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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
heavyhearted1
♀ Member
Member # 34814
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, August 13th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What's frustrating is, once they know you know what they're up to, they find ways to hide what they're doing. They know they got caught this way or that way, so they do their online crap differently. I don't know how to trust him because I feel like he's just hiding what he's doing better than before, but when I find something suspicious, he doesn't go out of his way to explain what's going on-he just denies, denies, denies.


Me (BW)- 32
WH- 33
Married 13 years, have 3 children together.

D-Day 9/21/11


Posts: 64 | Registered: Feb 2012
lonelymommy
♀ New Member
Member # 36242
Default  Posted: 8:39 AM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to all the posts here. My husband has been chatting for a few years. At first it was other couples but changed to other women. I tried to ignore it thinking it is just strangers online. It started really bothering me when he started clicking down his chats whenever I got near the computer. His started putting webcams on his computer. I realized he has another email he uses for chatting as well.

I started an email account and sent him an email looking for erotic chat. Boy did I get erotic chat. He even sent pictures of himself to her(with me in them). I brought up meeting in the emails and he said he has met a few times and was excited to meet. He even told the other woman his wife knows he chats and is fine with it.

I figured he needed more from me so started being everything and more he could want in the bedroom. He told me he deleted all his contacts and was not chatting anymore right after he sent an email to the woman I created.

He lies with such ease it scares me. I brought up his profile on AFF and he said it was a mistake, did not know how it got there and deleted it. I know this isn't true because he was visiting it every few days.

It feels like things are spinning out of control and if I question too much then I am the bad guy. I have not put a keylogger on his computer since he is really computer savvy and would probably notice it. Is it so bad that you just want to trust someone and not worry about what they are doing when they are on the computer.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2012
lastin12
♀ Member
Member # 34709
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, August 15th (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to everyone here too especially lonelymommy!

When I discovered that WH had lied again (by answering a fake ad I placed on Craigís List) I told myself I was done. I was so angry and humiliated! (you can see previous posts that this wasn't the first time i caught him on the internet) Itís been 3 weeks and Iíve been pretty good at NC. He has sent me flowers and cards. He has also joined a recovery program for sex addiction and is also going to church. He says it took for him to hit rock bottom to realize what was wrong with him. He keeps saying heís going to make this right and get better for himself and then prove to me he can be the husband of my dreams.
The last couple of days, Iíve started thinking about how much I miss him and how great it would be if he finally ďgot itĒ. I keep thinking what if he really is changingÖ His friends are even noticing. Iím really struggling with the fact that Iím entertaining the idea of giving him another shot. There have been several DDays. He has admitted to cheating, but won't tell me how many (says I won't believe him). He said it wasn't just physical for him!!:( Iím mad at myself for feeling this way!!!! I know itís way too early and he has no clue Iím even thinking thisÖ A huge part of me is fighting this feeling because I keep remembering all the pain Iíve felt over the last several years and never wanting to feel that pain again.. I guess Iím just wondering if anyone else has felt and struggled with the same feelings and what you did about it.
He's been sending me updates on his progress via email the last week. He seemed to be doing good, which made me miss him! :(
BUT******
On that, today he called from a blocked number and said I just wanted to hear your voice and say hello. We talked for a little bit (his mother is in the hospital). He then asked when I was going to tell him whether or not I was working on this or filing for divorce. I told him I was unsure and just working on myself right now. He said he needed an answer soon because he can't keep living in limbo and he wants to show me how he's changed.
I told him he needs to be in counseling and fixing this for himself. I said it's only been 3 weeks. He said I know, I still have a lot of work to do, but I've realized a lot. I also said I've been living in limbo for years not knowing what was going to happen next... I said divorce is a big decision and i wasn't ready to make any moves yet. I mean I still feel like I have no answers and I'm still in this fog... Trying to figure out what has happened to my life the last 7 years!! He then made me feel bad and said that while he was working on himself to fix our marriage, I'm busy working and going out with my friends. I'm still feeling guilty and I'm not sure why? I'm kind of in shock right now... How dare he pressure me to give him an answer because he's in limbo, WTF????


Posts: 95 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: New York
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 18th (Saturday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told my husband 14 years ago that I didn't like the fact that he used porn and chat as it would lead to other things. A month ago he told me I had been right all along. If only I felt good about that.

He gave up camera chat when we got married. But he carried on looking at porn. When our first child was 1, I remember him saying it didn't do anything for him any more so he needed amateur porn with "real people" in it. Sure enough that led to chat rooms, web cams, and finally to a ONS. He says just one... and his behaviour was weird after it so I believe him.

He has now banned himself from porn / chat / webcams thank god. Although this blanket ban means I am responsible for keeping him satisfied. Some days I can cope with that. Some days I don't want him anywhere near me. He is finding the lack of consistency hard to bear, which I can understand.

I was SO glad to find this thread, because for 14 years I was told, "It's nothing, it's just entertainment", and now even he admits it wasn't fair to me. I learned to live with the porn but when it comes to real people at the end of a conversation or webcam chat it's another matter.

He told me some nights he sat up until 4am chatting to people. No wonder he never used to get up at a decent hour at weekends. And he has always looked tired since I have known him.

I know this has happened a lot (for him). I don't want to dig too deep as I am having trouble coping with his ONS at the moment, but he didn't get emotionally involved with any of the people he web cam chatted with, he chatted about sex and then emailed a bit. But of course, all of that eventually led to his ONS.

As others have said, I can't use a keylogger as he works in IT and would notice it in a flash.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
nopeace
♀ New Member
Member # 36389
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is there anyone out there still posting on this thread? My WH had an online affair with OW who he met on FB playing a game. They both stopped playing about a month after they met. He then spent all of his free time (ALL) either on IM or leaving the house to talk to her. He has a prepaid cell phone and I figure he spent over $1,000 for cards in a 2 month period!

During all of this, my H decided to go away for a night with some guy friends before starting work again (he was laid off for 3 months).

I knew something was going on, begged and pleaded with him not to go and he left. I didn't sleep that night.

Didn't find out about the A until 26 days later - by accident!

He said the A was over and he will not contact her again.

A month later I found a secret email account and they were sending love songs to each other on youtube. I confronted again.

He swore all contact was broken a few days before I found the account and now 3 months later he swears he has not spoken to her since.

My gut tells me that this is a lie. Having online email and chat accounts is so easy. My H is a computer tech... I can't put any monitoring program into his computer and I can't find anything although I search CONSTANTLY. Anyone else going crazy over this?


ME -BW 43
HIM -WH 36
DDay 26 April, 2012
2nd DDay 14 May, 2012
Online affair for 6 months
1 night in a hotel together
2 children boy/girl twins 12 yrs
Trying to find myself again.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi nopeace. Our problems also started online and will most likely end there.

Today I bought eBlaster by Spectorsoft. It doesn't show up in the places usual software do. The only problem I will have is if my WH checks the exceptions list on his virus checker but I figured it was worth the risk.

He works in IT as well... I thought about this long and hard but I couldn't stand the worrying.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 10:53 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
nopeace
♀ New Member
Member # 36389
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

CallMeRed... your Dday was only a month ago, oh how I feel for you. I am at a little over 3 months and at least there have been some moments of peace and even a few times that I laughed. Hang in there.

My husband has a program called spybot search and destroy. It is free to download and it finds everything and anything including eblaster. You can make exceptions but they clearly show up when he opens the program.

And he has formatted his computer twice and his phone twice in the last 3 months. Is he cleaning up or just keeping himself busy? His first reaction after he said the A was over was to build a huge entertainment center in our living room.

I have yet to find something I trust to put into his computer. Have tried at least 12 programs and either windows defender finds it, the spybot finds it or the antivirus finds it.

I have been going crazy with this and really don't know what to do anymore. I have thought about trying to find something to put on our router that will at least track websites visited but our stupid router is so new fangled that it doesn't support this kind of thing. If I find something good, I'll let you know. Keep me posted as your good news might just make me feel better! ((HUGS))


ME -BW 43
HIM -WH 36
DDay 26 April, 2012
2nd DDay 14 May, 2012
Online affair for 6 months
1 night in a hotel together
2 children boy/girl twins 12 yrs
Trying to find myself again.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Aug 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi nopeace. I basically have until my husband opens up that exceptions folder. Maybe he will, maybe he won't, but even if he discovers it he will know I don't trust him any more and that can't be a bad thing.

My, oh my, our WHs sound familiar. My WH has spent most of today working on an IT project which he is now obsessing about. He's always like this, when he starts something he's absorbed which totally makes sense now he's been diagnosed as having the profile of a sex addict as well.

I am just so glad I installed eBlaster today though as he's been on that computer for about 8 hours straight. I'd be going out of my mind if I hadn't put it on there. As it happens I have gone about my day doing routine things and acting cheerful and checking my emails every time it's 26 minutes past the hour


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 2:22 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PS the reports I have read so far have been so dull. I can't believe the boring emails he and his brother send each other and the rest of it is all C programming. Yawn!


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
lonelymommy
♀ New Member
Member # 36242
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It just never ends does it. After a week of not responding to the fake woman I made up, he sent an email today. I asked him if he wanted to meet at lunch and he said yes if his wife was okay with it and that his wife may want to come to the first few meetings. This is after I told him that it would break my heart if he was still chatting. What a liar!!! I have no hope of this ever stopping. He would never admit in a million years that he is a sex addict but that is what he is.

How can he talk to another woman about being all turned on by her emails and thank goodness he is wearing loose pants and then text me about how great it was with us last night 10 minutes later. So sad and it's hard acting like nothing is wrong in front of my kids. I hope my girls never have to deal with a man like their father.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2012
TXBW68
♀ Member
Member # 36456
Default  Posted: 9:28 PM, August 21st (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH left to continue an EA with a coworker 1500 miles away. Walked out on a 20 yr relationship and 2 kids for an internet/text/phone affair. I never saw it coming. I bought every line. He had never given me any reason to not trust him.

By all accounts, we were the "IT" couple - the couple everyone else, including me, thought would last forever because we were so in love. Now, he's in love with her...Go figure...


Me (45) WH (42),2 boys 14 & 11
M 18yrs T 22yrs
Separated 10 months (4/12 to 2/13)
Final Total - #1/#2 ONS and #3/#4 EA/PA - left me for #4, didn't know about #2 and 3 until he moved back home
We are solidly in R now

Posts: 781 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Dallas, TX
mayberry
♀ New Member
Member # 36069
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((TXBW68)))

So sorry to hear this...there's no explanation for this...one thing for sure is that it's not because of ANYTHING you have done, said or are...it's all about the WS and their inability to DEAL! Take care of yourself and your sweet children. Each day seems to get easier as time passes...


Posts: 5 | Registered: Jul 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

lonelymommy I am so sorry. How awful and what a shitbag. I totally understand what you say about acting in front of the children.

My d day was the day before my children finished school for 7 weeks. Great timing. Turns out I am quite the actress.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
lonelymommy
♀ New Member
Member # 36242
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, August 22nd (Wednesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

callmered

yes, I have been dealing with this all summer with the kids home. Fun isn't it.

We have a joint email and I started composing an email to his chatting account saying I knew about the email and that I knew he was still chatting as of yesterday morning. I had it saved in the drafts and he must have read it because it was still in the drafts this morning but it had been viewed. He is away for a couple of days on business(yes I am sure it is business) and texted me this morning like nothing was different.

Just feels like I am playing out a game to see the final results.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Jul 2012
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 9:57 AM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS got involved with an online relationship only hours after reconnecting with an old friend she hadn't been in contact with for 20 years. Two days later she was sending him nude photos. Who does that?

For years I was so frustrated with our sex life and her seeming lack of interest in anything sexual. I had opportunities to cheat, but I never did, not once. Thinking about the consequences to our family, thinking about how much it would hurt her...I never did. My wife went through a very traumatic experience before she met me and I always felt an extra responsibility not to hurt her, not to betray her like she had been betrayed before. Even though I was extremely frustrated, I stayed with my wife and never strayed because I loved her so much and I always thought that she was a geuinely good person.

Yet, she could tell some other guy she wanted to fuck him after a few hours? A guy she hadn't talked to for two decades? She could go behind my back time and again and betray me and not even feel badly about it?

As a man, do you know how emasculating it is to realize that your wife would rather imagine another man having sex with her than to actually have sex with you? I have never felt more inadequate in my life.

My wife tells me that she was drawn to his guy because he was the only man that was nice to her in college--20 years ago. I've been nice to her for 14 years and I couldn't even get a sniff.

The pathetic thing is that I'm sure that this guy didn't even care about my wife. I'm sure he was bored, maybe a little lonely, and was just trying to have some fun. As soon as he knew that I knew, he took off as fast as he could. I'm sure the last thing he wanted was my wife crying on his shoulder.

My wife sent him an e-mail where she apologized to him! She wished him a great life! She signed off "love". I want to bash this guy's skull in and she's singing off with "love". I don't think she realized what a fool she was until he responded "you too."

My wife threw averything away so she could masturbate while thinking of some guy she hasn't known for 20 years, a guy who's a sleazebag and didn't care anything about her. Nice, huh? She couldn't of at least thrown it all away for a real affair with a guy who was better than me in some way(s). No, she had to throw it all away for an imaginary relationship with a scumbag.

I don't think I can ever trust my wife again. Part of me is sure that she must have done something like this before, possibly even had a physical encounter with someone.

What kind of a person can do this and not feel guilty about what they're doing to someone who has done nothing but love them and treat them well for 14 years?

In some ways, I truly believe that an online relationship hurts even more than a physical relationship.

Sometimes I don't see how this ends in any way other than divorce.

[This message edited by Sparkless at 9:59 AM, August 27th (Monday)]


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, August 27th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkless I feel your pain. My WH, in the past, has connected up with almost every female he has ever known, initiating conversations etc... it never got to the point your wife did with this guy but his intentions were damn clear and he has said to me he only stopped getting in contact with these women when he realised how easy it was to get in contact with "new" women.

I am not sure when your DDay was but I wanted to say don't make any decisions instantly.

Also, are you sure it was only this time and only online? If I were you I'd get some STD tests anyway and also try and find a counsellor. Even if it's just for your own peace of mind. (If she has the tests, all the better.).

So sorry that you had to find this place.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 6:40 AM, August 28th (Tuesday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Had a great 3 day weekend. Lots of good times with the WH then off he went to work today.

I don't know what possessed me to log in to his "fake" account and look at some of the spam messages. I found 2 new sites this morning, one he joined in August 2009 and one he must have joined right at the start of our relationship because the location on it was where we first lived when we got engaged/married.

This shit has obviously been going on ever since we got together and I feel all over again. The site he joined in 2009 has the profile selections 'hookups, cyber and camera sex' and his description of his self says 'ravenous for hard sex'. OMG.

I made a decision after finding these 2 sites to change the password on his email. He did say I should do that a while back but I only just did it as I want to find everything out and not have him go in and delete his account while I am still in PI mode.

Best wishes to all of you.


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 30th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that I've tried to figure out about my WW's cyber affair is why the OM even bothered. Only recently have my wife and I "sexted" and prior to that I had never "sexted" anybody before. I enjoy sexting with my wife but only because it's foreplay, because I know that whatever we talk about will really happen later on. If my wife sends me a sexy picture, I'm turned on because it's my wife and I love her and I know that I'll be holding that body later on. I can't figure out though why my wife's OM was sexting with her. He lives hundreds of miles away, so it would have been hard for them to actually meet, so what was his motivation? I know that my wife was living out a little fantasy in her head, but we men are programmed differently. He easily could have found thousands of pornographic images that were sexier and hotter than anything my wife sent him. Why get off on her pictures? If he was even getting off.

I could not picture myself in a "sexting" relationship that I knew would go nowhere, what's the point? If I was horny, I would go look at some porn and go to bed or go to a strip club. I dunno, maybe it would be sort of fun once or twice? I don't know if it would, but maybe. Beyond that though? What's the point, for a guy?

Any men here have experience with a cyber only relationship? What's the attraction? Is it an ego boost that a woman is telling you these things? Is it simply boredom, something to do while watching TV? Is it all just "laying the tracks" for a possible physical encounter?

Why do men do it?

[This message edited by Sparkless at 1:34 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
CallMeRed
♀ Member
Member # 36312
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sparkless

MY WH told me that it had to be a "real person" once the porn got boring and stopped having an effect on him.

He then moved on from chatting to cyber sex to cyber sex with cameras and then on to have a fully physical ONS.

I think part of the attraction is that a "real person" is not getting paid for responding so they "must be enjoying it too" giving the man that sense of satisfaction.

Sorry, I know I'm not a man answering as you asked, but he's told me enough so I can put his POV across.

BTW your post helped me too. WH was voicing yesterday if his behaviour was "just what every man does". Clearly not.

[This message edited by CallMeRed at 4:33 AM, August 31st (Friday)]


D-Day 19 July 2012
Me - BS - 41
Him - WH - 40
Stepchild: 16 Children: 9, 8, 5
Together 14 years, married 10.5 years.
Status: aiming for R with a Plan B just in case.

Posts: 275 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: England
Sparkless
♂ Member
Member # 36119
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, August 31st (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Red, I appreciate your reply.

Maybe if I ever entered a purely cyber relationship I would understand the appeal of it more. Still though, I can't ever imagine getting more turned on by a cyber relationship than a real person in the same room. That real person would have to be very unappealing to me to not chose her.

My inability to understand and empathize is a big part of why I'm still so, so hurt. My WW could have been in bed holding me and she preferred to be in bed holding her phone.

There was a night that she expected me to be out late and she had all these ideas about FaceTiming and taking their chat to another level. The OM didn't even seem particularly interested in that, but my WW was all revved up at the idea. I came home early and helped to ruin those plans. The look on her face when I came home...I'll never forget it. At the time I thought she was acting cold and distant and now I know why.

If she was so revved up and horny over the possibility of video chat, when that wasn't going to happen, why didn't she just attack me?

I wonder how my WW would feel if I ever told her "I don't want to have sex with you tonight. Instead I'm going to hold my phone in one hand and my dick in the other and pretend like I'm having sex with someone else."

If that was your experience Red, I can surely feel your pain. It's hard enough to lose to another person, but to lose to pictures and words? Ouch.

[This message edited by Sparkless at 8:57 AM, August 31st (Friday)]


Me(BS)-41
WW-40
DDay March 25 2012
Sexting/Photos w/ LSB
DS 10, DS 8
Working on it

Posts: 85 | Registered: Jul 2012
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