My WW had 40+ inappropriate encounters with 14 different men spanning over 3 years. She used an Adult online dating service to find guys to meet her on her lunch hour, or wherever for brief encounters.It is so sad to think back on the times she was going shopping and it just took a little longer, or the times she cut class at night to have an affair. It makes me ill thinking about how hard it will be to ever trust her out of my sight again.
DD1 - 1/30/11
Trying to recover
Interesting question. FWH really had very little relationship at all with his father, because he worked on a tanker many months out of every year. He was a drunk when he was home, though H says it was more of the "Will he embarrass me" type than anything violent. His father died a couple of years ago, and all he's really said to me about it is to occasionally say he's a little concerned because he really hasn't felt any grief yet. I know he'd say he loved his father, though.
Had the exact same thing... but he COULD spend 3 hours in Home Depot, so I was never the wiser either. He always had a plausible excuse. No red flags for years.
How's your wife behaving these days?
Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda
I see what toll this is having on her and i admire her strength for enduring this. It isn't easy on me in anyway shape or form. A lot of what we have worked through is uncovering details to even her so as establish the timelines, it is really hard for her to see the whole picture instead of the day to day. She had deluded herself.
Today was a very easy day so it is easy for me to sound optimistic.... tomorrow I might answer this differently though.
[This message edited by Rippedtoshreds at 9:55 PM, February 6th (Wednesday)]
You can read my SI Journal for specifices, But *He* (FWH) has admitted to 4 PA's.
Of course, I caught him red-handed in Nov of 2005, and *He* then confessed to 3 more back in the latter months of 1997.
We have been working on R, for about 1 1/2 years, He spent about 10 months in the "FOG", and on several occasions I was ready to walk, but too stupid to *just give it up and walk out on Him*.
So now that all the Drama has settled, and things seem to be getting back to normal...I guess I expect him to do a little introspection on himself, and work on the why- it happened to begin with. Which he has never attempted to figure out.
I very much feel that I deserve better, I feel that he has done the absolute bare minimum to get past this, has done very little actually in helping *MY* healing, and has managed to sweep the rest under the rug. The few questions I actually was able to ask, *he* answered, I think, as honestly as he could. But I really got very few of my questions answered, most of the time, he would just change the subject.
And I can so relate to the Arrogant attitude...I made him leave at one point, and that's when I saw the *Arrogance*, He was mean, cruel, and arrogant.
Anyway, it's nice to know I'm not alone. Thanks.
After IC, he believes that once his father died, he realized that their relationship could be better than it was. That is was too late. And IC feels he was in depression. He also never really grieved or cried. That is, until after IC when they delved into his past.
I'm sure this isn't the whole reason for the A's but it is part of a sick story.
I fit on so many of these I Can Relate forums - multiples, SA, online/chatting, etc., etc.
Can we really heal???
"The worst vice is advice". Al Pacino
Although we're in R and it's going very well (and for the first time in many months I actually feel like we're on the same page), I still ask myself now and then why I forgave him so many times.
[This message edited by copingdaybyday at 11:56 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]
The people you do your life with shape the life you live
What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
Life is a test.
He confessed a year after the last encounter. It has been three years this May since the first incident of infidelity and two years this September since I was told.
I am still up and down and sad and crazy. He called a number on my phone he was unfamiliar with and then hung up. He did this twice. When my male cousin told me this happened to him from my phone, I confronted the WS. He denied it three times, before admitting he did it. He said he should not have been checking up on me and did not want me to know he was.
Why is he checking up on me? I did not cheat! I am not cheating! I wonder if he is still cheating, so that is why he is checking my phone.
He does not work at the same place he did when the affairs happened.
Well, leaving his last job, I find a bunch of phone numbers of employees from that firm.... only one female and both numbers are her private home and cell numbers.
I had to confront him on that and although he had a good "excuse", it's still inappropriate, but he doesn't see it that way. Of course if he found only one male phone number in my book and it was a home and cell from my last employer....
But no, my boundaries are in tact and I only have their work extensions... the people I still care to talk to and then, it will only be on business or computer assistance.
I have no need to rack up male friend conquests. You bet I'm going to be monitoring the call list too.
I'm 21 days in from D-Day, 22 years happily monogamous, which is more than WH can say now. And he claims that that is one of his biggest regrets, that he doesn't get to say that.
He has major issues due to sexual abuse when he was merely very small (how do people survive that?), and he chose to bury the hurt by having countless meaningless sexual encounters over the years.
Big cry for help this year by seeing someone right under my nose before being outed by the OW, but not before they had sex in the back yard of the house we're about to move into...
She was *extremely* miffed when he refused to leave me for her... I guess I should be flattered.
Classic madonna/whore stuff. It's like somebody dropped an A-bomb into my nice life.
Where do you begin to heal the hurt?
[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:34 PM, July 7th (Monday)]
Multiple EA and PA from when we started dating exclusively to when we got married. My H revealed all last year in one fel swoop.
He is bi-polar but that is not the reason he cheated. The roots of his multiple affairs: selfishness and low self-esteem.
What makes all his multiple betrayals doubly hard is that he is my first kiss (I've never been with anyone else but him) and he had not considered me his best friend throughout those years (while he was mine and he knows this).
We're in R and both doing good so far. He's even confessed to our church and is accepting of all consequences of his actions. He just wants it done right and done within a couple of years before our child remembers anything (we may tell our child later on when she starts dating). He wants to be remembered as a good father and a good husband, the new person he's been working hard to be one.
I feel lucky and unlucky at the same time for having him as my H. But it's been less than a year and I need to give myself time. I have to focus also on my spirituality and health to fight off the HPV I got from him.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
Breathed Again!! 07/09/2008
Filed for D 08/01/2008 MY BIRTHDAY!!!!
Back In Control Of My Life...Life's Too SHORT! :)
"He doesn't give you what you
I can now see and say that I hated to get the divorce but I truly believe that I did the right thing.
First WW affair:
93-95; ex husband raped her, she kept it from me, because she was afraid I'd kill him, then she went back to him for a two year PA (they only were physical twice). She ended the PA, but continued the EA up through at least 5/2008.
Second WW affair:
1999; 2 month EA, ONS with my best friend. I found out right afterwards because I heard that she was over at his house when she said she was at her girlfriend's house - so I hacked into her email account.
That was dday 1.
Sometime about 2003, she was raped by a close family friend, repeatedly - then she continued to go over to his house 2-3 times a week, in response to his continuous, daily, harassing phone calls. She kept all this secret, again, because she was afraid I would kill him if I found out. He threatened to tell me if she didn't keep obeying him.
During this 5 year affair, OM demanded she go on "missions" - to pick up guys, sleep with them, and report back.
WW and OM's W went on an overnight trip; went to a bar, and both picked up guys, and had sex with them in the hotel room.
WW was on a trip to Las Vegas with her girlfriends, and she was asked by OM to pick up a soldier going to Iraq, and give him a "going away present". Then she was to tell him all of the details.
WW was invited to several 3-somes with OM and OM's W. WW decided she didn't want to do that anymore after the first two or three encounters.
WW was asked to go to a local hotel room. I had already gotten suspicious of her behavior, and had tracked her search of the hotel; though I thought it may have been that she was looking for a place for me to stay, because we were fighting, and I was threatening to leave. I went to the hotel on the same day she was there. I don't know if I was there too early, or what. I asked the clerk to tell me what room she was in, but the clerk would not cooperate (even though she used a card in my name to secure the room). In this hotel room, OM had a guy he found from craigslist, and planned a threesome with WW. She did it with the other guy, but OM was unable to perform (he has performance issues).
WW was in another town to take care of a sick family member. OM knew where she was, and found another craigslist man who lived nearby, and engineered a chance encounter, having him pick her up on the road while she had gone jogging. She realized what was going on right away when the guy started hitting on her. He took her to a hotel room, and OM then called them on the phone to listen in. He then requested they send him a video taken from the phone.
The next day, she went out to meet him again, and again, OM demanded telephone contact while WW gave him oral.
These are the only ones to which she confessed. I was suspicious of LTA 3 from the day I met the guy. But I never thought my wife would stoop so low as to be with this loser. For a long time I suspected there was someone else, by her attitude. It was 9/2007 when she confessed to "just friends" with OM; and I demanded MC. As the months went by, I found more and more evidence, and she denied everything, until finally, she did confess to affairs 5 and 6, which were years ago, (and therefore "shouldn't bother me") - at this time, she had already gone NC with OM and all of his friends. She had rejected two more "missions".
There were likely several others that I know that she sent pictures to from her cell phone.
On 6/17/2008; I was pressuring her with evidence of the cell phone bills, and I had called OM #8, who admitted sex with WW. She confessed all that is listed above (3-8). She was very cooperative in relating every detail I asked for. She admits that she has some serious mental issues, and FINALLY agreed to IC. I had been bugging her since A #1, when she started acting strangely.
In 7/2008; I had a court hearing, suing OM #3 for money I lent, and he didn't pay; as well as money he stole.
[This message edited by toonice at 12:30 PM, July 29th (Tuesday)]