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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
strike2
♂ Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 4:47 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

gag.. where did yours start.. where did your H's start?


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 4:54 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately I was the garden variety cheater... justifying all the way. I was so closed off because of the pain- I wanted escape, and if H had confronted me before it became PA, I don't think I'd have owned it.

There was absolutely no doubt that the PA was anything but a PA. EAs, well, for a lot of people that's a grey area. KWIM?

H loves me so much that he might have even given me a free pass on "only" an EA which would have just enabled me to abuse his trust again.

It took the nuclear bomb of the A to shake me out of my selfishness and complacency.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Inchoate
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, April 6th (Friday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Strike, my EA started on a message board, but one that didn't have a PM function--we just migrated to email and carried on normally on the board. Not sure if that's characteristic of most or not.

Also, to clarify--my EA did not progress to a PA because I was caught 5 weeks into it. Now, given that the OP was the "wrong" gender, 20 years older, with ED and 3000 miles away...the question of whether I picked him because he was not only adroit at feeding my personal emotional black hole of need, but because he was "safe" is very much begged. But the fact remains that we'll never know *for sure* whether I'd have found some way to take the A to the physical level.

Speaking for myself, I can't understand how anyone whose BS was devastated by D-day or C-day could minimize the "affair-ness" of an EA, unless there really was a complete misunderstanding of something that was genuinely truly innocent (scarce as hens' teeth, IMO). In my case it certainly wasn't innocent and it certainly was a threat to my M (though not in the way my BS feared--I wasn't leaving, "selling out my children to a pedophile"--that REALLY ticked me off, actually conducting a secret PA, or carrying on with multiple lovers). Just because the thing was neither serious nor sincere for me doesn't mean that the consequences for my BS and our M weren't. Quite the contrary, in fact, and that was utterly obvious to me on D-day. Surprising, but totally clear.

One of the particular problems with EAs is that the BS can never really be sure that's "all" there was to it, yet others tell you that it wasn't "all that much," and there you are with your broken heart--completely lost and confused. Nothing like having your world shattered, and everyone telling you there's no there, there.


Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

Posts: 5057 | Registered: Dec 2005
strike2
♂ Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, April 7th (Saturday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

inchoate, my online ea started on a Lost message board. it started there and went to using IM to continue and eventually migrated to the board.

i was caught about 2 months after ea started


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
Greenegirl
♀ Member
Member # 9607
Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me the worst part was the "lights on nobody home" aspect. My H was in the house with us, yet not really here because he was online hook line and sinker.

Very very creepy.


Posts: 3081 | Registered: Jan 2006
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 7:41 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

greenegirl,

that's what gets me, too. He was here, there were no nights where he was physically missing. He was here the whole time.

Here, half watching tv, half talking to me, taking care of me, not playing with his son...with a computer at his fingertips.

It's what makes it so hard to distinguish his behavior now. When he's online, he could be anywhere.


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
sheisnothappy
♀ Member
Member # 14068
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

green and lost, you both hit the nail on the head and damn lost, sounds like mine, the not playing with his son part..during that whole time, I think about the time that was wasted, I think they are starting to make up for it now, but I still don't know everything and am really not positive if its over.


Me: BS, 28
WH 31
12 yrs marriage, 1 son 9,
Online EA-3+yrs
1stDD: March 2007
2ndDD: January 31, 2009
Attempting R
Umm..yeah

Posts: 538 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: south of sanity
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 11:32 PM, April 8th (Sunday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mimi, the fact that he could be still carrying on with the A has to be unsettling. Still, if he's serious about R, he's going to make his life an open book to you. Has he?


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Greenegirl
♀ Member
Member # 9607
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH's creepy behavior really did a job on our son. I HATE that I let it go on for as long as it did.

Since t hen, FWH has gone to great lengths to repair the damage he did to his relationship with our son. Fortunately there was a strong foundation there, so things improved quickly once FWH stopped a) drinking and b) hiding in the basement at the PC.

He also moved his desk & PC upstairs to the living room so we can wander by and talk to him and he doesn't feel so isolated. He can hear the chatter in the kitchen nearby and call the dogs for a scratch and tummy rub whenever he wants. He doesn't need his cyberbuddies to feel "connected" anymore.

What a sick thing that is. You wish you could scream to the world, "It's NOT a HARMLESS pasttime!!!!"

[This message edited by Greenegirl at 12:48 PM, April 9th (Monday)]


Posts: 3081 | Registered: Jan 2006
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen, he has become an open book. He gets on the big computer in the living room with me, he only posts on this board and a tivo one. I know all passwords, etc...

The nights and mornings freak me out though...baby duty means he could be out here giving a shout out to her, or on the weekends or afternoons I get to sleep in/nap, he could very well be out here, just like before.

I check sometimes to see where he's been online, but it could be easily deleted.

His attitude toward me and the kids is different, so I don't actually THINK he's doing it anymore, but there's that little voice in the back of my head saying he's just gone deeper underground.

I just don't know that I'll ever be able to believe 100% that he's done. 95% maybe in time, but not 100%


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know, lostmimi, it's true that he could have gone deeper underground. I don't think he has though. I could have done the same thing, and in fact, any WS who really wants to continue to cheat will find a way. It's a question of whether you're having normal doubts or seeing giant waving red flags.

You're still just trying to deal with the enormous impact of his A. I'm sure some part of you feels stupid or foolish for not seeing what he was doing. I hate it that my H might feel that way- because I did take advantage of his trusting nature during the A. I chatted with OP with my H sitting at his desk right next to me. These days I purposely leave my windows open and never clear history.

Over time, with his consistent trustworthy action, you can start to rebuild trust. Don't push yourself for it to happen any quicker than you're ready for. Let strike know what you need from him to feel safer, and if that means that NO history is purged, and you need to install a keylogger, do it. Trust but verify.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
ladyvorkosigan
♀ Member
Member # 8283
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you knew for a fact - somehow could read minds and could KNOW - that he is not doing anything affair related online, would the amount of time/energy he spends on time be problematic, lostmimi? Because excessive internet use can be destructive even without any sexual component to it.


It nagged him, in particular, that none of the girls hed known so far had given him a sense of unalloyed triumph.

Posts: 14221 | Registered: Sep 2005 | From: Florida
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 2:31 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, I'm totally NOT seeing any red flags. It's just the "normal" trust issues, I suppose. Like you, he talked to her when I was in the room, too. I can't imagine the "guts" it takes to do that. I would be pissing myself if it were me.

He knows not to delete history (though has done it once or twice in the beginning), but that little voice says yeah mimi, but you can delete 1 single page, he's probably doing that.

But like I said, his attitude towards us is different than it was BOTH times he was involved with her. So I have to go with that. Actions today....and pray I'm not being a dipshit once again.


Ladyv--umm, I don't think he's online excessively anymore. I do think that he's kind of avoiding things he should be doing in regards to R at times that I need from him, and that's an issue I need to bring up.

Like I've asked him to "replace" the written words he said about me to her and others with written words of his love or admiration or how he sees our marriage. Told him i needed a little something daily, because this is really eating me up inside. this was over a week ago and he hasn't done it, not once, though emails and PM's and myspace comments have been made to others.

Is it another priority thing, where I rank last to a computer screen, or is it avoidance because he doesn't know what to say and he escapes through the internet again?


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
Inchoate
♀ Member
Member # 9065
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If it were me, mimi, it would be the latter.

It is easy for me to paralyze myself with negative self-talk and insecurity, and the computer is a very useful way of drowning out my inner scold (you know, the one that says "Get off your rear end and do SOMEthing...ANYthing...it doesn't have to be PERfect!!").

It's not that my BS comes last, but that my own sense of inadequacy and diminished worth hamstrings me if I let it.

Part of recovery is taking the fact that I am important and what I do matters to my BS on faith, if I have to. Somedays I even believe it, these days, but it was a process getting there. One way I got around it was sternly telling myself that giving my feelings of inadequacy and fear of not doing things "right" (=perfectly ) any primacy was also a form of selfishness.


Former Wayward Ninja, recovered
"The shadows tell us where the light is" (my DD@3)
"Growing up is hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it." (Agliarept)

Posts: 5057 | Registered: Dec 2005
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 3:04 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I figure that's what it is, Inchoate. It's what got him in the A in the first place, feeling like crap, and not being able to voice it.

I'm trying to be patient so he can learn and grow, but in the meantime I'm sitting over here with these horrible words swimming in my head.

Is there anything that I can do to help him? Anything that helped you?


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm with Inchoate on this one. My inability to accept failure meant that I simply didn't start to do things because nothing was ever good enough. I was paralyzed for fear of doing something wrong and having that be the last straw.

In a sense, that was still A-think, because it was the path of least resistance. "Nothing I do is good enough, and you're going to leave me anyway, so if I don't do anything, I won't fail and maybe you won't leave." It's self-defeating. I didn't see how screwed up it was at the time. It's just how I naturally thought.

IC helped me with that though. I can't remember- is strike in counseling?


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 3:57 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, he's not in counseling, though we have been talking about it, for this and other reasons.

The fact that it's still "A thinking" scares me.


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
strike2
♂ Member
Member # 12398
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, April 9th (Monday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

i think that i am going to get some counseling for myself though.. especially to deal with depression and my add...


mimi has nothing to worry about. i am not doing anything i am not supposed to do. my internet useage is minimal these days...

you have nothing to worry about mimi.. i love you


Me: FWS (30)
Her: FBS (30)
Children: 2: boy and girl
Dday#1 Oct 05
Dday#2 Sept 06
Online EA
Working on R together

"life is short.. don't fuck it up"


Posts: 901 | Registered: Oct 2006 | From: Midwest
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

mimi, I probably wasn't clear... when I said "A thinking" I didn't mean that it was selfish in that same way. I meant that it was dysfunctional- not reality. That's all. Sorry for not being clear.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
lostmimi
♀ Member
Member # 12372
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, April 10th (Tuesday), 2007View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

no, I gotcha Fallen.

The fact that he's still thinking in that dysfunctional way scares me, because it's this thinking that eventually lead to the A. Conflict avoidance, fear of disappointing me, fear of not saying the right thing, etc...


Me-FBS Him-FWH (strike2)
2 kids, 4 and 1yr
online EA
d-day #1 10/05 d-day #2 9/06 d-day #3 12/07 (more info)(same OW)
in R

"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it


Posts: 2930 | Registered: Oct 2006
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