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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
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Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, April 10th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like the right place and maybe the SA one also.

I don't know any thing out you tube and the in box. Sorry. This thread doesn't seem to get as much action as the others do.

me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 1731
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, April 11th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

megmegryry, I think you may find that the thread for "Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts" under "I Can Relate" forum may be a bit more what you are seeking.

I sing the songs of a woman who has passed through anger and outrage to a kind of stunned resignation in the face of overwhelming human folly.....

Posts: 4895 | Registered: Jul 2003 | From: The great frozen tundra
Box of Rain
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Member # 32345
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I tell my WH he is in the "Matrix". Deep, deep within the matrix.

It's a dark and secret place that I could never imagine going to. I am so sad for him that he has chosen this over real life.

The whole idea of compartmentalizing is so true. He was on so many sites, message boards, games, IPhone Apps, etc that it's hard for him to even remember all of it.

I agree with others that this can quickly become a serious addiction or compulsion and will grow and progress without treatment.

This is a sign of the times in which we live.

Box of Rain~
ME: BS, 35 HIM: WH, 33
Married 3.5 yrs, together 5 yrs
0 children
D-Day 5/24/11
Countless online indifelities, porn addict and possible SA
S 6/4/11 D - coming soon
"My religon is very simple. My religon is kindness." Dalai Lama

Posts: 12 | Registered: Jun 2011
♀ Member
Member # 29514
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, June 5th (Sunday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My STBX has two profiles on dating sites. I found the first one by accident...the second one I looked for after I joined SI. Online porn/cybersex is cheating, period.

It's sick and depraved, it's a sign that there's something seriously wrong with THEM.

Mine actually says things like, "Well if you want to look for things to be hurt about." One of his online porn viewing evenings ended up with me being the victim of spousal rape that was brutal enough I had to go to the ER 3 days later. There were other times that I was just passed out and he did it (I take Ambien). But I don't think he would have done that to me if he wasn't charged up from online porn.

He won't admit that what he's done is wrong. That's what hurts more than anything.

Anything less than full disclosure and total transparency is pure bullshit. WARNING! No emotional pollution allowed.

Posts: 3655 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: Georgia
♀ Member
Member # 32358
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, July 4th (Monday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My (single) best friend discovered my fiancť on a dating site she had joined. We've been together 8 years. Mortifying!!! He has had at least 18 active online dating profiles at one time, there are probably many more I didn't find. He was also using the social networking sites to reconnect with ex-girlfriends and ex-lovers (of which he has hundreds) and even an ex-OW with whom he swore NC with and to "friend" and communicate/flirt with hundreds of new attractive women. Our engagement is on hold and he is in IC and we are doing CC.†
I'm so glad I found this site!

Me 39, Him 45
Together 9 years
DD1 2005
DD2 2011
Relieved I didn't go through with marrying him.

Posts: 76 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: United States
♀ Member
Member # 32746
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, July 14th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm definitely here. My WH kept up a EA online, texting and phone calls for 11 months with a girl he dated when he was 17. She dumped him to marry a man she met on vacation. Her marriage subsequently failed (ha ha I say to myself) but she spent 20+ years looking for mine (we had moved to the US) and when she eventually found him on fb she led a relentless dance to win him back. It worked.
So addled with booze and pills, and so sad with empty nest syndrome, he was a prime target.
The emails and texts (I was able to break in and shut him down several times) were beyond disgusting, and I am no prude. They were emotionally charged and they hurt me beyond belief. The plans they made and the awful things he said about me.. OMG...
Anyway - they kept it up, on and off for 11 months, she knew about me and kept it up anyway. She listened to his lies about our separation etc. despite even my sons telling her it wasn't true.
EAs are every bit as painful as PAs and don't let anyone tell you otherwise

Me BS 51, WH 49 Married 27yrs
DDay Early Aug08, NC 5/15/09 (LTEA)
Don't know if I want to R see profile

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
'Til I'm six feet underground
- Rhyme & Reason DMB

Posts: 354 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Hell
♀ Member
Member # 33512
Default  Posted: 1:31 PM, October 12th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know I am a member and how is this for bad how about having your sister call you because her and her new honey are looking into threesoms's on some site and she thinks she sees where your H has posted some pics of you and he is looking for weird stuff. I just about died.

At least that is way in the past. But I still cringe to think that I don't know what in the heck he was up to or who had seen it.

He had claimed that he had forgotten it was even out there.

Good luck to all. The internet can be our worst enemy.

I know you will all wonder he does not come close to computers that much. And at his work they have so many control features I don't worry much.

[This message edited by ANA70 at 1:35 PM, October 12th (Wednesday)]

Me BS40 WH39
1st DDAY 7/09
2nd DDAY 9/11
Married 18 years trying R
1 Princess 15
Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Neverland
♂ Member
Member # 33649
Suspicious  Posted: 8:19 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Looks like I belong here too. Long story short. I caught my WGF having multiple online cybersex/phone sex affairs. Never PA that i know of. She has been very remorseful and has changed everything about her online life. No more Yahoo accounts, no chat rooms, no texts or phone calls to anyone. It's hard to believe she cut things off so quick but this has been going on now 4 months. She also shows signs of being SA.

Bh 48
FWW 31
Married Jan 24th 2012
D-Day June 17 2011
Then TT until Oct 19,2011

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Bama
♀ Member
Member # 33643
Default  Posted: 8:43 AM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh I relate totally. WS was using social networks to find his next eyecandy. Got caught because he left his email open and I found pictures. Til this day he claims I hacked in his email. No passwords have been given to me but when I get a laptop I will install a keylogger. I'm detaching myself from his angry outbursts and leaving him alone for now. Stupid idiot doesn't know how good he has it right now

Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: AZ
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Member # 33649
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, October 18th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When i finally found out most of the worst of it and confronted her with it. She cut ties with all of he online "friends". Stopped IM'ing,Chatting,texting everything. She has been doing everything in her power to show her love for me. I do have all her account passwords and if anything strange comes in she tells me about it. I'm the one still having problems with trust and all.

Bh 48
FWW 31
Married Jan 24th 2012
D-Day June 17 2011
Then TT until Oct 19,2011

Posts: 79 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Bama
♀ New Member
Member # 33339
Default  Posted: 3:59 AM, October 19th (Wednesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never had a problem with him looking at porn. It just never bothered me, other than it made our sex life so much less than what it could have been because they basically start mimicking what they r watching. Which is really boring after awhile with no intimacy......
Then he paid money to join AM and another pay site, "just to look at pics" he was also on 3 free sites. I found his profiles. All of them stated he was married looking for a "discrete" relationship. He described himself. Winked and flirted with 27 females in our area. Again "I did all that just to get some pics. You have to make your profile look real or they won't send them."
I am like, "really? u just wanted pics? Then why not look at all the free pics on the web."
He is sorry, wants recovery and loves only me, it was really just for pics, yada, yada...
I looked straight at him and said tell me you would not emailing, calling or chatting if they gave you the chance. He just got quiet. For all I know he did. He had IM popping up with 7 names on the ignore list. All this while he was in AP with a girl he met thru his shop.
It is cheating. I wonder how all these spouses would feel if it was US posting on line profiles. Just to get some pics and IM'ing. Bet it would be cheating then huh?

Do not confuse kindness for blindness.
D- day 8/18/11

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: Arkansas
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Member # 33653
Target  Posted: 10:04 PM, October 20th (Thursday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

decided to remove...... it just doesnt even matter.....

[This message edited by so-wrong at 12:10 PM, October 24th (Monday)]

- I made some really bad choices and now I need to make it right. And along the way, I will make me better too.....

Posts: 171 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Member # 33742
Default  Posted: 1:04 AM, October 28th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As of right now I only have proof that my husband sent out tons and tons of emails to a ridiculous amount of women over the past seven months. And he has multiple profiles on cheater websites and no-strings-attached sex sites. He seems to think it's not "cheating" since there was no physical contact. (Now I'm not saying I believe him that there was no physical contact but I can't say with 100% surety that he did have physical contact with other women because there's no concrete proof of that.) He can rationalize all he wants but the pain and the betrayal are real. My tears are real. My anger is real. My stress vomiting is real. His cheating is real, even if he wants to play semantics.

Is it common for cheaters of this kind to feel like they haven't fully betrayed their spouse because "it was online and not in real life"?

D-Day 10/06/11

Acceptance is the most beautiful feeling in the world. It doesn't mean that he's absolved but rather that I am.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Oct 2011
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Member # 33886
Default  Posted: 10:45 AM, November 12th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


It is cheating. (WW here) I got tangled up with a guy off CL.

If you are doing things that you wouldn't do with your spouse sitting right there, it is cheating. We rationalize that since we aren't physically touching each other or swapping body fluids that it's not cheating. On the contrary. It's a betrayal. A betrayal of trust, love, friendship, intimacy. The whole kit and caboodle.

We rationalize that our spouse is "missing something". So we get our kicks elsewhere. We think that since our spouse just "isn't into it" that it justifies our reason for straying. We get caught up in the attention and affection. Being something that we aren't to our spouse. We're a husband/wife/parent/caretaker. But to our AP, we're just an individual. We're a sexy, condfident person. We don't have all the "baggage" of a relationship with them. It's all new and uncharted territory. Is that enough of an excuse, of course not. There is no real excuse.

I got lax. I got lazy. I let my guard down. I opened a door with someone other than my spouse that should have remained closed and deadbolted. Never, ever sympathize with someone of the opposite sex over their lack of homelife with their spouse. I learned that the hard way.

Me - FWW * Him - QuietStand

"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne

"You can do it!" - R. Schneider

Posts: 5435 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 31611
Default  Posted: 10:09 AM, December 10th (Saturday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When my WH was sexting the OW and trading pictures, I definetly thought of it as cheating. He would look at those pictures of her and read those emails before finally coming to bed and wanting to make love. Just who do you think he was having sex with in his mind? The body in bed (his wife that he had not spent the last hour with) or the woman that had aroused him and scintillated him with her words and pictures in the minutes before he came to bed.

me 64
WH 65
married 44 years
DD Jan 16 2011

Posts: 346 | Registered: Mar 2011
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Member # 33877
Default  Posted: 3:57 AM, December 16th (Friday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is it common for cheaters of this kind to feel like they haven't fully betrayed their spouse because "it was online and not in real life"?

I think so, I found 4 years of a very active history of cyber-sex that my H had been engaging in. Four fake profiles set up on various sites, hundreds of contacts on four email addresses, thousands of emails going back and forth. It was complete fantasy land for my H. He would download pics of random strangers from amateur porn sites and send them off, pretending he was the person in the pics!! (so at least i know he wasn't meeting people IRL, or web-camming!!) He did have one profile as himself, and to be honest, I'm just as upset about finding a picture he sent of himself (naked and erect) to some random woman, as I am with his ONS and 18mth LTA... it is all cheating. Simple as that. But, he truly believes there is a big difference. Um, not to me, the one you were cheating on!!

Me: BW 45
Him: WH 46
Together 17 years, married 12
2 DS, 10 & 8
DDay 1 Easter Sunday April 24 2011 he confessed 18 month affair
DDay 2 June 26 2011 - I discovered an additional ONS in Aug 2008, and 4 years of multiple online sex-chat affairs

Posts: 65 | Registered: Nov 2011
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Member # 34260
Default  Posted: 5:05 PM, December 20th (Tuesday), 2011View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


[This message edited by Deeply Scared at 6:06 PM, December 20th (Tuesday)]

Posts: 14 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: los angeles
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Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, January 5th (Thursday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was pointed here from the "just found out" forum, and I found out my boyfriend was texting/Skyping a few other girls. Before this I could have cared less if he was talking to a girl he was friends with, because I had 100% confident that nothing would happen. Nothing made me more nauseous than reading him tell another woman that he doesn't have a girlfriend while I was away housesitting for my cousin. I'm still on the fence about our relationship because today I found out he had gone back to talking to these women.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Jan 2012
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Member # 34281
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, January 6th (Friday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sadly also belong to this club.

My WH was contacted by an old girlfriend on FB. They lived together 20+ years ago. WH and I have always had very open communication and had talked about this ex-girlfriend many times. He told me he would "never" look her up online because she broke his heart so many years ago.

I noticed him acting strange in the fall of last year (2011). We never had trust issues in the past and I knew all of his passwords... so, one day I decided to look at his email to perhaps figure out why he was acting so different.

Long story short, he was having an EA with this ex-girlfriend. The one he promised he would never look up... the one that broke his heart.

Hours and hours of phone calls per day, thousands of texts a month, hundreds and hundreds of pictures exchanged (mostly naked ones sent by her via cell phone text messaging) and many many hours chatting on FB. All of this happened while we were in the same house. He and I both work from home. He rarely leaves the house unless it is to take his daughter, from his first marriage, to dinner.

I thought he was over-worked so I would take his dinner to him in his office... I would keep the kids extra quiet during the work day... I wouldn't question why he was returning to his office to work at 10:00 at night. I did that stuff because I was crazy in love with my WH... and the entire time he was telling another woman he loved her and he couldn't wait to wake up in her arms.

He sent her a NC text a week after D-Day and has no contact with her since. He came out of his A-Fog three weeks later. Things have been really rough (this is the hardest thing I have ever been through... - childhood sexual abuse, a unloving first marriage, 9 miscarriages, etc) but I am slowly seeing a light at the end of a very dark tunnel.

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Me ~ BS~43
Husband ~ WS~47
Second Marriage for both ~ almost 9 years
5 kids ~ my 2, his 1 and our 2
DDay ~ 11/5/11 DDay 2 ~ 1/7/12
In R and it is going well

Posts: 118 | Registered: Dec 2011
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Member # 34258
Default  Posted: 1:02 PM, January 9th (Monday), 2012View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Facebook has been gnawing away at me and I'm not sure if I'm justified. My wife and I married after previous marriages (me 1, her 2), so there is a built-in past we are both aware of. She remains in contact with the father of her adult children, and I feel no problems with that contact. I am bothered by her keeping another ex as a facebook friend, especially knowing what I do about their relationship. While there is no evidence of any form of clandestine contact, he shows up in her friends list along side me from time to time, and facebook even suggests him as a friend because we share something in common, which is true, but I don't care to be reminded . Perhaps I'm over-reacting. I dunno.

The issue pops up now and then. When she points out a funny post to me in her Facebook wall from some friend (not her ex), I might notice a post by her ex nearby in her news feed, as he is a frequent poster. Iím not snooping. After about the 200th time, I told her seeing his face made me feel uncomfortable. She didnít appreciate my comment, and took it as a way of me seeming to control who she stays in touch with. However, she did take him out of her news feed. Removing a friend from your news feed is only a partial solution because your post still appear in your friend's feed. This is something I donít think everyone fully grasps about Facebook. Itís a very powerful feature that has some potential traps that may spring during a time of emotional weakness.

When you put a person on your Facebook friend's list, you are signing up to see this friend's every utterance in your news feed, and visa versa. This is like choosing to keep a framed picture of someone on your wall and walking past it daily, even if itís not exactly an active choice. You KNOW that friend has a picture of you on the wall and sees it every day. But, itís worse than having just a picture, because the picture is changing all the time, and there are convenient contact buttons next to the picture. Every time your ex posts a picture of himself or herself looking hot (or fat and ugly ha ha!), you see it. Every time you post a picture of yourself looking hot, your ex sees it. With Facebook, even if you take your friendís picture down from your wall, your picture remains on your friendís wall until you remove your friend from the friendís list, or your friend takes you out of the feed.

While I trust my wife, I DON'T trust my wife's ex. This is based on what Iíve heard of him and how their relationship began. Based on the way Facebook works, he sees her posts every day. She is, even if she is not consciously sending him personalized email, passively agreeing that she wants him to see whatever she posts on her wall.
This last bit is what I consider to be a boundary issue, I feel as if it is a lack of respect for my feelings.

I've gone as far as blocking him, but the block goes both ways, and removes all traces of ME from his point of view, including what he sees on my wife's profile. If I block him, it makes me seem to have disappeared from my wife's life.

[This message edited by ItGlitters at 1:04 PM, January 9th (Monday)]

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