is this thread very active?
I discovered his "harem" after finding explicit pics & videos on FB n his computer. Asshat may have erased the files but he forgot to clear his history. Not to mention a disgusting group on Yahoo he belonged to (ewwww). I'll cop to hacking his accounts but I don't feel one shred of remorse. FB chats went back 6 months w/OW & the others went back to before our oldests first birthday!! FACEPALM!
I found out in September 2012 my husband was on sex dating sites (on my computer) I checked the history and there it was screen name "dangler86". He claimed it wasn't him and that someone had hacked his email accounts. I pretended to believe him as I had just found out I was pregnant.
We rolled on till January but I checked his phone every time his back was turned and just knew he was not being honest. He was on the computer (his netbook) till late every night (1am-2am) and kept deleting the history (ditto for his iPhone's history). I just felt it was fishy so kept searching and found a link on his phone to a yahoo mail account (under an alias) which was full of hundreds of e mails to other women. Confronted him and he tried to claim it wasn't him (again…).Told him that wasn't going to work as some of the e mails used anecdotes that he used all the time and that the photos he'd sent were of him (one from our honeymoon with me cropped out). So he admitted it but said he'd gone onto the sites to try and find out who'd hacked his account the first time. Yeah right.
I thought of leaving but decided to stay as we'd only been married for a short time and I was now very pregnant. But I was very upset. I had taken screen shots of everything he had done - he asked to use my computer as his was out of battery power and deleted all of the evidence. Saying why keep it? It was part of the past. I started seeing a councillor to cope (this makes me laugh now as I was the one who was in her right mind)
So had the baby in April. Caught him again in September on sex sites in France and Scotland. This coupled with two incidents of aggression against the baby and myself made the situation utterly toxic. He asked me to leave on the 29th of September saying "I just want you to go and I never want to see you again" so I had our flights booked in 5 minutes flat.
He still denies being unfaithful. Although the latest crop of e mails give dates and places to meet….
Have started divorce proceedings and feel utterly broken
[This message edited by sadinscotland at 5:22 AM, February 10th (Monday)]
Last Thursday I found out that my H was still lying about things. I believe that he has stopped all of his online crap since April when I caught him with the spyware. However, he has lied since then about smoking. Smoking has been a struggle between us because he ALWAYS tries to hide it and when confronted he lies. Now the smoking I could get over its the constant lying and how easily it comes to him. And every time I catch him lying it rips the scab off of everything that has come on this last year.
I thought we were finally in a good place and moving forward and now I'm back to not knowing what to do? Do I stay and try to fix things. Do I leave and separate my self from the situation for a little while? Do I just throw in the towel? It's so hard especially having two young children.
I feel like there is no way we will ever be the same again like we were before I found everything out. I feel like he isn't the person I thought he was when we got married. I feel hurt and devastated.
I really don't know what to do??? Or where to look for guidance. I feel like if I talk to family or friends if I do decide to stay that I'm just a total idiot...sometimes just because I'm thinking about staying or even when we have a good day I feel like an idiot because of all he has done...
WH lost his parents 4 years ago just a few months apart. He started getting distant and I believed it was that. I tried to give him all the love and support that he needed. 8 months later, he had a little episode of ED which it turns out was a big time guilt from having a sexting affair on line. I tried to get him to stop, but it continued on for a year until she got pushy about moving to where we live (she lived 2 states away) and the 2 of them moving in together. He doesn't see it as an affair as it was never physical. When I confronted early on just after the ED issue, I was told his sex life was none of my business and he is just doing it for fun. That was the only time he had ED, so I guess he doesn't feel guilty any more, but he doesn't make love anymore either, just has sex as often as I will let him.
Since then, another 2+ years, he has had numerous more contacts on line (I put a keylogger on so I can keep track of him) exchanging pictures, sex stories, compliments etc. He tells these women how awesome, beautiful, pretty etc that they are. Me, I was told years ago that he doesn't give compliments, when I found out about one of these, I was told that there was nothing about me worth a compliment. I don't confront as I want to know what he is doing. Last summer, he was in contact with a local woman who wanted to meet up. He did tell her "had an issue last time and not sure I want to go there again". This makes me acutely aware that I need to keep following him. He also deletes all evidence from the computer so as to keep me from knowing.
The situation has degenerated into him looking at them whenever I am not in the room, looking and talking to them for 2 hours after he gets home from p.m. shift and coming to bed wanting a quickie, and generally filling his life with them. When it comes to me, he doesn't look at my nude body and doesn't do foreplay, but wants sex and me to do oral on him all the time.
Other than the problem with our sex life, he is an okay husband, helping me when I am sick, being there for me when I need him etc. I just can not get him to give me what I need and want pertaining to sex, because he has given it all to other women. I even feel terrible about myself because I constantly am thinking about how he will look at any type of women (old, young, big, small and everything in between) but not me and how hideous that makes me feel about my body. It is difficult to remind myself that it is him and not me.
At my age, and just a couple years from retirement, it feels hopeless as I can't see being able to live on what I would get from a divorce.
When this happens I check his e-mail that he used for all the sites (I have the password now and he has no access) I feel like I'm obsessed that there's going to be something new that pops up one of these times.
I also have run into family members mention some of the sites that he has been on. These are members that do not know what we have been going through or that H has been cheating. Now I am paranoid that someone is going to come across one of his profiles or something that I missed and haven't deleted or deactivated.
Not to mention I'm coming up on our anniversary date of when I found everything at the end of this month...UGGGGGH
I feel like I start to get thing together and than BOOM I get knocked down again.
How is everyone else doing??
I have a feeling in the years to come this problem people have will yield more seeking help. It is not harmless it is cheating and even for single people this behavior can escalate into unhealthy and even illegal actions. I hope we as a society can take the shame out of it and treat it as a mental illness. Good luck and love to all being affected by this.
Right now I'm trying to focus on me. I'm implementing the 180, trying to stay busy (not very successful the last few days, I can feel myself slipping into depression), and taking one day at a time.