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Newest Member: goingunder (43138)

I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, March 2nd (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

iwillrecover: Your MC telling you not to ask questions is wrong. You need to know what you need to know. How can you possibly heal and regain any trust if you don't have answers to your questions? Confront the MC on this, or find another MC because that is terrible advice for a couple dealing with infidelity.

As far as your WH looking at porn/prostitutes... if his ONS was a hookup with someone via the Net, you should install a keylogger on your home computer. If he was honest about using the CL ads to masturbate, it's good that he was honest, I guess, but how can you know since he conveniently deleted the history.

If you're installing the keylogger on your own home computer, it is ok, but you should not install it if it's his work laptop.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
Iwillrecover
♀ Member
Member # 22329
Default  Posted: 12:10 AM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Fallen,

Thanks!!

His laptop is his own, he is self employed however he uses it for work. He workks for a company as a private contractor so there is work info on there. I have my own separate computer. I want to check but don't want a criminal record or anything.

His ONS was not through the net. He was drunk outta town on business. Got inappropriate with a client who initiated it and they passed out too drunk for anything much to happen.

He kinda meets girls the old fashioned way, including me. Never got into the internet thing to my knowledge.


Posts: 235 | Registered: Jan 2009
Fallen
♀ Member
Member # 4313
Default  Posted: 4:49 PM, March 3rd (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You should be ok installing a keylogger on your home computer then. I'm not sure about his laptop since he uses it for work and it is HIS. You might want to post this question in the I-tips forum and see if the experts there can answer it.


You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."


Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
cheeseburger
♂ New Member
Member # 22479
Default  Posted: 3:18 PM, March 9th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WW signed up on a certain cheating site in 2006. Chatted with the OM and met 6-8 times in person. It also opened the doors for her to have EAs and PAs with others online and at bars. On DD 1-3 I found recent and old emails written to a few people. Interestingly enough, they were in her work computer's Outlook deleted folder. She admitted to those PAs, but no others, so I'm sure there is more she's not telling me.

She is remorseful... but I'm not sure if she's embarrassed that she got caught or embarrassed that she had As.

Doc put me on ADs, which were a hell of a rollercoaster the first couple of weeks. But if I'm better by the end of the year, and I'm 100% certain that my WW is done with the lies and sneaking around, we plan to renew our vows. Things have been great lately; we've been doing a lot more together, she's talked to me openly about everything, answered any questions I've had. We are focusing on us now, and putting the past behind us.

Needless to say, I have no love for Internet cheating, whether it's just EA or turns into PA.

Talk to your spouse. Tell him/her what you want, what you need. Ask what he/she wants/needs. It's working for us.


- Married 10/1999
- 1 daughter (9)
- DD1 11/2008
- DD2 12/2008
- DD3 01/2009
- DD4 11/2010, kicked STBXW out same day
- Currently separated, divorce inevitable

Posts: 8 | Registered: Jan 2009
Jacqueline911
♀ New Member
Member # 23161
Question  Posted: 2:52 PM, March 11th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Another addition ! More of the same...H off & on mtg OW via online dating sites...naked pics sent...cybersex....phone sex... now that I've busted H how can i get a webtracker to ensure H isn't continuing?

Posts: 4 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Vancouver, B.C. Canada
alisland
♀ New Member
Member # 23062
Default  Posted: 8:52 AM, March 13th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband carried on an email affair with one person for 1 1/2 years until I found out. I was able to retrieve a lot of the emails using various pieces of software. In these emails, he professes his deep love for her, tells her how much he wants her and needs her and all of that garbage. He told her he wanted to get together but then seemed to make excuses why he couldnt. When I confronted him with all of these emails, he said they were just words and he just wanted sex with her. Additionally, there were many phone calls over this period. I am having a hard time with this in that I cant believe you tell someone you love them for so many months and not have some feelings. He has erectile dysfunction so maybe he was just fantasizing. Anyone out there have any thoughts?

Posts: 45 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Orange Beach, Al
Holeinmysoul
♀ New Member
Member # 23132
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think we need a little background info.

How did they come to start emailing each other?


Me:BS
WH porn/sex addict/EAs/Cyber sex/Affairs/Phone sex/compulsive/pathological liar.
He started SAA 3.15.09
Married 4 years, together 7.5
Kids:from my previous marriage 17& 9, 2 yr old from this marriage.
Riding the roller coaster

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: FL
Holeinmysoul
♀ New Member
Member # 23132
Default  Posted: 9:52 AM, March 17th (Tuesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Question...
I'm having a bad day & I'm really angry but...

I don't mean to sound cynical, but have any of you had your WHs be all about porn for a long time, then web cam sites, phone sex, go to extra marital affair sites actually not have sex or sexual contact with anyone?


Me:BS
WH porn/sex addict/EAs/Cyber sex/Affairs/Phone sex/compulsive/pathological liar.
He started SAA 3.15.09
Married 4 years, together 7.5
Kids:from my previous marriage 17& 9, 2 yr old from this marriage.
Riding the roller coaster

Posts: 36 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: FL
paticonfused
♀ New Member
Member # 23307
Default  Posted: 2:12 PM, March 20th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My situation is not exactly the same as HoleInMySoul (but I have the same hole), but similar enough that I too would be interested in the answer.

How do you trust? When is a long enough time? I think there has been NC with the Internet for a long time- 7 months -- and i am happy about that but am still scared to think it will last. And he can't talk about alot of things yet, and therefore I am still very concerned about truthfulness. I don't have any significant reasons to disbelieve him, but I can't seem to trust him for much anymore.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009
designer13
♀ New Member
Member # 23368
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 26th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

paticonfused, I had many of those same questions, how do you trust, when is it enough time.

But, you are the only one who can fully answer that. It's going to take a lot of time, and my WS had an online affair as well. 6 months later I found myself 'Testing' him by leaving the computer on, i used to only let him use it if I was there. I made him provide me all of his passwords to everything so if I have any doubt I go in and check.

If your WS really wants to make the relationship work, they should be willing to do whatever it takes to earn your trust. Maybe make a list of things that you would like him to do, or not do and have a convo with him about how it will still take time, but these things will help me trust you more each day.

Some of the things I told my WS in that coversation were that I needed him to tell me each day how much I meant to him, I wanted him to tell me why he loved me and to do special things for me more often. This was mainly just to rebuild the relationship.

Then I asked him to be completely open with me, if I had questions about the A he had to answer without any grief, if I was feeling down or something triggered me from D-Day I wanted him to comfort me.

I asked him to have NC with the other women, and that if he felt himself starting to slip to let me know so we could work on it.

The biggest thing with me and WS was opening up completely.

It hurts to hear the truth about the A but WS should be willing to share everything with you to fix the relationship.


Me - BS (26)
Him - WS (27)
D-Day October 12, 2008
NC: Oct 22, 2008
Together 4 years, live together, not married.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: Missouri
paticonfused
♀ New Member
Member # 23307
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Designer13 -
Thanks for the advice and encouragement. I am having a hard time getting him to understand how I feel because he didn't have a physical affair and still believes, somehow, that makes it not very bad.

I can understand how he doesn't think it was cheating (even though I do think it was for lots of reasons), but I would like him to try to understand my point of view too. And even if he can't agree (which I can respect), he doesn't seem to be able (yet?) to admit he was wrong. I look at the whole package of excessive P use and MB, and hidden relationship and lies and hiding for 4 or more years, all of which was escalating, and which clearly affected our marriage and is still having negative effects on us and our family and ask: How can you not think this was wrong? Even if you don't think it is infidelity.

Has anyone else dealt with this? I think it is seriously wrong; and I haven't ever addressed my own self-esteem issues, etc. Also - although he has promised to not do it again, if he doesn't think it is wrong, that promise doesn't feel very solid.


Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009
am I crazy
♀ Member
Member # 21511
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, March 27th (Friday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Pat, it's a heck of a ride. Took my H several months to realize that his behavior was wrong. To this day, all he will admit to is his "inappropriate online" behavior. At least he understands now how it has affected me. I wish you the best. Hang in there.


BS 44
WS 48
Multiple OW on internet

"So, So what, I'm still a rock star, I've got my rock moves and I don't need you" ~ Pink

Life is great!


Posts: 269 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: Lost, but looking for myself
sweetvoice
♀ Member
Member # 23350
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, March 29th (Sunday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow - another club to join. My WH joined Classmates.com and found an old college flame. My radar started going off when I found a message from a woman's name I didn't know on our contacts list and found two e-mails in the delete folder. The e-mails were inoccuous enough except the last one said something about "continuing" the converstaion and how they had always "had so much in common" (these words are etched in my brain). I continued to monitor our e-mail for 3 months and found nothing. Curiously during this time I took a trip to Wisconsin to be with my mom to help her through the first anniversary of my dad's death. While I was gone my WH told me we shouldn't talk to long because we were short on minutes - weird because we usually had 100's of excess minutes each month. On July 24th of 2008 he accidentally left his secret g-mail account open so when I sat down to go on the internet there it was. I read all the e-mails and found intimate words and plans to meet. I discovered hundreds of phone calls on his cell phone. He claimed "but we're just friends" and said that since nothing had happened physically that he was not unfaithful. He still doesn't get it...

Betrayal and lies are betrayal and lies or as Shakespeare said..."a rose by any other name..."


"...then suddenly you changed and now I don't know who you are. Or could it be that I never really knew you from the start?" -The Scarlet Pimpernel-

Posts: 93 | Registered: Mar 2009 | From: South Dakota
alisland
♀ New Member
Member # 23062
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, March 30th (Monday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To Paticonfused:
When I confronted my husband about emails to another woman, he also said that he didnt cheat. I even pointed out to him that he had constantly said, I Love You, I want you, I think of you every minute of the day and other garbage. I said how can you say that is not cheating. Also, when he saw how badly just reading these words affected me, I think he changed his mind.

Posts: 45 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Orange Beach, Al
jcdtr
♀ New Member
Member # 23449
Default  Posted: 11:44 AM, April 9th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, If I did not know better I would have said this was MY story.
I did place spyware on his computer. At first he was "repentant" (more sorry he got caught than sorry for his acts),Now he just does not even care.

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2009
jcdtr
♀ New Member
Member # 23449
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's me again. I'm wondering, did any of you go to counseling for this type of an affair and what did counselor say? One time someone told me they agreed with my wh and that it was just
'innocent play" and "fantasy" and that I was making too big a deal out of it

Posts: 16 | Registered: Mar 2009
paticonfused
♀ New Member
Member # 23307
Default  Posted: 3:52 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC sort of had the same reaction when I first indicated that I felt like this long term, hidden, relationship that involved MB quite a bit felt like infidelity. She had an odd look on her face and asked why. When I answered with all of the reasons I thought that including the boundary that I thought we had prior to this, I think she saw my side of the issue much better. (E.g. -- there certainly was intent to obtain s satisfaction outside of the marriage, it was hidden, it horribly affected our marriage and his desire, etc. etc.
It took me a while to get that through to my H, but I think he sort of gets it now. That is certainly a work in progress.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Mar 2009
compaq23
♀ Member
Member # 20270
Default  Posted: 4:44 PM, April 15th (Wednesday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate the internet

Posts: 90 | Registered: Jul 2008
sweet butter rum
♀ New Member
Member # 23497
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I belong here but I don't know what to say. My hubby has been having an emotional affair with someone through an online video game on and off x 4 years. When it first started, I left and when I came back he said it'd be different and promised it wouldn't happen again but it did. This week I told him I knew about it and I wanted a divorce, but now he is saying he is sorry and that we should try for the family (we have a little baby now) and he's making all these promises - giving up his myspace, his facebook, changing his cell #. I just don't know.

Posts: 14 | Registered: Apr 2009
K Phantom
♂ Member
Member # 14105
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, April 16th (Thursday), 2009View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't want to join but..here i am. i guess there is some good from internet. Just gota figure out how and why. working...


Me BS
Her WS
Kids 0
Married 15 yrs 02/14/1993
DD#1 3/29/06
DD#2 6/23/07
D 4/15/2008

Posts: 490 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: USA PA
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