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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
redvixen
♀ Member
Member # 15259
Default  Posted: 6:09 PM, October 19th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to say to everyone who was wondering if they had a place on this thread - they do. Unfortunately. I did want to say that therapy has been helping us. IT's been getting out all kinds of things that have built up. One of the things my H said about the onling stuff - he feels like he's looking the best he ever has. He did get married really young, and hasn't dated a whole lot, and women find him attractive, and he has no idea how to limit flirting. The therapist said also that with his age (44) and the cancer diagnosis, that he's trying to "prove" that he's still "virile" and manly. It's a midlife crisis slammed with a serious health issue, so double the trouble. We have begun communicating better than we have in years, but we still have a long way to go. There are still issues, and I have no idea if I will ever be able to trust him fully ever again, but we are working forward and doing our best. If you can find a therapist, go for it. I found ours through a community program and they charge on a sliding scale based on your salary/ies. Even if you decide to end the relationship, therapy for yourself alone is very helpful. I wish everyone here peace and strength. We could all sure use it.


Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010


Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
Tolana
♀ New Member
Member # 13778
Default  Posted: 10:00 PM, October 25th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So are these keylogger and other programs ILLEGAL?


BS (me): 35
WS (him): 37
Married 8 years
DDay: 26 Feb. 2007
Found all the accounts at sex sites online: March 2008

Sick of his sh*t.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: far away from home
aintlifegrand
♀ New Member
Member # 21393
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

To "sheisnothappy"...

I love your tag line - Since yesterday is in the past, each new day is a chance for a new beginning. I hope you don't mind, but I added it to my profile. It speaks volumes...!!


"You can always answer a question with a question"
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
"Since yesterday is in the past, each new day is a chance for a new beginning.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: aintlifegrand
aintlifegrand
♀ New Member
Member # 21393
Default  Posted: 1:09 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would like to say that many of your stories ring a lot of truth to my situation.

I am a BS, I think (not sure of all the acronyms.. ) Anyway, its my husband that has had the big A....

They met online and have met up. We are in the reconsiliation (sp?) stage and still having issues...but hopefully, God willin' and the creek don't rise, we will get through this.

Crickey..! It hurts alot, doesn't it..?


"You can always answer a question with a question"
"When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
"Since yesterday is in the past, each new day is a chance for a new beginning.

Posts: 4 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: aintlifegrand
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Helpless  Posted: 1:21 PM, October 27th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Second Life. That was my drug of choice. I started on it in December 2007 and thought it was the greatest thing ever. I got to imagine myself as somebody else (an avatar) and do the things that I was afraid to do in real life. It started good. I am a musician and I learned how to DJ and stream music online. I had a few music shows that I would do every week and really enjoyed sharing my interests and music tastes with other people. I was able to make friends like I had never been able to do before in Real Life (RL). But then I started to see you could also have fun ‘flirting’ and I started doing a little bit of that for ‘entertainment’. Still, most of the time the focus was on meeting friends and sharing ideas, but more and more I felt drawn into the side where ‘what happens in SL stays in SL’. I mean, online fooling around…how does that hurt anyone? Then I started spending more and more hours online. Staying on until 3 or 4 in the morning. Sneaking into bed. Lying about the people I was meeting. Then I started to justify my increasingly huge amount of time on line: “This is MY time. I DESERVE this. I’ve been responsible all my life, now its my turn to have fun, and be irresponsible. My GF really isn’t interested in me anyway. She doesn’t care about me, I need to find people who care about me.” All the while my GF was begging me to come to bed. My kids were constantly being shooed away by me. My GF even wept, telling me how lonely she was. All of this I just brushed away. Then in June I finally made the leap. I found another avatar who seemed to be actually female and lived far enough away I felt sure I would be able to keep things online only, And I went after that relationship. Telling her romantic bullshit and lies, flirting, talking sex. Proceeded to online cybersex (good lord…embarrassing to even admit to it) then the phone calling started. I’d find ways to talk on the phone. There was some phone sex talk, but it was mostly being two needy, selfish adolescents feeding into each other’s sicknesses. One night I was talking to her on the cell phone right next to the room I formerly shared with my GF. My GF walked in and I, like the idiot I am tried to deny everything. I quickly saw that there was no way to deny what I was doing. But the thing that really got me was the look on my GFs face. The hurt, the anger, the devastation. Oh god help me, I knew that I had crushed her. That was July 20. The day both of our lives changed forever. I am working hard now in IC, and we were doing CC, but she’s stopped. I don’t know if I can ever get her back. She says I can’t. But I value our R too much to stop trying. I value her love, her friendship. I hope it isn’t too late. But I thought I’d share this for anybody who has had any similar experiences with Second Life. Feel free to ask me anything you want.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, October 28th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland -

Thank you for sharing your story. It feels very similar to my overall story Either way for me it's nice to know that the WS is suffering (not that I want WH to suffer but I'm so upset it's nice to know he is too) as well.

Last night I spent over an hour yelling at WH because I'm so angry. He did very well listening but of course gets frusterated. I just want to scream. I need to try 180 but am having such a hard time with it.

Anyway, I wanted to say thank you for sharing. It really did help me to understand a bit more.

[This message edited by newday2day at 10:42 AM, October 28th (Tuesday)]


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi newday-I'm glad that you found some help in my post. I don't know exactly why we make the decisions we do, but the crushing reality of those choices-the things that cannot be undone-is horrifying. I wish all the best for you and your WH as you struggle through these dark days.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
D-prsed
♀ New Member
Member # 21434
Default  Posted: 9:02 AM, October 29th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland, I have questions. Why did you do it? If you value your GF so much...then why? My H had an online A while he was deployed but the difference is that he saw her face to face everyday. We have two children and I have so many questions. What is it about the OW you felt you needed? Why wasn't your GF enough. My H says I am everything he ever wanted or needed. If this is true then why would he need to do it?


"Character is who you are when nobody is watching"

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2008
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 8:28 AM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

oooh boy D-prsed, your question is very important and hits me hard. I'll try to answer as best I can.

For me I found the on-line world as a place of retreat from responsibility. I've seen myself all my life as the person who has to take care of other people. On-line I could escape that reality. Everything was fantasy and that really drew me in. It really didn't have anything to do with my GF, it had more to do with wanting this fantasy life. When I found the OW who would help me build on this fantasy, then the slippery slope became a cliff. Since it was all fantasy masquerading as reality it could be anything I wanted. I could be anything I wanteed. I had convinced myself that I was finally doing something for just me, and I deluded myself into thinking that was very important and necessary. I wanted to believe that what I was doing would not hurt my GF and that I would be able to have this double life without any harm coming to anybody.

You have to realize that this was a very sick internal agreement that I had come to with myself. I think they refer to this as the "fog". For me, I snapped out of the fog immediately upon seeing the hurt I had caused my GF. I think I was probably coming out of it a little before that though, because I think part of me wanted to be caught. Wanted the on-line stuff to end.

I want you to know that I see none of these 'causes' as excuses. Whether I have emotional problems or not I made conscious choices and I accept responsiblity for all of them. They were just really bad, hurtful choices. I'm in IC now working hard on getting to the root of why I made those choices. I want to put myself in the best position to make good choices in the future. Good choices for those I love and for me.

I hope that answers your question a bit. Its hard to pull all these pieces together because so much happens on so many levels. If both you and your WH want your R I think that's a tremendous start. Continue to ask him the questions that come to you. I'm sure he will need to do a great deal of internal and external work to make your R work, to help you heal, and to come to a better understanding about himself.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
D-prsed
♀ New Member
Member # 21434
Default  Posted: 2:05 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you very much for your reply Copeland. A lot of what you said are the same reasons that he gave me so in a way I know it is not all hot air. My WH is doing a lot of soul searching and realizing things that he did to me before all of this and it is opening his eyes to the fact that he had some serious work to do on being a good H even before the affair. I guess that is one good thing that is coming out of this. D day was only last Monday though so everything is still very raw for me and questions still spin in my head. I thought if I was the most perfect wife I could be that it would be enough and it wasn't. He needed to do his half too.


"Character is who you are when nobody is watching"

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2008
newday2day
♀ Member
Member # 21318
Default  Posted: 2:55 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-prsed,

I thought being a perfect wife (or as perfect as I could be) would be all he needed too. I really don't think it's about us (the BS) as it's about them and their "needs".

My WH says it really had nothing to with me other than he was looking for attention. I honestly don't know that I could have given him more "positive" attention to make him feel like a good father, husband, or man. He has to find that within himself now.


BS 31
WS 36
Married 9/1/07
D Day #1 1/21/08 - personals ad response
D Day #2 5/15/08 - created 2 personals ads
D Day #3, 4, & 5 10/08 - personals ad response, phone sex, calling escort services
Newest D-Day 1/1/2010 - Will it ever end? This tim

Posts: 95 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Michigan
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 4:05 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quite frequently we as BS's try to fill the vessel with love, attention, positivity etc, but when the opening is turned another way, it does not pour in; it pours over, around and is a puddle on the floor. It then gets stepped on by the recipient WS, splashed around but only acknowledged as smothering and drowning.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, October 30th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is true that we W's twist a lot of the situations in our relationships to build a structure that supports our betrayal. Justifies it. Good things are minimized, ignored, or maniuplated to seem insincere. Bad things act as proof that we are not 'understood'. That is part of the tragedy. That is one of the places where I feel truly remorseful.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
D-prsed
♀ New Member
Member # 21434
Helpless  Posted: 2:00 PM, October 31st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand everything you all are saying and I think you are right. No matter how much we pour in:
but when the opening is turned another way, it does not pour in; it pours over, around and is a puddle on the floor. It then gets stepped on by the recipient WS, splashed around but only acknowledged as smothering and drowning.
You could not be more right. Copeland it seems that you are truly remorseful. I hope my WH is as remorseful as you are deep inside and not just on the outside. There is nothing that the BS can do to prevent this. This is a personal struggle inside that the WS chooses which side wins.


"Character is who you are when nobody is watching"

Posts: 12 | Registered: Oct 2008
Listeningclosely
♂ Member
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 3:09 PM, October 31st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Copeland - just wanted you to know you're not alone. My entry into the Wayward world was similar. Not on SL but through an online forum encourage married people to flirt with other married people.

But like you, it started with the "innocent banter", and evolved into a dark place very rapidly. Feel free to PM me any time you need a shoulder. I've been there...


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 23 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4454 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 31st (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

thanks LC, I will probably take you up on that..


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
levans
♀ New Member
Member # 5333
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It appears that I belong here. I've been married 5 years to my H. A couple of weeks ago, I picked up his computer to check my email and found an email account of his open that I had not ever seen before. In it were emails from adultfriendfinder.com and several other adult personal sites. I wish I would have forwarded every one of those emails to myself before confronting him with it, but I didn't. So, by the time I asked for all of his user IDs and passwords, of course they were all deleted.

I did do some digging online with the info that I DID have and found that he had posted to several local meetup forums for orgys, as well as some for cities that he visits frequently for work. He insists that he never met anyone in person, but I find it VERY hard to believe, when dates and times were set up and agreed to in these forums.

He's also posted in detail about being in private rooms in adult bookstores. I recently put a keylogger on his computer before he went out of town. No more posts or profiles at adult personal sites so far, but he's been watching a LOT of porn. 6 hours in a weekend, from Friday morning to Saturday night.

So, at this point, I'm just waiting. I have the keylogger in place and am just watching. He goes out of town a lot in the next couple of months. He swore to me that he never met anyone that he chatted with online and never will go back to the personals sites or chat again. We'll see.


**Lynn**

Posts: 14 | Registered: Sep 2004 | From: Missouri
wendylisa4
♀ Member
Member # 15064
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would anyone mind going to my posting in Recon and answer my question or tell me what to do? My husbands been on Yahoo Personals posting to women saying hi there and all of this. Is this considered to be having an affair? HELP ME PLEASE


BSH-35
ME(WS)-35
Together-16yrs 12/10/94
Married-8 1/2yrs 05/14/02
D-day-03-28-05
D-15
S-10

Posts: 537 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Eastern, NC now to Arizona
everagain
♂ Member
Member # 19804
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, November 2nd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is how it started. My neighbor got my wifes email address and his first email to her was something like Utoh, it got yoru email now, bryan better watch out or something. Next set of emails that came from him were of the "tell me if I go to far, i can get carried away", he was making suggestive talk, using things like Christmas Cookies - Ginger Bread women... supid shit but looking back, he was working my wife for a while. THat was novemver-ish when it started. She slowly kept at it. One day told her he had a dream about her, taking her farther down the slippery path. It turned to a second email account, and constant IMing during the day (my WW is a SAHM, he works at home). That turned into meeting at the gym a couple times, masterbating online a couple times, and then she flat out lies to my face about going shopping, she goes to his house to take him a pair of her underware he had been asked for a few times. She goes over and they have sex. That weekend i notice somthing is off. I confront her on Monday, my life has sucked since.

Hate seeing her type even an email now...


Me: BH (33)
Her: WW (30)

Married 7 years when she trashed our wedding vows and took a chance with our kids lives.

3 Boys 5, 3, 1
Why?
DDay - March 2008


Posts: 63 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: lost
Copeland
♂ Member
Member # 21005
Default  Posted: 12:43 PM, November 3rd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wendy-the short answer is "Yes" this is an A. Committed people don't troll around the personals and post to profiles unless they are fishing for an A.


Male 49-No longer defining myself by fidelity roles...been both. Time for a new start.
"Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."-Leonard Cohen

Posts: 854 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Midwest
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