XWH died Dec. 2010
Sick of his sh*t.
I love your tag line - Since yesterday is in the past, each new day is a chance for a new beginning. I hope you don't mind, but I added it to my profile. It speaks volumes...!!
I am a BS, I think (not sure of all the acronyms.. ) Anyway, its my husband that has had the big A....
They met online and have met up. We are in the reconsiliation (sp?) stage and still having issues...but hopefully, God willin' and the creek don't rise, we will get through this.
Crickey..! It hurts alot, doesn't it..?
Thank you for sharing your story. It feels very similar to my overall story Either way for me it's nice to know that the WS is suffering (not that I want WH to suffer but I'm so upset it's nice to know he is too) as well.
Last night I spent over an hour yelling at WH because I'm so angry. He did very well listening but of course gets frusterated. I just want to scream. I need to try 180 but am having such a hard time with it.
Anyway, I wanted to say thank you for sharing. It really did help me to understand a bit more.
[This message edited by newday2day at 10:42 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)]
For me I found the on-line world as a place of retreat from responsibility. I've seen myself all my life as the person who has to take care of other people. On-line I could escape that reality. Everything was fantasy and that really drew me in. It really didn't have anything to do with my GF, it had more to do with wanting this fantasy life. When I found the OW who would help me build on this fantasy, then the slippery slope became a cliff. Since it was all fantasy masquerading as reality it could be anything I wanted. I could be anything I wanteed. I had convinced myself that I was finally doing something for just me, and I deluded myself into thinking that was very important and necessary. I wanted to believe that what I was doing would not hurt my GF and that I would be able to have this double life without any harm coming to anybody.
You have to realize that this was a very sick internal agreement that I had come to with myself. I think they refer to this as the "fog". For me, I snapped out of the fog immediately upon seeing the hurt I had caused my GF. I think I was probably coming out of it a little before that though, because I think part of me wanted to be caught. Wanted the on-line stuff to end.
I want you to know that I see none of these 'causes' as excuses. Whether I have emotional problems or not I made conscious choices and I accept responsiblity for all of them. They were just really bad, hurtful choices. I'm in IC now working hard on getting to the root of why I made those choices. I want to put myself in the best position to make good choices in the future. Good choices for those I love and for me.
I hope that answers your question a bit. Its hard to pull all these pieces together because so much happens on so many levels. If both you and your WH want your R I think that's a tremendous start. Continue to ask him the questions that come to you. I'm sure he will need to do a great deal of internal and external work to make your R work, to help you heal, and to come to a better understanding about himself.
I thought being a perfect wife (or as perfect as I could be) would be all he needed too. I really don't think it's about us (the BS) as it's about them and their "needs".
My WH says it really had nothing to with me other than he was looking for attention. I honestly don't know that I could have given him more "positive" attention to make him feel like a good father, husband, or man. He has to find that within himself now.
But like you, it started with the "innocent banter", and evolved into a dark place very rapidly. Feel free to PM me any time you need a shoulder. I've been there...
I did do some digging online with the info that I DID have and found that he had posted to several local meetup forums for orgys, as well as some for cities that he visits frequently for work. He insists that he never met anyone in person, but I find it VERY hard to believe, when dates and times were set up and agreed to in these forums.
He's also posted in detail about being in private rooms in adult bookstores. I recently put a keylogger on his computer before he went out of town. No more posts or profiles at adult personal sites so far, but he's been watching a LOT of porn. 6 hours in a weekend, from Friday morning to Saturday night.
So, at this point, I'm just waiting. I have the keylogger in place and am just watching. He goes out of town a lot in the next couple of months. He swore to me that he never met anyone that he chatted with online and never will go back to the personals sites or chat again. We'll see.
Hate seeing her type even an email now...
Married 7 years when she trashed our wedding vows and took a chance with our kids lives.
3 Boys 5, 3, 1
DDay - March 2008