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User Topic: Multiple Affairs
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Helpless  Posted: 7:03 PM, November 17th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hope-full,
Sorry for all you've gone through. I've got three kids myself and a SA husband. I never had a clue. Can't imagine how you can function knowing. You're right -- it is abusive. We all deserve more respect than this...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
msbhaven
♀ Member
Member # 16780
Helpless  Posted: 4:15 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking for a while now, but haven't posted a thread or my story. Wouldn't even know where to start.

I'm posting on this thread because I can definitely relate. My WH has had multiple affairs, and from what I can gather it's been from day one and we've been together for 19 years and married for 15.

I've found emails and texts from various women. He says they are just friends and that I need to stop reading more into them than there is.

Believe you me, I have plenty of conversation with him as to why even chatting with women is cheating, though I know from emails he's had PAs. I tell him how disrespectful it is to me and to our marriage. But he won't admit to anything; even with the emails I've showed him. The affairs make me sick, but the lie that is between us is killing our marriage. But he doesn't want to talk about it because he keeps to his story that he loves me and that nothing has ever happened.


BS: Me, 42
WH: Him, 37
Married 15 years, together 19
DDAY1 - 11/2006
DDAY2 - 2/12/2008
Status: Still in the dark because he won't admit anything.
DS: 17
DD#1: 15
DD#2: 5

Posts: 110 | Registered: Oct 2007
Betrayed74
♀ Member
Member # 17058
Default  Posted: 4:28 PM, December 7th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my ex-WS refused to admit that anything was happening the million and one times I was very uncomfortable with conversations with 'just friends' I overheard, emails I read, text messages I read and voicemails I overheard.

Even up until near the very end, he was refusing to admit that OW was anything more than a friend. When he DID admit it, I kicked his ass out.

He was so good at making me feel crazy that he worked it so that he could go out to the bars any time and with whomever he pleased--otherwise I was 'controlling' him, I was 'jealous' and 'unevolved'.

I was SUCH an idiot (in retrospect). The last day he was at the house before he moved out to go be with his most current OW, I learned the truth about 4 affairs...but I know there were more and I know he downplayed those he did admit to as well.

Your husband is lying to you. I'd bet a lot of money on it. I'm so sorry!!! ((((HUGS))))


Me: 34 BS
Him: 37 XWS

LTA with woman 'friend' 06-07
EA with woman 'friend' '07
D-Day for both: 10/07
XWS moved out for OW#2: 11/07
XWS wants to possibly R: 2/08


Posts: 120 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Colorado
So Naive
♀ Member
Member # 5220
Default  Posted: 7:57 AM, December 8th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWS is a serial cheater. Many affairs and even more attempts at affairs, on over 10 dating sites and AFF. All of this while we were dating and living together. Shopped for girlfriends at work, online, and by mining old acqaintances.

Almost left me for the last slag, with a dramatic buildup to a spectacular d-day. On some level, he loved the drama.

We're almost 4 years out from d-day.

PROBLEM IS, that he is just like so many of the descriptions I've read in this thread. Nothing special about him! Can't remember, doesn't know, needs to move on, had an EPIPHANY after I caught him.

The KING of conflict avoiders.
Selfish, self-centered phony "nice guy". Disastrous first marriage involving guess what? Serial cheating and conflict avoidance. Horrible grown daughters from that marriage, lazy, greedy and self-centered.

Wimpy in his family and business life, he has expressed his rebelliousness through cheating. "I'll show you!", his behavior seems to say.

Of course, this guy doesn't begin to understand why he is this way. The very nature of his problem makes it virtually impossible to examine it.

Like so many WS's, he thinks it's all in the past. However, he is STILL secretive. He STILL witholds information on any topic that would spark uncomfortable conversation. He STILL wimps out with his ex-wife, children and and daddy, playing the role of passive little boy while they run roughshod over him.

He can't fathom that his behavior is actually very destructive.
sn


Posts: 1486 | Registered: Aug 2004 | From: northeast
raveyne
New Member
Member # 17499
Default  Posted: 3:20 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading these posts and I am so confused about my situation. My husband has confessed to 4 affairs. We have been together 5 years and married 3 years. The first affair started the week before we got married!!! He has been on AFF and several other adult sites. I caught him chatting on an adult site 3 months into us dating and we broke up. (In retrospect this should have been a clue). The second time I caught him chatting was in Jan 07 and then in Sep caught him in a full blown affair and he took two months before he decided to reconcile with me. He says that he has now turned his life over to God and loves me more than anything. He confessed to the 4 PA because he wanted to be honest and have a clean slate. He said he didnt feel worthy of me and suffered from low self-esteem. We have been trying to reconcile for 1 month and things seem to be going well but there are times when I am like WTF?? I thought we were happy and I thought I was a good wife to him. I dont feel like I am enough. He says I am the only woman he ever cheated on, which makes me wonder if I am just not the one for him. I am so confused and torn and I cant think of our past without wondering if any of it was real. He says he wants to start all over, but part of me says for what? The OW in the last PA which ended lasted 2 mos and ended in Nov is apparently still in love with him even though she is married. He says he is done and I have no way to verify if that is true. I saw the NC but she kept emailing after that even though he refuses to respond. Am I stupid for staying?


Wow! Bruised but not broken.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:24 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're stupid for staying at all. But I do think you need some concrete proof that he is giving up his serial cheating ways. My WH is a sex addict -- has cheated on me since before we were married (close to 13 years). I just found out six months ago -- hadn't a clue. And I've been completely mired in the "what's wrong with me" trap. In just the past few days I'm seeing my way clear of it. There's NOTHING wrong with me. Our marriage had its issues -- but he clearly had a whole lot more. Sounds like your husband is tentatively stepping toward recovery. But it's not as simple as "finding God" -- he needs to do some pretty hard work now to find out why he did what he did and what he plans to do next time he's tempted. I'd say IC is a definite must...and a support group (SAA, etc.) certainly wouldn't hurt.
And you need to stop looking at yourself as "wrong" (I know...I need to take my own advice). You were honest, trusting, faithful, forgiving...doesn't sound like such a bad package. You need to ask yourself, however, how you can be that good a friend to yourself now.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, January 2nd (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Getting out of the "I must not be good enough" mire is a killer. I've turned it around.

H

e says I am the only woman he ever cheated on

Maybe you were the only woman he felt he didn't "deserve". A lot of these men have terrible self esteem issues. My H never even cheated on his OW with the prostitutes. Said they were "exclusive" during that time. Of course, she was HIM, he was perfectly comfortable in her presence and with her as a sex partner.

It was only when he was home with me, the good, caring, faithful wife that he felt like a POS and ran back to her to feel better. Nothing like a POS that's worse than you to make you feel better.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
raveyne
New Member
Member # 17499
Content  Posted: 8:51 AM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you weepy and eternaloptimist. I needed to hear that. I love my husband and we are in counseling. He is trying really hard and I am learning he has some serious self esteem and father issues so I want to be there for him; but sometimes I wonder who this person is that I am becoming and who this person that I am married to is. I like myself and I was happy with myself. I can own my responsibility for things that were wrong in the marriage but not for his choices on how to cope with those issues. I am so cautious because I am a religious person so it is hard to argue with "I found God". Thanks again for all your words.


Wow! Bruised but not broken.

Posts: 9 | Registered: Dec 2007
lostsahm
Member
Member # 17136
Default  Posted: 7:10 PM, January 3rd (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also wonder if I am stupid for staying. sigh. I see WH and me in so many of these posts. He also started lying young. And has mentioned to both IC and MC that part of it was ego stroking. Geeze, I would have stroked his ego and more if he had just let me know.

We were just talking about having another baby. It obviously seems like bad timing now.

I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.


"Do what you feel in your heart to be right- for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't."
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Posts: 834 | Registered: Nov 2007
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:25 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Weepy,

Can you offer up your secrets on "turning it around?" I have days when it seems so clear -- of course it isn't about me. But many more days, especially lately, when I can't believe that it's NOT about me. How do you get past that? How do you get to a place where you can put the past in the past and stop using it as a crystal ball for the future?


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 6th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's hard to do that since my H lied about everything, not just his women. I found out after Dday that he had lied to me about why he graduated high school a year late. He told me it was because his private school credits didn't transfer and he was set back a year. Turns out, at 16 he ran away from home and moved in with his Gf. He essentially dropped out of school for almost a year. I asked him why he lost that year again after Dday and he told me to ask his mother. I did, she told me the true story.

So, how do I turn it around. I got to IC and she keeps reminding me that HE's screwed up, not me. That all the anger, all the lies are about him hating himself and creating another person. That he gets angry and pushes me away when I get too close because he fears that if ANYONE knows who he really is, NO ONE will want to be around him. He thinks he's that horrible.

I used to think he was like a candy with a hard shell, protecting his soft center. That might be true. He might be the biggest wimp on earth, but feels he has to hide it.

It helps that I see that soft center now and again to remind me that I'm on the right track knowing it's him with the issues.

I'm not saying I don't get down. I do, did this morning after sex, wondering how long before he craved something new again. I mean he's never going to start to have sex with me and find a couple of double Ds under that shirt, or a coiffed snatch or a special talent. He's seen everything, I've done everything I know. I worry that it won't be enough forever. But then I move on to what I can do, what a good person I am, how much my kids love and need me and his issues seem so less important.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:35 AM, January 7th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Weepy! Good advice -- and all so true in my case too.
Thanks also for the giggle. I too imagine these "porn star" women (and men, for that matter) with enormous breasts and plenty of tricks. However, I try to believe my WH when he says that it's different with me because he actually cares if I'm enjoying myself -- that he's focussed on me, not just himself. Also helps when he cries...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 7:05 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He was so good at making me feel crazy that he worked it so that he could go out to the bars any time and with whomever he pleased--otherwise I was 'controlling' him,

EXACTLY what he was doing to me! It is so good to hear that I'm not the only one who fell victim. He called me controlling a couple of times, let me know 'even his sister noticed' and I never again expected or demanded anything of him, for fear he was going around bad-mouthing me even more to his family, friends, and co-workers.

In our case, he didn't go to bars as far as I know, but he came home at any and all hours of the day (he worked nights and had a long commute) with the story that he was so exhausted he pulled over and took a nap in the car. Every once in awhile, he'd tell me a story about falling asleep at the wheel or spinning out across a crowded highway and the miracle nobody hit him. I wonder if any of those ever happened, or if they just kept me feeling guity about how hard he worked while he was actually having coffee and perhaps a lot more with ow2 during those years.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every once in awhile, he'd tell me a story about falling asleep at the wheel or spinning out across a crowded highway and the miracle nobody hit him. I wonder if any of those ever happened,

I hear you Capri. Anything to make us feel "worried" or concerned about them. That's part of the trap... they get to play 'victim' while victimizing.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 10:32 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't tell you how I always felt so bad for him, working so hard all night, being so tired, never getting enough sleep. And when he came home late, it was not just the naps, but, "Look, I went to the grocery store for you, and I filled the gas tank for you, and I did this, that, and the other for you."

The statment has been made on this forum that if there's opportunity, you can pretty much assume there was a PA. I hesitate because he was raised in Ireland in a social climate more like the 50's in the States. Maybe for him, that actually kept him from the worst? But the fact is, it will always haunt me, wondering if it was meeting for coffee as he finally admitted to, or if he was actually going home with her and having that nap in her bed, rather than at the truck stop.

He'd call me saying he was at the truck stop, 30 minutes from home, and it would still take him another 2-1/2 hours to actually get home.

I feel so stupid saying I believed him now, but my mom would say things like, "Are you pleasant to come home to? Maybe that's why he's not coming home." Or she'd say, "I've been with him when it takes him three hours to get a gallon of milk. We all know that's the way he is." And he is-- he almost always takes the kids with him these days, and it still takes him three hours to get a gallon of milk.

It kills me not knowing what end of the spectrum he's really capable of.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 10:35 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Capri, my H's failure to tell me everything has resulted in my "deciding" what happened. then he gets mad when I "get it wrong."

Yeah, my H was a "it takes him 2 hours to do everything" too kind of guy. But his OW lived 5 minutes from home, so every half hour he was missing COULD have been spent with her. He says no, but from the other thread, you know that he'll protect himself to his death.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
capri
♀ Member
Member # 14940
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, it's shocking... and yet...NOT... how alike all these guys are!

Yes, mine is the same way: he lies, lies, lies, lies, and then is all indignant if I get the story wrong. Up till about 5 or 6 years ago, he could still get me with that. I'd leave every conversation feeling like a complete fool because I'd once again 'screwed up.' I finally started keeping notes-- isn't that sad when you have to keep notes on your spouse just to reassure yourself of your own sanity?--and figured out what he was doing, both changing the story and that he never gave me the right or the complete information, anyway.

I have pointed out to him in clear terms that he is doing this and it's his own darn fault at this point if I can't get the story right based on half- and untrue- information, and neither could he. So far, he's just ignored that and not answered.

I believe mine will also carry his secrets, whether that's more or longer coffee dates than he's admitted to or torrid sex and a few more children, to his grave.

It's good to hear from other people that the same exact thing is being done to them.


Me: free of the secrets and lies!!!
Divorced 10/2011

Posts: 4483 | Registered: Jun 2007
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, January 14th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cap, nope, I threatened H that I was going to leave the VAR on all the time so I couldn't "misinterpret" what he said any more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
katiej
♀ Member
Member # 14724
Default  Posted: 11:54 PM, January 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just curious, did any of your FWH's/WH's have a good relationship with their fathers?

Mine didn't and I have read that others didn't as well.


First d-day Oct. '06. 3 more after that.
He is working hard. We are R.

Posts: 479 | Registered: May 2007
samy.singh70
♂ New Member
Member # 18017
Default  Posted: 6:59 AM, February 1st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear All,
I would like to present here a story of a woman whom I know since the past 1 year. She is married, smart, intelligent and offcourse beautiful also. Any man would fall for her. I too am married but not very happy on the physical front. Probably that was the reason why I got connected to that woman through online chat though we are in the same city. With time our interactions increased and were reaching a stage where we could have indulged in a physical relationship till I had this change of heart towards her. I fell in love and instead started counselling her to identify her problems and live happily with her husband and family. But she made a turnaround and started indulging in multiple relationships with two other males. Quite some time has passed by and she also admits feeling frustrated of all this but somehow is not able to come out of it. The problem is that though her demands are very physical in nature she is not able to admit it in front of her male partners which results in more frustration for all of them. I being a neutral spectator am able to understand her apathy but all my guidance goes in vain because when she has those so called sexual urges she is unable to control herself. I do not want to see her in so much distress but am unable to help her come out of all this. Can anyone suggest something on the future course of action. I have joined this forum with a lot of expectation and hope that we all collectively can share our griefs and happiness which will enable us to become better persons. Please respond ASAP
Thanks!!

Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: India
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