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I Can Relate Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Cyber/Online Cheating
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 4:03 AM, January 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Welcome, Unlucky!
I'm glad that you found us.
I know the pain...my WH is a PIG as well.
Hang in there & keep on posting.
It gets better with time.
Are you in IC?

((((huge hugs)))


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
Kush
♀ Member
Member # 9169
Default  Posted: 8:22 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so glad this forum is on! I have lived with cyber sex and chat lines. My H and I are separated. He told me for months there was "nothing wrong" because he never met the women. With no experience in this kind of thing, I believed him for a while, until I caught him meeting people.
Welcome to the denial club- on both sides- the cyber maniac and the dumb spouse.
It is inappropraite behavior in a marriage- keep yourself healthy enough to remember that.
Kush


Real honor is standing up for what you say you are, even when no one is looking.

Posts: 425 | Registered: Dec 2005 | From: Buffalo
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 8:41 PM, January 28th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Kush, you're right.

My WH used to say (in the beginning) that he was just wondering *where* they LIVED (WHY??!)...that he was 'just curious' & 'just making conversation'.
Oh, yeah, right!

Once, when we were seperated 1800 miles during our M for an entire year, I caught him actually trying to find a JOB close by Dayton, OH which would entail him staying at a Holiday Inn ALL WEEK.
Of course, he also had found out that the cute young blonde "secretary" online also *lived* there in Dayton.

Know what was so funny-tragic about all of this?!

"She" was really ME posting a FAKE profile with a FAKE photo!

Dumb ass! UGGGG


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
hopefulhurting
♀ New Member
Member # 17934
Frustrated  Posted: 6:41 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just found out Fri that WS had an email affair. I'm angry, hurt, and disgusted.

I've been through the gammot of emotions the last several days. We are committed to reconciling. Both of us! I installed Safe Eyes on the computer, at his request.

Here's my question of the day. I have some questions for him that I do not want to ask him for fear of the answer. The answers to the ones I already asked were appalling and I don't know if I can handle any more. I want to ask if he saw a picture of her and if he was attracted to her physically (I, of course, want him to say no, so if he says yes I'll be devastated). he also mentioned that SHE had done cybersex in another relationship...so there's the other question...but I don't want to ask it, either.
Help!

My emotions keep going everywhere...back and forth, back and forth. One minute I'm hopeful, especially since he is repentant, and the next I'm so angry and hurt.


FBW (me), 35; FWH, 37; D-Day 1/25/08 OEA; married almost 12 yrs at that time, 3 kids

Posts: 20 | Registered: Jan 2008
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 10:37 PM, January 29th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello hopeful, sorry you have to join our group, but Im glad you found us. All the advice I can offer, is to ask only what you are ready to hear. You want him to tell you the truth, but it can be brutal. I am 5 mos from dday and I still many things I want to ask but dont. My WH has on online/phone EA.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
dreamlife
♀ Member
Member # 8142
Default  Posted: 12:32 AM, January 31st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, Hopeful, only when you are ready.

Its been almost 2 years and I'm not ready to listen/read all his filthy "loving" "hottt" chat logs...but, one day I'll know its time-- & I will.

However, my gut already *knows*...


~XWH told me what I wanted to hear but he always did whatever he wanted to do~

Posts: 25351 | Registered: Sep 2005
2yrsinthedark
♀ Member
Member # 16278
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, February 2nd (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did u or do u guys ever wonder how many times your WS came to bed, wanted to have sex after being turned by someone else online or on the phone. I have been wondering that a lot lately. Especially the one he "thought" he loved. Was he wishing it was her while "making love" to you. Now, while we are having sex, i open my eyes and wonder, kinda ruins the momemt. Wish all these thoughts would just go away.


"Trust but verify"

Me-44 BS
Him-44 WS
Married 18 yrs
Dday 8/25/07
two yr EA (maybe longer, maybe w/ more than one)
4 Kids 15,13,8,8


Posts: 378 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: TX
irondave
♂ Member
Member # 17899
Default  Posted: 4:55 AM, February 3rd (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

so much in this thread just reflects all the feelings I'm going through right now. My WW embarked on a OEW with cybersex with someone(a swede we're in the UK) within World of Warcraft and then it migrated to Messenger and onto the Skype(voice and SMS - really pissed me off I set the Skype stuff up for her!). She still denies its real, that she doesn't know whether he's 19 or 90 only that he makes her laugh and happy. I know this to be a lie, he's 39, and she showed me pictures on Xmas day whilst travelling to a family dinner, and it is apparent sat texting him during dinner.

These are all still things she denies, she is a great role player and has done theatre work in the past. It's almost as if the boudnaries between real life and characters are blurred for her and emotion no longer comes into anymore, that they're not something real. She's angry with me for downloading the transcript of the Skype messages, says she feels violated but within the same breath says it's no big deal and not what i think! I sent her a transcript by email straight after we fell out last week, where she admits to him when she got the pictures of him(one face, one bulging crotch ). Unfortunately she didn't pick that up until the second anniversary of her mums death, so once again I'm the evil vindictive one, not her and her lies. I regret that she received it then , but why should I be the only one hurting right now whilst she still contacts him through SMS!

I'm convinced that our marriage is over, after the lies can I ever feel anything for this woman, but bizarrely I still love her and feel that just maybe she's sick and needs help, that it would be wrong to desert her at this time. Then I return to bitterness and think no, she may see my failings to deliver some of what she wanted from our marriage as good reason, but they do not excuse what she has done, it was her choice to embark on the OEA and those things she wanted are further away than ever.She just pissed with me because I caught her, so its every reason why her actions are right and that's all she see's.Despite the lies she's also told me that he's talked of moving over to the UK to be with her,and then told me she knwo nothing about him(age/image). She is truly lost in a sea of lies, and I see nothing but separation on the horizon(we've not been married a year so D is not possible until Aug at the earliest)

I've said elsewhere it would be easier to cope with if I'd found her in bed with OM.That you can do this to a partner whilst they're in the same room, secretly telling someone how much you miss being with them when the real partner is getting on with real life behind you. It's sickening, and in the last month I've been through a lot, like everybody who finds their way here unfortunately, we are all suffering. Firstly denial that it had happend at all. Hurt as I read the details and hours they spent on line together, Self loathing as I looked for that which I must have done wrong to cause this. Acceptance that this was real and she has no remorse("Can't be an affair we haven't had sex!" she told me amongst the lies). and finally realisation that our marriage is over, and I'm mourning the loss of that now. She isn't back from work until the end of February and I'm honouring the commitments to look after her house until then but once she's back I'm giving her the keys and wishing her well. She's accussed me of holding her back, that she's had her life on hold whilst I sorted a new job then we could move. Well she started her A at the same time I got the new job, and I'm glad we didn't buy another house(our home!)with this lying POS. She can now move in with mr wonderful OM and once the reality of dirty washing and shopping hits home again she'll be off again I'm sure.

Sorry I've turned this into a rant again, I drift between being positive and tolerant to pure hate. Again I'm these are common feelings amongst the betrayed, none of us deserve to be here feeling like we do.We just have to be strong, and weather the emotional storms, we will all get through them with the support of others here, and those true close and friends.


When you find strength in adversity you will get through this.

"To love is to suffer" - Terry Pratchett(in Mort)


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: United Kingdon
Back to Black
♀ Member
Member # 17258
Concerned  Posted: 9:55 AM, February 4th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi.. I don't know why I've delayed posting here. Actually cyber and online are words I cringe to when I hear them since personal computers were invented actually!

My H has a long history of porn sites, aol chat and married dating sites. And for many years I never delved into how deep he was into it. I still don't understand myself about how I minmized what was happening, but I guess I didn't want to truly deal. I had 2 little girls when this started and I didn't want to face what I've been facing now that 'some' is out in the open. The 'some' is enough for anyone with self respect to leave for....I'm planning to D now, thank God.

One thing I wanted to share with you is after years of suspicion and ignoring and H gaslighting all the way, I had an A. And when the words guilt or remorse are mentioned from H about me having an A, I feel none. It was the way I chose to feel wanted. So sad to say that, but it's true.

My H chose a computer over me (and our girls) for so many years. But since he is a passive/aggresive it was all done eerily innocently. I can't explain what I mean by that. Only someone who lives with a cyber scumbag can know the frightening slow insanity you live in.

Even after learning of my A, even after being caught multiple times, he still continued online...AFF, aol, IMs, match.com, more porn than you can imagine, TEN private emails/IM accounts. And everybody who knows us thinks he's so meek and so in love with me.

I believe now that being married to and trying to R with a cyber addict is useless. I pity him only now. I cannot wait to be free of this.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to share. It's hard for my friends and family to understand what this has been like.

hugs


Me - BS/WS (40)
Him - WS/BS (42)
2 Beautiful Daughters

D'ing!
Married - since 20 yrs old

"Surviving is important....Thriving is elegant"


Posts: 150 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: New Jersey
tomguy
♂ New Member
Member # 10152
Default  Posted: 9:32 AM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't think I would need to post here again but I was very wrong. After 2 years of cyber cheating, phone sex, chat rooms and e-mails it's getting worse. I tried to leave 3 times before but I thought we reconciled. The last serious talk we had about continuing was about 5 weeks ago. And he did it again.
Last August he tried to arrange a meeting with some one he met online after we had an aruguement. This is a trigger for him. We argue he goes online. Also, by mistake he sent a text message to me but it was ment for another person. The message said "do you want to have sex?" He told me he didn't even know how to text message. When I showed it to him he even denied sending it and wouldn't talk about it.
The latest event happened last night. I tried not to snoop but I felt in my gut something was wrong. I found another set of e-mails to someone he has been commuicating with since the last arguement, telling him that he wants to have an affair, where he lives, the time of day he leaves and comes home from work and that he can't host anything cause we are always together. He said he'd like to meet him for drinks to talk things over. Well the e-mail was more detailed and he even brought up the fact that we have been together for 3 years. I was devistated again and hurt and all those things all over again. He was just pissed cause I saw the e-mails and said it was fantasy. I left, this can't go on. He's done nothing to improve the relationship yet I put all my energy into it. I told him to please be honest for once in his life and stop lying and take a good look at himself. I can't stay with a cheater. I must be an idiot.

Posts: 39 | Registered: Mar 2006 | From: Falls Church Va.
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 7:45 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tomguy,

You're not an idiot -- just an optimist like me! It's hard when you're wired to want to believe the best in someone no matter what evidence we're handed to the contrary.
Sounds like the writing is on the wall (or in the text message!!) and now it's up to you to determine whether you want to continue to live like this or create a life for yourself in which you're not always wondering if/when/how/where. It's certainly not too much to expect a partner who treats us with dignity and respect -- and doesn't retreat into meaningless sex the minute the going gets a bit tough with us.
Hang in there...and take care of yourself.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
HeartOfGlass
♀ Member
Member # 17626
Default  Posted: 7:52 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still so amazed that my WSO whom I adored & thought the world of- basically abandoned me in the worst possible condition & way in my life- for a 6 month cyber fling with a married video-game playing whore. Mind you, I play games to. I just don't homewreck in them. She's a serial HW X3. The other two previous men had children. We didn't. I guess that's why it's "special" enough for her to divorce her husband to be with my WSO.

Life truly sucks.


BSO (me) 32 WSO (him) 27
4 Ddays False R #3 (final) Jan 1/07
Engaged/togthr 7 yrs. MOW D'ing BH for my WSO. I'm movin' on & glad of it!

Posts: 407 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: Midwest
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 8:27 PM, February 6th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HeartofGlass,
I've read your posts and I can't believe your situation -- what an a-hole.
Right down to your cat!! That would make me crazy. However, I suspect you know you're better off in the long run...it's just the short-term that hurts like hell. Hang in there.


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
Tiredofblame
♀ Member
Member # 18049
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm rading this and I feel like such an ass. I'm here because I caught my H in a RL PA. I caught it b/c I instaleld something on the computer to catch his IMs with OW. I knew about her. She was a friend of his from grad school that he talked to and about all the time. After ignoring the little voice for too long, I found the IMs and e-mails that said he loved her and that they had sex. In IC (before I found out), I mentioned the online porn and the chat rooms, and the naked pictures of a friend from Atlanta (whom I've met and her husband). My counselor asked if I thought he was taking it an inch at a time until we had an open marraige. Him thinking: she's ok with the porn, ok with the chats, ok the pictures, she'll be ok with the A. I even knew about cybersex he had with someone. Did I react the way I did when I found out about the PA? No. I said I didn't like it and to stop. He said ok. That was it!! What the hell is wrong with me? Why didn't I see all the online stuff as cheating as clearly as I can see it now? He'll tell you its because I didn't want him and therefore I didn't care if he satisfied himself on line. He's partially right. We always fought about sex and my lack of interest in it. So I felt like I didn't have the right to complain about him satisfying himself if I wasn't going to do it. Wow- it's amazing to see behind me, the road to this point. He's told me many time that he would rather be with me, than online, but that I wouldn't rather be with me. After hearing that for so many years, I don't know what's true anymore. We have some serious issues to address in MC. And I certainly have an opinion about online relationships now!!@

Posts: 190 | Registered: Feb 2008
Eternaloptimist
♀ Member
Member # 15029
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, February 9th (Saturday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tired,
Funny how clear things look once you have ALL in the info, huh??
I don't think there's anyone here who doesn't have things to examine either in IC, MC or both. Good luck -- with two little kids, lack of interest in sex is certainly not uncommon. For me, I wasn't uninterested in sex with my husband but it just always felt "uncomfortable" -- could never put my finger on it. Now that I know about his online porn addiction, sex addiction, I can see that I felt objectified by him - it never felt intimate to me, as much as simply a means to an end for him. I didn't dislike it, but now that I'm being really honest, I'm aware that I wasn't happy with it and certainly didn't miss it when we weren't having sex.
Now we're working hard to building healthy intimacy and genuine love-making. BIG difference...


Me: BS
Him: WS, SA
Married: 12 years
Three kids: 9-year-old D, 7-year-old S, 5-year-old D
D-Day #1: December 11, 2006 (LTA)
D-Day #2: June 17, 2007 (found out about SA)

Posts: 656 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Toronto
irondave
♂ Member
Member # 17899
Default  Posted: 2:12 AM, February 10th (Sunday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is true, the wonders of hindsight make all the pieces come together to show the ugly picture. For me, the migration on to Skype changed the dynamic between the WW and OM, and changed her playing habits.
Pre Skype, she'd keep playing when I got back from work, post Skype she would switch it off the moment I walked in the door. At the time I just thought, "oh she's realised how out of hand the gaming got", where the evidence shows she just couldn't flirt and talk dirty on the open microphone with me there like they could exchange IM whilst playing.

Thinking about how brazenly she did this with me in the house(even on Xmas day through messaging) sickens me now. It was out of hand she'd always spent a lot of time with online communities since we met and I never felt this compromised our relationship, but WoW changed that as she became addicted. I wish I'd being more forthright about this when I felt it was too much, but she enjoyed the game and I didn't want to stop her doing things she liked, but ultimately it is going to cost me the one I love the most. and that really hurts, I damned either way.If i'd stopped her she would have resented me for being controlling, and by letting her play, she found an online partner. Life sucks!


When you find strength in adversity you will get through this.

"To love is to suffer" - Terry Pratchett(in Mort)


Posts: 108 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: United Kingdon
lostanddelirious
♀ Member
Member # 17960
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, February 11th (Monday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know the irony? As much as the computer helps us while we can talk to each other on this very helpful website, I would be willing to guess that the reason most of us are here is because of these damn computers!!!


BS - 35 (me)
WS - 36
Dday 10/22/07
Married - 10 years, together 20 years.
4 beautiful children age:
14, 9, 7 & 6

Posts: 139 | Registered: Jan 2008 | From: NH
Lonely_and_hurt
♀ Member
Member # 18216
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, February 19th (Tuesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly i guess i belong here too.

My partner has just recently come out of a RL affair ... although that started via chat rooms, progessed to MSN, then texts, then phone calls then pysical for 6 months.

D-Day was August 2007 and he moved out a few weeks later claiming we needed "space" ... a.k.a "i wanna see where the relationship with OW goes"

She dumped him in October, he came back, she wanted him again, so he moved out again although daily told me he still loved me and we were in counselling.

January 2008 admits yet again that he had been in contact with OW (texts, chatrooms but no meeting) but that she finally told him she didnt want him, didnt love him and she had been seeing someone else off chatrooms for months!!

He is now having withdrawal from OW and we are still living seperately but trying to R.

He gave me his passwords to MSN and this week curiosity got the better of me and i looked .... 2 new women added to his MSN.

Both from chatrooms. Initially he is angry because ive dared to spy on him and goes mad for me thinking he is upto something. Doesnt understand why i have a problem with him only talking to females (errrr cause your last chatroom friend you had pysical affair with ????)

He is swearing they are only "friends" and that he isnt looking for someone else or intending on meeting them but he finds it easier to talk to women about his problems ..... (oh so you send them your photo for what reason ??)


Anyway - admits today that he is wrong and that he shouldnt do it, had deleted them off his MSN, swears he wont go in the chatrooms again (1 chatroom on computer and 1 on mobile phone).

Do i believe him ? NO !!!


D-Day 1 August 07. D-Day 2 January 08 (same woman).
D-Day 3 March 08 NC never happened.
23 July 08 D-Day 4 NC broken by text. Another false R

Posts: 215 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: UK
j0shua
♂ New Member
Member # 18259
Default  Posted: 5:38 PM, February 21st (Thursday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

yeah, this is real to me.

caught stbxw posting odd photos and deleting history and temp files, basically being all sneaky and acting distant.

put a keylogger on computer and found dozens of lovey/flirtatious messages in one day. checked phone records and found tons of calls. she has denied it, says its not real, says its not a big deal, and has been harsh and cruel to me to "be a man", "get it together", and "quit wallowing in self pity."

she has shown no remorse and no indication of R, other than a brief 24 hour period, which she quickly went back on.

have given her several chances to sign papers, no go. i am going to cancel her cell phone and have her served on tuesday.

[This message edited by j0shua at 5:39 PM, February 21st (Thursday)]


Me - BS (32)
Married 4 years
together 5 years
D Day #1 - 1.8.08
Daughter - 2yrs
Divorcing and in pain

Posts: 9 | Registered: Feb 2008
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 12:08 AM, February 27th (Wednesday), 2008View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Before coming here I thought my husband was the only person out there that was addicted to porn. Okay, not really but it feels like it. Everyone I know that has been cheated on it was with a real person, in real life. My biggest concern was that it would lead to the real thing and it has. I always thought he was only looking at pictures. Wow, was I wrong! I just found out in December that he was chatting with women online and even went to escorts. Not that he will admit that but I certainly don't believe him. He kept a list of escorts in his wallet for eight months. Who does that and doesn't use them? Plus he was working on the side and getting paid cash. I never seen the money and he told me it was none of my business how much money he had from that job. He keeps lying to me and telling me he has stopped but I know that he hasn't. Everytime he gets caught he says it's going to end and it doesn't. I'm just at the point where I am fed up!


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


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