"life is short.. don't fuck it up"
There was absolutely no doubt that the PA was anything but a PA. EAs, well, for a lot of people that's a grey area. KWIM?
H loves me so much that he might have even given me a free pass on "only" an EA which would have just enabled me to abuse his trust again.
It took the nuclear bomb of the A to shake me out of my selfishness and complacency.
"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."
Also, to clarify--my EA did not progress to a PA because I was caught 5 weeks into it. Now, given that the OP was the "wrong" gender, 20 years older, with ED and 3000 miles away...the question of whether I picked him because he was not only adroit at feeding my personal emotional black hole of need, but because he was "safe" is very much begged. But the fact remains that we'll never know *for sure* whether I'd have found some way to take the A to the physical level.
Speaking for myself, I can't understand how anyone whose BS was devastated by D-day or C-day could minimize the "affair-ness" of an EA, unless there really was a complete misunderstanding of something that was genuinely truly innocent (scarce as hens' teeth, IMO). In my case it certainly wasn't innocent and it certainly was a threat to my M (though not in the way my BS feared--I wasn't leaving, "selling out my children to a pedophile"--that REALLY ticked me off, actually conducting a secret PA, or carrying on with multiple lovers). Just because the thing was neither serious nor sincere for me doesn't mean that the consequences for my BS and our M weren't. Quite the contrary, in fact, and that was utterly obvious to me on D-day. Surprising, but totally clear.
One of the particular problems with EAs is that the BS can never really be sure that's "all" there was to it, yet others tell you that it wasn't "all that much," and there you are with your broken heart--completely lost and confused. Nothing like having your world shattered, and everyone telling you there's no there, there.
i was caught about 2 months after ea started
Very very creepy.
that's what gets me, too. He was here, there were no nights where he was physically missing. He was here the whole time.
Here, half watching tv, half talking to me, taking care of me, not playing with his son...with a computer at his fingertips.
It's what makes it so hard to distinguish his behavior now. When he's online, he could be anywhere.
"True commitment begins when we reach the point of not knowing how we can possibly go on, and decide to do it
Since t hen, FWH has gone to great lengths to repair the damage he did to his relationship with our son. Fortunately there was a strong foundation there, so things improved quickly once FWH stopped a) drinking and b) hiding in the basement at the PC.
He also moved his desk & PC upstairs to the living room so we can wander by and talk to him and he doesn't feel so isolated. He can hear the chatter in the kitchen nearby and call the dogs for a scratch and tummy rub whenever he wants. He doesn't need his cyberbuddies to feel "connected" anymore.
What a sick thing that is. You wish you could scream to the world, "It's NOT a HARMLESS pasttime!!!!"
[This message edited by Greenegirl at 12:48 PM, April 9th (Monday)]
The nights and mornings freak me out though...baby duty means he could be out here giving a shout out to her, or on the weekends or afternoons I get to sleep in/nap, he could very well be out here, just like before.
I check sometimes to see where he's been online, but it could be easily deleted.
His attitude toward me and the kids is different, so I don't actually THINK he's doing it anymore, but there's that little voice in the back of my head saying he's just gone deeper underground.
I just don't know that I'll ever be able to believe 100% that he's done. 95% maybe in time, but not 100%
You're still just trying to deal with the enormous impact of his A. I'm sure some part of you feels stupid or foolish for not seeing what he was doing. I hate it that my H might feel that way- because I did take advantage of his trusting nature during the A. I chatted with OP with my H sitting at his desk right next to me. These days I purposely leave my windows open and never clear history.
Over time, with his consistent trustworthy action, you can start to rebuild trust. Don't push yourself for it to happen any quicker than you're ready for. Let strike know what you need from him to feel safer, and if that means that NO history is purged, and you need to install a keylogger, do it. Trust but verify.
He knows not to delete history (though has done it once or twice in the beginning), but that little voice says yeah mimi, but you can delete 1 single page, he's probably doing that.
But like I said, his attitude towards us is different than it was BOTH times he was involved with her. So I have to go with that. Actions today....and pray I'm not being a dipshit once again.
Ladyv--umm, I don't think he's online excessively anymore. I do think that he's kind of avoiding things he should be doing in regards to R at times that I need from him, and that's an issue I need to bring up.
Like I've asked him to "replace" the written words he said about me to her and others with written words of his love or admiration or how he sees our marriage. Told him i needed a little something daily, because this is really eating me up inside. this was over a week ago and he hasn't done it, not once, though emails and PM's and myspace comments have been made to others.
Is it another priority thing, where I rank last to a computer screen, or is it avoidance because he doesn't know what to say and he escapes through the internet again?
It is easy for me to paralyze myself with negative self-talk and insecurity, and the computer is a very useful way of drowning out my inner scold (you know, the one that says "Get off your rear end and do SOMEthing...ANYthing...it doesn't have to be PERfect!!").
It's not that my BS comes last, but that my own sense of inadequacy and diminished worth hamstrings me if I let it.
Part of recovery is taking the fact that I am important and what I do matters to my BS on faith, if I have to. Somedays I even believe it, these days, but it was a process getting there. One way I got around it was sternly telling myself that giving my feelings of inadequacy and fear of not doing things "right" (=perfectly ) any primacy was also a form of selfishness.
I'm trying to be patient so he can learn and grow, but in the meantime I'm sitting over here with these horrible words swimming in my head.
Is there anything that I can do to help him? Anything that helped you?
In a sense, that was still A-think, because it was the path of least resistance. "Nothing I do is good enough, and you're going to leave me anyway, so if I don't do anything, I won't fail and maybe you won't leave." It's self-defeating. I didn't see how screwed up it was at the time. It's just how I naturally thought.
IC helped me with that though. I can't remember- is strike in counseling?
The fact that it's still "A thinking" scares me.
mimi has nothing to worry about. i am not doing anything i am not supposed to do. my internet useage is minimal these days...
you have nothing to worry about mimi.. i love you
The fact that he's still thinking in that dysfunctional way scares me, because it's this thinking that eventually lead to the A. Conflict avoidance, fear of disappointing me, fear of not saying the right thing, etc...