I started an email account and sent him an email looking for erotic chat. Boy did I get erotic chat. He even sent pictures of himself to her(with me in them). I brought up meeting in the emails and he said he has met a few times and was excited to meet. He even told the other woman his wife knows he chats and is fine with it.
I figured he needed more from me so started being everything and more he could want in the bedroom. He told me he deleted all his contacts and was not chatting anymore right after he sent an email to the woman I created.
He lies with such ease it scares me. I brought up his profile on AFF and he said it was a mistake, did not know how it got there and deleted it. I know this isn't true because he was visiting it every few days.
It feels like things are spinning out of control and if I question too much then I am the bad guy. I have not put a keylogger on his computer since he is really computer savvy and would probably notice it. Is it so bad that you just want to trust someone and not worry about what they are doing when they are on the computer.
When I discovered that WH had lied again (by answering a fake ad I placed on Craigís List) I told myself I was done. I was so angry and humiliated! (you can see previous posts that this wasn't the first time i caught him on the internet) Itís been 3 weeks and Iíve been pretty good at NC. He has sent me flowers and cards. He has also joined a recovery program for sex addiction and is also going to church. He says it took for him to hit rock bottom to realize what was wrong with him. He keeps saying heís going to make this right and get better for himself and then prove to me he can be the husband of my dreams.
The last couple of days, Iíve started thinking about how much I miss him and how great it would be if he finally ďgot itĒ. I keep thinking what if he really is changingÖ His friends are even noticing. Iím really struggling with the fact that Iím entertaining the idea of giving him another shot. There have been several DDays. He has admitted to cheating, but won't tell me how many (says I won't believe him). He said it wasn't just physical for him!!:( Iím mad at myself for feeling this way!!!! I know itís way too early and he has no clue Iím even thinking thisÖ A huge part of me is fighting this feeling because I keep remembering all the pain Iíve felt over the last several years and never wanting to feel that pain again.. I guess Iím just wondering if anyone else has felt and struggled with the same feelings and what you did about it.
He's been sending me updates on his progress via email the last week. He seemed to be doing good, which made me miss him! :(
On that, today he called from a blocked number and said I just wanted to hear your voice and say hello. We talked for a little bit (his mother is in the hospital). He then asked when I was going to tell him whether or not I was working on this or filing for divorce. I told him I was unsure and just working on myself right now. He said he needed an answer soon because he can't keep living in limbo and he wants to show me how he's changed.
I told him he needs to be in counseling and fixing this for himself. I said it's only been 3 weeks. He said I know, I still have a lot of work to do, but I've realized a lot. I also said I've been living in limbo for years not knowing what was going to happen next... I said divorce is a big decision and i wasn't ready to make any moves yet. I mean I still feel like I have no answers and I'm still in this fog... Trying to figure out what has happened to my life the last 7 years!! He then made me feel bad and said that while he was working on himself to fix our marriage, I'm busy working and going out with my friends. I'm still feeling guilty and I'm not sure why? I'm kind of in shock right now... How dare he pressure me to give him an answer because he's in limbo, WTF????
He gave up camera chat when we got married. But he carried on looking at porn. When our first child was 1, I remember him saying it didn't do anything for him any more so he needed amateur porn with "real people" in it. Sure enough that led to chat rooms, web cams, and finally to a ONS. He says just one... and his behaviour was weird after it so I believe him.
He has now banned himself from porn / chat / webcams thank god. Although this blanket ban means I am responsible for keeping him satisfied. Some days I can cope with that. Some days I don't want him anywhere near me. He is finding the lack of consistency hard to bear, which I can understand.
I was SO glad to find this thread, because for 14 years I was told, "It's nothing, it's just entertainment", and now even he admits it wasn't fair to me. I learned to live with the porn but when it comes to real people at the end of a conversation or webcam chat it's another matter.
He told me some nights he sat up until 4am chatting to people. No wonder he never used to get up at a decent hour at weekends. And he has always looked tired since I have known him.
I know this has happened a lot (for him). I don't want to dig too deep as I am having trouble coping with his ONS at the moment, but he didn't get emotionally involved with any of the people he web cam chatted with, he chatted about sex and then emailed a bit. But of course, all of that eventually led to his ONS.
As others have said, I can't use a keylogger as he works in IT and would notice it in a flash.
During all of this, my H decided to go away for a night with some guy friends before starting work again (he was laid off for 3 months).
I knew something was going on, begged and pleaded with him not to go and he left. I didn't sleep that night.
Didn't find out about the A until 26 days later - by accident!
He said the A was over and he will not contact her again.
A month later I found a secret email account and they were sending love songs to each other on youtube. I confronted again.
He swore all contact was broken a few days before I found the account and now 3 months later he swears he has not spoken to her since.
My gut tells me that this is a lie. Having online email and chat accounts is so easy. My H is a computer tech... I can't put any monitoring program into his computer and I can't find anything although I search CONSTANTLY. Anyone else going crazy over this?
Today I bought eBlaster by Spectorsoft. It doesn't show up in the places usual software do. The only problem I will have is if my WH checks the exceptions list on his virus checker but I figured it was worth the risk.
He works in IT as well... I thought about this long and hard but I couldn't stand the worrying.
[This message edited by CallMeRed at 10:53 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]
My husband has a program called spybot search and destroy. It is free to download and it finds everything and anything including eblaster. You can make exceptions but they clearly show up when he opens the program.
And he has formatted his computer twice and his phone twice in the last 3 months. Is he cleaning up or just keeping himself busy? His first reaction after he said the A was over was to build a huge entertainment center in our living room.
I have yet to find something I trust to put into his computer. Have tried at least 12 programs and either windows defender finds it, the spybot finds it or the antivirus finds it.
I have been going crazy with this and really don't know what to do anymore. I have thought about trying to find something to put on our router that will at least track websites visited but our stupid router is so new fangled that it doesn't support this kind of thing. If I find something good, I'll let you know. Keep me posted as your good news might just make me feel better! ((HUGS))
My, oh my, our WHs sound familiar. My WH has spent most of today working on an IT project which he is now obsessing about. He's always like this, when he starts something he's absorbed which totally makes sense now he's been diagnosed as having the profile of a sex addict as well.
I am just so glad I installed eBlaster today though as he's been on that computer for about 8 hours straight. I'd be going out of my mind if I hadn't put it on there. As it happens I have gone about my day doing routine things and acting cheerful and checking my emails every time it's 26 minutes past the hour
How can he talk to another woman about being all turned on by her emails and thank goodness he is wearing loose pants and then text me about how great it was with us last night 10 minutes later. So sad and it's hard acting like nothing is wrong in front of my kids. I hope my girls never have to deal with a man like their father.
By all accounts, we were the "IT" couple - the couple everyone else, including me, thought would last forever because we were so in love. Now, he's in love with her...Go figure...
So sorry to hear this...there's no explanation for this...one thing for sure is that it's not because of ANYTHING you have done, said or are...it's all about the WS and their inability to DEAL! Take care of yourself and your sweet children. Each day seems to get easier as time passes...
My d day was the day before my children finished school for 7 weeks. Great timing. Turns out I am quite the actress.
yes, I have been dealing with this all summer with the kids home. Fun isn't it.
We have a joint email and I started composing an email to his chatting account saying I knew about the email and that I knew he was still chatting as of yesterday morning. I had it saved in the drafts and he must have read it because it was still in the drafts this morning but it had been viewed. He is away for a couple of days on business(yes I am sure it is business) and texted me this morning like nothing was different.
Just feels like I am playing out a game to see the final results.
For years I was so frustrated with our sex life and her seeming lack of interest in anything sexual. I had opportunities to cheat, but I never did, not once. Thinking about the consequences to our family, thinking about how much it would hurt her...I never did. My wife went through a very traumatic experience before she met me and I always felt an extra responsibility not to hurt her, not to betray her like she had been betrayed before. Even though I was extremely frustrated, I stayed with my wife and never strayed because I loved her so much and I always thought that she was a geuinely good person.
Yet, she could tell some other guy she wanted to fuck him after a few hours? A guy she hadn't talked to for two decades? She could go behind my back time and again and betray me and not even feel badly about it?
As a man, do you know how emasculating it is to realize that your wife would rather imagine another man having sex with her than to actually have sex with you? I have never felt more inadequate in my life.
My wife tells me that she was drawn to his guy because he was the only man that was nice to her in college--20 years ago. I've been nice to her for 14 years and I couldn't even get a sniff.
The pathetic thing is that I'm sure that this guy didn't even care about my wife. I'm sure he was bored, maybe a little lonely, and was just trying to have some fun. As soon as he knew that I knew, he took off as fast as he could. I'm sure the last thing he wanted was my wife crying on his shoulder.
My wife sent him an e-mail where she apologized to him! She wished him a great life! She signed off "love". I want to bash this guy's skull in and she's singing off with "love". I don't think she realized what a fool she was until he responded "you too."
My wife threw averything away so she could masturbate while thinking of some guy she hasn't known for 20 years, a guy who's a sleazebag and didn't care anything about her. Nice, huh? She couldn't of at least thrown it all away for a real affair with a guy who was better than me in some way(s). No, she had to throw it all away for an imaginary relationship with a scumbag.
I don't think I can ever trust my wife again. Part of me is sure that she must have done something like this before, possibly even had a physical encounter with someone.
What kind of a person can do this and not feel guilty about what they're doing to someone who has done nothing but love them and treat them well for 14 years?
In some ways, I truly believe that an online relationship hurts even more than a physical relationship.
Sometimes I don't see how this ends in any way other than divorce.
[This message edited by Sparkless at 9:59 AM, August 27th (Monday)]
I am not sure when your DDay was but I wanted to say don't make any decisions instantly.
Also, are you sure it was only this time and only online? If I were you I'd get some STD tests anyway and also try and find a counsellor. Even if it's just for your own peace of mind. (If she has the tests, all the better.).
So sorry that you had to find this place.
I don't know what possessed me to log in to his "fake" account and look at some of the spam messages. I found 2 new sites this morning, one he joined in August 2009 and one he must have joined right at the start of our relationship because the location on it was where we first lived when we got engaged/married.
This shit has obviously been going on ever since we got together and I feel all over again. The site he joined in 2009 has the profile selections 'hookups, cyber and camera sex' and his description of his self says 'ravenous for hard sex'. OMG.
I made a decision after finding these 2 sites to change the password on his email. He did say I should do that a while back but I only just did it as I want to find everything out and not have him go in and delete his account while I am still in PI mode.
Best wishes to all of you.
I could not picture myself in a "sexting" relationship that I knew would go nowhere, what's the point? If I was horny, I would go look at some porn and go to bed or go to a strip club. I dunno, maybe it would be sort of fun once or twice? I don't know if it would, but maybe. Beyond that though? What's the point, for a guy?
Any men here have experience with a cyber only relationship? What's the attraction? Is it an ego boost that a woman is telling you these things? Is it simply boredom, something to do while watching TV? Is it all just "laying the tracks" for a possible physical encounter?
Why do men do it?
[This message edited by Sparkless at 1:34 PM, August 30th (Thursday)]
MY WH told me that it had to be a "real person" once the porn got boring and stopped having an effect on him.
He then moved on from chatting to cyber sex to cyber sex with cameras and then on to have a fully physical ONS.
I think part of the attraction is that a "real person" is not getting paid for responding so they "must be enjoying it too" giving the man that sense of satisfaction.
Sorry, I know I'm not a man answering as you asked, but he's told me enough so I can put his POV across.
BTW your post helped me too. WH was voicing yesterday if his behaviour was "just what every man does". Clearly not.
[This message edited by CallMeRed at 4:33 AM, August 31st (Friday)]
Maybe if I ever entered a purely cyber relationship I would understand the appeal of it more. Still though, I can't ever imagine getting more turned on by a cyber relationship than a real person in the same room. That real person would have to be very unappealing to me to not chose her.
My inability to understand and empathize is a big part of why I'm still so, so hurt. My WW could have been in bed holding me and she preferred to be in bed holding her phone.
There was a night that she expected me to be out late and she had all these ideas about FaceTiming and taking their chat to another level. The OM didn't even seem particularly interested in that, but my WW was all revved up at the idea. I came home early and helped to ruin those plans. The look on her face when I came home...I'll never forget it. At the time I thought she was acting cold and distant and now I know why.
If she was so revved up and horny over the possibility of video chat, when that wasn't going to happen, why didn't she just attack me?
I wonder how my WW would feel if I ever told her "I don't want to have sex with you tonight. Instead I'm going to hold my phone in one hand and my dick in the other and pretend like I'm having sex with someone else."
If that was your experience Red, I can surely feel your pain. It's hard enough to lose to another person, but to lose to pictures and words? Ouch.
[This message edited by Sparkless at 8:57 AM, August 31st (Friday)]