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User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
Lonely_and_hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18216
Default  Posted: 3:45 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Would appreciate any advice someone can give me to handle this situation.


http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=218550



D-Day 1 August 07. D-Day 2 January 08 (same woman).
D-Day 3 March 08 NC never happened.
23 July 08 D-Day 4 NC broken by text. Another false R

Posts: 215 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: UK
Back to Black
♀ Member
Member # 17258
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 6th (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lonely,
These are your words. Read them again.

I have explained to him that because he met OW off a chatroom, its not an appropriate place for him to be right now, esp when he keeps hiding it from me ... and that talking to single women is NOT acceptable for a WS. If he wants to talk to people then he should talk to his friends at work or his family.

Do you really believe that you need to explain that to him? He is a grown man with I assume some intelligence. In no way, under no circumstance, should you believe that you need to make him see, make him understand, make him get it.

You sound like you are immersed in codependency, a behavior of trying to control the uncontrollable. He knows exactly what he is doing and the damage it caused and can cause. Please believe that and live accordingly.

You aren't alone in what you're going through. (HUG))


Me - BS/WS (40)
Him - WS/BS (42)
2 Beautiful Daughters

D'ing!
Married - since 20 yrs old

"Surviving is important....Thriving is elegant"


Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New Jersey
donnaquixote
♀ Member
Member # 18760
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, April 5th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, FWW here.

Anyone else here have a World of Warcraft issue in their lives?

Just wondering. I dont' use PM but you could respond here.


Me: WS, 37 Internet A with OM met on World of Warcraft in Spring 07, EA lasted from November to March 1 2008 cybering started in December
Him: BS, 38 (posts as Firewall)
Dday: March 3, 2008
two kids, one in elem. school

Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: USA Pacific Standard Time
DeceitNoMore
New Member
Member # 19401
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello, this is my first post..Im so glad to have found this place. This is my story, it sort of straddles the line with online and EA so I will post it in both areas.
I am a BW, have been with my WH for 8 years now. Looking back things have been going on for years but in particular, the last year has been the worst. My WH started getting close to his best friend's pregnant g/f. At first it was innocent enough as best friend spent a lot of time out of the home and WH would call and check up on her occasionally. There is about 50 miles between them and us and he would call maybe once every few weeks. I was always present for these calls and they never gave me any feelings that something was amiss. As months went on and best friend was now home every day, WH started talking with bf's g/f (OW) VIA messenger programs. At this point I still didn't have any uncomfortable feelings about the situation.
One evening I was sending files to WH's computer from my laptop, through IM, then printing them off. WH knew I was doing this. So back and forth I am going between my computer and his, sending files. One time, I got to his and clicked on the blinking IM only to find out it wasn't mine but OW's. She had said some pretty "flirty" things calling WH pet names and such. At this point I realized that his IM had logged a previous conversation, all I had to do was scroll up to read the whole thing, lucky me. I was shocked at the dialog between the two. He would tell her how I wasn't satisfying his sexual needs enough, how I was always in a bad mood, how he would cry and I would tell him to shut up. I found it all a bit hilarious because prior to this, WH had gambling addiction issues that we were in counseling for. He was stealing money from "us" thousands at a time, etc. Anyways, we were in counseling and he had stopped, thankfully. But the fact remained that often times the subject would being ME to tears and he would scoff that I was being rediculous. To see him tell OW that I was doing THAT to him, well I nearly peed laughing.
She always responded to him that he doesn't deserve it, he needs a good woman, hes a perfect man (opps, I forget, she didn't know about the gambling, he never mentioned it) calling him pet names, etc.
I confronted my WH, he said she was "just a friend" and that she supports him and that I never do. Basically its MY fault he had to find another woman to talk to. I immediately required NC and he agreed. Well it didnt take long for him to break NC and his excuse was always "well Im not talking about us, so it shouldnt matter, shes a friend, stop being jealous!" or he would say that he was calling for best friend and she answered. He has even gone to their house and told me that I wont stop him from seeing his best friend. This is what makes things tricky. He always pointed out that best friend knew they talked and didn't have a problem, so I shouldnt either. I highly doubt best friend knew how the conversations really went or that his g/f (OW) was basically flirting with WH because it boosted HER self esteem too.
WH now has a cell phone, prior to this we shared one, and it makes me even more suspicious and worried that he is finding "friends" else where, like sex lines. We are slowly working on R but the only thing holding it back is that WH refuses to admit he did anything wrong. He has said he is sorry "If he hurt me" but maintains that its me how is over reacting. I cant see how recovery is possible if you cannot see the wrong in the situation. He will do it again and ignorantly act like he didn't know it would bother me. Been there, done that. Anyways, so thats my story, sorry its long. I refuse to sit back and allow this, but I'm also not willing to walk away just yet. We are looking for a new counselor because our old one doesn't see how this could bother me. It does, regardless, and it needs to stop.

Posts: 1 | Registered: May 2008
Frog
♀ Member
Member # 19331
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, May 5th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blech! Another board I belong too.

My story is all on my profile. Basically my WH had a ONS 5 years ago. About 1 1/2 years after that, he became overcome with guilt and shame and began trying to fulfill his vision of himself as a worthless scumbag. So he turned to Craigslist. He started perusing the personals, then he began emailing with people, then sending them pics of himself including dirty ones, asking for pics of the girls, IMing with them, and about 6 months after starting that he actually met two of the women and had ONS's with each of them.

He (for some odd reason) stopped have PA's at this point, but for the next 3 years he continued emailing and IMing people from CL. He also was calling them on the phone to get excited while driving to work. During the last year of his email situation, he contacted his x and began emailing her also. She is also married. Within days their emails turned sexual. We lived in a different state than her, so all their contact was email so I didn't see the long distance bill.

He and the x carried on for over a year emailing each other and IMing each other. He had a secret email acct that I knew nothing about, nor did I ever suspect anything. He was also contacting the CL skanks at the same time... and I call them that because they KNEW he was married (he was very honest with all of THEM, wasn't that nice?), and they were ALL willing to fool around with a married guy who made it clear that his W didn't know. Anyway.... after about 6 months of emailing the x, we moved to the same city she lives in. Then he began calling her, often! They met twice in secret to have lunch, fortunately they emailed each other about it too afterwards or I wouldn't believe that nothing happened. He even had her come to my house once, while I was home, and pretended he didn't know if it was her. We were selling something on CL, and he said "I think this guy that wants to buy this thing is my x's H". He KNEW the whole time that it was her H, and he invited the x, and her H, to our house to pick up this thing. The X's H is about 7 inches taller than my WH, and has a good 100 pounds on him too, could PUMMEL my WH to a million little pieces, and my idiot WH invited this man to our house. DUH!!!!

Anyway, I think the thing that hurts the worst about this is that I was literally sitting on the couch, 2 feet away from my WH, while he was having these nasty conversations with these OW. I just can't believe it! WH would yell at the kids for bothering him while he was on the PC, and I would defend him because he told me he was working on the PC, and he had a legitimate excuse to be doing so... yet he wasn't working, he was cheating. WH would sit with me, supposed to be watching a movie, and get on the laptop and tell his x that he was watching a movie with me, but it was ok, they could chat, so they would get an IM going and he would talk dirty to her while supposedly being with me! It makes my skin crawl, it really does. I think the whole internet thing actually hurts me more than the ONS's did.... those were short term, 3 days and they were done, but this... he has been doing this, and lying about it, and betraying me daily for over 4 years. I wanna scream!


Me, BS 33
Him, FWS 35 (MrFrog)
Married 10 years
DDay 12-11-07

Posts: 834 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NW US
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 12:46 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I posted this on the sex addict thread, but I'd like to know what you all think since my H cheated on me with women he met online.

I haven't posted here in almost a year since I mostly chat with a few people on here through PM. One year ago, I had my first dday and next month it'll be the a year since d-day 2.
After some counseling, he learned that he's a sex addict.

Anyway, my H hasn't cheated on me since the last dday but several times I cought him sending messages to women on Myspace and reponding to adult ads on Craigslist. I deleted his first Myspace profile and the last time he contacted a woman online was today and before that, on March 20th this year. I set conditions for him because I'm tired of putting up with his shenanigans.

When he slipped up last time, I wrote up a mock contract basically telling him I would leave ASAP the minute he cheated on me in any way, be it in person or on the internet.

He's addicted to porn and I can tolerate that as long as he admits that slip up within 24 hours because I don't expect him to not slip up once in a while.

Since he went a month without chatting with other women on here, I let him have a Myspace again and I even made it for him. Today I caught him telling a woman on Myspace that she's beautiful.

I saw her reply and she seemed clueless, she just said "Thank you, do I know you?" His profile is set to private so obviously she didn't know he's married.

Well, I said it was over and I was about to make the arrangements to pack my bags and the kids and leave. He stopped me and begged me to reconsider. Because of the fact that a complement was all that was said to this woman on Myspace and the fact that she didn't show much interest, I let it slide just this once.

My H regresses on his addictions the most when he's stressed and has nothing to do. Today he was off from work so that put some time on his hands.

He already allows me to monitor his online activities and he even encourages me to do that all the time to keep him in check. I even bought a keylogger to ensure that I won't be blindsighted.

I guess my question is, did I do the right thing by letting it slide?

Had he given that woman his cell phone number and/or asked to meet with her I would be packing my bags right now. I even told him that, and I also told him this would be the final warning.

He keeps telling me he needs my help to fight his addiction.

Just read my profile as well as my older posts on here if you want to know my story.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Frog
♀ Member
Member # 19331
Default  Posted: 4:51 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't see why he was even allowed to have a MySpace page at all. Why does he need one? Would you reward an alcoholic by giving him a beer? I have not allowed, nor has WH desired to, get on any websites that aren't necessary. Such as weather.com, parks and rec dept for our city to find activities for our family, and mapquest.

My WH knows that by his OWN actions, he has lost all privelidges to be on the computer for non essential things. Myspace, facebook, AFF, classmates.com, all those are NON essential sites to be on. If WH wants to communicate with his family and friends, he can email them or call them. He doesn't HAVE to have Myspace to talk to them.

In my opinion, the Myspace page and any non essential internet activity would be stopped immediately.


Me, BS 33
Him, FWS 35 (MrFrog)
Married 10 years
DDay 12-11-07

Posts: 834 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NW US
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

E-mail is enough to contact friends and family but Myspace and classmates.com is great way to track friends and family.

Anyway, I just had a talk with him and we decided he needs to go back to the Sex AA meetings. He can't fight his sex addiction alone.

As for Myspace, I'm not his mom. Myspace isn't to blame, he's the one that chooses to look up those women.

Sites like AFF and the like are forbidden.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
Tolana
♀ New Member
Member # 13778
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Reading this thread makes me feel ill. Last year my husband met a woman online at AFF and had sex with her the next day. A year later I found a page he made (made a year ago) at ALT.com. He had claimed he was looking for chatting only when he met OW but they had sex the next day??? And when I found the ALT.com site, he had on there: looking for active participation. If we weren't living overseas (he's military), I would have moved out after finding the ALT.com page. I was willing to work on things after the affair but if he was LOOKING for it...

A few months ago I also found other contacts on his instant messenger which he claimed "I don't know how they got there!" Whatever. There are charges on our bank account to ifriends and to some bondage site -- both of which he claims he didn't start! Now, I will say that doing a search online does produce many claims of fraud against the two places and possibly that is the case. Possibly.

His computer is in the bedroom and he wakes up very early for work. I have woken up very early and laid there watching and he will ever so slightly turn around as if stretching to see if I am awake. I don't know what he is doing. Looking back, when we were first married we lived apart (due to the military) and one day I was in his barracks room and there phone numbers from women he met online.

I don't know what to do. I have been reading about these keylogger programs but he works with computers so I don't know if he'd know. Plus, I would have to order it in the mail since I live overseas and he has the only mailbox key.

He keeps saying we will go to counseling but there is always some excuse. I love him and hate him at the same time.


BS (me): 35
WS (him): 37
Married 8 years
DDay: 26 Feb. 2007
Found all the accounts at sex sites online: March 2008

Sick of his sh*t.


Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2007 | From: far away from home
Frog
♀ Member
Member # 19331
Default  Posted: 8:10 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tolana, I PM'ed you.


Me, BS 33
Him, FWS 35 (MrFrog)
Married 10 years
DDay 12-11-07

Posts: 834 | Registered: Apr 2008 | From: NW US
momofthree2007
♀ Member
Member # 14766
Default  Posted: 9:29 PM, May 12th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been reading about these keylogger programs but he works with computers so I don't know if he'd know. Plus, I would have to order it in the mail since I live overseas and he has the only mailbox key.


Nope, you can download those programs and purchasing the software is optional. However, if he works with computer he might figure a way to uninstall it.


H - XWH (32) RSA
D-Day 1, OW1: 3/20/07
D-Day 2. OW2: 6/24/07
Divorced, 08/23/2012
Married 7 years, together 9
One day fling each; online As turned physical physical

Posts: 491 | Registered: May 2007 | From: Florida
oldtimer97
♀ Member
Member # 2365
Default  Posted: 4:41 PM, May 13th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Interesting, my FWH has said the same thing too that he needs my help fighting it. I've been his gatekeeper for too long now...this last relapse just about did me in.

Tolana PM coming your way on that keylogging software.

Anyone else is welcome to PM me too if you need help or info.


FWIW, because of brain damage, I write in storyteller form, so hardly any short posts from me & bad eyesight gives me a 50% edit rate..Apologies in advance!

Posts: 3168 | Registered: Oct 2003 | From: Sunny Arizona
summagal65
New Member
Member # 15707
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, May 16th (Friday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hate that I am back here again, no offense. I had thought my husband was laying low(because of medical issues, even viagra isn't helping him, so I think).
I was able to find out cyber stuff before because his computer broke and he used mine and I had a keylogger. I was surfing the site he used to use and found similar wording to ads he had placed before. I created a fake email and responded and sure enough it's him(he uses his not common middle name, idiot). He doesn't password protect his new computer(it's in the same open room as mine). But I don't go on it, wondering if anyone has remotely installed keyloggers.(I just want to use a trial, just need it long enought to get his email password).

Still in shock that again he is asking for stuff on these ads that I'd be happy to do for him if he gave me a clue.


Posts: 6 | Registered: Aug 2007
ketch37
♂ Member
Member # 14986
DOH!  Posted: 2:47 AM, June 1st (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello everyone,

Sorry since it has been such a long time since I have been in here and I would like to say hello to all the new people in this topic. I am so sorry you people are here and let me tell you that your not are not alone in this area, there are many, many others that have felt the pain you are going through right now and they are all great people that can help.

Just to give you all an update, my wife is still on the computer quite a bit, but now it is all my fault. I am causing the divorce too (even though she asked for it) I am sooo controlling that she does it to prove she can do whatever she wants

Really the reason that people do this is because they think the can treat their spouse anyway they want and they are powerless to do anything about it.

The person that said their spouse was going to break the computer because of what they did, I would have been like....Go ahead, you are curing your own disease..

Keep fighting all of you, don't take their gaslighting, stand up for your rights for a good relationship.

As it is you deserve it!!!!!!!!!!!


"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained." Mark Twain

Posts: 204 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Alaska
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, June 2nd (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the update ketch!

What an uncomfortable situation though, her still in the home but acting single...ewww.


Good luck to you and your daughter!


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
pandorasbox
♀ New Member
Member # 19648
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! A lot of these stories sounds like my hell... My H told me he wanted a D 11/07 & it hit like a bomb shell. We agreed to stay together until after the holidays for the kids... After much digging (he said there was no OW - he was just unhappy & not in love anymore) I found out there was indeed an MOW - much younger also. Called him out on it - said he met her in a shopping center. Kicked him out. Called the MOW but she was out holiday shopping w/ her H. How nice. Spilled my guts to her mother-in-law who called her son. More digging found his email password that lead to a local newspaper forum site, that lead me to his ID there & then hi-jacked that password. (BTW... Very proud of myself since I am so NOT computer literate!) that's where I discovered that not only is this where they "met" but this is something he had been a member of for FOUR years - and I had NO idea! FOUR years! I read all the postings, shoutbox and archives... It was like I was looking into a stranger's life. At not point in those four years did he mention a wife or children. Not to mention the cocky, crude and flirty personality he constantly portrayed... He apparently had set up meetings with OW prior to this one but backed out. This contact was made with the OW in or about 9/07, becoming very personal in 10/07 which lead to a (so he says) ONS PA on 11/30/07. He says they only met a total of 4 times, and only 1 did they have sex. Since I have found out - we have been working on R and he is back after only being gone for 48 hours. I have been in IC since day 1 & he attended maybe 8 IC himself. We have just started MC last week. He swears he has cut all ties w/ the OW and wants nothing to do w/ her or anyone else other than me. He swears he feels horrible and cannot believe he allowed himself to do something like this to himself and to me. He says he has no other email accounts or message boards that I do not know about. I just feel sick. I want to believe him - but after 4 years of being "another person" - is it really possible to even stop like this? I am hoping that more comes out in MC but I guess we will see.


BS (Me) - 38
WS (Him) - 43
2 DD ages 10 & 5
Married 2 1/2 yrs., Together 10
11/19/07 - "I just don't love you anymore. I want a divorce."
12/21/07 - DDay confirming OW
Working on R

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2008
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome to our little corner of the site ((((Pandora))))

It seems your WS is living a double life, unfortunately they are both in your home, one IRL and one online.

I find it really disrespectful that he spent 4 yrs on that message board without letting you know and without acknowledging his marital status.

I think that is the basic betrayal piece there. The EA and ONS (if that's true) are laced together in the one basic step he made in deception.

My FWH had about the same amount of time under his belt. His was chat rooms and instant message interactions. He even said that if a woman asked he would tell her he was married, but she had to ask, otherwise it was all fair game.

Blechhhhhh!

It took a long time and a lot of battles fought to finally get down to the basic betrayal...that he went online at all without being married in his heart, without holding me and our marriage in a respectful place. He went online with the notion of having some harmless fun...but he was so wrong about that!

It really is difficult to imagine that someone could build an entire online persona and live it for four years, let alone let it go immediately. It is possible that he had slowly been realizing what he was doing and finally when it reached the PA part he got scared and confused. I say this because he says he had set up other possible PAs and backed out. He knew it was wrong all along.

My FWH did quite a switch around at the very end also. He said that when it finally all came rolling out on the floor and into reality he realized what a fool he had been for that time.

He wanted none of that again!

It is possible, but yes I agree that MC will help him and you come to terms with this.

I do think that he needs to figure out why he gave himself permission to do this in the first place though. AND how he plans to keep from going there again if he feels a need to escape.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
pandorasbox
♀ New Member
Member # 19648
Default  Posted: 2:02 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for your story & your kind words & advice. It's nice to know that I am not alone with this situation.


BS (Me) - 38
WS (Him) - 43
2 DD ages 10 & 5
Married 2 1/2 yrs., Together 10
11/19/07 - "I just don't love you anymore. I want a divorce."
12/21/07 - DDay confirming OW
Working on R

Posts: 8 | Registered: May 2008
unarmbears
♀ Member
Member # 7480
Default  Posted: 8:11 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are most welcome! If you aren't comfortable posting in the forums there are many of us here that are fine with talking with you in the private message feature here.

I say that only because I noticed that you have only 5 posts since May, so wanted to offer that option.


FBS-Me, 60
FWH-Him, 55
2 Sons 25 and 30
2 Daughters 28, 24 And 3 darling grandchildren!
"Love is an impulsive act, it's free. It's the story we tell about it afterward that's our poverty." Byron Katie

Posts: 4886 | Registered: Jun 2005 | From: From where the trees lean east...
LearnToLetGo
♀ Member
Member # 19900
Default  Posted: 9:15 PM, June 24th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Poking my head in to say hi, finally.

My story's in my profile, but the tl;dr version is that WH was actually the OM in a few-year cyberaffair with a MOW on the other side of the continent before we started dating. He carried on the cybersexing without telling me (I knew she was an online 'friend' but not what they were up to) until we'd been together two years and I asked him - purely on a hunch.

He's been remorseful and transparent since, but every once in a while he discovers some new way to test the boundaries I established around his online activity. I really do think it's more cluelessness than malice, mind you, which is why he's still got his balls attached.

We're in R and doing ok, but I still keep a close eye on his chat logs. It's kind of amazing how many women out there in cyberland have husbands who 'just don't understand [them].' At least he's learned that that's a Red Flag phrase instead of a usual part of casual conversation.

How is everyone tonight?


Me - 30s
FWH/OM to WOW - 40s
Wannabe Other Woman - my mother's age.
DDay - 2002

Reconciled.


Posts: 125 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Canada
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