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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
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Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, January 27th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how do you cope with this?

is this thread very active?

BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
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Member # 42287
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, February 1st (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate!!

I discovered his "harem" after finding explicit pics & videos on FB n his computer. Asshat may have erased the files but he forgot to clear his history. Not to mention a disgusting group on Yahoo he belonged to (ewwww). I'll cop to hacking his accounts but I don't feel one shred of remorse. FB chats went back 6 months w/OW & the others went back to before our oldests first birthday!! FACEPALM!

"This love stuff is a motherf$&@?!"
Samantha~ Sex In The City

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 42303
Default  Posted: 8:54 AM, February 2nd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm new here.
We got married in September 2011, lived in different countries for a few months then he got a job in France and we moved there in April 2012 to start our fabulous new life together…

I found out in September 2012 my husband was on sex dating sites (on my computer) I checked the history and there it was screen name "dangler86". He claimed it wasn't him and that someone had hacked his email accounts. I pretended to believe him as I had just found out I was pregnant.

We rolled on till January but I checked his phone every time his back was turned and just knew he was not being honest. He was on the computer (his netbook) till late every night (1am-2am) and kept deleting the history (ditto for his iPhone's history). I just felt it was fishy so kept searching and found a link on his phone to a yahoo mail account (under an alias) which was full of hundreds of e mails to other women. Confronted him and he tried to claim it wasn't him (again…).Told him that wasn't going to work as some of the e mails used anecdotes that he used all the time and that the photos he'd sent were of him (one from our honeymoon with me cropped out). So he admitted it but said he'd gone onto the sites to try and find out who'd hacked his account the first time. Yeah right.

I thought of leaving but decided to stay as we'd only been married for a short time and I was now very pregnant. But I was very upset. I had taken screen shots of everything he had done - he asked to use my computer as his was out of battery power and deleted all of the evidence. Saying why keep it? It was part of the past. I started seeing a councillor to cope (this makes me laugh now as I was the one who was in her right mind)

So had the baby in April. Caught him again in September on sex sites in France and Scotland. This coupled with two incidents of aggression against the baby and myself made the situation utterly toxic. He asked me to leave on the 29th of September saying "I just want you to go and I never want to see you again" so I had our flights booked in 5 minutes flat.

He still denies being unfaithful. Although the latest crop of e mails give dates and places to meet….

Have started divorce proceedings and feel utterly broken

[This message edited by sadinscotland at 5:22 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Me BS 42
married 2 years
(2 step daughters from his first marriage 14,16)
1 baby boy 10 months old
d day :3x online shenanigans sept 2012, jan 2013, sept 2013
filed for divorce
Whit's fur ye'll no go by ye

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Scotland
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Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, February 3rd (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself constantly asking the same do we cope with this?

Last Thursday I found out that my H was still lying about things. I believe that he has stopped all of his online crap since April when I caught him with the spyware. However, he has lied since then about smoking. Smoking has been a struggle between us because he ALWAYS tries to hide it and when confronted he lies. Now the smoking I could get over its the constant lying and how easily it comes to him. And every time I catch him lying it rips the scab off of everything that has come on this last year.

I thought we were finally in a good place and moving forward and now I'm back to not knowing what to do? Do I stay and try to fix things. Do I leave and separate my self from the situation for a little while? Do I just throw in the towel? It's so hard especially having two young children.

I feel like there is no way we will ever be the same again like we were before I found everything out. I feel like he isn't the person I thought he was when we got married. I feel hurt and devastated.

I really don't know what to do??? Or where to look for guidance. I feel like if I talk to family or friends if I do decide to stay that I'm just a total idiot...sometimes just because I'm thinking about staying or even when we have a good day I feel like an idiot because of all he has done...


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 1:45 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel for all of you. I have no idea how to handle this but have been living with it for a long time.

WH lost his parents 4 years ago just a few months apart. He started getting distant and I believed it was that. I tried to give him all the love and support that he needed. 8 months later, he had a little episode of ED which it turns out was a big time guilt from having a sexting affair on line. I tried to get him to stop, but it continued on for a year until she got pushy about moving to where we live (she lived 2 states away) and the 2 of them moving in together. He doesn't see it as an affair as it was never physical. When I confronted early on just after the ED issue, I was told his sex life was none of my business and he is just doing it for fun. That was the only time he had ED, so I guess he doesn't feel guilty any more, but he doesn't make love anymore either, just has sex as often as I will let him.

Since then, another 2+ years, he has had numerous more contacts on line (I put a keylogger on so I can keep track of him) exchanging pictures, sex stories, compliments etc. He tells these women how awesome, beautiful, pretty etc that they are. Me, I was told years ago that he doesn't give compliments, when I found out about one of these, I was told that there was nothing about me worth a compliment. I don't confront as I want to know what he is doing. Last summer, he was in contact with a local woman who wanted to meet up. He did tell her "had an issue last time and not sure I want to go there again". This makes me acutely aware that I need to keep following him. He also deletes all evidence from the computer so as to keep me from knowing.

The situation has degenerated into him looking at them whenever I am not in the room, looking and talking to them for 2 hours after he gets home from p.m. shift and coming to bed wanting a quickie, and generally filling his life with them. When it comes to me, he doesn't look at my nude body and doesn't do foreplay, but wants sex and me to do oral on him all the time.

Other than the problem with our sex life, he is an okay husband, helping me when I am sick, being there for me when I need him etc. I just can not get him to give me what I need and want pertaining to sex, because he has given it all to other women. I even feel terrible about myself because I constantly am thinking about how he will look at any type of women (old, young, big, small and everything in between) but not me and how hideous that makes me feel about my body. It is difficult to remind myself that it is him and not me.

At my age, and just a couple years from retirement, it feels hopeless as I can't see being able to live on what I would get from a divorce.

me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 42270
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, February 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH is a musician who is on the road a lot. After the A was revealed, I found that he had numerous women from around the world on his skype account (though he deleted all of the messages before I could see them). Sometimes when I was asleep in the early morning hours he would chat with them. Probably sexual. I'll never know. But this was throughout our relationship. I know that it's ego/shame driven for him. Doesn't make it right, or an easier for me. Still trying to R.

Posts: 83 | Registered: Jan 2014
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Member # 42229
Default  Posted: 1:14 PM, February 14th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

how long do these last? if it was strictly online and text and the wh told the ap it was over and she forgives him what does that even mean? you can't go back to being friends only cause that's just weird. gah my brain is going bonkers!

BS: 37
WS: 39
Kids: 3
Together: 19 years
OEA with at least 2 women in other states, now not speaking to one but the other one is lingering past her expiration date
D-Day 12-24-13
talking, working on relationship

Posts: 33 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Oklahoma
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Member # 41192
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, February 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmmm, I guess I kind of belong here too, been posting in the SA thread. H didint necessarily have affairs but is a huge fan of cam sites, would have dirty sex chats w strange women and masturbate together on cam, gross. Said it wasn't cheating because he wasn't touching her or vice versa, yeah still cheating dude. Had a key logger on my computer while out of town, that was a super shocking email to get full of screen shots yuck. Can't get the convos or screen shots out of my head, kind of like watching a bad car accident :/

Me: 32 Him WS: 33, 2 little boys
Him: EA with coworker, porn/cam/chat site/Craigslist addict. Diagnosed as SA and working towards wellness
Together 15yrs, married 6yrs
Dday 9/2013, more discovered 1/26/14
Trying to reconcile, again

Posts: 107 | Registered: Nov 2013
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Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 9:51 PM, March 8th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find myself ridding a roller coaster. I can go a day without thinking about what my H did. But when we are apart (he sometimes travels for work) I find my mind wondering back to what he did and scratching at the scars.

When this happens I check his e-mail that he used for all the sites (I have the password now and he has no access) I feel like I'm obsessed that there's going to be something new that pops up one of these times.

I also have run into family members mention some of the sites that he has been on. These are members that do not know what we have been going through or that H has been cheating. Now I am paranoid that someone is going to come across one of his profiles or something that I missed and haven't deleted or deactivated.

Not to mention I'm coming up on our anniversary date of when I found everything at the end of this month...UGGGGGH

I feel like I start to get thing together and than BOOM I get knocked down again.

How is everyone else doing??

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 8:40 PM, March 12th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Anyone have any idea how long of a time line before you feel like you could "let it go"?? I randomly check my husbands phone and tonight when I asked him for it he wanted to know "how long until I let it go" and it made me mad that he would even ask. I asked him how long it would take him to get over stuff like this and his response was he would try not to let it but him so long. Then I tried talking about triggers and how there are sooo many because it went on for so long and its hard to turn everything off. Frustrated and wish there was a way to get him to feel the way I feel.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
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Member # 41705
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought that the EA my WH was having with his coworker was the first time he has strayed. But after reading this topic because of something my Physician said, I know he's been involved in online cheating. My doc said that he hears about this ten to twenty times a day, after I told him that WH would get up every night between 1 and 2 and be on the computer. Our house is old and creaky, do if I was awakened, he had lots of warning, and when I asked what he was doing, he would say that he was editing photos. Well after our separation, while his computer was still in our house, I looked at his photos. He had downloaded something called Facedub, and put my face on some other scantily clad woman's body. No that my body is unattractive, but I don't dress like a sleazy woman. He was way deep into fantasy, and I know now that he was not just playing with our photos. He would purposely go to bed at 10 so he could get up and play at night on the computer. Then be tired and grouchy the next day. Worthless POS.

Posts: 82 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Upstate New York
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Member # 37907
Default  Posted: 12:25 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi everyone. Online cheating is my husbands main vice. I have discovered too many hurtful things over the course of our marriage. He would put out ads on CL and try to find men and women to dirty chat, exchange pics and convince to have phone sex. Although he had periods where I would find out and he would stop, he always went back. Our last DD was 2/28. Since then he has admitted that he is SA and started to go to SAA meetings. He even shared with me that in those meetings he would hear things from others and think "I'm not as troubled as THOSE people." After a moment of reflection he realized he is one of those people. He has an addiction that he cannot control, although it has not manifested into more extreme behavior. I am thankful he is getting help and wants to stop the cycle before it escalated even further.

I have a feeling in the years to come this problem people have will yield more seeking help. It is not harmless it is cheating and even for single people this behavior can escalate into unhealthy and even illegal actions. I hope we as a society can take the shame out of it and treat it as a mental illness. Good luck and love to all being affected by this.

Me: BS 30s
Him: SAWH, 30s sexting, pic sharing & phone sex with men & women
2 kids, M 8 yrs
DD#1 3/08, DD#2 7/11, DD#3 10/12 DD#4 2/14
OW #1 PA from 6/13-8/13 CL Troll
OW #2 EA from 11/13-2/14 online/phone sex A
Taking R 90 days at a time.

Posts: 102 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Mid west
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Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess I'm the newest member of this club. My WH and I started playing an online game and obviously he liked it a lot more than I did. He struck up a friendship with some of the people there and then started private chatting with her. Their affair lasted 3 months. Their conversation went from the game chat to FB Messenger. Photos, explicit conversations, saying ILY. I found it all when I looked through his phone. I left that night, then a week and a half later realized I did nothing wrong, so why was I the one sleeping on my SIL's couch? So I kicked him out and took my home back. He can't come back until I have proof that he's remorseful and is sustaining NC. Also, he needs to be in IC and showing signs of growth and understanding his behavior.

Right now I'm trying to focus on me. I'm implementing the 180, trying to stay busy (not very successful the last few days, I can feel myself slipping into depression), and taking one day at a time.

Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
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