the hurt by having countless meaningless sexual encounters over the years.

Big cry for help this year by seeing someone right under my nose before being outed by the OW, but not before they had sex in the back yard of the house we're about to move into...

She was *extremely* miffed when he refused to leave me for her... I guess I should be flattered.

Classic madonna/whore stuff. It's like somebody dropped an A-bomb into my nice life.

Where do you begin to heal the hurt?

[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:34 PM, July 7th (Monday)]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
Celebrating 60 years on Earth

Posts: 16607 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 1:11 PM, July 8th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate here.

Multiple EA and PA from when we started dating exclusively to when we got married. My H revealed all last year in one fel swoop.

He is bi-polar but that is not the reason he cheated. The roots of his multiple affairs: selfishness and low self-esteem.

What makes all his multiple betrayals doubly hard is that he is my first kiss (I've never been with anyone else but him) and he had not considered me his best friend throughout those years (while he was mine and he knows this).

We're in R and both doing good so far. He's even confessed to our church and is accepting of all consequences of his actions. He just wants it done right and done within a couple of years before our child remembers anything (we may tell our child later on when she starts dating). He wants to be remembered as a good father and a good husband, the new person he's been working hard to be one.

I feel lucky and unlucky at the same time for having him as my H. But it's been less than a year and I need to give myself time. I have to focus also on my spirituality and health to fight off the HPV I got from him.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
♀ Member
Member # 12864
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, July 10th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

***sigh*** My WH has had 3 A's. 1 11yrs younger, assistant...2nd 8 yrs older, our realtor...3rd 8 yrs younger Sunday school teacher. All OW are married too. Said that he knew that there would be no commitment with them. Compares himself to Frank Sinatra, Tony Saprano...said that it's what Latin guys's what they are taught. I remember the gifts, he said the customer gave them to him. One of the OW who I knew used to give me gifts too. I guess that was her way of thanking me for the use of my WH. Imagine walking around the office with WS and OW and even going to lunches together, we were on a team...the WHOLE time they knew what they had done!!!

Me, BS: 39
HIM, WS: 38
Married 13 yrs.
3 Beautiful Children, 13,9 and 11mths.

Breathed Again!! 07/09/2008
Filed for D 08/01/2008 MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Back In Control Of My Life...Life's Too SHORT! :)

"He doesn't give you what you

Posts: 175 | Registered: Dec 2006 | From: Northern Georgia
♀ New Member
Member # 19963
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, July 11th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I belong here too......My Ex Husband had a affairs with atleast 2 different women I can CONFIRM of....the first A went on for I don't know how long...long enought to have 3 OC by her. I tried to sweep the first 2 under the rug and think everything was going to work out. I guess I was just silly to think if he was sleeoing with someone else with no protection that it was going to stop. Well, needless to say my Ex H got incareted and while there HE asked for a D and I slowly agreed. Well, I must admit GOD works in mysterous ways to show you that you are doing the right thing. 2 days before D was final, I found out he had a 3rd by the 1st OW. 1 month after Divorce was final, I foound out he has another OC by some other woman....So a total of 4OC during our marriage. I know don't know what i will ever learn....Lord only knows how many more woman are out there.....

I can now see and say that I hated to get the divorce but I truly believe that I did the right thing.

Posts: 10 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Chicago
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Member # 19862
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, July 13th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


me too.

First WW affair:
93-95; ex husband raped her, she kept it from me, because she was afraid I'd kill him, then she went back to him for a two year PA (they only were physical twice). She ended the PA, but continued the EA up through at least 5/2008.

Second WW affair:
1999; 2 month EA, ONS with my best friend. I found out right afterwards because I heard that she was over at his house when she said she was at her girlfriend's house - so I hacked into her email account.

That was dday 1.

Third affair:
Sometime about 2003, she was raped by a close family friend, repeatedly - then she continued to go over to his house 2-3 times a week, in response to his continuous, daily, harassing phone calls. She kept all this secret, again, because she was afraid I would kill him if I found out. He threatened to tell me if she didn't keep obeying him.

During this 5 year affair, OM demanded she go on "missions" - to pick up guys, sleep with them, and report back.

4th affair:
WW and OM's W went on an overnight trip; went to a bar, and both picked up guys, and had sex with them in the hotel room.

5th affair:
WW was on a trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriends, and she was asked by OM to pick up a soldier going to Iraq, and give him a "going away present". Then she was to tell him all of the details.

6th affair:
WW was invited to several 3-somes with OM and OM's W. WW decided she didn't want to do that anymore after the first two or three encounters.

7th affair:
WW was asked to go to a local hotel room. I had already gotten suspicious of her behavior, and had tracked her search of the hotel; though I thought it may have been that she was looking for a place for me to stay, because we were fighting, and I was threatening to leave. I went to the hotel on the same day she was there. I don't know if I was there too early, or what. I asked the clerk to tell me what room she was in, but the clerk would not cooperate (even though she used a card in my name to secure the room). In this hotel room, OM had a guy he found from craigslist, and planned a threesome with WW. She did it with the other guy, but OM was unable to perform (he has performance issues).

8th affair:
WW was in another town to take care of a sick family member. OM knew where she was, and found another craigslist man who lived nearby, and engineered a chance encounter, having him pick her up on the road while she had gone jogging. She realized what was going on right away when the guy started hitting on her. He took her to a hotel room, and OM then called them on the phone to listen in. He then requested they send him a video taken from the phone.

The next day, she went out to meet him again, and again, OM demanded telephone contact while WW gave him oral.

These are the only ones to which she confessed. I was suspicious of LTA 3 from the day I met the guy. But I never thought my wife would stoop so low as to be with this loser. For a long time I suspected there was someone else, by her attitude. It was 9/2007 when she confessed to "just friends" with OM; and I demanded MC. As the months went by, I found more and more evidence, and she denied everything, until finally, she did confess to affairs 5 and 6, which were years ago, (and therefore "shouldn't bother me") - at this time, she had already gone NC with OM and all of his friends. She had rejected two more "missions".

There were likely several others that I know that she sent pictures to from her cell phone.

On 6/17/2008; I was pressuring her with evidence of the cell phone bills, and I had called OM #8, who admitted sex with WW. She confessed all that is listed above (3-8). She was very cooperative in relating every detail I asked for. She admits that she has some serious mental issues, and FINALLY agreed to IC. I had been bugging her since A #1, when she started acting strangely.

In 7/2008; I had a court hearing, suing OM #3 for money I lent, and he didn't pay; as well as money he stole.

I won.

[This message edited by toonice at 12:30 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]

Stronger than reason, stronger than lies, the only truth I know, is the look in your eyes.
BH(42) FWW(41; 8+ OM/OW, 5 year LTA)
M: 16yrs, 2 kids DS16, DD13. d-day 6/17/2008 (after 9 months of MC+gaslighting).

Posts: 4898 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: CA
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