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Newest Member: Elizablue (43208)

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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Breakingpoint, I think each couple has their own rules. When I caught him, I heard so many exclaim that this behavior is permissible in their relationships. I can't get my mind around that. Personally for me, if your
're online making suggestive comments regardless to who, that's cheating.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gumdropped- I agree with Mingliki it could just be spam. I found that the sites my husband was a member of usually showed up in his regular e-mails, and spam was just that spam. Now when I first found his stuff, before confronting him, I wanted as much info that I could so I made my own memberships to see what his profile said etc..Ever since then I have been receiving spam for multiple dating/porn sites. It's difficult because he received so much from ones he was never a part of.

I think this is part of the temptation. The major site he was on, Adult Friend Finder, he only came across because when he was on another site it was a pop up so he decided to check it out. That's the one he visited the most.


Breakingpoint- What constitutes as cheating- My husband started with just porn. During this time I was pregnant and we were restricted on sex because I was having complications. During this time I found out he was using porn. This bothered me but I understood it-we weren't being active because of the pregnancy. So I accepted it and moved on.
3 years later I found out that he was chatting with other woman and webcam with them. This too bothered me greatly. I had some copies of the IMs and it wasn't until I installed the spyware that I found out he was actually exposing himself and watch girls do the same. This to me is cheating. The conversations alone I think could count as EA but when he was "getting off" to other woman I find that to be physically cheating because its not me. Hope that helps...

Mingliki-I'm so sorry that your daughter found out! I can't imagine! I guess it's a benefit of my children being so young they have NO idea what's going on.

Gumdropped- I used Spyrix keylogger when I busted him. It's free and did the job. It takes logs of the keys pressed so you can find out passwords if needed and even takes screen shots of what hes looking at. This is how I found out he was exposing I had a nice picture burned into my brain.

Hope this helps.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ugh, Adult Friend Finder. That place is the epitome of this action. I too made my own account and was horrified that not only do that offer an outlet but actually encourage this! Made my stomach turn. In any event, again it has been four years and my biggest hurdle is trust. Even though there has been no indication of anything continuing, even though he has been super supportive and owns his actions, I still find myself checking. I am not sure if the trust issue will ever go away.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
mingliki
♀ New Member
Member # 40986
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 18th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ugh, Adult Friend Finder. That place is the epitome of this action. I too made my own account and was horrified that not only do that offer an outlet but actually encourage this! Made my stomach turn. In any event, again it has been four years and my biggest hurdle is trust. Even though there has been no indication of anything continuing, even though he has been super supportive and owns his actions, I still find myself checking. I am not sure if the trust issue will ever go away.

Posts: 7 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: United States
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 10:43 AM, October 19th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On another topic in here I got some good advice. Trust but verify. Apparently the decision that he made to cheat has branded me with the need to check up on him forever. Or until I decide that it's just not worth the effort.....


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
angelsky
♀ New Member
Member # 41061
Default  Posted: 9:38 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I work on my computer at home, and it is so difficult to just work and not check up on him. It's only been 3 weeks since Dday, and I gather from some of the other posts that this is normal and will go on for some time? Will I ever be able to look at him and not see the "escorts" he was communicating with? I just read the 180 today, and I am trying, but it is SO HARD, and it doesn't even seem like he cares one way or the other.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 3:17 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Where do I find the 180? Can't find it. And can anyone help me to find secret e mail accounts? I know he used a different one 6 months ago but I don't have the password and wouldn't know how to find others


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
angelsky
♀ New Member
Member # 41061
Default  Posted: 11:48 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is in the FAQ for BS #11. Can't help you with the how to find emails. I got lucky and found it in a FB post to a girl he was trying to pick up who subsequently banned him from contacting her. From there, I just answered his security question,changed his password and had access to way, way, way TMI!! I wish you prayers and peace. I have found mine for now. I realize the relationship before the cyber dating was not worth fighting for now. My kids agree, shame to say about their father, but too true. Good luck in your journey.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 6:10 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Angelsky - thanks for your help. I do have his facebook logon and password but it is not a personal page. I see the friends he has on there - more women than men - funny that - so I could check his messages I guess. I am considering putting the key logger back on his computer. I have a Discover It program now to detect porn and chats - although he has used Yahoo in the past and it doesn't detect those. God I hate all of this covert stuff!!!!


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 10:35 PM, October 23rd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Angelsky- I can relate to how hard it is to not constantly be checking up on WS. As of this summer I became a stay-at-home-mom and it is SO difficult not to constantly be on the computer checking his e-mail, facebook, and looking at dating sites to see if he has an account. I try to stay busy with the kids and craft projects so I stop circling back to the computer :-(

Gumdropped- There is actually a program you can set up where you can control everything he does on the computer. I have a friend who went through the same thing we are and she told me about a program that she is the admin to and it doesn't allow her H to go to any porn sites etc. He can't even search the stuff. I sent her a text asking the name of it so as soon as I hear back I will post it.

I don't think our WS understand what they put us through. I will go a couple of days of having "good" days. But this morning I woke up after having a dream of him cheating and I see some of the girls I caught him webcam with (thank you spyware) and I wake up angry and upset all over again. Does this happen to anyone else? It makes me paranoid all over again!!!


Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 3:13 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

At this moment I don't know if there is any porn but I did get a Discover It program to find out. I'm terrified of what I might find but as I work thru what has become of my life I realize that all of this checking has become my reality. The trickle truths are things that I am finding out. Not anything that he is telling me.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gumdropped,

I don't have any specific advice for finding out secret e-mail accounts unless he's short-sighted enough to have set them up on a phone or in an e-mail program like Outlook.

If he's using Chrome, though, and logging into that browser with a gmail account (so it synchronizes bookmarks and stuff across computers), you can check the History on any computer his Chrome account is logged on to and see where he's been going.

You can also check any saved passwords in Chrome's Settings and "unhide" them to see what they are. That's how I was able to find my own WW's Google chat logs.

In fact, if you've got physical access to his computer enough to install a keylogger, there's really no information you can't get provided you have some time and a couple of computer-savvy friends to help out.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree try to get a key logger installed ASAP. They do wonders. Also, the program is called Web Watchers. With Web Watchers you can have total control over what is viewed over the internet...I think I haven't tried it.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Ascian and Mottwobb. Great info. Has anyone made it far enough to get to the investigative forum? I tried the Discover It porn located on the computer but there is something wrong with the program so have to wait til Monday to get in touch with tech help. Too bad as I had great access to the computer the last few days and that doesn't happen that often. I did finally chat with a friend about all of this and I seem to feel better about everything. Maybe me not carrying the load myself has unburdened me a bit.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
motwobb1
♀ New Member
Member # 38903
Default  Posted: 8:33 PM, October 26th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gumdropped-
Look into keyloggers it will capture everything he types and looks at. And it takes screen shots so I would imagine if he has files on the computer that would she them if he accesses them. And it will log any password he uses to get into his accounts/folders/etc....

Posts: 22 | Registered: Apr 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, October 28th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Mottwobb thanks. I did have a key logger on for a while and nothing was suspicious He was having troubles with his lap top and was going to take it in for servicing so I removed it. He hasn't so maybe I should do that again. This occupies my days more than I can believe !


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
ascian
♂ Member
Member # 40304
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gumdropped, I'm still chasing that coveted (?) 51 legit posts, so I'm not able to access the Investigative forum yet. I am, in the meantime, making some notes on what I did once I discovered the chatlogs between my WW and the AP - how I verified without alerting, some security issues in common apps that I was able to exploit, what the advantages of being an IT professional with good control of your home network are (:D) and so on. Once I get those presentable, I'll see if they're duplicating anything in the investigation forum, and offer those that don't to the community at large.

While I didn't need any tips on how to find out, the support that SI has provided on bad days has been very welcome, and I'd like to pay that back as I can.


Me - BH 39
Her - FWW 36
D-Day: 8/13
Working on R

Posts: 262 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Midwest
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 30th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ascian it is yourself and others on here that give us hope that one day our nightmare will end. I look forward to that information. Trigger night last night and another go around. SO turns everything around again so that he is the victim. He has this down pat. I am heartbroken and he doesn't consider it lying to me about his two on line affairs. He said he omitted telling me things. Nether if us are in a good place today. I have written down three things that I want to happen and will give it to him when he gets home. 1. Phone and credit card reports for the last 5 months to prove NC and friend me on his business FB page and update his status to in a relationship. 2.go to couples counselling with me and he will pay for it. 3. Be willing to help me in any way that I need to get over this and quit resorting to victim mode when the going gets rough. That's it and I really hope that he Gets His Head Out Of His Ass and finally sees the damage he has done and starts the healing process for both of us. God I am so tired.......


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
Gumdropped
♀ Member
Member # 40798
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 31st (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Better day yesterday. I think I finally got thru to him. The 180 helped. When he asked if he should leave to deal with his issues I said yes that night and it scared him silly! He called from work , said he had some documentation and didn't want to lose me. We had a long great talk. The best one yet. He showed me the credit card statement that I had been asking to see since May. Has agreed to get his cell phone records for the last 6 months to prove no contact. I think we can finally start to go forward. Because of yesterday's chat I find that I have no immediate need to check his e mail, phone etc as his NC seems to be legit. A breath of hope.


Me: 55
Him: 59
Together 2 years


Living together 14 months
D day May 13th 2013
R


Posts: 156 | Registered: Sep 2013
angelsky
♀ New Member
Member # 41061
Default  Posted: 4:34 AM, November 2nd (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He swears it was all "innocent, just flirting around, having a little fun" cause he felt bad about himself and where he is in life. He works 12 hour shifts in an office by himself with his own personal laptop that he does not ever bring home. He swears he won't do it again, that he didn't mean to hurt me, etc. But how do I believe that when 3 weeks ago (right after dday and first time we had sex in months) he was back on cl asking people if he could txt from his computer. He knew I was checking his phone records, so he was back to sneaking... Just don't know how I can know when the only time he did it was at work, and I certainly can't ask him to quit his job. otherwise there would really be no reason for me to stay! Things seem to be going well. He really seems sorry for hurting me, but he still doesn't see it as cheating (even with over 200 female contacts and 2 messages from "escorts" over at least 8 months). Would it be over the top to ask him to bring his computer home with him?

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013
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