I have explained to him that because he met OW off a chatroom, its not an appropriate place for him to be right now, esp when he keeps hiding it from me ... and that talking to single women is NOT acceptable for a WS. If he wants to talk to people then he should talk to his friends at work or his family.
Do you really believe that you need to explain that to him? He is a grown man with I assume some intelligence. In no way, under no circumstance, should you believe that you need to make him see, make him understand, make him get it.
You sound like you are immersed in codependency, a behavior of trying to control the uncontrollable. He knows exactly what he is doing and the damage it caused and can cause. Please believe that and live accordingly.
You aren't alone in what you're going through. (HUG))
Married - since 20 yrs old
"Surviving is important....Thriving is elegant"
Anyone else here have a World of Warcraft issue in their lives?
Just wondering. I dont' use PM but you could respond here.
My story is all on my profile. Basically my WH had a ONS 5 years ago. About 1 1/2 years after that, he became overcome with guilt and shame and began trying to fulfill his vision of himself as a worthless scumbag. So he turned to Craigslist. He started perusing the personals, then he began emailing with people, then sending them pics of himself including dirty ones, asking for pics of the girls, IMing with them, and about 6 months after starting that he actually met two of the women and had ONS's with each of them.
He (for some odd reason) stopped have PA's at this point, but for the next 3 years he continued emailing and IMing people from CL. He also was calling them on the phone to get excited while driving to work. During the last year of his email situation, he contacted his x and began emailing her also. She is also married. Within days their emails turned sexual. We lived in a different state than her, so all their contact was email so I didn't see the long distance bill.
He and the x carried on for over a year emailing each other and IMing each other. He had a secret email acct that I knew nothing about, nor did I ever suspect anything. He was also contacting the CL skanks at the same time... and I call them that because they KNEW he was married (he was very honest with all of THEM, wasn't that nice?), and they were ALL willing to fool around with a married guy who made it clear that his W didn't know. Anyway.... after about 6 months of emailing the x, we moved to the same city she lives in. Then he began calling her, often! They met twice in secret to have lunch, fortunately they emailed each other about it too afterwards or I wouldn't believe that nothing happened. He even had her come to my house once, while I was home, and pretended he didn't know if it was her. We were selling something on CL, and he said "I think this guy that wants to buy this thing is my x's H". He KNEW the whole time that it was her H, and he invited the x, and her H, to our house to pick up this thing. The X's H is about 7 inches taller than my WH, and has a good 100 pounds on him too, could PUMMEL my WH to a million little pieces, and my idiot WH invited this man to our house. DUH!!!!
Anyway, I think the thing that hurts the worst about this is that I was literally sitting on the couch, 2 feet away from my WH, while he was having these nasty conversations with these OW. I just can't believe it! WH would yell at the kids for bothering him while he was on the PC, and I would defend him because he told me he was working on the PC, and he had a legitimate excuse to be doing so... yet he wasn't working, he was cheating. WH would sit with me, supposed to be watching a movie, and get on the laptop and tell his x that he was watching a movie with me, but it was ok, they could chat, so they would get an IM going and he would talk dirty to her while supposedly being with me! It makes my skin crawl, it really does. I think the whole internet thing actually hurts me more than the ONS's did.... those were short term, 3 days and they were done, but this... he has been doing this, and lying about it, and betraying me daily for over 4 years. I wanna scream!
I haven't posted here in almost a year since I mostly chat with a few people on here through PM. One year ago, I had my first dday and next month it'll be the a year since d-day 2.
After some counseling, he learned that he's a sex addict.
Anyway, my H hasn't cheated on me since the last dday but several times I cought him sending messages to women on Myspace and reponding to adult ads on Craigslist. I deleted his first Myspace profile and the last time he contacted a woman online was today and before that, on March 20th this year. I set conditions for him because I'm tired of putting up with his shenanigans.
When he slipped up last time, I wrote up a mock contract basically telling him I would leave ASAP the minute he cheated on me in any way, be it in person or on the internet.
He's addicted to porn and I can tolerate that as long as he admits that slip up within 24 hours because I don't expect him to not slip up once in a while.
Since he went a month without chatting with other women on here, I let him have a Myspace again and I even made it for him. Today I caught him telling a woman on Myspace that she's beautiful.
I saw her reply and she seemed clueless, she just said "Thank you, do I know you?" His profile is set to private so obviously she didn't know he's married.
Well, I said it was over and I was about to make the arrangements to pack my bags and the kids and leave. He stopped me and begged me to reconsider. Because of the fact that a complement was all that was said to this woman on Myspace and the fact that she didn't show much interest, I let it slide just this once.
My H regresses on his addictions the most when he's stressed and has nothing to do. Today he was off from work so that put some time on his hands.
He already allows me to monitor his online activities and he even encourages me to do that all the time to keep him in check. I even bought a keylogger to ensure that I won't be blindsighted.
I guess my question is, did I do the right thing by letting it slide?
Had he given that woman his cell phone number and/or asked to meet with her I would be packing my bags right now. I even told him that, and I also told him this would be the final warning.
He keeps telling me he needs my help to fight his addiction.
Just read my profile as well as my older posts on here if you want to know my story.
My WH knows that by his OWN actions, he has lost all privelidges to be on the computer for non essential things. Myspace, facebook, AFF, classmates.com, all those are NON essential sites to be on. If WH wants to communicate with his family and friends, he can email them or call them. He doesn't HAVE to have Myspace to talk to them.
In my opinion, the Myspace page and any non essential internet activity would be stopped immediately.
Anyway, I just had a talk with him and we decided he needs to go back to the Sex AA meetings. He can't fight his sex addiction alone.
As for Myspace, I'm not his mom. Myspace isn't to blame, he's the one that chooses to look up those women.
Sites like AFF and the like are forbidden.
A few months ago I also found other contacts on his instant messenger which he claimed "I don't know how they got there!" Whatever. There are charges on our bank account to ifriends and to some bondage site -- both of which he claims he didn't start! Now, I will say that doing a search online does produce many claims of fraud against the two places and possibly that is the case. Possibly.
His computer is in the bedroom and he wakes up very early for work. I have woken up very early and laid there watching and he will ever so slightly turn around as if stretching to see if I am awake. I don't know what he is doing. Looking back, when we were first married we lived apart (due to the military) and one day I was in his barracks room and there phone numbers from women he met online.
I don't know what to do. I have been reading about these keylogger programs but he works with computers so I don't know if he'd know. Plus, I would have to order it in the mail since I live overseas and he has the only mailbox key.
He keeps saying we will go to counseling but there is always some excuse. I love him and hate him at the same time.
Sick of his sh*t.
I have been reading about these keylogger programs but he works with computers so I don't know if he'd know. Plus, I would have to order it in the mail since I live overseas and he has the only mailbox key.
Nope, you can download those programs and purchasing the software is optional. However, if he works with computer he might figure a way to uninstall it.
Tolana PM coming your way on that keylogging software.
Anyone else is welcome to PM me too if you need help or info.
Still in shock that again he is asking for stuff on these ads that I'd be happy to do for him if he gave me a clue.
Sorry since it has been such a long time since I have been in here and I would like to say hello to all the new people in this topic. I am so sorry you people are here and let me tell you that your not are not alone in this area, there are many, many others that have felt the pain you are going through right now and they are all great people that can help.
Just to give you all an update, my wife is still on the computer quite a bit, but now it is all my fault. I am causing the divorce too (even though she asked for it) I am sooo controlling that she does it to prove she can do whatever she wants
Really the reason that people do this is because they think the can treat their spouse anyway they want and they are powerless to do anything about it.
The person that said their spouse was going to break the computer because of what they did, I would have been like....Go ahead, you are curing your own disease..
Keep fighting all of you, don't take their gaslighting, stand up for your rights for a good relationship.
As it is you deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!
What an uncomfortable situation though, her still in the home but acting single...ewww.
Good luck to you and your daughter!
It seems your WS is living a double life, unfortunately they are both in your home, one IRL and one online.
I find it really disrespectful that he spent 4 yrs on that message board without letting you know and without acknowledging his marital status.
I think that is the basic betrayal piece there. The EA and ONS (if that's true) are laced together in the one basic step he made in deception.
My FWH had about the same amount of time under his belt. His was chat rooms and instant message interactions. He even said that if a woman asked he would tell her he was married, but she had to ask, otherwise it was all fair game.
It took a long time and a lot of battles fought to finally get down to the basic betrayal...that he went online at all without being married in his heart, without holding me and our marriage in a respectful place. He went online with the notion of having some harmless fun...but he was so wrong about that!
It really is difficult to imagine that someone could build an entire online persona and live it for four years, let alone let it go immediately. It is possible that he had slowly been realizing what he was doing and finally when it reached the PA part he got scared and confused. I say this because he says he had set up other possible PAs and backed out. He knew it was wrong all along.
My FWH did quite a switch around at the very end also. He said that when it finally all came rolling out on the floor and into reality he realized what a fool he had been for that time.
He wanted none of that again!
It is possible, but yes I agree that MC will help him and you come to terms with this.
I do think that he needs to figure out why he gave himself permission to do this in the first place though. AND how he plans to keep from going there again if he feels a need to escape.
I say that only because I noticed that you have only 5 posts since May, so wanted to offer that option.
My story's in my profile, but the tl;dr version is that WH was actually the OM in a few-year cyberaffair with a MOW on the other side of the continent before we started dating. He carried on the cybersexing without telling me (I knew she was an online 'friend' but not what they were up to) until we'd been together two years and I asked him - purely on a hunch.
He's been remorseful and transparent since, but every once in a while he discovers some new way to test the boundaries I established around his online activity. I really do think it's more cluelessness than malice, mind you, which is why he's still got his balls attached.
We're in R and doing ok, but I still keep a close eye on his chat logs. It's kind of amazing how many women out there in cyberland have husbands who 'just don't understand [them].' At least he's learned that that's a Red Flag phrase instead of a usual part of casual conversation.
How is everyone tonight?