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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Brave Latina
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Member # 19774
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, June 26th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

,HasHi ladies,Ive ben posting in other treads here before but this time I need some advice from someone else..this is what going on:,Ive been trying to place a keylogger system in our home cmpt.but my dear H has something call "McAfee" and I need to see if I can retrieve some old e mails,so if any one can give some advice I would apreciated this,long story mine..You can read my profile...Mind Fuck!,Dear H..,Sorry cant help it,thanks in advance..

Posts: 11 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Midsouth
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Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS had so many multiple affairs (PA/EA) all through the means of internet chat. Porn came after he became more and more desensitized to what he is doing and rationalizing his behaviour. I had an inkling of online EA's before we got married and we decided to start anew when we got married.

However, it never got resolved (he continued even after marriage off and on)and I never knew just what level of EA it was and that there were PA's throuought until he confessed all last year after I asked him about porn sites on the computer.

That's how he started, he belittled the internet chat as harmless... look where it got him. It's shocked him to realize that he is an adulterer. He thought once he'd married that was it. Internet chat persuaded him all the way to the other side because he thought it was harmless.

Not only that, he lost a lot of money we did not have due to his EA/PA over internet girls. And he's a very frugal person. I can still see the shock, disillusionment, and anger he felt on himself when I showed him the credit card bills.

[This message edited by Simple at 6:44 PM, July 22nd (Tuesday)]

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
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Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I trusted my WH to go on a trip with friends to Japan in May. It was there he met a married japanese woman who after chatting in a bar and taking him out for an authentic japanese meal (total of 3/4 hours over two nights) took him to a 'Love Hotel' and paid for a room for one hour where they had sex. They did this again before he came home but once he did come home they began emailing and eventually Skyp'ing and texting on a daily basis. He bought a laptop so he could stay up late and wait for her to get on the Skype (8 hours time difference). She was planning to come over here to visit him when I found out (dday 10 june 08), 5 weeks after he first met her. He told me when he came back that she was a friend teaching him japanese and I believed him. He even showed me photos of them together - he says a half truth is better than a lie. She told him she loved him after 2 weeks of chatting and he reciprocated but felt uneasy about it and the fact she was planning to come over. He ended it when I found out straight away and he says he was relieved I found out. He is now fully committed to our marriage and realises his big mistakes but she has text'd him a few times since. He has told me every time and the last time I sent her a text back asking her to leave us alone as we were trying to reconcile. Until that point I was a non-entity to her. Hopefully she has got the message because each text breaks my heart all over again. Mobile phones and computers make me nervous and when he goes online I feel physically sick. He was also addicted to online porn (daily masturbation) which I asked him to stop doing and he has to my knowledge as well as cancel all of his subscriptions of which I have evidence.
I feel it is so much easier to deal with a partner who is open and honest, who acknowledges their mistakes and takes steps to put things right. If he wasn't like that I would be a single lady right now.

Me BS 36
Him FWH 38
First child born 2012
Married since Sept 2005
D Day 10 June 2008
5 week PA and Internet chat long distance
He just did it for sex

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, July 24th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Monkey!

Have your read the information in the healing library?

Has your husband gone completely No Contact with this OW? Perhaps a well crafted firm No Contact letter is in order for her to quit texting or otherwise trying to contact him.

It's often said here on SI that any form of contact must cease from your side. If he is replying to her texts, even to say "leave me alone" she will still stay in contact.

Changing phone numbers and closing out all email and messenger accounts that were used to make contact is also another method.

Internet porn is another issue.

I am glad you feel he is being transparent and honest at this point. It takes a while for us betrayed to "catch up" with the wayward as far as healing goes. You are reacting to what happened in the past, and we do have those reactions for quite some time.

With the internet, because computers are a part of life anymore, it's hard for those that have been betrayed via that route not to be totally uncomfortable for a long time when their WS is on it.

It sounds like your husband is working to help you heal!

Since this is your first post, you probably have been reading a lot!

Hopefully your WH stays the course of committing and helping you heal!

FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
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Default  Posted: 12:49 AM, July 25th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Unarmbears,
Yes, as far as I can find out he has gone completely NC with the OW. He deleted the last message before reading it and told me he received it but I was so incensed with the OW that I decided to make myself known to her and told her to back off. I had kept all contact details for myself for just such an occasion. I believe that letting her know that I existed (he never spoke about me to her although they knew they were both married)will make her realise that it is not just a cosy twosome and that he is serious about reconciliation by telling me she has contacted him.

Hopefully this will have the desired effect of getting rid of her. I only wish I knew her home address so I could tell her husband what she has been up to....

Me BS 36
Him FWH 38
First child born 2012
Married since Sept 2005
D Day 10 June 2008
5 week PA and Internet chat long distance
He just did it for sex

Posts: 62 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: UK
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Default  Posted: 12:43 AM, July 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is it considered "cyber cheating" if WS has known OW IRL for 15 years before anything started? OW had a huge crush on H for many years, literally the whole time we have been married. I never considered her a threat because of 2 reasons. #1 My H never gave me reason to be concerned at all. To everyone around we had the perfect marriage. and #2 The OW is extremely ugly, I mean really unfortunate. He was at a low point over there in Iraq and started looking at porn online. That really surprised me because he's never shown an interest in even a Playboy before. And then she was incessant with the emails. They got dirtier and dirtier until they were basically X rated. I have copies of all correspondence. It actually took him 6 months to "get into the talk" after she started, but boy did he then. Anyway, back to my question. Is it cyber cheating if the WS knew the person IRL before it started?

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about the things that matter." MLK, Jr.

Posts: 849 | Registered: Jul 2008
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Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(sigh) Another club I belong to. My XH had an EA throughout our entire relationship, both pre- and post-marriage, all carried out strictly "online" (how this is possible goes beyond even my imagination).

I don't get it, even after all this time. I don't think I'll ever understand.

XBS - 42 and fabulous :D
I may not say much, but I'm always happy to be of help to anyone in need. :)

Posts: 594 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: The Chesapeake Bay
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DOH!  Posted: 3:38 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello deadinside08:
What you describe would normally be called cyber cheating, cyber sex, or possibly an "emotional affair." Your circumstances sounds unique in that your husband seems to have confided in you what was happening. By your description, I am not totally sure how you know all about his cyber sex with this other woman though.

To me, it sounds like he was really stalked by his former acquaintance. He finally caved in. I want to say, to me this is all too typical of men with libido and loneliness. That is, if they're stalked and pressured enough for sex of any kind, many will give in to their baser instincts. For God's sake, he was in Iraq. This other woman (OW) is a total shit to take advantage of him that way. Of course, he still bears total responsibility for his actions, no matter how heart-rending his situation is and no matter what great service he's doing in Iraq.

It sounds to me like you have a strong marriage. With complete openness and honesty, you can overcome this. He must sever all ties to this OW! He needs to come clean and get rid of his so-called "crush" on her.

Bottom line: Yes, this is cyber cheating.

M 36 years
D-day 6/5/2008
EA, almost morphed to PA
me - BW

Posts: 16 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Northern California
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Default  Posted: 3:53 PM, July 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

my A started as an EA on the computer. i got sucked into an online community focused mainly on adults trying to promote themselves through a stupid point system.. you get rated and such... yeah i was so stupid and selfish.

then me being a dumb-ass met the guy in person... i took it way too far and for what..? to be separated and starting over again through R. i am ashamed that i was so selfish and i am sorry to anyone who is on the receiving end of this.


Posts: 287 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Washington DC
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Default  Posted: 1:45 AM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome Fireball! My fwh's a's were "only" online too. It is possible if you really want to convince yourself that you aren't really engaging in a's since it is "only" online.

There is excitement found in the anonymity from what I have read. The WS gets to engage in the epitome of fantasy in online relationships.

It was a surreal experience for him and me! I couldn't believe it was happening and could not imagine how it could be fulfilling at all!

Welcome to this little corner of SI deadinside08. Yep I would consider it cyber cheating no matter how long a person was known in real life. If the venue of cheating was online, then it's cyber cheating.

Welcome and thank you for the apology Emoore! I think that the BS has as hard a time coming to terms with online affairs being cheating as it is easy for a WS to convince themselves it isn't cheating.

Like I said, the epitome of fantasy.

Have a good night all!

FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
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Default  Posted: 7:04 PM, August 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, everyone. I've already been here for my H's affair with a co-worker last year. NOw I have the misfortune to have discovered (through snooping) a link to one of those adult sites and his messages to other women. Plus, judging by the messages, he nearly met one of them in person, except she canceled at the last minute. Since I had managed to get on his account, I sent messages to all the women he'd sent messages to, telling them who I was, and how much he lied about some of his....abilities. HAH! Now we are going to a MC, which we should have done last year. I've gotten the ILYBNILWY speech, and the "confused" talk, and to top all this off I also belong on the "Dealing with an A during an Illness" (my H was diagnosed with cancer.) I don't know what's going to happen. I feel like an idiot for giving him a second chance after last year (before we knew about the cancer). I guess I look at it like a last chance. If we can work out our marriage through counseling, great. But I can't live with this for the rest of my life.

Me, BS Him WS early 40's at the start, cheated before and after cancer diagnosis.
Two A's, two OW's, online looking for sex partners, two false R's.
Threw him out in January 2009.
Divorce final March 30th, 2010

XWH died Dec. 2010

Posts: 4104 | Registered: Jul 2007 | From: New Jersey
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Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, August 30th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"So my dick is on the internet, big fucking deal."
"I didn't cheat on you, I was just messing around online."
"It was all masturbatory and fantasy, I would never have actually met any of these people."

*sigh* I wish I wasn't a member of this club, but I am. I'm also sorry I'm surrounded by so many of you.

Me: BW, married 14yrs
D-Day 04/2008; 07/2008; 10/2008; 03/2010 & 08/2010
DIVORCED, and moving forward

Posts: 1016 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Texas
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Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, September 11th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Hello everybody. I am new to posting on this board, but I have been lurking since around June 3rd of this year. Today I found this forum and it totally describes me and what I've been going through. My WS was having an affair via "MySpace" and texting. It has crushed me and he doesn't understand why because "it was all talk". I was reading through your posts about catching spouses registered at sites like AFF and I had never heard of these sites but decided to look them up. I am still in shock because so far I have found my WS registered at 3 sites. I am trembling even now and I have no idea what to do about this. A part of me wants to jump him as soon as he gets home from work, but the more rationale side says to wait awhile and watch to see what's going on. Because the other affair was strictly online(I think), I am left with this sick wondering of if it ever really did become a PA, and will I ever really know the truth? Now I find this and I am devastated. I just gave birth to twin girls. Married for 13 years. I hate him so much but yet I love him?!?! Is that possible? Any advice on what to do about the info I discovered today? There is more to our story but I am literally too sick to write anymore right now. Is there any more of these "hook-up" sites I should know about so I can check them out too? Thank God I found this site.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
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Helpless  Posted: 10:16 AM, September 12th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey guys, It's me again. I posted yesterday. I feel certain I need to install a keylogger on my computer, but am clueless about how/which one. WS is system administrator (we have Vista). Is there anything I can do? I managed to keep my mouth shut last night and acted like nothing was wrong. It is so hard. If anybody could PM me I would so appreciate it. We have 4 children involved in this marriage. I need help.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello Happyending. I am sorry to hear about your discoveries. I discovered my husband's physical affair through MySpace and a year later, after it was over, I discovered all the accounts on and AFF and ifriends, etc. He doesn't consider it cheating since he isn't touching them. But when he gets up at 4 am to go to these sites and to chat with women, and is too tired in the evening for me, I call that cheating. We live overseas (he's military) and 4 am is the perfect time to talk to women back in the USA. If I were you, I'd take screen shots of anything you find online.

My question -- I asked about Keylogger and some of these other programs a few months ago. I haven't installed any of them. The other day my husband was saying something about a page I had looked at on my computer. I jokingly asked if he had installed a keylogger on my computer. He said it was ILLEGAL to do that. Now I don't know if this is even an option for me. I can understand if it is illegal in certain cases but how about in a marriage? Yes, we have separate computers in our apartment but is it illegal???

BS (me): 35
WS (him): 37
Married 8 years
DDay: 26 Feb. 2007
Found all the accounts at sex sites online: March 2008

Sick of his sh*t.

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: far away from home
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Default  Posted: 12:14 AM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact that it's "just" online makes it easier for a WS to justify, and honestly, harder for them to comprehend that they're cheating. Because it isn't face to face real life, to some WSes it probably feels like porn. Not saying that makes it any better, but certainly it can explain why a WS might feel it's less wrong than a "real" A.

I know that my online chatting with OP facilitated the PA, so there's a real danger, even if the WS is in denial about that.

You can't heal what you won't feel.

"There would be no grand absolution, only forgiveness meted out in these precious sips. It would well up from his heart in spoonfuls, and he would feed it to me. And it would be enough."

Posts: 23475 | Registered: May 2004
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Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, September 28th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies everyone. Whats so scary to me is that i'm afraid this has been going on for the majority of our marriage. I only find out when he tried to take it to the next level. They met on myspace, escalated to talking on phone and texting. My 13 year old daughter intercepted a text from the OW to my husband and that's what started me down this long road. Devastating.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2008 | From: Georgia
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Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 7th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi I just joined the other day so I don't know if it's okay to ask to join this club or not. I just found out very recently (9/12) that my WH has been "involved" with someone for 2 1/2 years now. It began as chatting/cyber sex and then as he put it they became just friends.

I found these very intimate and detailed emails on his cell phone that he let me use. I'm not sure if it was a OEA or if it ever became a PA. He swears he has never met her in person and has not touched her; that it was only fantasy roleplaying. I'm not so sure. I found out he had her address on his computer address book and she lived 15 min. from where we lived. That doesn't sound like someone you just met "randomly" on a chatline to me. I could go on and on about other evidence I found online and coincidences that pretty much stack up. Much like everyone else here; I'm devastated. I can't eat,sleep, or stop crying. I have pulled myself together and we have started talking calmly.

I emailed the OW, don't ask me why, hoping to get some answers I guess. She didn't bother to contact me back. After all, I wasn't a PAYING customer, so why should she?
I knew he was into online porn but I didn't think it would go this far. He also told me last night that he even broke it off with her once-due to his guilt-but went back after we had argued. Now I feel like every time we ever said anything mean to each other in anger-he went elsewhere for comfort. I can't believe he would do this to me. We've been married 24 years with 2 kids (15 & 21) and we've been together since High School, over 30 years! If I'm overstepping here let me know? Maybe I'm still too raw to be here. Thanks

Faithful Wife of 24+ yrs: Me
WS: Him

Status: Struggling Everday to

what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another-Anatole France

Posts: 2181 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: North Carolina
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Default  Posted: 5:18 AM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is my club!! About a month ago, my bf met a client online [[he does online business]] from texas...his age, legally married...I looked on his myspace type page and she was leaving things that even I wouldn't leave...I warned him about her and ever sinc she came in, he was more distant...After seeing him and after we talked things out and worked it out [[we broke up a week prior]] I thought all was well...never called me for a week so I went to his page and guess whose in love?? I accidentally clicked on his profile the other day and he is so hung up on this girl, it's unbelievable. AND SHE'S IN TEXAS AND LEGALLY MARRIED!!! **PUKE**

Doesn't necessarily boost the ego

::"You backstabbing two-timing scallywag! And as God as my witness, I will never shampoo your hair again!" - Blanche Deveraux::

Posts: 143 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Over here...or maybe over there...
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Default  Posted: 7:32 PM, October 18th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This site is apparently my home. Mine did it all thru the computer. Porn sites, Webcams, Craigslist, chat rooms, he emailed a hooker but the letter never got sent. Told her he had moved for a job and the wife was back home and he was missing female touch. F****er. But I know it didn't get sent because it was in his outbox and the mail wasn't working. That's how I found that one. don't really know how far he went because he denied a lot of it at first until I started finding stuff. He swears nothing happened physically but now I think of him as a lying cheating bas**** so I can't believe anything he says anymore. He told me none of it mattered because he didn't chat with any one girl more than once and they didn't mean anything to him and he loves me. When he left to move for the job he was so upset he actually threw up. Cried for days that he missed me. Meanwhile he was looking for girls online. When I asked him why: same line as everyone else seems to get: I was "bored", "curious", "lonely", "I don't know what I was looking for" "I don't know why I did it", "I don't know what I was thinking when I sent that email--I would never have gone thru with it". He is totally mortified and embarrassed and said he couldn't stand the hurt on my face--made him sick--so he did give me his laptop so now he has no access to all those sites--he told me he wanted me to take it home because he felt guilty and he couldn't promise he wouldn't go on bad sites again--apparently somewhere in there he realizes he has a problem. he doesn't have computers at work, but I find that I still don't trust him. My mind goes into overdrive and I wonder if he is going thru the phone books if he is so desperate. He had to temporarily move away for a job because of our financial situation, and his cousin gave him a job 900 miles away. When he was with me he was so depressed he didn't seem to have much of a libido (because of the finances and he couldn't find a job), but boy, when he left, he sure made up for it. I don't understand either, because I am attractive (I have been told!), and very willing, but I believe he has intimacy problems. Seems sex has to be "bad" for him to want it. But he was my best friend and he told me things he never told anyone else (according to his family) so I thought we had something special. Found out he was sexually abused by a neighbor when he was a boy, and his dad kept a good stash of porn around, so apparently he doesn't know what a healthy sexual relationship is. I do want to try to work it out, because I still love him, but dday was July and I am having more and more days of anger and hate towards him. I am not a cussing person but have found myself using those words and sometimes just wanting to leave him. I don't know if we are going to make it, and I know if I catch anything else I will be gone, but I have a young child that has a nutcase for a dad, and my new husband has been very good for her and she looks up to him and loves him and he would take a bullet for her so I feel I have to try, but my heart just isn't in it half the time.

Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

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