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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Multiple Affairs
SI Staff
Moderator
Member # 10
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Please use this thread if you have personallyexperienced multiple affairs committed by your spouse/partner.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002
Her Blondeness
♀ Member
Member # 8977
Default  Posted: 11:55 AM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll open the thread with the short version of my story. My ex had multiple affairs over the last seven years of our marriage while I was traveling for work. I was oblivious to it all until he began to get smug and sloppy, but even then I was in some pretty serious denial. I have never learned all the details of the affairs, but he told me some of the names, and I guessed several others.

What I will never understand is why ex insisted that I get pregnant at 40, 5 years into his adulterous, alcoholic lifestyle. We had lived childless, by choice, for almost 18 years of marriage at that point. My current theory is that on the December night he angrily threatened me if I didn't discontinue birth control, he had already made the decision to leave, but by having a baby, he could continue to control and manipulate me for life. Pretty sick plan, no?

I also wonder if he had some sort of misguided idea that if I got pregnant it would improve our marriage or somehow "make" him stop having affairs. Or even keep me so busy I'd never discover them. So many theories, but even he can't articulate why he did what he did. He's like our now four-year-old. "I don't know", "I just did" or his *imaginary friend* made him do it. .right.

Even though my dday was a long time ago, by SI standards. I still read and post mostly to help others and reassure them that there is a life after affairs and divorce.


D-day - a long time in the past
Today - happily living in the present and looking to the future

Posts: 621 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: Land of Fruit and Nuts
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a "multiple offender" too....but he doesn't think he is. He's been messing around with women online for years....many years. He gets into very sexually explicit discussions with anonymous women in private chat rooms, IMs, etc. It hurts like hell and has crushed my self esteem, but he doesn't see it as a problem. It's just "harmless" flirting.

We're now also going through the aftermath of a LT emotional affair with a woman he met back in 2005.


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh man, another group I can join. H has confessed to a 5 year LTA and multiple paid partners - he admitted to over 3 dozen, probably more.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
wasfooled2
♀ Member
Member # 13783
Default  Posted: 12:42 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Weepy, what was worse for you? The short, "paid" incidents or the LTA?


(Me) BS-39
(Him) WS-41 (serial cheater)
D-Day #7 2/24/07 (lost count)
Married 15 years; together for 23
Reconciled, or so I thought. Separated & divorcing.

Better off I sparkle on my own ~ Anna Nalick


Posts: 5583 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Chicago Suburbs
Formykids
♀ Member
Member # 12653
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just want to jump in and say that my wh had multiple affairs too...

I am STILL trying to get over it and stop having feelings for him...


Behind every successful man is his woman, behind the fall of a successful man is the other woman!

Confront the most BRUTAL facts of your current situation, so you are able to come back from difficulties not weakened but stronger!


Posts: 1352 | Registered: Nov 2006 | From: Texas
Shanesmom
♀ Member
Member # 13651
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here, too. My WH had multiple affairs.
He had many online affairs. But the first PA that I'm aware of lasted about 10 months before I found out about it. And while he was with that OW he was also with a 2nd OW. Both of them he met on adultfriendfinder.com.
I know there are others... it's just that WH only admits to what he's busted on. He doesn't just come clean with anything. I don't know how many more there are and probably never will.


Me - BS 35
Him- WS 35
1 son, age 9
Married 9 yrs, together for 12
Dday 1/31/07
Divorced on 10/12/07

Never make anyone a priority who makes you only an option.


Posts: 566 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: Denver, CO
incrisis
♀ Member
Member # 12945
Default  Posted: 12:59 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H had one LTA and about a dozen (according to him, wouldn't be surprised if the number was higher) other brief, strictly PA relationships while working away from home the last 4+ years.

It all came out in one big d-period starting this last fall, since which I don't think he's been W, but who the hell knows as he's still long distance.

I'm just trying to figure out which way is up.


BW: 40 (34 on DDay)
WH: 39 (33 on Dday, LTA and PAs)
M: 11 years, together 14, at time of S
3 kids
D-nial: 11/01/06
S: 07/21/07
D-ing! (very slowly)
--

Posts: 913 | Registered: Dec 2006
shenpa1
♀ Member
Member # 11710
Default  Posted: 1:13 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself here as well. My husband had multiple A's during the 5 years we lived together and throughout our entire marriage.

Her Blondeness, there seems to be no logic or rationale where addictions are concerned. Addicted people have this uncanny ability to
compartmentalize and to go to just about any lengths to keep the addiction intact.

My H went through the "I don't know" stage as well. This was just a place where he didn't have to accept any responsability for what he had done.

I often think "Wow, just 1-PA
you don't know how fortunate you are."


Me BS-49
H- WH-46
D-day #1 05/05 H Admits to PA #1
D-day #2 10/06 PA#2,3,4,&5 (ouch!)
Children: 3
Married 12 years



Posts: 396 | Registered: Aug 2006 | From: CA
weepy
♀ Member
Member # 8790
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

wasfooled: It's tough to say, some days it's the LTA, some days it's the pros. The LTA is the tough because she was a "real" person. They knew each other, had a routine, after 5 years she knew as much about my H's likes and dislikes in the bedroom as I do. Right after Dday, he dared to compare her "attitude" about sex with mine. Told me about her multiple Os and her seduction methods as reasons for it's length. The pros I can write off as strictly a warm body, but the expertise is tough, my sexual confidence was shattered by them.

And I've always said, I'd give anything for him to have had an anonymous ONS while drunk with some bar slut than anything else.


Dday: 9/12/05
M: 29 yrs( me anyway )
BS(me): 55 And I'm ok with that
FWS: 57- Multiple PAs, LTA 7? yrs.

Try not. Do or do not, there is no try. -- Yoda


Posts: 9340 | Registered: Nov 2005 | From: SE PA
HurtinCutie
Member
Member # 7798
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Multiple survivor here too. Each time he came forward to me about it and was remorseful. We basically swept things under the rug, however. Each confession felt like the rug was being pulled out from under me. I'm not saying I didn't have suspicions during the A's. I did!
However, I rationalized with "No, he wouldn't do that...there is no reason for that" and then "No, he wouldn't do that again". There weren't really any concrete problems in the M at the times of A. They were just times where H was overly stressed about life. They must have been a form of escape-ism. This last time, we have handled things much much differently.


That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City

Posts: 3889 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Canada
k94ever
♀ Member
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always try to find the good in everything. I know...pretty stupid of me.

The only good thing with all the FB's is that WS readily admits to only having serious feelings for one of them. The rest were pretty much vaginal masturbation.

k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6330 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
HurtinCutie
Member
Member # 7798
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The rest were pretty much vaginal masturbation.
K9 - never heard it put that way before. Good one!!


That's the thing about needs. Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore.
Can you get to your future if your past is present?
~Carrie Bradshaw Sex and the City

Posts: 3889 | Registered: Aug 2005 | From: Canada
wifetoj77
♀ Member
Member # 10781
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BTDT as well! He began trying to hook up with women two weeks after our second child was born. He was stupid and gave the girl our home number. Luckily she was nice and didn't want anything to do with him after I told her we were married!!

Next was online cheating, I busted him, then found out two and a half months later he was doing video chat and blowing lots of money on it.

Then there was a girl in his battallion that would be out every single time he was out. When i would walk away she would be at his side. of course he stuck up for her. Turns out they worked together while on deployment. I'll bet they did!!

Next thing was he called me hysterical one morning and made up some huge elaborate story as to why his wedding band got lost and he didn't call home the night before like he normally did. Hmmm, why would he lie if he had only lost his ring?? His answer, he was scared i would get mad. I'm not stupid!!

Last was OW he had an EA with from dec 27th till april 16th.

I swept everything under the rug as soon as it happened but with this last one, it ALL came out!


Me- BS- 32
Him- WH- 35
M- 15 years
Dday Easter Morning April 16, 2006
6 kids
Back to square one

Posts: 1203 | Registered: May 2006 | From: NE USA
hurtinTX
♀ Member
Member # 2185
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My XH had multiple affairs...

There is a 3rd name in there but I only know for sure of the first 2.

The disgusting part was that OW#2 worked with OW#1. They were "Friends" and OW#2 was having an affair on HER husband with another guy, lets call him guy B. So when things started to fall apart for OW#1 and my WH when I found out (WHILE PREGNANT with our first child) and guy B started cooling things off with OW#2 because his WIFE was getting suspicious- that's when OW#2 started sleeping with my WH, again before our son was born. The OW knew each other and it overlapped a bit there. It was completely disgusting. The worse part was seeing the email where my WH BEGS OW#2 to choose him over GUY B who is cheating on his wife. Talk about pathetic.

OW #1 thought she was something else getting a married man to leave his pregnant wife AND buy her a ton of gifts and OW#2 thought she was God's gift to men when she had GUY B, her husband (who wanted her back) and my WH after her. What a witch.

I heard a third name in there sometime and I believe OW#2 wasn't too thrilled about it.

At this point, I don't care to know the entire story. Just glad I'm out and one OW was more than enough to tell me it was OVER.

I'll never forget the day my church sunday school class moved me out of the house when I was 8 months pregnant and 2 more women (young girls) walked up on my porch and asked if WH was moving. They had no idea I was his wife or he had a wife. He was busy.


Me BW:24 (me 5 mos Pregnant)
WXH:24 D-day July 20th 2003
OW#1 33, MOW#2 43
WH filed for divorce Sept 2003
Had DS Oct 2003
Divorce Aug 30, 2004
Met SO. DD born Jan 5, 2007 w/SO!
DS born May 28, 2008 w/SO!
Married SO Nov 5, 2008!!! HAPPY!

Posts: 1927 | Registered: Sep 2003 | From: Texas
Hollow Inside
♀ Member
Member # 13123
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Count me in.

I found out about one OW, then I uncovered two more, THEN I found out that my STBXH was actually seeing all three at one point last November. When I discovered that he promised two of them that he would leave his family to take care of them, I knew that was defintely the end.

Actually, the multiple affair thing made it MUCH easier for me to decide to file for D.


~~Divorcing~~
"Let the games begin...!!"

Posts: 125 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Illinois
DownNotOut
♀ Member
Member # 10076
Default  Posted: 9:32 PM, April 3rd (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'll join in.

WH had 17 OW ranging from ONS to LTA.

There may have been more "online" activity but I don't know about it.

Anyone wants to ask questions, go right ahead. I'm an open book at this point.


"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."
~ nimbyone

"Beauty is between one's ears anyway, isn't it?"
~ bkewidow


Posts: 1606 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Unemployed and Hating It
BelleStar
♀ Member
Member # 13515
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My BF had multiple affairs both EA and PA. He still doesn't think he did anything wrong!!!????

This is the same guy who told me today on our way in to work that Anna Nicole must have been a real S**T to have so many guys claim her kid is their kid. And to quote him " what kind of whore would have fucked 10 guys in one year?"
I'm like WTF? You fucked over 25 different girls in one year and that's OK like you're not a slut, whore? Talk about double standards!


Posts: 1106 | Registered: Feb 2007
brokenwings
♀ Member
Member # 10333
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am here too!

My WH has been caught out 5 times with inappropriate behaviour such as texting asking for sex or other things. He was only caught out once when I was told by OWH that a physical affair was going on but I believe that the others were probably more than 'just friends'. We are separated, I dont hold out much hope this time for R. I deserve better, no matter how scary it is. At the moment I find it hard to cut my emotional feelings for him but I haveto find peace.


baby steps in all this, the only way.

Peace and healing is what I look for and what I wish for you.


Posts: 645 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: somewhere south of equator
IndianGiver
♀ Member
Member # 6056
Default  Posted: 7:43 PM, April 4th (Wednesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is my group!

Its so hard to sum up my WH's activities. While we were in MC, he admitted that the first time he was married he was never faithful, not one single month out of the entire 16 year marriage. He admitted to one ONS, the rest were all LTA with multiple people. When he and I started dating, unknown to me, he was seeing OW#1 for 7 years (but swears he dumped her for me). I found out about her before we married, so I was dumb to the rest. He was "dating" another 3 women. Then after we were married there was OW#2 which I only can confirm personally for 6 months (via a paging program found on our home PC), but I have friends who were also OW#2 and WH's coworker who says it was YEARS long, and then OW#3 he swears was a one time thing...but I don't think so. They acted all to lovey lovey for the 5 years he worked with her. I still have no idea who gave him the STD, these ladies all tested negative.

Sad. Really really sad.


Posts: 159 | Registered: Dec 2004 | From: New York
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